GOD IS GAY GOD IS GAY S. A. DAVID All rights reserved Copyright 2013 Smashwords Edition This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution. No Derivs. 3.0. Unported License. To view a copy of this license, visit: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0 or send a letter to: Creative Commons 171 Second Street, Suite 300 San Francisco, California 94105 Dedication To Fortune Dramatis Personae MRS OGE, widow and Lurdspence’s mother. LURDSPENCE, Mrs. Oge’s only child and son. FATHER AMADI, Roman Catholic priest and Lurdspence’s paternal uncle. Scene 1 A church. In a priest’s office Enter FATHER AMADI and MRS. OGE MRS OGE Father your sermon today created bliss in me My spirit couldn’t help the me in me But bask in the rivers of joy overflowing How a blessing to be reminded of the knowing That the omnipotent knows the number of my head’s hairs Though I carry weavons, my false hairs FATHER AMADI [sits] (Smiles) The Trinity at work Always cracking the cork And proof that the intercession Of the holy Madonna isn’t fiction MRS OGE (Melancholic) The offering box would break forth If Her intercession for my son comes forth FATHER AMADI (Chuckles and beckons) You shouldn’t visit God’s servant And re-live the tiring moments Of the old school days of the routine morning assembly MRS OGE I’d wash a thousand rest rooms without urge To see my son straightened and purged FATHER AMADI (Confused) Purged?! MRS OGE Yes. Purged. Purged of the pollution Of the arch adversary’s orientation [She begins to cry] FATHER AMADI Weeping is proof of defeat Proof that today’s sermon wasn’t a feat Proof that you aren’t fit And proof that no solution would be fit MRS OGE (Babbles) My only son Decides to re-crucify His Son. Ever since he returned from The study house of the Caucasians He’s been worse than Pharoah’s Egyptians FATHER AMADI Gozie is an alcoholic? A philanderer? A terrorist? Which o’ ’em? MRS OGE (Intensifies crying) Oh, he’s been an alcoholic Even before his Cambridge phase Infact he no longer is known by Gozie. The moment he landed on the soil Of our erstwhile colonial subjugators He decided to call himself Lurdspence FATHER AMADI Lurdspence?! MRS OGE Yes FATHER AMADI Is Lurdspence gay? MRS OGE If Gozie was gay On my face would be some gay Knowing that God is always gay And loves a giver who’s always gay FATHER AMADI So what shatters your heart? MRS OGE Gozie has embraced the religion Which requires great faith With adherents outnumbering a legion Which insults our faith FATHER AMADI Is that what he picked from Brit’s Harvard? And then cause you hazard? It wasn’t enough to admire their boulevard? MRS OGE I’m in dire need for a miracle You must come talk to your nephew To climb away from Satan’s pinnacle Because heaven’s chosen are few FATHER AMADI I’d do what it takes to please our holy mother I’d do anything for my late brother Tell him his uncle inquires of his welfare If he stops by my office, it’d be fair MRS OGE And, if he considers it unfair? FATHER AMADI Your duty is to sow the seed Give it water for its feed And let God his deed MRS OGE The Trinity would answer your prayers for a brand n’Camry If you take away my greatest fear and worry [Exits MRS OGE] FATHER AMADI [Soliloquy] A new camry? I mustn’t tarry But act like light To catch the new height But first I must go for lunch Before hunger deals me a lethal punch [Exits] Scene 2 Mrs. Oge’s Apartment. Kitchen Enter LURDSPENCE. He returns his dirty dish to the kitchen, drops it in the dishwasher and sets to return; Enter MRS OGE LURDSPENCE Welcome from the unending dimanche ritual With its groundings on tales not factual MRS OGE Our Creator is longsuffering And I’ll always give my thanks offering What better celebration date? To always enter the holy gate? LURDSPENCE When love dies God dies I caught red handed the delusion Cursed be the gigabyte illusion MRS OGE I thought Cambridge would serve its purpose Of feeding you with the greatest learning rose LURDSPENCE It did serve its purpose Of administering truth’s dose MRS OGE There’s no truth in atheism All there is falsism LURDSPENCE As there’s truth in your faith’s lies With its latent century-long heathen ties MRS OGE (She kneels) Son, tribulation is nearing You must let ajar your faculty of hearing Turn back to him, He’s a merciful sire But remember, He’s also a consuming fire LURDSPENCE (Smiles) Janus! An uncaused Janus who has a mother A prime mover with two dormant triplet brother MRS OGE (Stands) We understand not the Supreme’s origin No tongues can teach, not even a supernatural pidgin LURDSPENCE Perhaps one thing can explain it Why was my father killed of a liver shit? Your BVM couldn’t offer him a new liver And for that, I’d rather trust a black river MRS OGE We cannot question preordination What will be must come to fruition LURDSPENCE Bad enough, his omnipotence wasn’t potent Cruel enough, his omnipresence wasn’t present Indifferent enough, his omnibenevolence was malevolent And angry enough, his omniscience was coated in a brain ignorant MRS OGE (Slaps Lurdspence) I won’t live and watch you Desecrate He who formed you LURDSPENCE Did he also ask you to fight his battles? By leaving on my face rattles? MRS OGE I didn’t mean to hit you Gozie LURDSPENCE I’m Lurdspence! MRS OGE Your late father and I named you Gozie LURDSPENCE I came through you But not from you May I go have a blissful siesta? You’ve had your fill at your dimanche fiesta MRS OGE Your uncle inquires of you It’d be fair if he’s inquired of you LURDSPENCE Tell him I did And that I’m not a kid MRS OGE (Kneels) If you still love me Do it for me See him for me Make your father, wherever he is, happy for me LURDSPENCE For being creepy I’d stop by to see if he’s creepy MRS OGE Thank you LURDSPENCE When you thank one It means you love one [Exits LURDSPENCE] MRS OGE Yes I let God his deed I paid his uncle heed [Exits] Scene 3 Father Amadi’s office. He’s perusing through his diary Enter LURDSPENCE FATHER AMADI Oh speak of the you The Lord be with you LURDSPENCE Good day to you How do you? FATHER AMADI To you the Almighty is been so much good I’m pretty sure you don’t beg for food LURDSPENCE My fight My might FATHER AMADI (Smiles) Calibration Titration LURDSPENCE You’re creepy She’s most creepy FATHER AMADI Your mother prays for you to embrace truth She’s fine example of the faith of Ruth LURDSPENCE She’s Ruth’s foil In a serpent’s coil FATHER AMADI Why have you killed the almighty? In your heart now like feisty? LURDSPENCE When love dies God dies FATHER AMADI If you were birthed in Galileo’s century You’d have smelled the Papa’s fury LURDSPENCE Gratitude fills my heart Democracy is in earth’s heart FATHER AMADI He loves you beyond dearly You must put faith in Him greatly LURDSPENCE Well said! Are you male or maid? FATHER AMADI Male as they come From Deo’s dome LURDSPENCE May I have a feel of your manhood? FATHER AMADI My manhood? Sure not But why your dot? LURDSPENCE I have great faith You’re a maid like my estranged Faith [Exits] FATHER AMADI My Camry? A fairy? No! Blessed Trinity Grant me, with pity! Interlude 1 Five days go by. Lurdspence’s drinking aggravates. On the fifth night, in a famous Warri bar he drinks until he passes out. The bar management helps his unconscious body to the hospital where he is resuscitated and coincidentally diagnosed with hepatic cancer. Scene 4 Father Amadi’s office. Enter FATHER AMADI. He kneels and begins to pray. FATHER AMADI Blessed Lord, You had Pharoah’s heart Take over Lurdspence’s heart So I can get my brand n’Camry And my dream would stop being fairy Enter MRS OGE panting, crying and in distress MRS OGE Tribulation is in my abode I need a supernatural code To unlock this iron gate of cancer His life now a vain dancer FATHER AMADI There’s no logic in confusion No solution in a babbling diction MRS OGE Gozie has few months To hear any mouths FATHER AMADI Today isn’t April one MRS OGE A cancer predict The doctor’s verdict FATHER AMADI We must visit him now For God to make the verdict bow [Exeunt] Scene 5 Hospital. A ward. LURDSPENCE lay in bed and cries. LURDSPENCE So life is a bitch With so many a hitch You come in through a placenta rope The lab men cut it and she goes to dope She feeds with milk until four-legged And then abandons when two-legged The elements plague every anatomy Until all experience a life-ectomy Enter MRS OGE and FATHER AMADI FATHER AMADI We rebuke death Our faith, not in dearth LURDSPENCE I don’t want to expire I still love to perspire FATHER AMADI Hades cannot get you For He formed you MRS OGE Father I implore your office’s power Call down Holy Raphael from His tower FATHER AMADI (Lays hands on LURDSPENCE’s forehead) By the power of Divinity Resident in my Humanity Receive rude health Let the cancer receive the death LURDSPENCE is slain in the spirit. He falls asleep. MRS OGE (Astonished) I marvel at your talent Now I know it’s no latent FATHER AMADI When he awakes from this trance My camry gets a valid chance Lest I forget, Mass is in the next two glasses And my missal needs my glasses [Exits] MRS OGE I must needs see the medic To prepare Gozie’s discharge O God the supernatural medic Idinma, over him you’ve given Arch Raphael charge[Exits] Interlude 2 Lurdspence is miraculously healed and is back on his feet. He continues to doubt his uncle’s prayer is the cause of his healing; and refuses to believe in God. Scene 6 Church. Grotto. MRS OGE is kneeling before the statue of the Virgin Mary. She is muttering prayers and counting her pink rosary beads. MRS OGE Hail Mary, full of grace The Lord is with thee Blessed art thou amongst women And blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus Enter FATHER AMADI from behind. He kneels. FATHER AMADI Holy Mary, mother of God Pray for us sinners Now, and at the hour Of our death. Amen MRS OGE (Astonished) Who told you I was here? And why have you come here? FATHER AMADI Promise is a debt When not nurtured, a bad debt MRS OGE I’m before our mother I need no asunder FATHER AMADI Not while I do God’s work Of cracking hearts of cork I made a promise to our holy mother I gave my word to my late brother MRS OGE It seems all that is in vain Everyday I groan in excruciating pain I intercede for my son’s salvation He says the miracle was nature’s regeneration FATHER AMADI That brings us closer MRS OGE to what? FATHER AMADI Solution MRS OGE Blueprint? FATHER AMADI When love dies God dies MRS OGE Those are Gozie’s wifely words FATHER AMADI Has he ever known a girl? MRS OGE (awestruck) This isn’t the right time To discuss a past time FATHER AMADI Speak now or forever loose Gozie MRS OGE May we talk in your office? FATHER AMADI Let’s do it here in Mary’s office MRS OGE Yes he knew a girl FATHER AMADI What century? MRS OGE Before he left for Cambridge FATHER AMADI He loved her? MRS OGE Dearly. But I loathed her FATHER AMADI Mind your diction We’re in our holy mother’s jurisdiction MRS OGE Faith was a loose ho, I loathe her She was already heavy when Gozie brought her A black sheep to womanhood She deserves no womanhood FATHER AMADI You took Gozie to Cambridge So that between them no bridge Contacts, broken. Is connection token? MRS OGE (sobs) Not token, but large, always I made her stay away She was delivered of twin b- FATHER AMADI Lurdspence was right You’re Ruth’s foil In a serpent’s coil How could you pull such fight? MRS OGE (Still sobbing) I have prayed for forgiveness I have done the penance Can’t it just pass? FATHER AMADI For Lurdspence, God can’t tell lies For God and love have great ties So when love dies God dies MRS OGE Faith was a cheap ho A lowlife and a fortune hunter so- FATHER AMADI Where is Faith? MRS OGE Her whereabout, I won’t tell Her identity I won’t sell FATHER AMADI Then you leave me no option Than preaching you to the congregation MRS OGE You won’t, I’m respectable FATHER AMADI By Sunday, you’d be rejectable MRS OGE That’s defamation FATHER AMADI Where is Faith’s location? MRS OGE This is spiritual blackmail FATHER AMADI To free a soul from the adversary’s jail For the umpteenth, where is Faith? MRS OGE She’s been a beggar At the beggar’s arm Of this sacred church FATHER AMADI You’re kidding me MRS OGE She was an orphan Escaped from the orphanage That was the best I could offer Her and her bastards FATHER AMADI I can’t believe you stooped low To subject your grandchildren to a blow [Exits FATHER AMADI] MRS OGE (Intensifies crying) Hail holy queen, mother of mercy Hail our life, our sweetness and- [Exits] Interlude 3 Father Amadi rushes to the beggar arm of the church situated at the church entrance. He locates and identifies Faith; and rescues her and her twin boys from their life of misery. He takes them to the parish house and cares for them. He arranges a meeting for Mrs. Oge and Lurdspence to meet Faith and her twin boys. At the meeting, Lurdspence is flabbergasted and angry at his mother for going to such length to separate him from his girlfriend and twin sons. After a brief sermon, about forgiveness, from Father Amadi, Lurdspence and Faith forgive Mrs. Oge. Lurdspence proposes to Faith and Father Amadi weds them right in his office. Scene 7 Church. Father Amadi’s office. FATHER AMADI is perusing through his diary Enter MRS OGE MRS OGE Thank you for fulfilling your promise Gozie is now in the book of life FATHER AMADI Yes, God is gay When a rebel comes home MRS OGE Right now, even the angels are gay As they sing the Alleluia say FATHER AMADI How’s your daughter-in-law? MRS OGE Obeying love’s law FATHER AMADI Nice to the ears MRS OGE We’re one happy family FATHER AMADI An extension of the heavenly family MRS OGE (Gives him a key) I fulfil my promise I pay my debt The camry is parked outside No longer in a hide FATHER AMADI (Collects the key) God is gay He loves those giving with gayety Let’s go see my camry Today is gay I’m gay . [Exeunt] END ### About the Author S. A. David is author of five poetry anthologies –Potpourri, An Epistle of 625 Lines, Judgement Day And Other Poems, Death Letters and Satire For My Country. As playwright, he is author of God is Gay and Five Daughters. He is author of an anthology of seven flash fictions, 7 Flash; and an anthology of nine short fictions, After the Bloodbath. His debut novel ‘Wednesday’ is a mystery and detective fiction. Email him at cesuccess_2010@yahoo.com