4 go to Dumdumland
written by
Patrick Edgeworth



Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2012 Patrick Edgeworth

Cover by Michelle Dybing

Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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CHAPTER ONE: The adventure begins…


“I fart at thee!”
Mia is the eldest of four kids – she’s ten and the others are eight, six and four – so she has more than a few ways of saying she’s upset with someone. But this is different. Not farting, of course. Everybody farts. Especially boys. But using it as a put down – that is new. And it’s in such an old book. And she can’t ask her parents about it because she isn’t supposed to be in Dad’s room trying to see where they’ve hidden the Christmas presents this year. 
And she certainly wasn’t supposed to spin around in his new revolving chair. Well, new to him. He’d picked it up at a garage sale for next to nothing along with a box of bits and pieces. And her foot wasn’t supposed to hit the box. And the box wasn’t supposed to fall off the desk and spill everything on the floor, so that a book opens with the words “I fart at thee!” looking back at her.
Then she realised it wasn’t a normal story book, it was a copy of a very old play. And that meant somebody has to come out on stage and say those words in front of everybody. Wicked! She’d love to do that.
Mia’s younger sister Sami peers in and says something they both know so well it doesn’t need saying. But she says it anyway. Which is why little sisters are not always as popular as they might be. 
“Mia, you’re not supposed to be in here”.
“I fart at thee”, says Mia, desperate to give the phrase an airing, as it were.
Sami is puzzled. “Fart at the what?”
“Fart at thee!
“The…?” Sami waits for Mia to finish the sentence.
“Don’t you know anything? Thee means you. It’s what they used to say in the olden days. So, I fart at thee meant, I fart at you.”
“If they meant you why didn’t they say you?”
This throws Mia for a moment. But as somebody who thinks she knows everything, she has to give it a shot. “I guess they were just dumb then. I mean, in the olden days they didn’t have Cocopops or Ipads or anything.”
“They were so Dumb,” says Sami enjoying the sound it makes. “Dumb, dumb, dumb.”
“They must have lived in Dumdumland,” says Mia as she clambers back into Dad’s chair, pushes her foot against the desk, and sets it spinning.
“Yes,” says Sami enjoying the game. “I bet in Dumdumland they’re so dumb they put ice cream in their ears because they can’t find their mouths.”
“And they wear their underpants on their head and their hat on their bum,” says Mia flying around.
“I want a go. I want a go,” says Sami and launches herself into the chair beside Mia, their bums battling for space. Meanwhile the chair, with a mind of its own, decides to stop.
“I want a ride.”
It’s Claudie their youngest sister, who they both love. So they squeeze her in without a fight. Crammed together, what they need now is someone to spin the chair.
Crash! Freddie always comes into a room as if he is going out through the opposite wall. Sometimes he bounces off things. Today the chair is in his way. Kapow!
“Freddie!” cry three accusing voices.
“What?” says Freddie picking himself up from the floor.
“Spin the chair for us,” says Mia.
“Why should I?”
“Because you’re bigger and stronger than us.” 
He isn’t – being even younger then Sami – but Mia believes in working with what she has. And Freddie – as boys do when flattered in the right way – buys it. He grabs the back of the chair and spins it around and around. The girls call, “Faster, faster!”.
And faster and faster it goes. Not wanting to miss out, Freddie hurls himself in with them. Which is not one of Freddie’s better ideas. The chair topples over and everything blurs as they find themselves falling, falling, falling. 
The four open their eyes and look around. Wow! Wherever they are, it isn’t anywhere they know.



CHAPTER TWO: A trip to Dumdumland!


The only thing Mia recognises is Dad’s chair lying on the ground, with a dirty mark on the seat. And she just knows she is going to get the blame for it. Being the eldest she gets the blame for EVERYTHING. Or that’s how it seems to her. 
Who got the blame for Claudie gutsing herself at Mathew’s birthday party and throwing up over the cake just as he is about to blow out the candles? Who got the blame when Freddie decided to leave home and become a Pirate? Who got the blame when Sami jumped from the back of the couch in her fairy wings and found out she couldn’t fly? When something goes wrong, Mia always hears the same thing: “Mia, you’re the eldest, you should know better than let them do it”. Now she’s going to be in more trouble.
And she doesn’t even know where they are. Wherever it is, it looks like something out a fairy story, with funny little cottages, all higgledy-piggledy along a curving street. The four kids glance about them.
“Awesome!” says Mia, dumping her misgivings for a moment. “It’s so old looking.”
“Maybe there’s Pirates!” says Freddie, sensing a new career ahead of him.
“Or Fairies,” says Sami, thinking she might get some tips on staying airborne.
Little Claudie just stares and says nothing. Mia wonders if she’s scared, so reaches down to hold her hand – and finds herself clutching a half-eaten sweet. Yuck!
Claudie starts to cry. “I want my Lollie. I want my -.”
“Think I want it? “ cuts in Mia, picking the furry-covered blob from her hand and giving it back. Claudie pops it into her mouth. Yum!
“Look” says Sami, pointing to a large sign they hadn’t seen before.
Welkum to Dumdumland. Populashun – who noze? Nobuddy can count over ten.
“Oh Em Gee!” says Mia, “There is a place called Dumdumland!” 
“Maybe it’s a dream,” says Sami.
“No,” says Mia, “if it was a dream I’d be a pop star.” She wiggles herself into her favourite pop star pose while looking around for a shop window or something to see herself in. But there’s nothing. Poo! A cool pose wasted!
And nobody is watching her, anyway. They are more interested in two men in Olden Day clothes, skipping along the road towards them. The Mayor is in his official red robes and gold chain with an ice cream cone stuck to his forehead. 
The Clerk – a weasely looking specimen – is more somberly dressed, with his underpants on his head and a hat on his bum. 
“It’s just like we said!” says Sami giggling.
Seeing the kids staring at them, the two men stop, amazed. They peer at Mia in her long skinny jeans and skivvy. At Sami’s short skirt and t-shirt. At Freddie’s Pirate pants and dinosaur t-shirt. And Claudie’s little sleeveless frock.
“You look so funny” says the Mayor in a voice as dopey as he looks, and bursts into laughter.
“So funny,” says his Clerk. And laughs along with his boss.
Mia can’t believe it. “We look funny,” she says. “What about you? You’ve got an ice cream stuck to your forehead.”
“Dear me, dear me,” says the Mayor. “I keep forgetting where my mouth is.” And he pulls the ice cream from above his nose and sticks it in his ear.
“I want ice cream,” says Claudie.
“Can you tell us where can we get some?” says Mia to the Mayor.
“Where else?” he says, “at the Fish and Chip shop. They’ve got some scrumptious flavours. My favourite is Cucumber and Porridge.”
“Yuck,” says the kids as one.
And with that the two men link arms and skip around the kids, rapping as they go. “We’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, dumb, dumb. From the top of our head to our bum, bum, bum.”
And they tap their bum when they say head and tap their head when they say bum. “When it comes to brains, well, nobody’s got ‘em. Our most brainy part is in our bottom. We’ve got nobody Bright or Smart or Clever. We’ve got Dolts and Dopes and Dimwits for ever.”
Mia and Sami can’t resist and join in the song, tapping their head as they say bum and tapping their bum as – well, you get the idea. Freddie and Claudie – who always copy their big sisters – copy their big sisters. “We’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, dumb, dumb. From the top of our head to our bum, bum, bum.”
The Mayor and his Clerk link arms and carry on their way, rapping. “We’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, dumb, dumb. From the top of our head to our bum, bum, bum.”
Mia and Sami fall on each other laughing. As they recover they realise something. Freddie and Claudie aren’t with them any more.
Like two little shadows, they are bouncing along behind the Mayor and his Clerk, singing and aping their every move. And getting further and further away.
“Come back,” shouts Mia. But they take no notice. “You’ll get lost.”
And Sami says something they both know so it doesn’t need saying, but she says it anyway. You know little sisters.
“We’re already lost.”
And it is about to get worse. The Mayor and his Clerk turn a corner and disappear. And the little figures of Freddie and Claudie follow.
“Come on,” says Mia. And takes off down the road with Sami beside her. They skid round the corner the others have taken and find themselves in the town square. It is full of very odd people. And not a sign of Freddie and Claudie.
Mia just knows she is going to get the blame for this. As always.



CHAPTER THREE: Meet the Dumdumians


Mia and Sami peer about for Freddie and Claudie. But all they can see are the citizens of Dumdumland. And what a sight it is. “Look,” says Sami.
She points to some people going by on their hands and knees, being taken for a walk by their dogs. 
“Think they sniff each other’s bums?” says Mia. 
“People don’t sniff each other’s bums!” says Sami. 
“Maybe they do in Dumdumland,” says Mia. 
And, sure enough, they do.
The girls collapse in giggles at the sight. And don’t stop until they see a woman hopping along towards them like a kangaroo. Boing! Boing! But there is something else about her which makes them stare. 
“Excuse me,” says Mia. “Why have you got a banana in your ear?” 
“Oh”, says the woman, “I must look so stupid.” And she sticks a banana in her other ear as well. “That’s better,” she says. And she hops on her way, past a weedy little fellow pulling a heavy cart. It would be a lot easier, think the girls, if he didn’t have his horse in the back. Not that the horse is complaining. It is playing a banjo and singing: “He’s so dumb, he’s so dumb. He’s so dumb, dumb, dumb”. 
“Come on,” says Mia to Sami. “Freddie and Claudie must be here somewhere.” 
And they take off, dodging through the crowd calling their names. But they are not to be seen. What is to be seen is a large yellow dog lolling in the sun. Sami, fearless as always, and loving anything with fur, scampers over to it.
“Careful! It might bite”, says Mia. But it is too late. Sami is already hugging it. The dog obviously approves, because it smiles and lets out a lazy “Meow.”
“Meow?” says Sami. “Dogs don’t meow.”
“I do animal impressions,” says the dog. “That was me doing a duck.”
“A duck!” says Sami. 
“A Dumdum duck.”
Mia looks on, mouth dropping. First, a singing horse, now a talking dog. But she has other things on her mind. “Come on, Sami, we’ve got to find—”
“Want to hear me do a mouse?” says the dog, cutting in.
“Go on then,” says Sami. 
It’s alright for her, thinks Mia. Being younger Sami isn’t going to get the blame when they get home short one brother and sister. 
“It’s alright for you, Sami” says Mia, “you’re not going to get the – “
“Right, here we go,” says the dog. “My impression of a mouse.” And he gives out a long M-o-o-o-o-o!
“Moo?” says Sami, “mouses don’t moo!” 
“They do so,” says the dog. “Especially when they chase cats.” It is time to introduce himself. “I’m Dumdum Dog.”
“I’m Sami.” 
“Shake,” says Dumdum Dog stretching out a paw. But before Sami can shake it, he uses his other paw to shake it himself. 
“Oh,” says Sami, getting the idea. And taking one of her hands in the other, she shakes them. 
“Sami!” says Mia, with a touch of sarcasm, “now you’ve met yourself, let’s go” 
Dumdum Dog is about to speak when something hurtles his way which wipes the smile from his face. His natural enemy is almost upon him. 
“Hello!” he says, giving the traditional Dumdum farewell, and races off chased by a barking cat. 
“Come on,” says Mia to Sami, “we’ve got to find them!” 
And they set off again calling out, “Freddie, Claudie!” 
“We’re here,” say two familiar voices. 
Mia and Sami spin around with relief. But the only thing they can see are two ice-creams bobbing in the air.
“Where are you?” says Mia and Sami.
“Here,” they hear Freddie say. “We’re eating ice-cream.”
And, sure enough, two lick-shaped blobs disappear from both ice-creams.
“We’re inbisible,” says Claudie. 
“We’re not inbisible,” says Freddie, “we’re invisible!” 
“I can see that,” says Mia. 
“Cool,” says Sami. “How did you get invisible?”
“You just eat this yummy ice-cream,” says Freddie.
“Yummy,” added Claudie. 
Mia and Sami watch, mouths watering, as another blob vanishes from each ice-cream. 
“Where did you get them?” says Mia.
“They give them to you over there,” says Freddie. “At the invisible ice-cream shop.” 
His ice-cream turns and points out where. Mia and Sami look to see a row of little buildings with a gap in the middle. 
“That’s where it is,” says Freddie.
Just my luck, thinks Mia, the Invisible Ice Cream shop is invisible. And then she has a thought. “Let us have a lick of yours,” she says, in the general direction of the floating ice-creams.
“No, it’s mine,” says Freddie. “No, no, no,” says Claudie.
Mia plays her trump card. “Mum says we should always share.” 
Being the eldest sister isn’t all bad, she thinks, as she snatches the nearest ice-cream. And Sami does the same. The ice-cream is so yummy they don’t really hear the protests. 
What they do notice is bits of them are starting to disappear. First, the top half of Mia’s arm, leaving the end holding the ice cream floating in front of her. Next, one of Sami’s legs vanish, so she looks like a stork. A stork eating ice-cream.
And that isn’t all. Bits of Claudie and Freddie are re-appearing. First Claudie’s feet, bouncing up and down in temper – and no sign of Claudie. Then Freddie’s hand trying to grab the ice-cream back – all on its own. Mia and Sami take another quick lick and hold them up out of reach. 
“Thanks,” says a low-flying pig as it plucks both ice-creams from their grasp and keeps going. And being a pig, it shoves both of them in its mouth at once – and vanishes. 
More of Claudie and Freddie pop into view. A nose. An ear. A bum. And Mia’s arm and Sami’s leg. A moment or two and they are all back to normal. Squabbling. But this time it is about ice-cream – or, rather, the lack of it. Something puzzles Sami. 
“Why don’t we stay invisible?” 
Mia has no idea. But when you’re somebody who thinks they know everything, you’ve got to say something. “I guess we ran out of invisibility!” she says.
“Close,” says a friendly voice. “You have to eat all of the ice-cream. Then you’re invisible for the whole day.” 
They turn to see Dumdum the yellow dog behind them, only now he is purple. 
“I thought you were yellow just now,” says Sami. 
“I get chased by one cat and you think the worst,” says the dog. “Anyway, ice-cream. By order of the Mayor,” he says, “the children of Dumdumland have to eat one every day to keep invisible.” 
“Why?” says Sami.
A terrifying noise rumbles across the town. Boom-boom! Bang-bang! Crash! 
The Dumdum people scurry for cover in all directions: through windows, down drains, into water barrels, anywhere they can hide. In a moment the place is empty and the kids are alone. Except for Dumdum Dog who is too scared to do anything except tremble like an anxious jelly. 
Boom-boom! Bang-bang! Crash! 
“What is it?” says Mia.
“It’s the…it’s the Giant,” says Dumdum Dog in the tiniest of voices.
“The GIANT!” they say as one.
“Shhh!” says the dog, “Or he’ll get you!



CHAPTER FOUR: Giant problems


Boom-boom! Bang-bang! Crash! 
“The Giant! It’s the Giant!” says Dumdum dog. 
Like we need reminding, thinks Mia. She has never heard such a racket in her entire life. Well, not if she doesn’t count Freddie coming in from school every day. 
But now Freddie is beside her, really quiet. As is Sami and Claudie. And they all have the same look on their face. The look you have when a Giant is coming your way and you don’t know what to do. But Mia knows what to do. She turns to Dumdumdog: “What do we do?”
“Jump on my back,” he says, “And I’ll take you somewhere safe.”
“Where?” 
“My secret hide-away.” 
And he lies down to let them clamber aboard. Mia picks up Claudie, puts her behind the dog’s head and slides on behind. Sami follows, then Freddie. “Hang on to one other,” says Mia. And they do – like rings in a Christmas paper chain. 
Boom-boom! Bang-bang! Crash! 
“Time to go,” says Dumdum dog. 
And he does, darting from house to house, tree to tree until he skids up beside a big kennel. 
If the kids aren’t sure whether this is his secret hide-away or not, a sign next to it gives them a hint. It says: “Dumdum dog’s secret hide-away.” 
That’s not the smartest thing I’ve ever seen, thinks Mia. 
That’s dumb, thinks Sami. 
Cool cubbyhouse, thinks Freddie. 
A lolly would be yummy, thinks Claudie. 
Dumdum dog glances about to make sure the Giant hasn’t seen them and starts to go through the kennel door. That’s okay for him, the door is his size. But there is no room for the kids, who find themselves wedged against the door frame. All they can do is watch as the dog slides under them until there is no dog left to sit on. Just a drop to the ground. Freddie, nearest the tail, is the first to go. 
“Ow!” he says as he lands with a bump.
Sami and Mia are next. “Ow, ow!”. 
Claudie lands beside them and starts to cry. 
“I want a lolly,” she says, knowing there is nothing like a lolly to fix everything. Including bumps.
“Don’t hang about out there,” says Dumdumdog, peering out of the doorway at the four kids sprawling on the ground. “Come in.”
And in they come – as fast as they can – and settle down beside him. 
“Congratulations,” says Dumdum Dog. “That is a really, really dumb thing to do!”
“Stupid?” says Mia. “You’re the one with the sign saying Secret Hide-away.”
“That’s right. Only somebody really, really dumb would do such a thing. So the Giant will know to leave me alone.”
“What does he do, eat people, like Giants in fairy stories?” says Mia.
“Not exactly,” says Dumdum dog.
“Maybe he’s a Vegetarian Giant or something?” says Sami hopefully.
“A Vegetarian Giant!” says Mia. “Then he’d have to say: “Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum. I smell the beans of an Englishman!”
“He’s no vegetarian,” says Dumdum dog. “A vegetarian wouldn’t do what he does.”
“What’s that? says Sami.
“Something really, really horrible,” says Dumdum dog.
“Really, really horrible?” says the kids, clinging on to each other. And it isn’t for warmth.
“He catches people and takes them back to his cave at the top of the mountain,” says Dumdum dog. “And then…and then…he sucks out their brains with a straw!”
“Sucks out their brains! Yuck!” say the girls. 
“Awesome!” says Freddie, who secretly loves yucky things. “A Brain Slurpy!”
“Why would he want to do that?” says Mia.
“So he can always be the smartest person around,” says the dog.
“The one with the brains,” says Sami.
“Very clever,” says the dog.
“Thank you,” says Sami. 
“Clever is not something you want to be,” says Dumdum Dog. “The Giant doesn’t bother dumb people. But if you’ve got any brains he’ll have them. And you kids are the only ones in Dumdumland who look like you’ve got any.” 
Boom-boom! Bang-bang! Crash! 
Mia says it for all of them. “Time to go home.” 
“How did you get here?” says Dumdum dog. 
Four voices try to tell him at once, until Mia calls for order. “Shut up!” – and tells him what happened. How one minute they were in their Dad’s room spinning in his chair and the next they were in Dumdumland. 
“Anyone with a brain can see what happened,” says Dumdum dog.
“What?” they all want to know.
“I said anyone with a brain!”
“You’re right,” says Mia. “As Dad’s chair got us here, maybe it can – “
“It can get us home again,” says Sami talking over her. 
“We left the chair at the Dumdumland sign,” says Mia, “will you show us how to get back there?”
“Sure,” says Dumdum dog and points out of the door.
“Just round that corner and up the road.” 
“Aren’t you coming with us?” says Mia.
“I have to stay and practice my animal impressions. I’m trying to sound like a tortoise.”
“But tortoises don’t make any sound,” says Sami.
“I didn’t say it was easy,” says the dog. And with a cheery “Hullo” he waves them goodbye.
Mia peers out of the kennel. No sign of the Giant. 
“Come on,” she says, and leads the way. The four kids look about them.
“Now we’ve got to stick together,” says Mia. “No running off. Or we’ll never get home.”
“What if the Giant sees us?” says Sami. “He’ll know we’re the only ones with any brains.”
“Maybe not,” says Mia. “Just do what I do.” And she skips off singing: “We’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, dumb, dumb. From the top of our head to our bum, bum, bum.”
The others follow, tapping their bum when they say head and tapping their head when they say bum. Round the corner they go and up the road. “We’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, dumb, dumb. From the top of our head to our bum, bum – “
Everyone stops singing. They’ve got back to the Dumdumland sign without any worry. There it is, right in front of them. What isn’t in front of them is their Dad’s chair. It has gone. No wonder they all go silent. 
“Where is it?” says Freddie. 
Mia wished she knew. It is their only way of getting home. Now they are really in trouble!



CHAPTER FIVE: Where’s the chair?


Where has the chair gone, they all wonder? Somebody must have taken it. But everyone in Dumdumland is hiding. Except them. And the Giant, of course. But, so far so good. He hasn’t seen them and they haven’t seen him.
“Maybe he’s taken Dad’s chair,” says Freddie, trying to be helpful. 
“Why would a Giant want with Dad’s chair?” says Mia. “His bum would be way too big.”
“Ice cream,” says Sami.
“Ice cream?” says Claudie. Key words like ice cream, lollies or cake always get her attention. 
“Maybe someone gave the chair some invisible ice cream and it disappeared,” says Sami.
“Have you ever seen a chair eat ice cream?” says Mia. 
Sami isn’t going to give in easy. “It might. This is Dumdumland.”
“No,” says Mia, “somebody must have taken it.” But who?
“Goodbye, again.” 
It is the familiar voice of Dumdum Dog, greeting them. They all turn and say “Goodbye.” 
“Why aren’t you in your secret hide-away?” says Sami, “the Giant might see you.” 
“No he won’t,” says Dumdum Dog. “He’s gone back to his cave.”
“How do you know?” says Mia.
“Didn’t you hear the bell? They ring it when the Giant’s gone.” 
“No,” says Mia. “We doesn’t hear a thing.”
“That’s probably because it hasn’t got a clapper,” says Dumdum Dog.
“You mean the bell doesn’t make any noise?” says Mia. “What’s the use of a bell you can’t hear?”
“We don’t want the Giant to know we know he’s gone.”
“So how do you know when it’s safe to come out?” says Sami. 
“Simple,” says Dumdum Dog. “When you can’t hear the bell ringing. 
“But it could just mean the bell hasn’t been rung,” says Mia. 
“Correct!” says Dumdum Dog. “Fools him every time!”
“That’s so stupid!” says Sami.
“They don’t call it Dumdumland for nothing,” says the dog. 
And calling out “Hullo” he lollops away.
People are beginning to appear on the street again, relieved that the Giant has left. Stalls are being set up and people starting to sell stuff.
“Hot Dogs! Get your Hot Dogs here!” 
The kids, who – apart from a couple of licks of invisible ice cream – haven’t eaten since breakfast, rush over to a cheerful-looking man at a Hot Dog stand. Unlike most people in Dumdumland he seems totally normal.
“Four Hot Dogs, please,” says Mia.
“Only got two left”, says the Hot Dog Man. 
“But there’s four of us,” says Freddie.
“Don’t worry,” says Sami. “We’ll share like Mum says.”
“Good idea,” says Mia and turns to the Hot Dog man. “I’ll have one and they’ll share the other one.” 
“That’s not fair,” says Sami. “We should have half each.”
“Half each!” says the Hot Dog Man. “What kind of monsters are you?”
“We’re not monsters,” says Sami.
“We’re hungry,” says Freddie.
“How can you eat these?” says the Hot Dog Man, reaching under the counter and bringing out two cuddly Terriers.
“They’re not Hot Dogs,” says Mia.
“They are so,” says the Hot Dog Man. “I stole them myself this morning.”
Sami is curious. “What if the owners see them and want them back?”
“They can have them.” The Hot Dog man looked about to make sure no one is overhearing, “For a certain amount of money.”
“How much?”
“Depends on what I can afford.”
“You pay the owners to take their stolen dogs back?”
“Yeah. Am I a big crook or what?” He turns to people passing by. “Hot dogs. Get your Hot Dogs here.”
“You haven’t seen anyone carrying an office chair, have you?” says Mia. 
No, he hasn’t. But anything to do with lost property they should try the Mayor’s Office.
So that’s what they do. But the Mayor’s clerk – still with the underpants on his head – blocks the way into the Mayoral office. 
“You can’t see the Mayor,” he says, “he’s busy.” 
The kids can see the Mayor through his open door. He has his head on the desk, snoring like a happy pig, making his papers rustle. 
“He’s not busy,” says Freddy. “He’s asleep. 
“He’s busy sleeping,” says the clerk. “You can see it takes up all his time.” 
“Maybe you can help us,” says Mia. Secretly she doubted it. A man who wears his underpants on his head doesn’t seem a good bet. But she told him about the missing chair anyway.
“If anything goes missing in Dumdumland,” the clerk says, “the Giant has taken it to his cave. Which means it’s lost for ever. And that’s that.”
“But we can’t get home without the chair,” says Mia. 
“Maybe we can go and ask him for it back,” says Sami.
The clerk gave a chilling laugh. “Don’t even think it!” he says. “Nobody who tried to reach the Giant’s cave has ever come back alive.”
“What if we ask him nicely?” says Sami.
“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word. And you’ve got to get there first!” He points to a map on the wall. “First you have to get past the Bubbling Bubbles, then the Fairies and then – 
“Fairies!” says Sami “Maybe they can teach me to fly.” 
“Not these Fairies,” says the clerk. “And talking of flying. Pigs can attack you from the air at any time.” 
“Why would that they do that?” says Mia.
“They do what they are told!” says the Clerk. “I mean – they are nasty things. Who knows what they will get up to?”
He returns to the map. “Then you have to face Pirates and Dinosaurs and—” 
“I love Dinosaurs,” says Freddy.
“And they’ll love you. For Dinner.” He glares at the kids. “So whatever you do, don’t attempt to go to the Giant’s cave!”
“But we have to,” begins Sami, “Or—”
Mia cuts her short. “Of course we won’t,” says Mia, thinking that’s exactly what they are going to do. Sami catches on and shuts up. What choice do they have if they are ever to get home? They scurry out of the Mayor’s office to find Dumdum Dog waiting.
“Like me to show you the way to the Giant’s cave?” he says.
“Cool,” says Mia.
They reach the spot where they first arrived. Dumdum Dog stops by the road sign and points out a track which leads towards a distant mountain. At the top of the mountain behind hovering black clouds is the Giant’s cave.
“That’s the way,” he says. Mia, Sami, Freddie and Claudie set off up the track. Dumdum Dog doesn’t move.
“I thought you were coming?” says Sami.
“I’m not that dumb,” says Dumdum dog.
“Well,” says Mia, “we have to.” And she skips off singing: “We’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, dumb, dumb. From the top of our head to our bum, bum, bum.”
The others follow, tapping their bum when they say head and tapping their head when they say bum. Into the distance they go…on their journey to the Giant’s cave.



CHAPTER SIX: Thinks Bubbles


The track to the Giant’s cave is a pretty lazy track. It doesn’t go straight up the mountain, but takes the easy way, meandering round and round the side until it reaches the top. And then stops from exhaustion.
Mia, Sami, Freddie and Claudie haven’t got far along it when they find themselves staring at something they hadn’t expected. 
“A forest of trees!” says Sami.
“What else do you expect a forest of!” says Mia.
Sami isn’t sure. “This is Dumdumland. It can have been a forest of anything. A forest of flowers. Or a forest of -
“Coco-pops,” says Claudie.
“Or a forest of Doggy-doos,” says Freddie.
But it is a forest of pines with spiky needles. And leaning against a trunk is an odd looking creature with a pointy nose, whiskers and a stringy tail. Dressed in a battered hat, check coat and tattered trousers. 
They all stop and stare. 
“What is it?” says Freddie.
Mia takes the opportunity to suck her thumb for a moment while trying to make up her mind. “It’s a rat,” she says finally. 
“I am not a rat,” says the Rat, “I am a person.” 
“You might be all dressed up like a person,” says Mia, “but you’re still a rat.”
“Don’t be rude.”
“I’m not being rude.”
“Calling someone a rat is rude.”
“But I’m calling a rat a rat.
“My point, exactly,” says the Rat as though that settles everything.
“Look”, says Mia, “not only look do you like a rat, it says so here.” And she points to an identity badge on his trousers which says: “Roland Rat.”
“I’m a rat, like a dog is a dog. But I’m not a rat like I’m a terrible person who can’t be trusted. You can see my references.”
“What’s weferences?” says Claudie, who sometimes has trouble with her “Rs”. “Are they yummy?”
“References,” says the Rat, “are what other people write about you, to say how trustworthy and hardworking you are.” 
And he pulls out a bunch of crumpled letters from deep in his pocket. 
“Look, look,” he says, waving the letters around and making it impossible for Mia to read. “From the Lord Mayor. And his clerk. And Dumdumdog. All saying how honest I am.” 
And to prove it, he shows a paw print at the bottom of the last letter. But Sami can see something more. 
“Why are all the letters in the same handwriting?” 
“Why wouldn’t they be?” says the Rat. “They’re all about the same person.”
A flying pig flutters down through the trees and whispers in the Rat’s ear. Actually, the Rat has two ears. It’s just that the pig only whispered into one of them. It’s possible the other ear got jealous for being ignored, but we’ll never know.
The Rat listens intently to the pig. “I get it…I get it…I got it.”
He turns to the kids. “So you are on your way to the Giant’s cave.”
“Wow!”, says Freddie. “You get messages from a flying pig!”
“Don’t you get picky, too,” says the Rat. “I’d use a mobile phone but they haven’t been invented yet.”
He saunters towards the kids with a big smile. “Ronald Rat at your service.”
“What do you mean, at your service? Are we going to church or something?” says Mia.
“Foolish child. It means I can help you reach the Giant’s cave without you having to walk for miles. That way you miss the Fairies, the Pirates and the Dinosaurs.”
“But I don’t want to miss the Fairies,” says Sami.
“And I don’t want to miss the Pirates,” says Freddie.
“And I don’t want to meet the Dinosaurs,” says Mia.
“You can wave to them from above,” says the Rat.
From above, they wonder? What does he mean, from above?
“Come with me,” says the Rat and takes them to a nearby glade. Only the kids don’t know they are in a glade because they have no idea what a glade is. If you’d asked they’d probably say Glade is some kind of Sports Drink on TV – and not an open space among the trees.
This open space has something unusual: a line of small holes in the ground. And, every few moments, out of the holes pops something soapy which makes their eyes light up.
“Bubbles!” yell the kids, rushing forward to pat them around. Well, the girls pat them. Freddie, being a boy, punches them. 
“These are not your ordinary Bubbles,” says the Rat. “These are Thinks Bubbles. 
“What’s a Thinks Bubble?” says Sami.
“You’ll soon see,” says the Rat. “They’ll carry you up to the Giant’s cave in no time.”
 Sami, Freddie and Claudie jump up and down. This is going to be good fun. But Mia sounds a cautionary note. B flat minor if you really want to know. 
“Ummmm,” she says, “what if the wind blows us the wrong way and we get into trouble in the bubble?” 
“You won’t get into trouble in the bubble. The bubble never gets into trouble,” says the Rat. 
“But what if the bubble hits some stubble and we end up as rubble?” says Mia.
“You won’t end up as rubble because you won’t find any stubble near the bubble.”
“What’s stubble?” says Claudie.
“Sharp pointy stuff,” says Mia.
“Like Daddy’s chin,” says Sami.
 “Or the spiky bits left after harvesting wheat,” says Mia flaunting her knowledge of something she’d read on a cereal packet.
“Never mind about that,” says the Rat, not knowing he is making a rhyme. “Each of you stand over a hole – and you’ll soon be on your way. But first, you have to pay me.” 
“How much?” says Sami.
“It will cost you four milk shakes,” says the Rat.
“Four Milkshakes!” says Mia. “Any particular flavour?”
“Goldfish-flavour,” says the Rat.
“Goldfish-flavour!” says Sami.
“Yummy,” says Claudie from habit.
This is crazy, thinks Mia. “I’m sorry,” she says, “but we forgot to bring any goldfish-flavoured milk shakes with us.”
“That is so thoughtless,” says the Rat. “Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself!”
“Maybe there’s something else we can give you,” says Mia. “We’ve got t-shirts and jeans and sandals and—”
“I’ve got a jellybean in my pocket,” says Freddie. “And it’s hardly been sucked.”
“That’s so tempting,” says the Rat. “But there is something I’d really like. And I only want one. An Elephant.” 
“An Elephant!” they say as one.
“With yellow stripes.”
“No worries,” says Mia.
“And purple spots,” says the Rat.
“Just your average elephant,” says Mia.
“Exactly,” says the Rat. “Have you got one about you?”
“I think we would have noticed,” says Freddie. 
“Don’t tell me you’ve come out without one,” says the Rat. “That is so careless!”
The kids look at each other, perplexed. Well, they would looked perplexed if they knew what perplexed meant. It comes down to this. What can they possibly give him to get a ride in the bubbles?
“There is something we can give you,” says Sami. “Something you can’t get from anyone else. Four big Thankyous from us personally.” 
“Four big Thankyous!” says the Rat, a tear welling up in its eye. But the other eye stays dry as it isn’t so emotional as its twin. “That is so sweet,” he says. “Alright. Out of the kindness of my heart, you can have a bubble each for the price of a Thankyou.” 
A chorus of Thankyous and they dash forward and each take a place over a hole. A thought hits Mia.
“But you haven’t told us—”
But the soapy stuff oozes out and envelopes them, so nobody hears the rest of the sentence. 
“—how to get down again!”
Soon Mia, Sami, Freddie and Claudie are drifting skywards each in their own bubble. Up, up, up. 
On the ground the Rat is whispering to the pig. “When you get back you can say they fell for it. And talking of them falling, you’ll need one of these,” he says plucking a sharp pine needle from a branch. “I’m such a rat,” he says chuckling. “Heh-heh! Heh-heh!!” 
And above the treetops, the kids are floating in their bubbles, happily unaware of any danger.



CHAPTER SEVEN: Bubble trouble


So there they are drifting upwards, each in their own bubble. Mia looks down between her feet. Oops! The ground is getting further and further away. Not that heights bother her. 
But a question does pop into her head. Questions are like that. Without knocking, they burst in and want all your attention. Like a three year old sister asking you to read her a story when you’re in the middle of something really, really important, such as texting your best friend what you’re doing right now. 
So there is the Question in Mia’s head demanding an answer. And she notices the words “How are we going to get down?” floating over her head. And that’s just what she is thinking. “How did that happen?” she wonders. 
“How are we going to get down?” vanishes and “How did that happen?” appears in its place. 
“Wow!” says Mia. She always says “Wow!” when she is flabbergasted. Mainly because she has no idea what flabbergasted means. And, even if she did, wow is a lot quicker to say. And easier to spell. And everybody knows what it means. Whereas with flabbergasted you have to explain to people it means Gobsmacked. And when they look at you clueless you have to go on and say Gobsmacked means surprised. Like, totally. Which she is now. Wow!
Mia realises what Roland Rat meant when he said “Thinks Bubbles”. They are like the bubbles over people’s heads in comics showing what they are thinking. She peers out at the other bubbles to see what is on everyone’s minds. 
Over Sami’s head she can see the words: “A fairy! A fairy!”
Mia looks down but she can’t see a fairy. “It’s a butterfly!” appears over her head.
“No, it’s a fairy! I love Fairies.” pops up over Sami’s. 
“We all love Fairies,” thinks Mia. “But that’s a Butterfly.”
Freddie has other things on his mind. “Pirates! Where are the Pirates?” 
And over Claudie’s head it says: “Snakes! Snakes! I want jelly snakes.”
They wave at each other as they drift upwards, reading each other’s thoughts. All except Claudie, of course, who is too young to read. Though, ever since she could crawl, she can look at yummy stuff like ice cream wrappers and sweet packets and pick which is which without any trouble. 
“This is so fun” appears over Mia’s head. But it isn’t enough fun for Freddie. He’s worked out that if he walks inside his bubble it goes forward. And if he runs it goes faster and faster. This is more like it. He hurtles his bubble into Sami’s. Boom! And they both bounce away, laughing. 
Can you guess what words appear over Freddie’s head? No you can’t, because there aren’t any. You might think something would be there showing what he is thinking. But if you think that you don’t know boys. Rather than think they like to do stuff. Such as bouncing their bubble into other people’s. 
In a moment they are all at it, bumping and bouncing, bouncing and bumping. Freddie bounces so hard, he accidentally lets out a fart. Which makes its presence known. And it’s not nice. “Yuck”, he thinks. And the word appears over his head. But it can’t stand the smell either and slumps over. 
Freddie wonders if he can poke a hole in the bubble to let some air in. But realises he can’t. Put a hole in a bubble and it goes pop and disappears for ever. 
Meanwhile, his sisters are bumping into him, so he starts bumping back. They are having so much fun they don’t realise how far above the ground they are. 
Another Question pops up in Mia’s head and demands she deals with it right now: “What if all this bumping bursts the bubbles? And we all fall to the ground. And get all squashed to bits.” 
The words appear over her head for the others to read. 
“We’d better stop now,” says Mia’s bubble. 
“No way,” says Freddie’s.
“Don’t be a spoilsport” says Sami’s.
“It’s alright for you,” says Mia’s, “I’m the one who will get into trouble if we all end up dead. I’ll be grounded for weeks.”
“If the bubble bursts we’ll all be grounded. Grounded into the earth” says Sami’s bubble.
“Ha-ha,” says Mia’s bubble. “Very funny! Not!”
And then the Rat appears. There he is, Roland himself, drifting up towards them in a bubble.
“What does he want?” appears over Mia’s head.
“Who’d want to miss all the fun.” appears over the Rat’s head.
“Bouncing is so fun,” appears above Sami.
“Bouncing is fun, too,” says the words over the Rat’s head.
“Too?” says Mia’s words. “What does he mean, too? Is there something else he thinks is fun?
And then she can see what. The Flying Pig is heading straight for them, flapping its wings and holding a very sharp pine needle. If the end of that needle touches a bubble it will burst. And whoever is inside would fall to the earth with a terrible Crash! The Pig can’t be thinking of doing that, can he? Yes, he can. 
But Mia is the only one who realise the danger. The others are having too much fun bouncing off each other. 
The pig glides around trying to decide who would be his first victim. Should it be Mia or Sami or Freddie or Claudie? Claudie is nearest so he flies straight for her.
“No way!” appears over Mia’s head and she runs and runs on the spot, sending her bubble hurtling forward into the Pig. Wham! The Flying Pig gave a squeal of surprise and stops flapping its wings. So what happens? Does it drop like a stone? No. More like a Pig who has stopped flapping its wings. 
“O-o-o-w!” it yells as it heads in the direction of down.
The smile on the Rat’s face disappears. As smiles tend to do. You never know where you are with smiles. The slightest thing and they’re gone. But this one quickly returns when the Rat sees the Pig flap its wings again. In a moment it is flying back towards the children, the needle ready.
“Help! Everyone!” says the words over Mia’s head. And the others see Mia running towards the Pig as fast as she can. 
Bang! Mia rams into his side. 
Bang! Freddie bangs into his other side. 
Bang! Sami slams into his snout. 
And Claudie has a go, too. She can’t read Mia’s thoughts, but if the others are banging into a pig, that is good enough for her. And she bangs him in the bum. 
The Pig is so dizzy he doesn’t know what he is doing, and flies into the Rat’s bubble…and pops it by mistake. So there is the Rat, bubbleless. And a long way from the ground.
“Not a good look,” thinks the Rat as he starts to fall. And he grabs for something to save him. And that is the Pig’s twirly tail. 
“Ow!” cries the pig. “Ow! Ow! Ow!” 
The Rat hangs on, the tail straightening with his weight, as he swings to and fro, like a furry little Tarzan. 
The Pig keeps flapping his little wings and slowly they rise. Soon they are back among the kids’ bubbles. 
“You know what you’ve got to do,” says the Rat, “Do it!”
The pig flies straight at Sami and pops her bubble. Mia, Freddie and Claudie’s faces fall. Oh, no! Sami starts to fall. But she is no dummy and grabs for something to save herself.
And that something is the Rat’s crumpled boot. And she hangs on tight. So there they are: Sami hanging on to the Rat. The Rat hanging on to the Pig. And the Pig frantically flapping its wings trying to stay up. But it needn’t worry. 
The Rat’s boot is old and loose and is slipping from his foot. And Sami with it. Soon she is tumbling over and over as she hurtles towards the ground, far, far below.



CHAPTER EIGHT: The Fairy Forest


Sami tumbles through the air. She knows that in just a moment she’ll hit the ground and will be all squished up. And she isn’t looking forward to it. Anything has to be better than being all squished up. Even sharing a bed with Claudie would be better. And she kicks all night. Any moment and it could all be over. She closes her eyes and hopes it won’t hurt too much. 
It doesn’t. She feels nothing. It doesn’t even feel like she is falling anymore. Maybe she’s already dead and gone to heaven? She opens her eyes to check. And finds herself gently drifting down, held aloft by three Fairies. Fairies! She’s always wanted to meet a Fairy – and here are three of them, lowering her safely to the ground. 
Up in the sky, way over the trees, things aren’t looking so good. The flying pig is circling Mia, Freddie and Claudie, like a hungry shark deciding who is to be first on the menu. The Rat is still hanging from his tail and isn’t a happy rodent. 
“Get on with it” says the Rat. “My arms are killing me!”
“Your arms!” says the Pig. “What about my tail! It’s all long and stringy. I’ll have to put it in curlers.”
Down below the Fairies introduce themselves to Sami. There is Daffodil in flimsy blue. And Bluebell in flimsy yellow. 
Sami isn’t sure if it is because in Dumdumland they have blue Daffodils and yellow Bluebells – or the two share a fairy bower and got dressed in the dark. And then there is Hyacinth, with cropped hair, nose ring and tattooed wings. 
“My friends call me Goth,” she says. Sami says how grateful she is for them saving her.
“Well, you believe in Fairies,” says Daffodil.
“It’s the least we can do,” says Bluebell. 
Something bothers Sami. “What would have happened to me if I didn’t believe in Fairies?”
“Ever seen Road Kill?” says Goth. 
Sami gulps. Fairies are supposed to be sweet and gentle. And then something else puzzles her. 
“How did you know I believe in Fairies?”
“Listen,” says Goth. “If you don’t want people to read your mind, don’t hitch a ride in a Thinks Bubble.”
Up above the trees, if the Thinks Bubbles could think they’d think they are in trouble. Because the Pig gives an evil smirk and flies straight at Freddie. Freddie tries to back his bubble away, but the Pig is too fast and jabs it with the sharp pine needle. Pop it goes! The fart inside is eager to escape, bursting into the pig’s face. Ugh! Its eyes cross and it nearly drops the needle. But it doesn’t. 
The Pig has two more victims to deal with first, Mia and Claudie. And Sami is really scared for them. 
“Do you think,” she asks the Fairies, “you can help my brother and sisters? They all believe in Fairies and—”
She looks up to see Freddie falling towards them.
“Oh, no!” But she needn’t worry. The three Fairies fly up and catch him and lower him towards the ground. But now here comes Mia and Claudie tumbling through the air. And there is no one to save them!
“Look!”, says Sami. The Fairies can see the problem. There isn’t time to get Freddie down and reach Mia and Claudie. Goth puts two fingers in her mouth and blows a whistle they could hear in Mongolia. 
In a moment, Fairies pop out from everywhere. From under leaves and out of flowers, from beneath stones and every fairy place you can imagine. And up they fly and form a protective blanket around Mia and Claudie and bring them safely down. 
“Awesome!” says Sami. And it is.
“You know who’s to blame,” says Goth. “It’s that dirty rat.”
Way above, the Rat is still hanging on to the Pig’s tail, pondering his next move. But he doesn’t have to worry about it for long because Goth decides it for him. She flies up and punches him smack on the nose.
“Ow”, says the rat and lets go of the Pig’s tail. 
Down below, Mia and the others cheer as the rat falls through a tree, bouncing off branches all the way down. 
“Ow. Ow. Ow.” Eventually he hits the ground. “OW!”
He looks up to see he is facing a hoard of shimmering Fairies. What if they can all punch like that? He turns and runs like the rat he is. And the flying pig takes off back to town.
Mia looks round at the assembled Fairies. “Thank you for saving us.”
“Yes, thank you,” says Sami.
They turn and glare at Freddie and Claudie who quickly take the hint.
“Yes. Thank you, thank you,” they say.
A cool silence from the Fairies. 
“You children are so rude!” says Daffodil.
“Rude?” says Mia. “We said thank you.”
“What about the rest of it?” says Bluebell.
“The rest?” says Sami.
“Where were you brought up?” says Goth. And she puts her thumbs to her ears, waggles her fingers, pokes out her tongue and pulls a face that looks like a Baboon’s bum. “That’s a proper thank you.” 
Mia and the others can’t wait to try it. Thumbs go into ears, fingers are waggled, tongues poked and faces pulled. 
“That’s better,” says Goth. 
“Did you know,” says Sami. “You are the first Fairies we’ve ever seen.”
“What about the Fairies in your garden at home?” says Daffodil.
“We haven’t got Fairies in our Garden,” says Freddie.
“Just because you haven’t see them”, says Daffodil, “doesn’t mean they’re not there.
“Just like a fairy’s fart,” says Goth.
Daffodil gets them back to the subject.
“There’ll be Fairies in your garden,” says Daffodil.
“Indeed there will,” says Bluebell.
“We’re just good at making ourselves invisible,” says Goth. 
“But I can see you,” says Claudie. And the Fairies disappear. Just to make a point.
“Oh, Claudie, what have you done?” says Sami. “I wanted them to show me how to fly!”
Daffodil, Bluebell and Goth reappear.
“You need three things to be able to fly,” says Daffodil. “You need to believe you can do it.”
“I believe I can,” says Sami.
“You need fairy wings,” says Bluebell, 
“I’ve got fairy wings,” says Sami. “But when I put them on and jump off the settee, I just crash to the floor.”
“And you need to be a fairy,” says Goth.
Sami looks miserable. “You mean I’ll never be able to fly?” 
“Not unless Dad buys you a ticket,” says Mia. She turns back to the Fairies. “What about wands? Have you got magic wands?”
In answer, wands appeared in the Fairies’ hands – magically.
“Great,” says Mia. And she explains how they need to go to the Giant’s cave and find Dad’s chair so they can get home. And as fast as possible. Because their parents must be worried about where they are. 
“So can you magic us up to the top of the mountain, please?” says Mia.
“We can magic you right inside the giant’s cave,” says Daffodil.
“But it wouldn’t do you any good,” says Bluebell.
“In fairy stories you go on the journey to learn stuff,” says Goth. “And what are you going to learn if we make it easy? Nothing”.
“What stuff are we going to learn,” says Mia. 
“You’ll know it when you learn it,” says Daffodil. “Just head up that path.”
The three Fairies give the Dumdumland farewell: “Hullo!” – and disappear. 
Mia and the others can hear the Giant banging about in the distance, making a terrible din. Maybe he is looking for some more brains to slurp up. Not theirs they hope. But they can’t be too careful, so not feeling as brave as they pretend, they skip along the path singing: “We’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, We’re so dumb, dumb, dumb. From the top of our head to our bum, bum, bum.”
They haven’t gone far when they come upon a signpost. It says: “Beware of the Brontosaurus”.
“Oh Em Gee,” says Mia.



CHAPTER NINE: Beware of Dinosaurs


Mia leads Sami, Freddie and Claudie around the curving path up the mountain. But something is bothering Sami. 
“What I don’t get,” she says, “is why that Rat was so rotten to us.”
“He’s a rat,” says Mia. “That’s what they do.”
“What about Rattie in Wind in the Willows? He was a good little fellow.”
“Maybe he just got good PR,” said Mia. 
“What’s PR?” says Sami.
“I don’t know,” said Mia. “But if you’re famous you seem to need lots of it.”
“And what about the flying pigs? They were horrible to us, as well. And we didn’t do anything to them either.”
Before Mia can reply, she sees something that makes her stop and stare. 
“A Pirate Ship!” says Freddie, filling in the silence. And they all gape at the three masted galleon in front of them, its sails furled so they don’t catch the wind. 
“How do you know it’s a Pirate Ship?” says Sami. “How do you know it’s not just any old ship?”
“It’s got the Jolly Roger,” says Freddie pointing to a flag painted with a skull and crossbones. “It lets everyone know they’re Pirates. And they sail the mighty main.” 
“What’s the mighty main?” says Claudie.
“I don’t know,” says Freddie, “But Pirates always sail it.
“The main is the sea, stupid,” says Mia. “And there’s not much of it here. In fact there is no sea in sight. Not a drop of sea to see. What kind of stupid Pirates have a ship on dry land?”
“Dumdum Pirates,” says Sami.
“I can’t see any,” says Freddie. And nor can anyone else. The Pirate ship seems to be as short of Pirates as it is of something to sail on. 
Freddie spots some netting hanging over the side of the ship. 
“Let’s climb up and take a look,” he says.
“Have you forgotten what we’re supposed to be doing?” says Mia without a pause so Freddie can’t tell her even if he wants to. “We’re supposed to be going to the Giant’s cave, find Dad’s chair and get home.”
“We could have a very quick look,” says Sami. 
“No,” says Mia, “we’ve been gone ages already. And guess who’s going to get the blame when we get home?” She strikes a pose. “Moi!”
“That’s okay, then,” says Freddie. And turns and scurries up the side of the ship. Sami and Claudie take after him. 
“Come back. Come back,” says Mia.
But they don’t. “You are all so mean,” says Mia. 
Sami calls back. “Come on Mia, it’s fun.”
“No – nothing would get me on that ship in a million years.”
And she turns her back on them and folds her arms. Which gives her a startlingly good view of a huge Dinosaur looking at her through the trees.
“Time flies”, says Mia and she grabs the netting and almost runs up the side of the ship, passing everybody. Soon they are all on deck.
“Get down, get down,” says Mia, pulling them behind the gunwales. “Don’t let the Dinosaur see you.” 
“What Dinosaur?” says Sami.
They all pop their heads up to take a peek. 
“That Dinosaur,” says Mia, gulping. The Dinosaur’s head is only inches away on the end of a long, probing neck. And its looking them over as if they were lunch. 
They shiver like four jellies as it opens its huge mouth. Ending up as a Dinosaur’s dinner is not how they planned to end their day. 
“Please tell us you’re opening your mouth to take a breath or something and not because you’re feeling like a snack,” says Mia. 
“Don’t worry” says the Dinosaur. “I’m a Brontosaurus and we’re vegetarian, And even if I wasn’t, I’ve left my teeth behind.”
“How can you leave your teeth behind,” says Claudie. “Mine go everywhere with me.”
“Mine are by my bed in the Retirement Home,” says the Dinosaur.
“Retirement home?” says Mia. “Since when did Dinosaurs have Retirement homes? Or beds either.”
“When you’ve been around for millions of years, like we have,” it says, “it’s time to take things easy.”
“But,” says Freddie. “I thought Dinosaurs roared and ate people and—”
“No, we just had bad PR,” says the Dinosaur. “And people like to read that gruesome stuff. They don’t want to find out we eat tofu and salad and are in bed by half past eight. Well, I’ve got to get going. We’re having Cream Tea today. And I like a nice Cream tea. 
“What’s Cream Tea?” says Claudie. 
“It’s scones with jam and cream.”
“Do you want some company?” says Claudie, 
“You’re not going anywhere,” says Mia grabbing her hand. 
“Nice to meet you,” says the Dinosaur and adds the Dumdum farewell, “Hello!”
“Hello”, they all echo. And he turns to leave.
“Could you do me a favour, before you go?” says Freddie.
“No,” says the Dinosaur. “Cream Tea is calling.”
“I just want to hear you roar.”
“Roar? I haven’t roared for years. I don’t know if I still can.” A sad look creeps over the Dinosaur’s face. “Nowadays all I seem to do is fart. Now let me see. Which end does a roar come out? Ah, yes.”
And the Dinosaur draws himself up, takes a big breath and opens his mouth. Out rolls a thunderous, sulphurous, thunderous bellow which blows the kids clean over.
“Wow!” thinks Freddie. If that’s how his breath smells, his farts must be legend.
“When you got it you got it,” says the Dinosaur. And with the boost of happy memories, lumbers off back where he came from. 
The kids get to their feet. They’ve met a Dinosaur and survived. They’re out of danger. Or so it seems until they turn around. 
A bunch of evil-looking Pirates glare at them. Their Captain clutches a cutlass, has two pistols in his belt and a savage scar down one cheek. There’s a battered three cornered hat on his head and an even more battered Parrot on his shoulder.
“Shiver me timbers,” says the Parrot, “What have we got yer, Stowaways?”



CHAPTER TEN: Pirates and Parrots


As the eldest, Mia thinks she’d better set things straight. “We’re not Stowaways,” she says, “we’re—”
“Silence when I’m going to speak,” says the Captain.
“How would anyone know you were going to speak?” says Mia.
“I knew,” he says, “it can’t be that hard.” He turns his head to the Parrot on his shoulder. “How many times do I have to tell ya. The Cap’n does the talkin’.” He turns back to the kids. “Shiver me timbers, what have we got yer, Stowaways?”
“I already said that,” says the Parrot. 
The Captain glares at it. “How long can a bird like you live without its feathers?” 
“I’m hoping this is a quiz,” says the Parrot.
“I’m not saying,” says the Captain, contradicting himself. “But if somebody don’t shut ‘is beak, my pillow could be a lot softer tonight.” 
“Anybody got a sweetie?” says Claudie in a world of her own.
Mia decides to take charge. “Like I said, we’re not Stowaways, we’re—”
“I can see what you be,” says the Captain. “Three girls and a boy. And girls are bad luck at sea.”
“That is so not true,” says Mia. 
“And we’re not at sea either,” says Sami.
“Of course we ain’t,” says the Captain. “It’s ‘orrible stuff, the sea. All wet and wobbly and makes you sick.” 
“How can you be Pirates, if you don’t go to sea?” says Freddie. 
“How come you’re such a know-all?” says the Captain.
“I want to be a Pirate when I grow up,” says Freddie.
“Well, well, well,” says the Captain, “and here’s me needing a cabin boy.”
“You can’t have Freddie”, says Mia. “He’s got to be home for his tea.”
“Come yer, Jim lad,” says the Captain ignoring her, “let’s look at ‘ee.”
“I’m not Jim lad. My name’s Freddie.”
“No, no, Freddie don’t do it as a Pirate name. It’ll have to go. The stress is on the first syllable and the second one just disappears. Fredd-ie. But Jim lad’s got a ring to it. Same stress on each syllable. Jim lad. Don’t that sound better, boys?”
The crew mutter their agreement. If they don’t, they know the Captain could get angry and do something really horrible to them, like hang them up by their thumbs and tickle them under the arms.
“How about calling him Ferocious Fred?” says the Parrot. 
“How about putting a bung in that beak of your’n!” says the Captain.
The Parrot keeps on as if he has heard nothing.
“Ferocious Fred is a name that could put fear into every man sailing the seven seas.”
“But you’re not even sailing one of them,” says Sami.
“I’m speaking metaphorically,” says the Parrot.
“You’ll be speaking with great difficulty if you don’t shut up,” says the Captain.
“Try that and you’ll end up without your you-know-what,” says the Parrot.
“You wouldn’t dare,” says the Captain. 
“I would so,” says the Parrot and pecks at the Captain. 
The scar disappears from the Captain’s face and flutters in the Parrot’s mouth.
“Everyone knows it’s a pretend scar,” says the Parrot out of the side of its beak. “It’s made of paper and you stick it on every morning.”
“I still won it in battle,” says the Captain.” 
“That wasn’t a battle,” says the Parrot, “that was a pillow fight.”
“Have you ever had a pillow fight with Blackbeard? He plays rough. And let me say right here and now: he was lucky his whiskers was glued on proper or he’d have lost them, too.”
Parrots and Pirates may not be something they see every day, thinks Mia, but she has to get everyone home. Or she is for it. “Come on, Freddie, it’s time to go.”
The Captain turns to him. “What’s it to be, Jim Lad. You want to be a Pirate or what?”
“More than anything,” says Freddie. “Or play for Collingwood.”
“If ya wants to be a Pirate, you must first pass the loyalty test.” He tosses his cutlass to Freddie. “Make them girls walk the plank.” And he nods towards a board sticking out from the side of the ship.
Freddie’s not sure about this side of Pirating. It would be fun to make his big sisters jump over the side, but not Claudie. She’s just too little.
“We can’t walk the plank anyway, “says Sami. “There’s no water to fall in.” 
“The sea’s full of it,” says the Captain. 
“I don’t see much sea around here,” says Mia.
“You will,” says the Captain and turns to the crew. “Weigh Anchor!” 
The crew jumps to it calling out, “No, no.” Which is Dumdumland for “Aye, aye!”
They tug at lines and the sails unravel. As they fill with the breeze, there’s a creaking of timber and the galleon lifts into the air. Up, up the side of the mountain it goes. 
The kids give a collective, “Wow!” Except Mia, that is, who gasps out, “Oh Em Gee!”
“Yes,” says the Captain, “We sail the seven skies looking for ships to plunder.” 
“Are there many other ships sailing the sky?” says Sami.
“None I’ve seen,” says the Captain. “It don’t make for an easy life.”
Mia and Sami look over the side of the ship and see it is now rising up the side of a steep cliff. At the top is the Giant’s cave. 
“When we get over the sea, Jim lad, you make them girls walk the plank,” says the Captain. 
“Do I have to?” says Freddie. 
“Either that or you walk it with them.” 
“You are such a Meanie,” says the Parrot.
“I am not a Meanie,” says the Captain. 
“You are so.”
“Am not.
“Am.”
“Am not.”
“Am so.”
“Am not.”
And on and on it went. With all eyes on the Captain and the Parrot, Mia and Sami realise it’s their big chance. Mia grabs Claudie and Sami calls “Freddie”. He looks across and sees they are making their way to the end of the plank. He darts over and joins them, still clutching the cutlass. 
“We all hold hands” says Mia. “And when we reach the Cave we step off together.”
“Wow!” says Freddie. This is a day to remember.
Claudie looks puzzled. “Are we going home now?” she says.
“Soon,” says Mia. “We’re pretending we’re getting out of a lift.”
“Only the lift won’t stop,” says Sammie. 
“So mind the gap,” says Mia.
They are now almost opposite the Giant’s Cave. As it comes into view, Mia says: “Let’s go!” And they all step out on to a ledge at the top of the cliff. Safe. Except for Claudie who loses her balance and teeters on the edge. But Mia and Sami have her by the hands and pull her clear. 
Above them the Pirate Ship keeps rising, two bickering voices fading into the distance.
“Am so.”
“Am not.”
“Am so.”
“Yer, where they gone?”
The kids look around them: behind is a long drop down the side of the cliff. In front is a huge cave in the rock where the Giant lives. A terrifying noise rumbles out: “Boom-boom! Bang-bang! Crash!” 
The Giant is obviously home, in all his horribleness. And that’s where the kids want to be, too. Home with Mum and Dad, knowing they are safe and loved. But that’s not the way it is. It doesn’t matter how scared they are – and they all are – they’ve got to face the Giant. 



CHAPTER ELEVEN: The Giant’s lair


“Okay, let’s go,” says Mia sounding a lot more courageous than she feels. In fact, they are all trying to put on a brave face. But it shows in their tiny voices as they sing: “We’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, We’re so dumb, dumb, dumb. From the top of our head to our bum, bum, bum.”
The kids creep forward and peer into the darkness of the cave, the noise from inside echoing around the walls. They can’t see Dad’s chair or anything else for that matter. Except for a light, that is, in the distance.
They pick their way in the darkness towards the light. But the closer they get the more scared they feel. And it’s hard not to show it when their teeth seem to have a mind of their own and chatter away. 
“We’re so d-d-dumb, we’re so d-d-dumb . We’re so d-d-dumb, d-d-dumb, d-d-dumb–”
They give up and go on in silence until they reach the entrance to a smaller cave, where the light – and the noise – is coming from. And they peer inside. Are they going to come face to face with the Giant now they wonder? 
No. What they see is a Kangaroo. It’s sitting at a drum kit and beating it with such force it’s lucky not to be arrested for cruelty. The Kangaroo sees them and stops playing.
“G’day,” it says pleasantly.
“G’day,” say the kids.
“You’re a Kangaroo!” says Mia, almost accusingly. Well, when you think you’re going to see a Giant and you see a Kangaroo, what else would you say? Certainly not “You’re a teapot”. But this being Dumdumland, who knows?
“I am not a Kangaroo,” says the Kangaroo. “I’m a Rock Wallaby.” And he beats out some Rock on the drums to prove it.
“But down in the village they think that’s the Giant banging about,” says Sami.
“Well nobody’s come to complain,” says the Kangaroo.
“Maybe they’re too scared,” says Mia.
“Who’d be scared of me?” says the Kangaroo.
“Are you saying it’s just you here. And there is no Giant,” says Mia.
“Of course there’s a Giant,” says the Kangaroo. “Who do you think let’s me practice here?”
“So…so where…where is he?” says Mia, fighting her fear.
“He’s right behind you,” says the Kangaroo.
The kids freeze. Then slowly they turn and look. And look. And look.
“I can’t see him,” says Freddie,
“Nor me,” says Mia and Sami.
“Where is he?” says Claudie.
“I’m here, Stupid!”
They look down towards the source of the sound and see a tiny figure no bigger than a Garden Gnome, with a teeny-weeny voice to match. 
“You’re not a Giant!” says Mia.
“I am so a Giant,” says the tiny figure. “I’m a Dumdum Giant. We come in two sizes: Jumbo and Economy. Guess which I am?”
“That’s crazy. There’s no such thing as a small Giant,” says Mia.
“Well, do I look Jumbo-size to you?”
“But the people think you’re Ginormous and kidnap people and suck their brains out through a straw,” says Sami.
“I know,” says the Giant sadly. “I’ve got the worst PR.” 
“You mean you don’t suck out people’s brains?” says Freddie somewhat disappointed.
“Yuck!” says the Giant. “As if.”
“What about stealing things from the town and bringing them up here?” says Sami.
“Why would I do that?” says the Giant. “All their stuff would be way too big for me. Though I do borrow things from the fairies when they’re not looking.”
“We’re trying to find a revolving office chair. Have you seen one anywhere?” says Mia. 
“I haven’t even seen a revolving office,” says the Giant.
Mia looks at the brother and sisters. “You know what this means? It mean if the Giant didn’t take the chair, someone else did.”
“Oh, you’re good, Sherlock,” says Sami.
“You know what I mean,” says Mia. “Who warned us off about coming here? Who said the flying pigs might attack us and they did? Who—”
“The Town Clerk in the Mayor’s Office,” says Sami.
“If anyone knows where Dad’s chair is,” says Mia, “that weasly little thing does.”
“It’s not as though I didn’t tell him years ago,” says the Giant. 
“What?” says Sami.
“I knew they were saying terrible things about me in the town, so I went to see the Mayor. As he was out I spoke to the Town Clerk. And I told him what I told you. But nothing changed.” 
“Does this mean we’ve got to go back to where we started?” says Freddie not too happy at the thought. 
“I’m hungry,” says Claudie. 
“That’s a big surprise,” says Mia. “But nobody’s getting anything until we get home. And before we can go home we have to find the chair.”
“It’s such a long way back to town,” says Claudie. “And my feet hurt.”
They look at each other with glum faces. It begins to seem like they’ll never get home. There’s an awful silence as they think about life without Mum and Dad and their friends and all the things they love. Claudie’s little face starts to crumple and she lets out a Claudie-sized sob. Mia puts a comforting arm around her. “We’ll get there somehow, Claudie,” she says.
“I suppose I could magic you back to town,” says the Giant.
“What!” they say as one. 
“That would be awesome,” says Mia.
“And we could tell the people you’re really nice and they shouldn’t be scared,” says Sami.
“That would be great. Just tell them the truth. That I’m economy size and would never harm them. And they are welcome to drop by any time.”
“They’ll be so happy,” says Sami. “Knowing there’s nothing to be frightened of.”
“And tell anyone who plays an instrument I’m forming a group called Lord Ga-ga,” says the Kangaroo. “We can go Ga-Ga together.” 
“Are you all ready?” says the Giant.
“We’re ready,” they all shout back. 
He springs up on a rock. “Magic time,” he says and clicks his fingers. A wand appears in his hand. 
“Cool!” say the kids. 
“The Fairies lent it to me,” he says, “ only thing they don’t know it yet.” 
He taps each of them on the head with the wand and chants: “So they don’t have to trudge all the way down, take these four kids to the middle of town.” He waves the wand. There’s a flash and a flurry of sparks and…



CHAPTER TWELVE: Will they ever get home?


…and there they are in the middle of town. Mia, Sami, Freddie and Claudie, all with a kind of Wow! expression on their face anyone would have if they’d just travelled by magic for the first time. And there are the Dumdumland people looking and acting as dumb as ever. And there’s Dumdum Dog lolloping towards them. 
“Goodbye,” he says, pleased to see them. “Have you got any brains left? Or did he suck them all out?”
The kids all talk at once trying to tell Dumdum Dog what happened. 
“No Giant?” says Dumdum Dog. “No! Get Away! Really? That’s great! Now I can stop acting stupid, go to Uni and get a degree. I’m thinking maybe Psychology and then into advertising or politics. Let’s go and tell the Mayor.”
“The person we want to see is the Town Clerk,” says Freddie, waving his cutlass to show he means business.
Dumdum Dog and the four kids race towards the Mayor’s Office, all calling out: “Good news. Good news. There is no Giant! There is no Giant!” 
“No Giant? No Giant?” say the people, stunned. “Of course there’s a Giant! What about all that noise he makes?”
“It’s just a marsupial playing the drums,” says Sami who likes to show off her vocabulary at times.
“And the Giant isn’t a giant at all, just this sweet little person who would like you to pay him a visit.”
“So he can suck out our brains. No thanks!”
“But he doesn’t do that.”
“Of course he does,” say the people, getting angry. “That’s why we act dumb. Why would we act dumb if there’s no Giant and he doesn’t suck out brains?”
The news, rather than making the people happy, was making them more and more angry. “There is so a Giant. And he’s a giant Giant,” they say. 
“You’ve got it wrong,” says Mia. But the more she tries to convince them the angrier they get.
Dumdumdog and the kids race up to the door leading to the Mayor’s Office, an irate crowd behind them. They don’t know it but the Town Clerk is watching them from an upper window.
“You go and do what you have to do,” says Dumdum Dog. “I’ll try and talk some sense into them.” The kids dart inside and slam the door behind them. The Town Clerk’s face disappears from the window.
Dumdumdog stands defiantly with his back to the door. “We want those kids,” says one of the crowd. “They’ve got to be punished for the terrible lies they’re telling!”
Dumdum dog puts on his best hero’s look. “Anyone who tries to go through this door will have me to deal with.” 
A voice from the crowd says “Do you want us to tear you apart limb from limb – or what?”
“I prefer the sound of “Or what”,” says Dumdum Dog. “What do you have in mind?” 
Inside the kids run along the corridor to the Town Clerk’s office and look inside, but he’s not there. Where can he be? Then they spot the Lord Mayor approaching. He has a chicken on his head.
“We’re looking for the Town Clerk. Have you seen him?” asks Mia.
“No,” says the chicken.
“Don’t listen to him. He says foul things,” says the Mayor.
“So you have seen the Town Clerk?” says Mia.
“Yes,” says the Mayor. “Often.” And he turns down another corridor. 
“Have you seen him recently?” says Sami.
“What do you mean by recently?” 
“Like just now,” says Mia.
“No, not just now,” says the Mayor.
“What about before just now?” says Sami.
“He was going into his storeroom before.”
“Where’s the storeroom?”
“Where the Town Clerk is, Silly!” And he goes into his office and closes the door.
Outside, Dumdum dog has his back against the door facing an enraged crowd. One of them shoves his face up against Dumdum dog’s nose. “Move away from that door or you are dead.”
“Dead! Why didn’t you say that before? I’m allergic to being dead. It doesn’t agree with me.” And he stands aside, saying: “Try the Mayor’s office.” Well, he knows the kids aren’t going there. The crowd rushes in past him with deadly intent, like shoppers at the January sales. 
The kids race along a corridor. At the end are some well worn stairs leading down into a dark basement. And there’s a sign: “These stairs are for the use of the Town Clerk only. Private. Keep out. That meenz U, Stupid.”
So naturally Mia leads the way down. “It’s spooky,” says Claudie. Mia puts a finger to her lips as a sign to keep quiet. “But it is,” says Claudie.
“Shhh,” says everyone at once as they move on down into the darkness. At the bottom they find a door with a light underneath spilling on to the stone floor. That’s where he must be, thinks Mia. And turning to the others puts her finger to her lips again. They must be quiet. 
She takes a big breath and pretending she’s not frightened, reaches for the handle and eases open the door. But it creaks. And it’s a loud creak. Anyone inside is sure to have heard it. But we can’t stop now, thinks Mia and opens it wide.
But they can’t see anybody. What they can see is things, hundreds of things: plates and cutlery and vases and toys and teddy bears and jewellery and boots and furniture and all kinds of stuff piled high. In the ceiling above is a pulley with a rope secured to a wall. He must use that to move the heavy stuff, thinks Freddie.
But where is Dad’s revolving chair? They tiptoe round the huge pile – and there it is. At last! And it still has that dirty mark from landing in Dumdumland.
“Hurray!” they all shout, dirty mark or not.
“Are we going home now?” says Claudie.
“Yes,” says Mia. “We’re going home.”
“Oh, no you’re not!” says a harsh voice. Behind them, the Town Clerk locks the door and puts the key in his pocket. “You’re not going anywhere.” And he picks up a big metal mallet.
“You’re a thief,” says Sami with more courage than she feels. “You stole all this stuff and blamed the Giant.”
The Town Clerk moves towards them swinging the big mallet. The noise of the crowd searching the building is getting closer.
“Here’s what’s going to happen,” he says raising the mallet. “You’re going out there and tell the crowd you were lying and there is a Giant and he sucks out people’s brains.”
“But there isn’t,” says Mia.
“And he doesn’t,” says Sami.
They can hear the crowd hurrying down the stairs and banging on the door. “We want those kids! We want those kids!”
“You go out there and tell them what I said,” says the Town Clerk. “Or I’ll smash up the chair. And then you’ll never see your home again. Ever!”
The banging on the door is getting worse and the lock creaks as though it is going to burst. “The kids. The kids. We want the kids!”
“I”m counting to three and then I’m smashing the chair,” says the Town Clerk. And he raises the mallet over his head.
Freddie glances at the rope and pulley and whispers to Mia. “Do something.”
“What?”
“Anything.”
“One,” says the Town Clerk beginning the count.
“Do what I do,” Mia whispers to the others and cartwheels across the floor. Sami and Claudie follow. 
“What do you think you’re doing?” says the Town Clerk as Mia leads the other two singing and dancing the Dumdum song. “We’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, we’re so dumb, dumb, dumb”.
Freddie, unseen, scurries to the wall where the rope is secured. 
The Town Clerk is getting furious. “Two,” he yells. The girls take no notice and keep singing: “From the top of our head to our bum, bum, bum.”
Cutlass between his teeth, Freddie starts to climb the rope.
“Three,” says the Town Clerk watching Mia, Sami and Claudie cavorting around:. “When it comes to brains, Well, nobody’s got ‘em.”
“Three?” he says.
“Our most brainy part is in our bottom.”
“Three?” Where’s that other kid?”
That other kid is slashing the rope below his feet. And he swings from the wall across the room, just like a Pirate. Freddie’s feet slam into the pile of furniture sending it toppling on to the Town Clerk and burying him. He won’t be going anywhere for a long time.
“Quick,” says Mia as the door threatens to give way from the pounding of the crowd. “We must do exactly what we did before.”
Mia and Sami drag the chair out of the pile and climb on it, followed by Claudie. Freddie spins it around and around. The girls call, “Faster, faster!”.
And faster and faster it goes. Freddie hurls himself in with them. The chair topples over and they find themselves falling…
The four open their eyes and look around. They’re still in Dumdumland! And the door is about to give in to the angry crowd. What went wrong? Why aren’t they home?
“Maybe we spun the chair the wrong way,” says Mia.
They pick it up and try again. Mia, Sami and Claudie jump on and start it spinning. Freddie gets it going faster and faster.
The door flies open. “Get those kids,” yell the crowd.
Freddie hurls himself on to the spinning chair. It topples over and everything blurs as they find themselves falling…falling, falling. 
They open their eyes and look around. And there they are back home in Dad’s room – safe.
Mum calls from downstairs. “What’s that awful noise? What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” they say as one. And they believe it. Because the whole memory of their adventure has gone, wiped from their minds as though it never happened. A complete blank. Even the dirty mark has disappeared from the chair. 
Their mother calls again. “Who’s going to help me trim the Christmas tree?”
“Me, me, me, me,” they all shout. And race for the door to find themselves wedged in together like a rugby scrum. 
“I was here first,” says Mia.
“I fart at thee,” says Freddie. But he only says it, thankfully not following up with a demonstration. 
Soon they are all downstairs fighting over who is going to put the sparkly stuff on the tree. And Mum is tearing her hair. Can’t they ever agree?
Upstairs Dad’s room is back as it always was. But the revolving chair, if it could, would smile. Because only it knew what had happened and how if the kids spun it in the right way again it could take them on another adventure to another land…


###



This is all started when I was playing with the real Mia, Sami, Freddie and Claudie and we dreamed up a place called Dumdumland. And every time we met we had a big laugh coming up with the dumb things the locals might do. When the kids went to live overseas I decided to turn those dumb things into a story, which I sent them chapter by chapter. 
I eventually showed it to a schoolteacher friend who read it to her class over a few weeks. They enjoyed it so much I decided to produce it as a book. My first.
Previously I’d written for performance: television, theatre and film. This included a movie for kids: “BMX Bandits”, which starred the teenage Nicole Kidman. Maybe “4 got to Dumdumland” will become a movie one day.
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e-mail: dumdumland@internode.on.net