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Pain Is So Close To Pleasure

By J.A.Strickland

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Kraizone						     Earth
Mortolo						     England
Hotying Joeh					     Tremwell
The School Nodimet Rekolap			     Tremwell Comprehensive
DL24 5567 75436 45633				     DL24 8963

Tel: (03855647) 74757478 85757 8484857	     Tel: (1254) 385729


16th October 2364

Greetings Headmaster Mr.Francis:  

We here on Mortolo welcomed your offspring as we hope you have
welcomed ours.  It has been four weeks since our races first discovered one another, and with this exercise where we take one of your students and you one of our own in an exchange for intergalactic peace, that we hope to learn so much about each other.  
 Your student arrived early last week, he introduced himself to me and I told him my name was Mr.Kolmortis, headmaster of "Hotying Joeh".   The one named Peter took hold of one of my tentacles and shook it saying this was an earth greeting.  I have learnt since that two humans take each others hands and shake them up and down in an old ritual of greeting, this at the time I did not know until Peter had told me of this.  Also may I point out to the human race that this was not my hand, that would be my left tentacle, the one he shook was the tentacle I use for making young ones with a female of my species (still as you humans like to say……no harm done).   
  At this point I decided to give Peter one of our welcome’s, this involves bringing up my left tentacle as hard as possible to beneath the ones chin I wish to greet (I believe in your dialect you have something similar called an upper-cut).  Peter was obviously pleased with this, though I am rather confused at the strange words he used that I did not understand. He told me to "fuck off you big slimy wanker" and then began to throw more greetings at me.  I have checked your Earth dictionaries that your race has provided to mine but cannot find the words "fuck" or "wanker" anywhere in them.  I am sure these are a greeting of some sort, though I know not what and was hoping you could explain in your forthcoming letter to me.  
  I began to throw the greetings back, the pain which Peter inflicted on me was quite pleasant, in fact it was just as us Mortoloin's like it, although we do keep such acts for special occasions (such as having sex), but this was certainly a special occasion.  
 However, after about a couple of minutes in which Peter gave me further greetings not in your dictionaries eg. tosser, bastard from hell, shit pipe etc, etc, and then expressed a longer greeting telling me I was going down like the son of a bitch I was (which again I did not quite understand).   He then suddenly collapsed to the floor, after I greeted him with further pleasantries around the face, and has not moved since.  Also he was emitting a red secretion all over the floor, ruining my nice white carpet with it's horrible red stains. 
 
I continue greeting him every day but he does not seem to want to move. This I do not understand?  Also lately in the last few days he is beginning to smell (is this normal of one of your race).  I have to admit I am confused by the above events, and write to you for an answer to these puzzles.  Please explain the above even if the above description is normal for your race and do not be offended by my ignorance if this turns out to be the case.  
  All that remains to be said is I hope you are finding our student Tobe as interesting to you as yours is to me.

P.S  Other phrases and greetings used by Peter where:-  (dick wipe, arse bandit from another planet, overgrown green tenticled tit, and poor excuse for a sushi dish.  If at all possible please could you explain these?                           

Yours Faithfully                                              

Headmaster Mr. Kolmortis

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THE END