MIND CATROL THE CAT IS YOUR MEOWSTER NOW by Darrel D. Miller SMASHWORDS EDITION * * * * * PUBLISHED BY: Darrel D. Miller on Smashwords Mind Catrol: The Cat is Your Meowster Now Copyright 2012 by Darrel D. Miller Smashwords Edition License Notes This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work. * * * * * MIND CATROL THE CAT IS YOUR MEOWSTER NOW *For centuries the jokes about dogs and cats have abounded. How dogs are a companion, and cats are house guests. And not very good ones. In fact they have gotten a bad rap about their negligent behavior towards the folks that take care of them. You know, their human servants. However, no matter how one sided this relationship is humans persist in acting like that boyfriend that figures if he can just do one more thing, he can finally get that girl to notice him, and go out with him. Well that is never going to happen, ever, and I have discovered why cats ignore us, and the answer is simple: we are their slaves. We thought our Dark Overlord, the Great Satan, the one who binds us in chains to do his sinister bidding was a dark, brooding, cloaked individual who wore a helmet, armor, and had breathing problems. But we were wrong, our Dark Overlord is furry, has large eyes, cute paws, and talks to us in Meowrse code. That’s right, cats are our masters. Don’t believe me. I am not surprised because these nefarious little balls of fang and fur have planted a mole right in the heart of humanity: our brains. Oh yes these cunning kitties have purrfected their mind control through the power of evolution. No feat of technology has created this meowsterpiece, it was all the work of biology baby. Perhaps their mind control device is in your brain at this very moment. It is a parasite called Toxoplasmosis, and its real, and it is controlling you. That is right, at this very moment they are in your brain pulling your strings: dance meat puppet, dance for your furry little master. You heard me right, they are in your brain. Some very specific parts of your brain, two parts in fact, the two most important parts: your fear center, and your sex center. Oh yea, scientists know this for sure. In fact they are so sure they say this is likely to be the case. You rarely hear a scientist say likely, most of the time its just probably. They know this because they have seen it in mice. And as everyone knows mice are just like humans, only with big ears, big eyes, four feet, a tail, fur, and 1/100th of their size. In these mice the scientists found this parasite Toxoplasmosis deep in the fear center: Amygdala, and the Sex Center: the Sex Center of their brains. What they hypothesize they do is turn down the fear and turn up the sex. Its like Toxoplasmosis is playing Barry White. So the mice get all horny for cats. What this means practically is that they aren’t as afraid of open spaces, and think cat urine smells good. And this my feline fascinated friend is quite possible for humans as well. Some studies have shown that those who are infected with this insidious parasite exhibit behavior that may indicate they are being controlled. Well, at least manipulated, if not outright controlled. These behaviors are quite dramatic as well as opposite for each sex. In men who are infected they may exhibit an inhibited fashion sense. Which is just a fancy way to say they are slobs. Which means that the infection rate is highest among college males. An infected man may become very wary of others, having an increased suspicion of new or exciting events. So another obviously infected group is Unibombers. Finally it can make the infected male very introverted, ensuring that they spend a lot of time at home, possibly in the basement. Thus making every Dungeons and Dragons player a confirmed carrier. For women the experience of being infected is quite different. For women it becomes all about the outward. The ladies become obsessed with primping, curling, and styling their hair every where. In other words it makes them sluts. An infected woman becomes more interested in how she is perceived socially, ensuring all Junior High girls are infected. Not only are they more image conscious (and we always thought it was because of the glamor magazines, now we know its from a parasite) but more outgoing. They want to be in a group. Thus making every woman who has gone to the restroom with half a dozen other women, highly suspect. Now after realizing all of the above, I have come to understand a few more things. First, I now know why my cat jumps up onto my bed and shoves his ass right into my face. He knows if I can just inhale some of his shit, I will become his blindly obedient slave. Second, the explanation for Crazy Cat People (often the ladies) is very clear. They are probably nothing but sacks of Toxoplasmosis. They don’t just like cats, they love them, and I mean love them. All because of that damn parasite. Third. I finally understand Furries: people who are like/are attracted to anthropomorphized animals. In other words they have the hots for Mickey Mouse. But I think the greatest, most lasting achievement of our Cat Meowsters is the Internet. Oh yes, I know Al Gore thinks he invented it, but it was really his cat, Whammers, who engineered the whole thing. All to propagate the love of Cats. We thought it was for porn, we thought it was for knowledge, but we were wrong, what it really was for is Cat Videos. Now go get your cat some milk. (*editors note: What in the hell is his deal with all the puns, we apologize) * * * * * NOTE TO THE READER: pick up my longest essay to date: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/209207 Read more of my essays here: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/darrelmiller Tell me what you think email me at dm52082@hotmail.com