Men Aren’t Stupid. 
and Nine Other Free Lessons That 
Will Change Your Life


Roslyn Hardy Holcomb
roslynhardyholcomb.com
Men Aren’t Stupid. 
and Nine Other Free Lessons That Will Change Your Life

Copyright July 2012 Roslyn Hardy Holcomb
Published by Roslyn Hardy Holcomb at Smashwords

All rights reserved. This copy is intended for the original purchaser of this e-book only. No part of this e-book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without prior written permission from Roslyn Hardy Holcomb. 

Cover Artist: Whit Holcomb


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Introduction
This book came about because I’ve been online in various forums since the mid-nineties and have in that time become something of an advice guru. Though I’ve been a counselor, therapist and social worker a lot of the advice that I give here I learned from my late mother, Edith Smith Hardy. Other lessons I learned through my life experience and that of my friends and family. Of course, if I’d listened to my mother I would have had a lot fewer hard knocks, but she always said a hard head makes for a soft behind. 
Over the years of counseling women both online and in real life I began to see a pattern. I was repeatedly being asked about the same issues in different iterations. To avoid redundancy, and because I’m too lazy to keep typing the same advice over and over again, I put together these Free Lessons to address the problems I kept hearing about. 
I’m deeply concerned about the quality of discourse between young men and women in this country. There is a level of bitterness and anger that is troubling. I suspect that much of it has come about due to social changes that we have little control over. Intellectually we know that gender roles have changed, but our biological responses to the opposite sex have not. People are more or less the same as they were five hundred years ago, or for that matter five thousand years ago. Check out the Song of Songs in the Bible. When Solomon starts talking about “your vines have sweet grapes” he’s spitting some serious game. He’s doing the same thing men are doing today––trying to get some.
Though women are more independent and self-sufficient than we’ve been at any time in history our basic instincts haven’t changed. I believe that a lot of the anger we’re seeing between the sexes these days has come about because we’re being told to act as though these instincts don’t exist. Even worse, many intellectuals claim that there is no such thing as gender roles. Well, I’m not an intellectual. I’m a pragmatist and that notion seems downright foolish to me. While I agree wholeheartedly that people should not be forced into certain behavioral patterns because of their gender, I cannot deny that there are differences between the sexes. To my mind there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging and capitalizing on them. 
There are those who will say that these behavioral patterns are sociological rather than biological. My response is...and? Regardless of the source of the courting rituals they’ve worked for humankind for a few thousand years. Have they worked perfectly? Probably not, but the fact that we’re still here perpetuating the species indicates that it works better than the alternatives. It is far better to use them to our advantage to gain what we all want -- a loving relationship. This book will help you do just that.
Free Lesson #1
Birds Do It. Bees Do It.
Whilst watching Oprah a while back I came to the painful realization that an awful lot of people did not grow up as I did watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom every Sunday night. Or, perhaps they did and didn’t comprehend its applicability to us -- that we too are animals and our habits and rituals are not all that different from our primate brethren. 
On the Oprah show there was a rather obnoxious guy who nonetheless was spitting some serious knowledge about dating/mating. (He really was insufferable, but as my mama used to say even a blind hog finds an acorn every now and then.) The women weren’t hearing him though. He told them the basic truth that men are always “window-shopping” and that a woman who is looking for a man should always be attractively dressed and looking her best. This is very reasonable advice, but Gail King, who really is old enough to know better said that if you dress superficially you’ll attract a superficial man. She went on to ask, what happens later on in the relationship when you don’t always look good? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Let me go all Marlin Perkins on y’all for a minute. ALL MEN ARE SUPERFICIAL, PERIOD. 
Now, before folk accuse me of male bashing let me explain. We’ve been on this planet a couple hundred thousand years or so, but it’s only been in the past few thousand years that we call ourselves civilized. For most of our time here we’ve had a very difficult existence. Back in the day women stayed at home feeding the kids, while also trying to keep various godawful beasties from eating them. Men would go out and try to kill some of those same beasties to feed their younguns. 
Under those type circumstances you need a mate who is as healthy as possible. After all, if the mother doesn’t survive childbirth the child will die as well. And she also must be strong enough to protect your offspring while you’re gone. What are the signs of health and youthfulness in a female? Shiny hair, clear smooth skin, bright eyes and teeth. Round shapely buttocks and breasts and long legs are all indicators that a woman is of mating age. These are the things that the male of the species is instinctively looking for in a mate. And I’ve heard time and again that it’s not fair that men put so much stock in a woman’s physical appearance. I agree, it isn’t fair, but what in life is? You can either put forth the effort or spend your Saturday nights alone picking lint out your navel. Your call. 
There are those who would counter with the notion that women aren’t shallow since we’re appreciative of what a man does as opposed to how he looks. While that is true what exactly does this indicate? You guessed it, his ability to provide for and protect his offspring. So, we’re quite superficial too; after all, we’re invested in perpetuating the species as well. Let’s look at one thing that almost all women say they’re looking for: a good sense of humor. What does humor indicate? Intellect. Clearly a man can’t bring down a woolly mammoth with brute strength alone. He has to be able to outsmart the beast. A smart guy will always get the girl, because she knows he will literally bring home the bacon. Even flirting itself is an indicator of intellect. Many of us are quick to dismiss a guy who is not articulate, who has no “game.” We instinctively understand that this part of the courting ritual is designed to demonstrate intellectual acuity. And let’s be real here, few of us are interested in a man who has no resources or at least the ability to acquire the same. (Nor should we be.) Yes, most of us are independent and self-sufficient or on our way to being there. However, we still instinctively gravitate toward men who are successful and accomplished. We have the same species-preserving instincts that men do. And it’s not all about the intellectual with women either. What about those broad shoulders and slim hips that look so “manly” to us? Both are signs of sexual maturity and most importantly, physical strength. It’s not an issue of being shallow, these cues are instinctual and have kept us on the planet for a few hundred thousand years and with any luck will keep us here for at least a while longer. 
We also need to understand the sometimes subtle cues that indicate a man’s interest. In this we have to take a clue from the birds. Certain breeds of penguins will bring pebbles to the female he’s interested in, as pebbles are used for building penguin nests. Other birds will present sticks or twigs to its chosen light of love. Human males do much the same thing if you’re paying attention. A guy will put forth an effort to demonstrate his ability to provide for his mate. He might make reference to his earning potential, or take an opportunity to show you his skills in nest building. Few men are as blatant as the gentleman who was pursuing my mother at one point. He simply took out his checkbook to show her his bank balance. I was impressed. Unfortunately for him my mother wasn’t. A girlfriend of mine casually mentioned that the guy who lived down the hall from her was so nice. He had come over the previous evening to assemble an entertainment center  and some bookcases for her. Anytime she came home with a load of groceries he was always there to help bring them in. I laughed and teased her about how hard he was pursuing her. She just smiled and said that no, he was just being “nice.” She was stunned when he asked her out a few weeks later. I wasn’t. Yes, there are nice guys out there, but if a man is constantly helping you out, or going out of his way to do things for you, there’s a very strong likelihood that he’s courting you. Pay attention. 
Understanding these instincts will also help those who are challenged in the flirting department as well. Flirting serves two purposes; it draws attention to your best attributes and lets a man know you’re interested. It all starts with eye contact. You might recall the patented “Shy Di” look employed by the late Princess of Wales. This look is designed to capture a male’s attention while looking shy and demure. Few men can resist the allure of a woman who is not aggressive but clearly interested at the same time. All this is part and parcel of chasing a man until you let him catch you. Remember, men aren’t stupid. They understand that you’re putting out lures, but they enjoy the fact that you’re putting forth an effort. Men need those signals to initiate contact. When you look up at a man through your lashes that way you will capture his attention, and once you have it, you must hold the look for at least twenty seconds. (Count them off if you need to, and yes, twenty seconds is a very long time, but most eye-to-eye contact lasts ten seconds at the most. Twenty seconds will make your interest clear.) If he breaks contact before time is up, look away also. Then do it again. If he doesn’t maintain it this time, move on to the next guy, he’s not interested. If he’s interested he’ll take the next step. Once he notices you, be sure to preen yourself, that is touch your hair, or your face. This sends a signal to the man that you’re making yourself attractive for him while drawing attention to your best attributes. Once he’s initiated contact, laughing at his jokes and touching him casually cements the notion that you find him attractive and appreciate his humor and intelligence. It also lets him know that he can make you happy and entertain you. 
And please, don’t say you don’t want to play games. This is much too serious to ever be a game. It’s part of our instinctive behavior as primates. When you try to shut it down or ignore then it’s you who is in fact playing games. Resisting it does nothing but cut off your nose to spite your face and leaves you at home while savvier girls are snagging the prince. Other women have commented on how “humiliating” flirting is. That is they don’t like the idea of trying to draw a man’s attention so that he chooses her. I really don’t understand their mindset. In truth, the man isn’t choosing you, you’re choosing the man. After all, you’re the one making the eye contact and other flirty moves. Short of dragging you off by your hair a man can’t choose a woman against her will. In fact all through history women have chosen their mate. Even when men literally engaged in combat to win a wife, it was the woman who did the choosing. That hasn’t changed one bit. 
Also it’s imperative that you don’t let a man know he’s being pursued as it will trigger his flight response. And no matter how many men tell you they like being approached by women, don’t believe them. While it’s true they are flattered by a woman who makes the first move, it’s also true that the one who initiates contact becomes the “man” in the relationship. Unless this is a role you prefer don’t do it. Case in point, the relationship between Bill and Hillary Clinton. You might have heard the story about how they met in the Yale library. Apparently they made eyes at one another for quite a while until finally she asked him if they were going to keep staring or was he going to ask her out. I’ve always thought their initial meeting set up the way their relationship continued. She was the top earner and always seemed to wear the pants in that marriage. He retaliated by being continually unfaithful. (Women earning more than their men is becoming increasingly common, and it can be a tricky area to navigate. If you’re a high wage earner you have to be careful to choose a man who is comfortable with that. There are some studies that indicate men who earn less than their wives are more likely to cheat.) Obviously I don’t know the Clintons personally and have never counseled them, but had I been with her in that library I would’ve warned her against speaking first. So, while you’re out there on the hunt for a partner, don’t forget that deep down we still have our primate instincts. 
Free Lesson #2
Choose An Honorable Man
Not too long ago a reader asked me what she should be looking for in a mate. I pondered her question for a long time. It would seem that a lot of people are puzzled, and while I can understand that, it’s hard for me to tell someone what they should be looking for in a man. This, above everything is a highly personal issue. However, since I’ve been asked, I’ll tell you what I was looking for when I met my husband. When we were going through pre-marital counseling the priest asked us to tell one another what our expectations were in a spouse. I only had one; that he’d always be an honorable man whom I could respect. 
I’ve been accused of, and plead guilty to using old-fashioned words like honor, cherish, and chivalry. It’s a deliberate choice. They’re very evocative words, bringing to mind old-fashioned notions of male and female interactions and I use them for that purpose. Please note, that choosing a partner with traditional values doesn’t mean that you have to have a traditional relationship though that is my preference. A couple is free to negotiate whatever type relationship they want to have. Traditional values actually make a non-traditional relationship more viable, because you know he will keep his word and follow-through on whatever type relationship you negotiate. I prefer a traditional relationship, but I know women who have chosen a different route and are quite comfortable maintaining it because their husbands are honorable men. 
What do I mean by honorable? In my mama’s words, “If he’s meant for you there won’t be no mess behind him.” This statement is profound in its simplicity. An honorable man won’t have a bunch of drama, whether romantic or financial around him. He takes care of his business in an honest, forthright manner. So if the bill collectors, psycho ex-girlfriends, etc… are hanging over him, you know he’s not the one. I know this begs the question how can he control ex-girlfriends and such. See, here’s the thing, psycho ex-girlfriends are usually psycho for a reason. I know that’s hard to accept, but it is what it is. Most guys know from the beginning that a woman is not right in the head. However, these women are usually easy to get into bed. Guys will lay up with these women, get the goodies, then try to move on, and that’s when the craziness begins. Honorable men don’t behave this way. Sure, it’s always possible that he didn’t know she was crazy, but in my experience that is rare. Honorable men avoid the crazy no matter how tempting it is. 
Now, here’s the kicker, in order to have an honorable man, you have to be an honorable woman. Remember, he’s not going to have any drama in his life. That includes yours. So you’ve got to clean out your closet as well. Stalkerazi ex-boyfriends and financial monkey business is a red flag that sane men want no part of. They’ll run like their drawers are on fire. 
And keep in mind, honorable men are honest to a fault. They do what they say they’re going to do, period. If he tells you he’ll call you at 7:00, he does exactly that. With some men you have no idea if or when he’ll show up. I once dated a guy who was so fly-by-night when he said 7:00 I had no idea if he meant a.m. or p.m. I had enough sense to let that go, but not until after I’d wasted far too much time on such nonsense. That’s not a problem with honorable men. You don’t have to worry about follow-through. If my husband isn’t where he’s supposed to be I know to start checking hospitals and morgues. He’ll be there, on time, or die trying.
That’s the kind of man I wanted. I sat down and made a list, a very specific list of the characteristics I needed in a husband. Too women make the mistake of saying, “I need a man”. That’s way too general. After all, the universe is busy it doesn’t have time to decipher what we mean so specificity is crucial. You need a certain type of man, and you need to look inside yourself to decide what that is. 
Being with an honorable man is not easy. My husband can be persuaded, but he doesn’t push worth a damn. If you ask him a question you’d best be prepared for the direct truth. Yes, he will tell you that you could stand to lose a few pounds! Or that an outfit isn’t particularly flattering. Are you ready for that type of man? Then by all means let the universe know! Happy Hunting.
Free Lesson #3
Get Off the Damned Phone
It has come to my attention that despite my repeated remonstrations to the contrary, women are STILL spending way too much time on the phone with guys they just met. If my email is any indication, many of you are frustrated that dude will call you up, spend hours on the phone with you, but never take you out. Dear reader, my response, as always is in the title of this lesson -- get off the damned phone.
I’ve explained this before, but we’ll go through it again for remedial purposes. Men and women are attracted to different things. Men are visual creatures. I can explain the anthropology behind this; it’s not that they’re pigs, it’s because they’re primates. Anyway, a woman’s physical presence is her strongest attractant to a male. Men attract women with their words, their intellect, charm, humor and wit. What happens when you’re on the phone? You lose most of the power of your womanliness, while he still has all his manliness at his disposal. He can’t see your hair, eyes and skin. The sassy arch in your back, the secretive curve of your bosom. He can’t be enveloped by your womanly aroma and the silk of your skin. You can’t lure him with your flashing eyes and dark lashes beckoning him closer. So basically you’ve crippled yourself. He’s got a ready tool at his disposal to woo you. It doesn’t cost him anything, plus, if he’s got you tied up on the phone for hours he can be sure you’re not with anybody else. 
This is a bad practice for a lot of reasons. For one thing, a smart woman is always presumed to have more than one suitor at a time (whether you do or not). If he can hold you up on the phone for hours, then he knows there’s no other guy. (And believe me, guys know this, it’s part of their strategy. It’s a cheap and easy defense against other men.) Also, 90% of communication is lost when you talk over the phone. Humans read a lot in body language and through eye contact, two crucial components of communication that you don’t have over the phone. Text messaging is even worse. You don’t even use whole words and miss out on inflections and tone. You can’t even tell if the guy can spell. What kind of communication technique is that? How does that benefit you? It doesn’t and must be avoided at all costs. Women need their instincts to suss out whether a guy is being truthful or not. You need to be able to see his body language, make eye contact, and even smell him so your intuition can kick in. It’s a lot easier to pitch a lot of bull over the phone than in person. Remember, the telephone is a device you use to make arrangements to see one another. 
The phone is dangerous in another way too. All too often we’ll find ourselves on the phone late at night while we’re in bed. This creates a false air of intimacy that can lead to phone sex and oversharing. Once you’ve done that it’s very hard to maintain the type boundaries that lead to real intimacy. Yes, proper boundaries lead to real intimacy. No one in their right mind is going to share their deepest innermost thoughts with someone who is too free with their own. Intimacy comes through trust and that takes time. If you tell all your business why would he trust you with his? One woman I counseled felt it was crucial to let a guy know upfront all manner of very private details about her life. She would do a garbage dump right at the very beginning in the mistaken belief that by being an “open book” she was being “fair.” Though she wouldn’t acknowledge it I also believe that she thought this would engender protective instincts in a man. 
This philosophy is unbelievably misguided. You can’t expect chivalry from a man who barely knows you. That comes with commitment and takes time. There is no way to leap ahead in the process. Nor should you want to. My client would get angry when she’d never hear from the guy. She’d rant and rave about their superficiality and her inability to find a “good man.” So I asked her if she was a “good woman?” Did all this oversharing make her look like a “good woman,” or a bag lady with a shopping cart full of the crazy? It took me forever to get through to her that men are looking for a playmate, not a charity case. Even worse there were literally dozens of men in her town that knew the type intimate secrets a smart woman takes to the grave. Frankly I think she was quite fortunate that none of the guys took her on. Men who are interested in women like that generally have major issues of their own. They have savior complexes and often are emotionally or physically abusive. They’re looking for vulnerable prey and when you give them all your information at the very beginning of the relationship they have plenty of ammunition to whip you with. Think of it this way, back in the old days a captured soldier was only required to divulge his name, rank and serial number. A man is only entitled to your name and STD status, and that’s only if you’re about to have sex. He gets your FICO only when he presents a ring, and not until. Otherwise that’s none of his business either. Bottom line is, if you’re a former coke whore with the heads of your six previous boyfriends in your trunk that’s nobody’s business but yours (and possibly law enforcement). Avoid long phone conversation and you can escape this minefield altogether.
Once you’ve made this mistake a man has no need to see you he already knows everything about you. You’ve lost your air of mystery. A woman’s power is in her presence. In person you can weave your magic, on the phone you’re much too vulnerable. So, if he’s calling you thirty times a day, you definitely don't need to talk to him that frequently. Talk to him 15 to 20 minutes at the most. (I know, I know, this is a tough one, but trust me, it works.) If he wants more of your time than that he needs to be taking you on a date.
This is especially true of cell phones. Think about it, when someone has your cell phone number they have 24-hour access to you. Do you really want to share that with someone who has made absolutely no commitment to you? Keep it to landlines until the two of you are exclusive, and even then the telephone is a tool, period. Yes, I know lots of people have gotten rid of landlines. If you don’t have one you have no choice to give a man your cell number, but you don’t have to answer it every time he calls. Phones are to be used exclusively for setting up dates. It doesn’t really matter where you go or what you do as long as it’s done in person. (Note: No kicking it at his place, or yours either. That’s far too intimate and dangerous. You’re not his buddy you’re a woman and should be treated as such.) When he calls, limit your conversation to fifteen minutes, tops. You’re a lovely desirable woman, if he wants to spend time with you he has to take you somewhere public. You don’t have time to hang out on the phone with some guy. If he doesn’t ask you out within a few conversations, move on. While you’re wasting time sitting up on the phone with him, you’re missing out on a great guy who actually wants to be with you.
Free Lesson #4
Just Say No to Hooking Up
I’m surprised by how often I get asked this question -- How to stop hooking up with guys outside a relationship. For the purpose of this chapter “hooking-up” is defined as casual sex. (This is the worst oxymoron I’ve ever heard. How can the exchange of bodily fluids ever be called “casual?”) An addendum to this issue is the question of how do you turn a hook-up situation into the relationship. The short answer is, you can’t. Yes, I know there are a few women who’ve managed this, but let me put it this way, it’s as rare as fat-free food that actually tastes good. 
First, let me explain something that many women either don’t know or don’t understand. In the realm of casual sex our biology is working against us. When a woman has an orgasm, her brain releases oxytocin. Essentially oxytocin is a bonding hormone and is the same hormone that is released when a woman nursing her baby. This is one of the reasons casual sex is such a minefield for many women. In all likelihood social conditioning plays a role as well. Most women don’t want to be labeled as promiscuous so we delude ourselves into believing that we loooovvvve our sex partner regardless of our original intention. Remember the human mind is incredibly powerful. It’s capable of pretty much anything, even creating a pregnancy where none exists. So it’s not surprising that we can convince ourselves that we love someone to avoid a slut stigma. Does the notion of attachment through sex apply to all? Of course not, but I’ve heard way too much weeping over this issue to believe that it can be trouble-free. My advice, avoid it like fat-free cheese. 
I worked with a woman for whom sex after a date had become like an automatic reflex. Much like offering a moist towelette after a plate of ribs she would find herself having sex with men she barely knew and have no idea how she got there. This kind of compulsive behavior is indicative of boundary issues, sometimes stemming from sexual abuse. Women who’ve been sexually abused frequently lose a sense of self, of having ownership of their body. They’ve been conditioned to believe that their body exists only for the pleasure of others. But even women who haven’t been abused can sometimes have difficulty saying no. One young woman told me that she didn’t want to be rude. (I doubt even Emily Post would take good manners that far!) Others have said that they felt obliged after a man has paid for an expensive date. Bonus Free Lesson, unless you’re a call girl the only thing the expenditure of money entitles a man to is the pleasure of your (clothed) company. Period. Even a hooker has the right to say no.  
Some time ago the comedian Adam Corolla said something very interesting on the radio show, Loveline. He proposed that someone invent a genitalia boot, much like the automobile boot for those who can’t use their genitals properly. Being that chastity belts are no longer in vogue you have to create your own boot, at least psychologically. Use visualization if you have to. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you know you have no business getting naked, just imagine that boot keeping Miss Kitty on lockdown. I know it’s hard to say no when you’re all hot and bothered. That’s why you avoid getting hot and bothered outside a committed relationship. And when I say committed relationship I’m not talking about the delusions we sometimes create to trap ourselves. I’m talking about a relationship where words have been spoken. If he hasn’t given you the “Bess, You Is My Woman Now,” talk, there is no relationship, no matter what you’ve convinced yourself he means. 
In the early stages of the courtship you simply avoid any situation that could lead to getting horizontal. That is, no sofa sitting. You go on dates, not going to his place to chill. No matter how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise, we all know what that is. Your home is your sanctuary don’t have men hanging out there. If he tries to steer the conversation into a sexual area, you steer it right back into neutral territory or Get Off the Damned Phone! If he brings up the topic of having sex (and he will) make it clear that you don’t feel “safe” having sex outside a monogamous relationship. Either he’ll offer a relationship, or he’ll move on. And remember, don’t have this conversation with him while has an erection; most men will say anything to get the panties. 
Remember to use words like “safe” and “secure”. You want to keep this in the emotional realm, which is a woman’s strong suit. You don’t want to get into a “logic” debate. Many women have been talked into all manner of nonsense by men using so-called logic. That’s not to say that women are illogical, but in this particular area, emotions are a stronger weapon. Men are immensely teachable. If you tell them what you want in a non-confrontational manner they’ll do their best to give it to you. Men want to make us happy, but we have to tell them directly what we want. There is nothing wrong with telling a man that you want a committed relationship if that’s what you want. No point in wasting your time if you’re not on the same page. Simple, direct communication of your wants and needs is the best way to get them met.
Free Lesson #5
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes
This topic keeps coming up both in the real world and online. There seems to be a mindset that waiting for an established relationship before having sex is a bad idea. The argument is that they want to know how the other person is in the sack before committing to that person. In other words, they want to try it before they buy it. While that is definitely a good plan when it comes to buying a car, it’s not so hot as it pertains to human relationships. For one thing, it seems odd to me that people are putting such a premium on good sex. Is good sex important? Most assuredly, but I think the best sex is a side effect of a good relationship. Not the other way around. I suspect that this focus on good sex, especially as it pertains to size of genitalia and technique is more about maintaining intimacy barriers than anything else. It’s odd to think of sex as a barrier to intimacy, but unfortunately many people use it this way. It’s almost like a fetish––something for people to focus on to keep from looking at their partner as a person. 
I also believe that most people have a much easier time getting out of a good relationship with bad sex than the obverse. There’s this phenomenon called getting “caught up”. I used to hear it all the time with my clients, usually after the woman was already pregnant. I would always ask how they intended to co-parent the child and would usually get a reaction like, “I hate him. I don’t want him anywhere near my baby.” Or “That bitch tried to trap me. She won’t let me see my kid.” And before you shake your head at the immaturity of teenagers, some of these people were in their late twenties or early thirties. One of the former couples I counseled were so hostile to one another that they literally had to have security available any time they needed to exchange the child for visitation. There are facilities available these days that are set up by the courts to do nothing but provide support for families dealing with visitation issues. I’ve always thought that was rather sad. I just wonder how you can go from caring about a person enough to exchange bodily fluids to loathing the sight of them in a matter of weeks. Of course, I know the answer. This is a symptom of getting “caught up.” If the nookie is good, it’s a lot harder to turn a bad person loose. This is a primary reason why it’s better to establish the relationship first.
Good sex has a tendency to blind us to the other person’s flaws. That old standard “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes,” has always been and always will be true. Contrary to the old wives’ tale masturbation won’t make you go blind, but good sex most assuredly will. It’s a clear and beautiful warning for those smart enough to pay heed.
Time and time again I’ve had people tell me the best sex they ever had was with someone they knew was bad for them. Crazy sex is always good sex. That element of danger is an aphrodisiac for some people. If you know that you’re all but taking your life in your hands every time you get down with that person it tends to trigger a fight or flee response. Your body doesn’t care what gets your blood racing; it just knows that you’re experiencing excitement. And let’s face it the wrong guy is usually far more exciting than the right guy, if for no other reason than he’s totally unpredictable. He has the dick of death because he knows he doesn’t have anything else to offer. Girlfriend is always down for whatever because she knows nobody would tolerate her batshit crazy behavior otherwise. But with maturity and life experience you’ll come to realize that the best sex, the absolute best sex comes with the person who hits the clit of your soul. The person you know you’re safe with, who you know will take care of you and knows you want to take care of them. 
I saved the most important reason to keep your eyes clear for last. What with modern technology and better living through chemistry, we have a tendency to forget that all this sexing could very well lead to a pregnancy. In fact the more sexing you do the more likely you are to get pregnant. (Can you believe they actually had to conduct a study to come to this conclusion? Oy vey!) Let me say it again: Every time you have sex you could be making a baby. You’re taking a chance on someone being in your life, and your gene pool forever. To my mind it only makes sense to take the time to get to know him as well as possible before you let him see you naked. Sexual incompatibility is something that can usually be resolved if both parties are willing to work on it. Being stuck with a sociopath for a co-parent? Not so much. Who you choose to sleep with is potentially one of the most important decisions of your life, yet many people give it far less thought than they do the purchase of a new car, or even a pair of shoes.
I remember an episode of the television show Frasier where Roz had gotten pregnant through a one-night stand. When she met the guy’s family she was appalled to find that they all had these freakishly large noses. Roz’s guy had fixed his before she met him, so he looked normal. Roz then confessed that she’d had a third nipple removed. They went on and on finding these flaws in each other, with Roz finally screaming in horror that she was going to give birth to a circus freak. 
Obviously this was played for laughs and was indeed very funny, but how will you know, outside an established relationship, if dude has a third nipple, metaphorical or otherwise? Don’t you owe that to yourself? (Not to mention your child?) Yes, I realize that time is no guarantee, but in my experience things seem to play out better if you wait until you know someone’s character. Are there exceptions to the rule? Most assuredly there are. I know people who had sex on the first date and were married within a matter of months, but I think we all agree that they are definite outliers. Most of the time those whirlwinds end in nothing but heartache. You need time to vet a man for your sake, and for that of any potential offspring. When things get hot and heated remind yourself that this guy could be in your life forever, and act accordingly. 
Free Lesson #6
Men Aren’t Stupid
In this culture we tend to swing from one extreme to another. For generations men were seen as wise and all knowing. Now, we seem amazed that they manage to dress themselves and talk in complete sentences. While this paradigm shift is insulting to men it has had a devastating effect on women as well. Especially when it comes to relationships. This idea that men are clueless allows them to get away with all manner of bad behavior that would have been intolerable just a generation or two ago. 
I get this in my inbox all the time so I’ll just lay it out there: Men know that most women want marriage. Women need to know that many men will do everything in their power to get all the benefits of marriage, except without those all important things like commitment. While you’re getting exasperated thinking he’s stupid, he’s running mad game on you. Men understand us on a level that we can never begin to grasp, because it’s from the mindset of a hunter. And a good hunter has an intrinsic understanding of his prey. We make the mistake of thinking that they think like us. Because of their predatory nature they know that not only do they not think like us, they know exactly how we think. They understand a crucial component of the female psyche: For most women hope springs eternal, so if he plays his cards right, he can string you along for years giving up all the goodies in an effort to convince him that you’re good enough to marry. 
Most of us know at least one woman who waited for a man to marry her, sometimes for a decade or more. She played house with him, took care of him, cooked, cleaned, etc. but he never married her. Finally she ends the relationship and he marries the next woman he dates after only six months. I think we all know a woman like this because it reinforces something we already know: Men marry the women they want to marry. And if you’re not that woman nothing you can do will change that. It’s absolutely foolish to play wife for a man who can’t be bothered to actually marry you. 
Bottom line is; if you’ve reached the point in your relationship where it’s time for “The Talk” and it hasn’t happened, or he brushes it off when you raise the subject, move on. Why? Because men who want to get married, get married. It’s not that he’s not into marriage, or he’s still dealing with “issues” from a previous relationship, or whatever other folderol he puts out there. There’s only one reason a man doesn’t get married: HE DOESN’T WANT TO. At least, NOT TO YOU. 
Don’t fool yourself that you can change his mind by being an excellent “wifey” and by giving him all the benefits of marriage, except without the marriage. It won’t work, and why would you want it to? A man who wants you will be rushing YOU to the altar. Why? Because he’s terrified that you’ll get away from him. A man in love is all too aware that he has a pearl beyond price. Further he knows there is a plethora of other predatory males just waiting to snatch her away. You don’t have to beg him or persuade him or coerce him, and for the love of all things butter cream-frosted you certainly don’t have to trick him. The only thing you’ll get for all your trouble is a decimated self-esteem and the knowledge that you wasted your skinny years on a man who didn’t want you in the first place. 
Again, they’re not stupid. They understand perfectly what it is you’re trying to do. And I can assure you: The only person that will get played here is you. Think about it, would you work for your employer and let him decide at some later date whether or not he’ll commit to hiring and paying you? Of course not. The notion is so absurd you’re probably chuckling to yourself as you read this. Like any savvy professional you sit down and work out the parameters of your work relationship well beforehand. Surely you would want to be even more levelheaded about something so crucial as your life partner? Remember, some day you might actually exchange DNA with this guy. He’ll be swimming around in your gene pool and in your life FOREVER. Do you really want someone who is focused only on what he wants? Someone who wants to get the goodies without paying for them? Consider the implications of spending a lifetime with such a person. You would tire of their immature selfishness very quickly. You want a guy who sees you as the fantastical creature that you are. Who can’t believe that he landed someone like you, and can’t wait to announce it to the world. So, don’t humiliate and disgrace yourself by trying to convince someone that you “make the cut.” There’s absolutely nothing more demeaning and you deserve better than that. Leave him so fast he’ll have windburn. 
Stop falling for the okey-doke. You have to be clear and upfront about your wants and needs. And this brings up another issue. Women frequently tell me that they’re afraid to tell a man what they want. They don’t want to be demanding for fear that the man will leave them. Any hesitancy you feel about sharing your needs with a man, should be a clear signal that perhaps he isn’t the one for you. The right man will want to be there to fulfill your needs, and some of your wants as well. If his response is to walk away, or worse, degrade or belittle your needs, don’t hesitate to say, Next! One guy I dated taunted me when I shared my desire for a husband and family. He told me that nobody’s doing that white “picket fence stuff” anymore. Well guess what, I’ve got a fabulous family and he’s the “old dude in the club.” Isn’t that sad? (No, I’m not being facetious here, I really do feel badly for him. He really missed out.) I’m thankful that I had the self-esteem to move on, but I wonder how many women have been frightened into thinking that their very natural desire for a home and security is somehow too much? How many women give in and play house out of fear of being left alone? This is a major mistake. Men love a woman who is well loved; and a key indicator of how well a woman loves herself is her ability to ensure that her needs are met. It’s a basic human instinct and any man worth having will not have a problem with a woman who takes care of herself. Never make a man’s needs a priority over yours. If marriage is important to you, there’s no shame in that. You should love nobody more than you love you. He’ll respect you for it, and more importantly, you will too.
Now I know you’re wondering: So how do you get a man to marry you? See, that’s what’s so fabulous, you don’t. If you vet a man properly from the outset, that is, carefully choosing honorable, marriage-minded men, there’s no scheming or manipulation involved. As always, this is not informed by what a man says, but by what he does. Marriage minded men act like marriage minded men. They don’t rush into sex because they’re mature enough to realize that they need to get to know a woman first. They are upfront and direct about where they’re coming from. They’re looking for a woman who wants to be cherished and have the same basic values and beliefs that they have. The simple answer is; if you want to get married, look for men who want to get married. 

Free Lesson #7
Reasons Don’t Matter
I know this is a shocking statement to make, but bear with me. It may take me a minute, but I’m confident I can convince you of the validity of this one. On a friend’s blog I said I refused to date unwed fathers when I was single. My reasons were more or less the standard ones: drama, money, time, etc... I also stated that in my opinion, family-oriented men make families, not babies. If a man got one woman pregnant and didn’t marry her, and given that I don’t possess a gold-plated vagina, the chances are pretty good that he will do the same to me. (We all know that people tend to repeat past behavior. So, if dude has one baby mama, there’s a significantly higher likelihood that he’ll have no qualms about having two.) 
And, of course, this is where the excuses began. Even guys who acknowledged that they were resistant to dating women with children felt they had to right to castigate me for my position. Of course, they had to point out that dude might have a very good reason for not having married the woman. And why was I assuming that he abandoned her? Okay, assume that she abandoned him. And? The fact still remained that he chose to have unprotected sex with a woman he wouldn’t marry or who wouldn't marry him. Doesn't sound like a family-oriented man to me. 
I got even more blowback when I stated that I preferred to date men who came from intact homes with both a mother and a father. I prefer traditional relationships, and it’s been my experience that men who’ve grown up without a father require far more training than I’m prepared to give. Several women asked why I would penalize a man for not having a father. After all, that wasn’t his fault. Well, it’s not my fault either. My priority is me and what is best for my offspring. Yes, it’s sad and unfortunate that he doesn’t know how to maintain a relationship because he’s never seen one. And I understand that this deficit is caused by not having a father, but what does that change? Bottom line is, he can’t do it, and it’s not my job to teach him how. After several attempts at doing so I’m fairly certain it can’t be done, but even if it could be there are far too many great guys out there who know how to have a relationship for me to waste my time with one who doesn’t. 
See, here’s the thing, people will always have reasons, sometimes even good reasons for why they do things. Slick Willie Sutton said he robbed banks because that was where the money was. Sounds like a perfectly valid reason, but I wouldn’t recommend taking up bank robbery, either. Many women wind up in relationships with sub-standard men because they listen to him reason away past (and present) bad behavior.
A while ago I was talking to a young lady who’d met a guy she was interested in a couple of weeks prior to our conversation. She was concerned because she’d gone by his place and he didn’t have any food and seemed very depressed. (Mistake #1 going to the home of a man she barely knew.) She took this as a cue that she should go to the store, buy groceries and then cook him a meal. (Mistake #2 playing wifey for a dude who’s never so much as bought her a cup of coffee or opened a door for her.) During the meal he explained that he’d lost his job due to depression and that’s why he didn’t have any food. I, of, course told her to run like the wind and don’t look back. Her friends thought she should stand by her man. That left me scratching my head. When did this guy become her man? Your man is someone you have a shared history and preferably a mortgage with. She’d only known this guy for a couple of weeks. You stand by someone you’ve already made an investment in, and more importantly, who has made an investment in you. Sure, he had a perfectly good reason as to why he was all broke down, but my question is, what did that have to do with her? 
Of course she didn’t listen to me and was thrilled when he wanted them to move in together. What man wouldn’t want to move in with a woman who is prepared to take care of him even though he’s made no investment in the relationship? I don’t have to tell you that a few months later she was back wondering why he was still sitting on the sofa playing X-Box while she worked and went to school every day. Really? She’d handed herself to him lock, stock and barrel with absolutely no effort on his part. Why on earth did she think he’d ever do otherwise? Listening to reasons can totally derail you from your best interests. 
The fact of the matter remains the reasons are unimportant. The question you have to ask is what impact does this behavior have on you? It doesn’t matter why old boy has a baby mama who belongs in a psych ward. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has a crazy woman on his six? Fine, he has messed up credit because his mama/cousin/brother/sister forged his name. Are you willing to accept living in a broke down trailer or some bombed out neighborhood because of his abysmal FICO score? Yes, reasons are lovely. Especially when you’re being wooed by someone who looks good and can pitch that woo while he’s explaining all the “reasons.” God forbid you’ve already gotten naked with him. Your down below can be a treacherous bitch. But remember, this is your life, not a dress rehearsal. And trust me, when his headcase of an ex-girlfriend shows up on your doorstep at two in the morning with an ax handle and a jar of denture cream those reasons won’t be there to protect you from the wrath of the crazy. 
Free Lesson #8
Getting Over an Ex
We’ve all been there. The relationship ends and we’re left with heartache and pain trying to get him back. Trying to figure out what went wrong. Crying and eating too much ice cream. The simple fact of the matter is most relationships end for a perfectly good reason and backtracking is usually a bad idea. Having said that you need a blueprint for getting past this. Preferably a blueprint that doesn’t involve crawling into a hole and staying there with Mssrs. Ben and Jerry until you gain fifty pounds. Follow these guidelines and I promise you will be over this guy within two months flat. 
Step 1: END ALL CONTACT. As long as you continue talking to dude, you’re going to remain in love with him. It’s a biological thing, hearing his voice, seeing him, even smelling him is going to drive those love hormones crazy and keep you tied to him. Loss is one of our greatest fears and we’ll do anything to avoid it. We’ll even do self-destructive things like chase men who don’t want us. There’s only one solution: Cut him off. Completely. No phones. No email. No text messaging. No carrier pigeons. No smoke signals. No driving by his place. No running into him “accidentally” at church. No “just checking” his Facebook page or tweeting him to let him know ice cream’s on sale at Kroger. No electronic contact of any kind, no matter what new technology they come up with to ruin women’s lives. Cut him off completely. 
Women are notoriously fickle (Praise be to God!) and it won’t be long before you’ll barely remember what he looks like. No, don’t send him a last call or email to tell him you’re breaking contact. Men are instinctive hunters and that’ll just make start chasing you. See, he’ll give you just enough crumbs to keep you interested. It’s a colossal boost to his ego. He’ll tell you he still loves you, but he’s still “dealing with this other woman,” or you “want to move too fast,” or you “want too much.” Blah, blah, blah. Free bonus lesson ladies; I don’t care how much nonsense a man slings he is absolutely, categorically with the woman he wants to be with and he’ll do whatever is required to be with her. Men are far too self-absorbed to stay in a relationship with someone they don’t want. Dude doesn’t want to be with you. What he wants is to keep you interested. To paraphrase Chris Rock, you’re his back-up pussy. And while you’re all caught up in him there’s no room in your heart for anybody else. Run. Run like the wind, and don’t look back!!!! Otherwise you will turn into a pillar of salt, or at least wish you had. 
Step 2: Now, once you’ve absolutely categorically not had any contact with him for eight weeks, (And trust me, dude will hunt you down like a heat-seeking missile when you follow through on Step 1) start dating again. And when I say dating, I mean casual dating, IN VOLUME. Your weekends (and some weeknights) should be totally full. These should preferably be men you’re not interested in. You’re going to get back in the practice of dating just for the fun of it. No sex (if you indulge). Just lots of fun with as many men as you can muster. This will boost your self-confidence so you’re not tempted to get caught up in some drama just to have somebody to pull cover with. 
During this time it is absolutely crucial that you never leave the house looking other than your absolute best. I know that sometimes when you’re depressed and lonely it’s just easier to throw on a pair of sweats and go, but think about what you’re doing. You’re putting on an outer manifestation of your inner pain. It’s self-defeating and lowers your confidence. Remember, nothing but vultures are attracted to wounded animals. Even worse, it’ll just make you feel bad about yourself. Nope, always dress your best. That is the hallmark of a well-loved woman. Whether there’s a man in your life or not you’ll always love you, and you’ll dress and carry yourself in a manner that shows it. As my mama would always say, “Nothing brings the woman out in you like a good lipstick.” No matter how bad you feel a lipstick or a new outfit is a good and inexpensive way to lift your spirits. 
Step 3: After you’ve dated in volume for roughly six months, then, and only then are you ready to get serious about somebody else. Don’t dare seriously date until you’ve got that man totally out of your heart and mind, and you have the self-confidence to recognize yourself for the magnificent human being that you are. 
Every woman I know who has followed these steps to the letter has gotten over the old guy and moved on to the next guy. One woman I know who’d languished over a man for five years. He kept coming back to hit her up for sex, and she’d let him because she convinced herself she was so in love. That’s not love. Love makes you feel good, like the warm sun on a winter morning. If interacting with someone makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s not love. And what can make you feel worse than some guy using you as a semen depository? In actuality she was just lonely and desperate, and behaved accordingly. When I yanked her out of that mindset of lack and showed her what she was doing, she was able to get that man out of her life (and bed) in short order. It wasn’t easy. He had grown accustomed to having her around anytime he needed to get a piece. He even got angry and called to cuss me out when she blocked his phone. At one point she even had to bunk with me for a few days because he was camped out at her apartment. His behavior made his motives clear, and in less than six months she met the man she’d eventually marry. Five years is a long time to languish in that type of limbo, but I know at least one woman who did it for ten years, only to be abandoned when the man she’d waited for married someone else.  
Remember ladies; men love a woman who is well loved. They won’t love you or respect you unless you love yourself. So your first order of business is to make sure that you are well loved, and don’t you dare ever love a man more than you love yourself. 

Free Lesson #9
Don’t Be “Friends” With A Man
Note, “friends” is in quotes for a reason. I know this is a controversial concept, and I know there are plenty of women who’ve managed to maintain friendships with men over the years. It’s my belief that this is only possible if the interest was platonic on both sides from the very beginning. And it’s very difficult to assess not only your feelings but his as well. Almost every guy I know who has been friends with a woman at the very least harbored a fantasy about getting her naked someday. So at best this is a minefield that must be navigated most cautiously. Even if you do manage to have platonic male friends, I strongly advise against doing so with someone you were once romantically involved with.
This is one of the first lessons I learned back in my salad days. A guy I’d been dating told me he wanted to “just be friends.” I agreed. After all, a girl can never have too many friends. Now why was it not a week later he was all up in the club trying to “take me home?” Uh, I don’t think so bruh. My friends don’t get to see me naked. This issue comes up from time to time, and frankly I thought everyone knew better, but apparently not. See, there’s a segment of the male population (selfish jerks, definitely NOT righteous men) who would like to have uncommitted sex. They realize, however, if they simply tell most women what they want it’s so not going to happen. Instead, they employ euphemisms, like “let’s be friends,” or “friends with benefits.” Benefiting whom? You get to lay up at my house, watch my cable, eat my food, and get the nookie. I can’t even count on you to take me to a dollar movie and exchanging Christmas presents is too “awkward.” After all, we’re not committed. It’s perfectly okay to exchange bodily fluids, but anything in shiny wrapping paper is somehow too intimate. Would you tolerate this from a girlfriend? Of course not. So why put up with it from some dude? Remember, Men Aren’t Stupid. They understand perfectly well that most women want a committed relationship, and while we’re going along with being “friends” we’re really hoping for something more. Since time immemorial men have been trying to eat their cake and have it too. Only a fool puts buttercream frosting on it for them. 
Remember, men know that women are naturally competitive. So, they’ll say, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” Interestingly enough, they always manage to add the tagline, “Right now.” Any woman worth her Cinderella slippers will hear an invitation there to change his mind. We’ll tell ourselves that he just needs to meet a “good woman.” Somehow being a “good woman” always involves uncommitted sex, food, laundry service and even the use of your car and credit card. Don’t fall for the okey-doke. He does not now, and never will want a relationship with you, especially when he sees how easily he can make a fool of you. Remember men are territorial. He’ll always have the thought in the back of his mind that if you’re that easy for him, you were probably just as easy for every other guy. Not a good look. So no, he won’t be interested in marrying you, but he’ll be more than happy to use you as a sperm depository. If you could love a man into loving you back there wouldn’t be so many heartbreak songs out there. It cannot be done. In addition, I don’t care if your name is Sunshine you cannot sex a man into loving you. All you can do is degrade and debase yourself until your self-esteem is so low that you couldn’t attract a decent man if you tried. Don’t go out like that. You don’t have jack to prove to anybody. You’re a fabulous human being and you deserve a man who recognizes that from the jumpstreet. A man who really wants you isn’t interested in playing games. And he certainly won’t be talking any nonsense about “give it some time,” or “women want to move too fast.” He won’t be trying to make you his jump-off with euphemisms about a so-called friendship. He’ll be moving so fast you’ll have whiplash. Trust me on this one. 
Some men will say they want to “take things slow” and “get to know you” and “start out friends.” Hey, nothing wrong with that, in fact I strongly recommend it. Yet somehow they only want to slow down things like commitment and exclusivity. They have no problem with hitting skin as quickly and as often as possible. The exclusivity conversation must occur before any body fluids are exchanged. Remember, your own biology is working against you and Smoke Gets in Your Eyes. Once you’ve gotten horizontal it’s too hard to backtrack. Your emotions and your pride are involved. So you lie to yourself and “assume” you’re monogamous because you’re too embarrassed to ask after the fact. Men count on this. And again they can honestly say, “I never told you we were exclusive.” Save yourself the grief. Keep your clothes on until the terms of your relationship are spelled out. By the way, don’t have this conversation when he has an erection. Actually, I strongly recommend not having any conversation with a man who has an erection. Dude will say all manner of things he doesn’t mean at that point. That’s not how you want your commitment conversation to go. 
My personal favorite is the guy who will break up with you, or say he doesn’t want to have a relationship, and then ask to remain friends. This is probably the stealthiest male move of all. As I’ve said repeatedly, women are fickle and we should daily be praising the saints that we are. Back when my husband and I were dating, we broke up because he wasn’t sure about where he wanted the relationship to go. I was cool with that. Direct honesty is always welcome. Then he asked if we could be friends. My response? Nope. I’ve got plenty of friends. I need a man. I cut off all contact and in very short order he was back. If I hadn’t done that we would probably still be “friends.” 
I’ve told you before, men understand us far better than we understand them. We want to believe they’re like us. They know they’re not like us, and they exploit the fact whenever they’re given the opportunity. They know that if we don’t have regular contact with them, we’re liable to forget their name with a quickness. So, they try to do this “friend” thing to keep us on the shelf while they go out and see if they can upgrade. (Yep, they’re always looking to see if they can do better. Oh, you thought that only applied to cars and electronics? Not so much.) In other words, he’s putting you on ice while he’s checking out his options. Falling in with this one is the worst thing you can do. He keeps you hung up on him, maybe even giving him a little bit from time to time, (Keep hope alive!) while he’s out trying to see if he can upgrade from a PC to a Mac. Better yet, he can honestly say that he “told you I didn’t want a relationship.” All this is a major waste of your time. When it’s over, it’s over. Next! Check the Free Lesson on Getting Over an Ex. Follow those guidelines and I guarantee you’ll be over him in eight weeks. Fall for this “friends” nonsense and you’ll gain fifty pounds and be feeling like hell in a matter of months. I know that loss is agonizingly painful and you’ll do anything to avoid it. Trust me, I’ve been there. The only thing worse than losing a man is wasting your skinny years trying to hold on to one that wasn’t yours in the first place. 
Free Lesson #10
Don’t Take Relationship Advice From Men
I’ve always thought it was odd that so many men write relationship books...for women. Many of these men have been divorced multiple times. Some never bothered to marry in the first place, or worse, cheated on every woman they’ve ever been with. My mama always said that if you want to grow tomatoes, go to someone who has grown tomatoes. With that in mind why would anyone accept relationship advice from someone who has never sustained a healthy one? Further, I’ve always wondered why they don’t direct their “advice” to men, but I think we know the answer to that question: Men don’t buy relationship books. Why? Because men are going to do what they're going to do. They’re not interested in catering their behavior to anyone else. So, then we’re left wondering, why are women so eager to do just that? Why are we so eager to take relationship advice from men?
Several years ago some friends and I compiled a list of relationship advice we would give to other women. As things often do on the internet this advice eventually came back to us. Unattributed, of course, and even worse, someone even claimed that it was “written by a man, so you know it’s good.” What kind of self-hating nonsense is that? I was enraged particularly because my now famous saying was in there: If  a man wants you nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t nothing can make him stay.™ 
When this latest wave of relationship books written by men came out several women recommended them because they love getting relationship advice from men. I suspect that the reason behind this is two-fold: Women have been socialized to distrust their own instincts, and further to distrust other women. This puts us at a decided disadvantage, as we tend to not seek the counsel of other women in dealing with our lives. In the same vein, we hope that men will disclose the inner workings of other men. Nothing could be further from the truth, and here’s why. 
Male loyalty is sketchy at best. Generally speaking they are first loyal to themselves, then to other men, then to the woman they sleep with. If you’re not in one of those categories, in all likelihood, you fall far down in the hierarchy. Further, you have to keep in mind that even if he’s not sleeping with you, most men are at least considering the possibility that you might be a good back up. He wants you available just in case he needs to break the glass someday. (Remember, his first loyalty is to HIMSELF). Men are also territorial. I know we like to forget that we are primates, but the facts are what they are. His advice is going to be quite questionable.
More importantly, there are no deep, inner workings with men. For the most part, men are what they are. Unlike women they’ve been socialized to believe that they’re perfectly okay just the way they are, so what you see is what you get. Their behavior tells you everything you need to know about them, but we don’t want to believe it because it’s not what we want to hear. He doesn’t show up when he says he will? Doesn’t call after a date? He’s not interested. He doesn’t propose after your relationship has reached that critical phase? He doesn’t want to get married. At least not to you. There are no deep hidden secrets as long as you get real and see what’s in front of your face. Further, most male advice involves having the woman acting like a total doormat or idiot. One woman I counseled listened to a male friend who advised that she continue a “casual” sexual relationship with her ex-boyfriend. I hope you know by now why that’s such a bad idea. (Don’t Be “Friends” With an Ex). You also have to be wary of your boyfriend’s friends. When you break up they’ll start circling like great white sharks in a pool of chum. They’ll offer all kinds of “advice” to help you get your guy back, when actuality they’re hoping you’ll break off a little piece for them. In other words you’re vulnerable prey. An easy lay. They are to be avoided just as your ex-boyfriend is to be avoided. 
Besides, trying to figure out “the male viewpoint” is counterproductive. What exactly do you plan to do with this information? It’s like trying to play both hands in a card game -- incredibly time-consuming with few if any gains. What’s in his hand is a whole lot less important to you than what’s in yours. Or at least it should be.  Do you really plan to spend the rest of your life focusing more on what someone else thinks than on what you think? Doesn’t it make more sense to concentrate on what you think? How you feel? What is of greater benefit to you? I suspect that a lot of women spend their time ruminating on what men think in order to avoid focusing on their own thoughts and feelings. That will get you nowhere fast. Before you can get what you want from a man in a relationship, you have to know what you want. You can’t get there by wasting time trying to decipher some non-existent “man code.” Focus on what he does. It will tell you all you need to know.  
And lastly, we have to factor in one more issue. When I mentioned women eagerly queuing up for relationship advice from men to my husband, he was absolutely flabbergasted. As anyone who has ever been in a relationship with a man will tell you, they don’t know jack about relationships. Doesn’t mean that men are stupid (I hope I disabused you of that notion long ago), it’s simply that they don’t spend a lot of time thinking about and ruminating on relationships the way women do. Why? Because men are basically simple creatures: If their needs are being met, they stay. If they’re not, they leave. In my opinion, that’s the best bit of relationship advice I could give anyone.


The Hardest Free Lesson of Them All
I talk about this Free Lesson a lot, mainly because it’s one that took the best of my skinny years to learn:
If a man wants you nothing will keep him away.
If he doesn’t, nothing will make him stay.™
Sounds simple, doesn’t it (Yes, I made this one up, and contrary to popular belief, it means exactly what it says.) I get a lot, and I do mean, A LOT of email asking how can you tell if a guy is into you, or how you can get a guy to stay with you. Simple answer is, a guy who is into you acts like a guy who is into you. He calls when he says he’ll call. He shows up when he says he will. A guy who is into you is amazingly forthright and unambiguous about where he’s coming from. There are no guessing games or wondering what he “meant by that.” You’ll know and so will everyone around you.
Women have repeatedly told me this isn’t true. There are guys who are “just shy,” or “scared of getting hurt,” or...Blah. Blah. Blah. A brief examination of your own life experience will show you otherwise. Think about the guys who’ve been into you over the years, but that you weren’t necessarily feeling. How hard was it to get rid of them? It was almost impossible, wasn’t it? They were on your six no matter what you did. That’s how a guy acts when he wants to be with you. Men have been programmed both sociologically and biologically to go after what they want. If he’s not doing that, he’s not feeling you. Move on. Further, a guy who’s into you will let the whole world know it. My husband is the shyest most introverted man I’ve ever met, but you can best believe that everybody he knew had heard about me. To hear his friends tell it he talked about me incessantly (Still does and we’ve been together for nearly two decades now). On the other hand, a friend of mine dated a guy for a couple of years and he’d made no move toward introducing her to his family. Further, when they finally did meet, none of them knew who she was. That relationship went nowhere fast. 
There is nothing, and I do mean nothing that will make a man stay with you if he doesn’t want to. I’ve said it before, you can have all the best sex tricks, cook like Emeril Lagasse, give him your car, credit card and frequent flyer miles and it won’t change a thing. He’ll take them, but he still won’t stick around. Men are far too self-absorbed to stay with women they don’t want. And the women they do want don’t have to perform tricks like a circus performer to get them to stay. They’ll be there because they want to be. I know it hurts; I have so been there. But remember your skinny years are all too fleeting. It’s far better to face this fact now than wait until you’ve wasted half a decade on something that will never be. 
Here are some of my other books:

Hot for Teacher
Dark Star (Rock Star sequel, cameo from Try a Little Tenderness)

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roslynhardyholcomb.com