ILLICIT: CONFESSIONS OF A SUICIDER, MURDERER AND CANNIBAL
JOHN MARVIN P. ENORE
Copyright 2012 by John Marvin P. Enore
Smashwords Edition
ISBN: 978-1-4660-9658-5A


There were six choices I gave myself when I decided to die. 
First was morphine. But I did not know where to get some.
Second was drug overdose. But I did not know which drugs to take.
Third was hanging but I could not find any strong rope.
Fourth was the traditional wrist-slicing. But I did not have the guts to do that
Fifth was bashing my head against the wall. But that may just make me unconscious and give me terrible headache when I wake up.
Last was throwing myself out of the window. 
Interesting and attractive. This is the only realistic option I have. Maybe I thought about fantastical ones because I did not really want to die after all. Jumping out of the balcony was the only way viable and true option that I have to die. I wanted to die today no matter what. I needed to die. Or else, the police will just catch me and torture me. They will get me soon because I was so stupid. I was so careless. I did not know what to do. Well, it was not as if I am used to committing a crime. I left tracks everywhere and in no time, they will find me, they will know that it is me who is the killer. Besides I know that they will not send me to prison. They will just kill me right then and there because I was a monster. A sad but devastatingly beautiful monster. I am now just beginning to comprehend what I have done.
I sat on the edge of the balcony. One small step and I will plunge forty-four feet down the building and hit the pavement in a sickening crunch. I will die, I guess. I researched the minimum number of floors that a person must jump from so he could die fast. And this is all so perfect. Why won’t I? I will be sensation anyway. My unit will be a testament to my own insanity.
But what I did was get the key to my unit. In one gulp, I swallowed it. I coughed and choked for it got stuck in my throat. I thought I would die of choking but thankfully three glasses of water finally made it come down to my stomach. 
I am ready.
I walked around the apartment. I peeked at the kitchen and looked inside the refrigerator. But I had to close it almost immediately to keep more blood from flowing into the floor. The whole unit was so bloody anyway. A whole veritable mess.  It was an investigator’s paradise. One could take specimen and samples all week long. There were blood and gore everywhere. In the sala, a dark coagulating muck was crumbling on the center of the floor. It made me vomit which mixed with the sludge.
I am ready. I ran across the room and in one giant leap I jumped off the balcony. I felt free, I felt safe. The wind was ringing in my ears as I descend and suddenly, my heart beat like crazy. I suddenly felt afraid, a whole, consuming fear that I made a huge mistake. I flailed my arms as if I wanted to fly away and save myself but too late. In a matter of seconds, I will hit the street below. It actually took much shorter than that. 
***
You might probably be wondering why I am still alive and why I am still telling you this story. Was I a survivor? Yes, I could call myself that. But I am now irrevocably incomplete, paralyzed and rendered useless metaphorically. But the real question was why, why am I still alive.
The street hit my head in a loud bang that crushed my skull. My brains exploded everywhere. My face was no longer a face but a chunk of bloody meat. God, it was truly a pain that no man could ever live through. I was still alive when I landed. All over my body, I felt intense agony as all my bones and internal organs were damaged heavily. I spat out some of my teeth and I just cried, cried so bad. People began to flock all around me. I could not see them or implore them because my eyeballs are also crushed and turned to mush. I was making strange sounds and murmurs. “Don’t move him. Stand back,” I heard people say. I just sobbed out my thick tears of blood, gurgled and moaned like a cat in heat. Pain everlasting and I thought it will never end.
But suddenly, it finally did.
I felt strong hands pulling me up, making me stand on my own two feet. And to my surprise, I was able to stand and hold myself up. The pain was entirely gone and now replaced by an extreme lull of luminous lightheadedness, a king of feeling you get after a real good high or a drug overdose of fancy party drugs. In front of me stood a beautiful person. I could not discern if he or she was a woman or not because his face has an indeterminable androgyny somewhat similar to the angel Gabriel in the movie Constantine. Tilde Swinton… what I would do just to fuck her again. But now I am dead and these fantasies are nothing.
Going back, the person in front of me was entirely naked and there were two great gray wings sporuting out of her back. The feathers were huge and majestic and they were all glowing gold and silver. There were even immeasurable symbols written on it. Then the angel spoke.
“My name is Kyriel. I am the guardian angel sent to you to help you.” He/she took me into his/her arms and hugged me. He/she kissed me on the lips. I opened up my lips to catch more of her luscious mouth but it was only a brief smack.
“Why did you do it my love? Such a terrible crime?”
I wanted to answer immediately. “I am sorry. I did not know what came into me. I did not know what to do. What else should I do but die and suffer for my sins,” I replied.
He/she shook his head. “Death is never an answer. Never. It is merely an option that must be forgotten or only given in the most impossible circumstances. God never meant his creatures to die anyway. It will never give you the solace you seek.”
“But what kind of God will allow a creature like me to still live?”
“God. The God and Heir of this world. The great Mehomathi also called Pharoshath also called Jesus Christ. He created us to give life and to live. His power is dedicated to taking care of us and giving life.”
“Why am I here?”
“Your body is dead but your soul is immortal. It still breathes eternal although it has been detached from your sad lonely corpse. I have some important things to tell you but first, I wanted to ask you why did you do such a horrid crime?”
I remembered my girlfriend’s face, her sweet, bitter, desperate smile when I drove the stirring rod in her vagina to start an abortion. “She wanted to die. She asked me to kill her.”
“But you know that she did not want that. It was her sorrow speaking.”
That was right. She begged me to bring her to the hospital. She cried and asked me for some mercy but I was scared to move. She died sobbing and losing blood by the torrents.
“I wanted to save her. But I know I cannot do anything to save her. It was to die or be killed. I chose the second option.”
“But what was interesting is what you did next. You simply did not kill her and your baby. You waited until she lost consciousness, watching porn movies while she bled all her guts out. When she was dead, you opened her up with a knife, gutting her like a fish then took the still alive foetus, twisting in your hand. Then you opened your mouth and started eating it.”
I cannot look at his/her face. I felt shame that someone so beautiful could be speaking about my crime.
“”I am so intrigued and curious about your actions. Tell me, did you enjoy it? Did you like the taste of human flesh? I am sorry but it just makes me excited. I have forgotten what human flesh tasted. Was it delicious enough to make you go mad?”
“In fact, it really did. It tasted something between a really hot and thick and fresh balut and crab and corn soup. I went to the kitchen and added some salt in my mouth. It was a feast. The foetus was so small, barely three months old so it was juicy and chewy in my mouth. I then drank a whole bottle of wine without any remorse. Still hungry, I fucked and raped her dead corpse all over again. I came into her, her ears, her eyes her mouth, her nose. Then I even lapped the mixture of blood and semen from her vagina, her bull-dozered nethermouth. Then I started chewing her labia. When it did not come off, I just took a knife and started slicing chunks of it. Then I gutted her again and took out her liver and heart. I put them in a casserole, added herbs and spices and started cooking them. I even sliced of her breasts and fingers, biting the nipples off with my teeth. I then got a cleaver and in ten hard whacks, I severed her head. I put it inside the refrigerator, intended for later consumption. I will turn her into sisig. I suddenly had the urge to trample her body, jumping up and down like a maniac while I sang Tori Amos songs until I grew so tired I just lay there beside her corpse. I look at her neck and was glad that there was no head to look at me back. The soup was already cooked so I took out her head from the ref and set it on the table. I started feeding g it. To my surprise, it opened its mouth and started eating, making slurpy sounds as the soup went in her mouth and excited from her gaping neck. It was so happy and it started chatting about her dreams, our plans together and even offered me a blowjob. She said she was now two holes in one. When she did not want to eat anymore, I finished the soup. I drank it all in, and chewed on the flesh. She said she loved me and she was grateful for what I have done and now she is free and angels were fucking her in the astral plane, in one big perpetual orgy. Then I scooped out her eyeballs when I grew tired of her talk and ate them. I finished another bottle of wine. 
“Why am I here?”
“This is the limbo, the boundary between heaven and earth and hell. A sort of purgatory, one of the many among these various multiverses created by the Almighty God also called Zeus also called Jehovah also called Bathala.”
“Why did I not go to hell?”
“Because God did not want to.” He raised his hands and after a burst of intense light, we were now floating in the middle of the galaxy. Milky stars were shining all over me. I felt peace.
“I will tell you a great and terrible secret. It is both a curse, a promise and a pact. Tell me if you keep it you will another chance to live your life but you can decide not to hear it and get thrown straight to Sheol, or the kingdom of the dead.”
“I want to know.”
“But promise first that you would not tell it to anyone. Or Sheol it is. Now tell me where do you want to be before I tell you.”
“I want to be in the deepest part of the ocean.”
“Boring. It is just darkness that cannot be penetrated. The water already forgot that it was water and it does not flow anymore. It is a black hole of time suspended in the bowels of the sea. The darkness will just consume you and make you mad. You will want to leave as soon as you can.”
“Alright then. I pick the top of the Eiffel Tower.”
As soon as I said it, we were transported there after another explosion of luminosity. In was now standing on the top of the steel tower while Kyriel floated. “This is the secret. Keep it into your heart. Listen to it and absorb its meaning.”
I sat on the floor and as he/she spoke, black smoke came out of his/her mouth and formed into figures that illustrate what she is saying like a master puppeteer-ventriloquist’s play.
“Decades ago, the god of this world Mehomathi and the god of the underworld Maastrikhoi also called Loki also called Hades also called Izanagi also called Satan decided to have a treaty. The Earth’s population was too much that Maastrikhoi suggested that many should die. Mehomathi allowed the world wars to happen to eliminate some of Earth’s burden because it was now crying out for it was full of the weight of creation. All dead souls went straight to the abysm buoying Maastrikhoi out to rule the world. He likes to swim in this primordial soup, taking the form of the Great Rainbow Serpent also called Leviathan also called Bakunawa also called Hydra Immortalis. As exchange, Mehomathi asked for the souls of the suicides. He wanted them to have a second chance and enjoy life once more. All suicides was brought to life and were placed in different planets and twins of Earth. If they die naturally, they go to Heaven but if they kill themselves once more, they will go straight to Sheol. But Maastrikhoi added another clause. He said that for every suicide another must die in exchange.”
“Let all the substitutes be unborn children so they will not suffer. This will be my gift to them,” said Mehomathi. These substitutes went straight to Sheol however. Now I ask you why is it important to keep this secret?”
“Because people are selfish and essentially evil that if they knew they have a second chance, they will all want to kill themselves after every problem because there is no fear for the grandeur of death. A suicide takes two souls and if that happens all the time, there will be no one left. Earth will be a wasteland.”
“I have far more terrible secrets to tell you. They are not important now. I will tell them to you after you die again. Now, you’re the smartest suicider I have met so far. Those I have met were just to happy to live again that they tend to ignore the gravity of this secret. In fact, it is a curse. The guilt of having someone to die in your place will tear you apart. Many survived but many decided to kill themselves again. Straight to Sheol they go and dwelt among the many putrid souls in it.”
“So what happens to me now?”
“Like I said you will live again. You will be returned exactly one day before you died. There you will be sent into another alternate universe where everything is the same except gravity is 25% lighter and there is no color green. Only blue-green is the closest equivalent. This is the world of Jozhemaripath also called Hephaestus also called Vulcan also called Aswang.”
“I understand and accept.”
“Now I need you to swallow this. This will make you wake up shiny and brand new and full of optimism. But before that, I must ask you something.” The pill was blue with a letter E on it. It looked like fancy party drugs I used to have before. “Do you think I am beautiful? Would you like to make love with me?”
“I do more than anything.”
“As a man or a woman. Or an animal? I have eaten enough to take any form. Take your pick.”
“This was tricky. But I guess I want to make love to you if you turn into a hermaphrodite. And have Tilda Swinton’s face and body while you have the cock of Brad Pitt and the breasts of Monica Belluci.” He/she kissed me and instantly changed his/her appearance. We made love a lot of times. I even let him/her fuck me till I am all spent. I swallowed the pill and went groggy. Kyriel kissed me once more and bade herself goodbye to me then flew swiftly away. I then went to a deep sleep.
Everything became darkness.
I woke up the next day feeling refreshed. I remembered that my girlfriend will come and visit me today. So I took a shower, made breakfast and watched some hentai while I waited for her. Soon she knocked and let herself in. she was so happy and she brought me a lot of things she bought from Japan where she spent ten days.
“I have to tell you something,” she said. “I am pregnant.”
“What are you sure? How do you know it’s mine?”
“I don’t. But remember the orgy we had? There were two many guys I forget who wore a condom or not but I know that you will be willing to be the father so that’s why I came to you.”
“That baby will just die. Stop your foolishness.”
“Why?” She clutched her tummy protectively. “Why must it die?”
“Because I know. It had to. I made a terrible mistake. Besides it has to die in exchange for my life.”
“How can you call our baby an “it”. He is already alive. He already came into my dreams and told me that his name is Kyriel. He said he was your guardian angel.”
I could take this bullshit anymore. I punched her a lot of times until she collapsed and bled. I then called an ambulance while she wept.
“If I tell you a secret, would you keep it?”
She smiled and nodded her head.
“I am already dead. I killed but now I was sent back to life. I was given a second last chance. All suicides get another life to live. Now we can start making good and worthy of this opportunity.” 
But she went hysterical. She started flailing her arms and legs. I had no choice but to strangle her until she went limp. I then went to the kitchen and returned with boiling hot water. I poured it on her face and inside her mouth. She groaned and had an epileptic fit then she was no more. She drew her last breath.
I carried her body and threw her out of the balcony, where she landed on top of the ambulance that was supposed to deliver her in the hospital. She was taken away. All that was left was a tiny foetus twisting and churning on the floor. It was gasping for air and was making foetus sounds. It wailed and cried out my name. “Father why have you forsaken me?” said it. 
I went mad and started trampling the poor baby. It turned to goo and baby food which I licked clean from the floor. Then I went into sleep. Tomorrow is another day.
Years passed and I married. No one knew the whole truth about what happened to my girlfriend. I was never punished. I found and married another cannibal woman to love. We ate foetus soup which she bought from hospitals and abortion clinics because she is a nurse. I always impreganate her with my potent semen and we would always wait nine months until it was fully born before we roast it on the grate.we serve them to various friends who never knew that such a monstrosity is even possible. In the end I killed her too because she tried to bite my penis off. I ate her too for several days and dumped her body on the Pasig river. She was remembered in the news as a mermaid. Her picture was used to promote advocacies for world change and clean environment. It was what she would have wanted,
I never married again but only used a lot of whores and sluts which I make pregnant. Then I eat them and our babies. I will live to old age I am sure of it. Sometimes Kyriel visits me and we chat and tells me far darker secrets of the universe. In exchange, I let him fuck me as he transforms to a variety of men, women, animals and plants. He started eating fetuses again.
So this is my story. I hope you will heed my warning. Live and enjoy life. But if there is no option left, just kill yourself for the reward of the second chance. I now work for Satan who owns the largest social networking site in the world. My task is to tempt and influence people to commit evil. If they die or commit suicide, I get bonus. But the real deal was the gift or immortality and eternal youth and beauty. I pretty much enjoy it.
I need three assistants. I have so much to do. You will get the same perks as mine. Hurry. Send your resume to jinnypark_1691@yahoo.com. Please check your mail regularly and please be punctual for the interview. You must be naked and be willing to have sex with me to apply.
Thank you and have a nice day. Praise the Almighty Father, Mehomathi, Maastrikhoi and Kyriel.
Jai Guru Deva. Nothing’s gonna change my world.