TSA Employee Training J. Alexander Copyright 2010 J. Alexander All rights reserved Smashwords Edition Special thanks to my family and friends for their support of my writing endeavors. Thank you also to all of my online friends for your advice and feedback. You guys are the best! ~ * ~ TSA security guards must go through extensive training. I wondered what one of those training days would be like. What type of people would pass and what kind of people fail? Here is a peek into a group that probably failed. Enjoy. Adult language and references to intimate body parts. TSA Employee Training is a short story of approximately 2000 words and is intended for adults only. ~ * ~ License Notes eBook editions are licensed for your personal enjoyment only. eBooks may not be re-sold, copied or given away to other people. If you would like to share an eBook edition with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are solely the product of the author’s imagination and/or are used fictitiously, though reference may be made to actual historical events or existing locations. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental. TSA Employee Training “Ok people, I’d like to introduce you to our last guest instructor, Miss Snow,” Larry said in a very flat, rushed voice, “This will wrap up your new employee classroom sessions and next week you’ll start job shadowing. Anyway, your teacher is an expert on this subject and has years and years of experience.” Miss Snow turned to him. “Well, I wouldn’t say years and …” With a slam of the classroom door, he was gone. She shuffled her notes. “Um, ok, well, as your manager said, I’m Miss. Snow. Actually, why don’t you just call me Tanya.” “I knew a Tanya once, briefly,” said a voice from the front row. “Hi, you are…” She sifted through her stack of papers once again looking for the roster. “Parker.” “Nice to meet you.” She smiled and looked out over the small group. “Why don’t I just go down the list here and you can raise your hand when I call your name.” “Hoyt?” “Yes, ma’am, right here.” “Sandy?” “Present.” “Rosa?” “Yes, present, here.” With a big smile, the instructor walked out from behind the desk to hand out papers. “We have a nice small class so you’ll all have the opportunity to ask questions.” Tanya was just about to hand the last packet to Rosa, but threw them at her instead, due to the loud voice behind her. “What the hell?” The instructor turned to the large Texan. Hoyt’s eyes were bulging. “You gave us pictures of titties, a cock, and… what’s this one?” Sandy sighed as she reached over, grabbed his paper, and started sketching. “Oh, dude,” said Parker, “I think I know what this is about. This is like one of those, good touch, bad touch lessons.” “No Parker. Didn’t your manager tell you what my lesson was about?” Miss Snow fidgeted with her collar and straightened her already straight notes. “And what it has to do with airport security?” She was offered four blank stares. “Oh heaven help me.” She looked at her notes once again and tossed them aside. “I am here to talk about one form of body art known as piercing. Piercing has been around for centuries, but in recent years it has grown in popularity. As airport security guards, you will all need to know the possible piercing locations, correct use of your hand held metal detector when conducting a closed door search–” “Cool, closed door searches. Do you think we’ll be doing that next week already?” Parker grinned and bounced a bit in his seat. He eyes roamed over the teacher’s chest. Miss Snow blushed but continued, “I won’t go over the pat down procedure today. Your supervisor will do that. I am merely going to point out locations, show you examples of body modification as art, describe–” Hoyt’s voice boomed once again, “You mean to tell me, the X’s on these pictures are possible earring locations?” He reached out to take the picture Sandy modified and embellished with more detail. “Piercings, Hoyt. I’ll explain it all in a few minutes. We only have a half an hour so I think we need to try and stay on task.” Miss Snow turned to write on the board but ended up throwing her chalk instead. “Je-sus Jenny. You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me!” Hoyt’s eyes were three inches away from the paper his neighbor handed to him. Bulging. Sandy shook her head and rubbed her eyes. “Aren’t you a little old to start a new job, Hoyt? Why are you here anyway?” A small voice in the back row said, “Piercing? I think I’m in wrong class." “Rosa, you’ve been with us all day, of course you’re in the right class. A piercing is a       perforación.” Sandy gave her a sarcastic smile before looking away. “People, people, let’s concentrate–” “Oh, Oh!” Parker said raising his hand high, pogoing off his seat, “I can provide a visual.” He stepped in front of the group, arched forward, and started unbuttoning his jeans. “Do not take your pants off again, Parker!” said Sandy in a disgusted voice, “I think we’ve all seen enough of your special friend.” He sat back down with a dejected flop, not bothering to refasten the buttons he let loose. Tanya waved her arms at the class. “Please, I have a lot to cover and we’ve wasted a lot of time already–” Sandy flipped through the papers looking for something. “What is your training in all this anyway? What makes you an expert?” “I’m a certified tattoo artist and body art technician.” Tanya tried to appear confident, but the memory of her sporadic temp jobs over the last three months wasn’t helping much. She made a mental note to call the agency and tell them it was a mistake to send a new grad on these types of job. “I also can attest to my knowledge of OSHA’s Universal Precautions Training Manual which talks extensively about blood and body fluids… Hoyt, what’s the matter?” Hoyt poked his paper hard with a meaty finger. “You mean to tell me that people actually do this on purpose! Don’t they know the unfixable damage this could do? Fu-Kin-A.” A quiet voice said, "Perforación? Oh no." “OK! If you would all turn to the top page with the drawing of a breast. Now, keep in mind that this could be male or female.” Tanya tried to speak above the chatter in the room. Parker shot his arm up high and waved his hand in the air. “Can I draw a nipple on the board? I’m really awesome at it. I’ll make it nice and big so you can point out all the angles and shit, I mean, and stuff. Sorry.” Without waiting for an answer, he bolted out of his seat and was soon drawing on the board. Unfortunately for Miss Snow and the rest of the class, Parker still hadn’t refastened his pants. As he drew, his jeans slipped lower and lower, revealing some less than clean underwear. Hoyt was holding the papers, one at a time, up to the lights. He appeared to be looking for a secret watermark. With a disgusted huff he dropped the papers down. “Jesus H. Christ, Parker, haven’t you heard of a wash machine?” The instructor continued, ignoring them all, “There are different types of jewelry, metal, or plastics that can be used in body piercing. As you are using the scanners and hand wands, it will be good to know what to expect.” Tanya turned to the blackboard and gave a small gasp. Beaming with pride, Parker said, “Sweet huh?” “I have a question, Tanya.” Sandy was ignoring the other students. “Do we ask people to remove them or just, um, look at it, or what?” Rosa raised her hand meekly. “If they take them out will they bleed?” Hoyt flailed his arms and nearly took out Sandy. “Oh shit, now we’re back to the haz-mat lesson. I do NOT want to go there again! There are more fuckin’ looney tunes out there, carrying perv-phenelia, than I care to know about. Thank you very much!” Beads of sweat appeared on Miss Snow’s upper lip. “Hoyt, settle down.” “I’ll be the designated biohazard collector. It would be kick ass to wear one of those suits.” “Parker, no. Hoyt, there will be no blood.” “No entiendo. What does it mean ‘perv-phenelia?” “Oh, oh. I remember this one guy,” Parker was pogoing again, “who went to get one of his nuggets pierced, and the chick doing it, like slipped, and–” “Parker!” four sets of eyes glared at him. “People, people, please, we’re way off track here. Let’s look at the sheet with the breast diagram.” Parker slumped and pouted. “Boy howdy, I can tell you, it’ll be a cold day in fuckin’ hell that I inspect some guy’s nuggets.” Turning to his neighbor, Hoyt continued, “Sandy, will you inspect the nuggets if I come up with a signal? Say you and I are working a shift together and we need to check some balls, I’ll just, um, tap my lips. No, no, then people will think I’m asking you to kiss the balls. Ok, think, think…” Rosa appeared to be talking to an invisible person next to her. “Restaurant. I could work at one of the airport restaurants.” Tanya plunked down into a chair and fanned herself. Parker read aloud slowly. “Fourchette, triangle, dydoe, guiche, ah, Miss Snow, is there going to be a test on this terminology page? ‘Cuz if there is I’m going to need a few extra days to study. When I was in high school, they discovered I have trouble concentrating–” Sandy snorted. “Big shock there.” The big Texan stodd up and paced the room. “Can’t we just put a big fuckin’ note in the envelope with everyone’s ticket saying, Take off your god damn body earrings before coming to the airport!” Sandy glared at him. “No one has paper tickets anymore; it’s all electronic. Geez, get off the farm once and a while.” “Dude, you can’t force people to take their jewelry out of their shit, it’s like, part of the first amendment.” Yet again, in a timid voice, Rosa said, “It could be a suggestion.” “Oh, yeah, dude! We could do like a NetFlix pop up.” Parker flashed his hands in the air. ‘Take out your shit… if you want to.” “I’d like us to look at the drawing of the penis–” Tanya was talking directly to her desk. “Miss Snow, it’s five o’clock.” Hoyt tossed his sheets on the teacher’s desk. “You can keep these. My wife would fuckin’ kill me if I brought them in the house!” He switched gears and turned on the southern charm. “Nice meeting you, ma’am. You take care now.” “Oh, oh, give me the one Sandy drew on.” Parker grabbed the desired handout. “Oh, yeah, that’s nice. Well, see ya! I have a date!” With a quick wink to Miss Snow, he was gone. Rose backed out of the room while saying, “Goodbye Miss Snow. Good luck with your perv-phenelia classes.” “Well Tanya that was a great class. Thanks to you, I’m now the designated nugget inspector for this team.” Sandy gave her a half hearted sailor salute on her way out the door. Miss Snow held the bridge of her nose with one hand, while fanning herself with the other. Just as before, she jolted visibly when Larry burst into the room. “Well, how did it go? Did they past the post test?” Tanya blinked at him a couple times. He continued, “Because they have to pass the post test to move off this subject.” Tanya replied in an overly perky voice, “Oh, yes, that test. They all did so well I let them take the sheets home. Even Parker got a 100%.” “Perfect, I knew you could do it,” said Larry as he whacked her on the back. Turning to leave he said, “I’ve been in contact with a principal at a local high school who would love to have you come by. They recently installed metal detectors and her teachers really need this information.” “Um, sure.” Larry made his way back through the door. His voice became softer as he walked further down the hall. “I’ll have Sr. Mary Margaret give you a call. The nuns are gunna love you.” -The end- Thank you for taking the time to read my short story. I hope you enjoyed it. ** It would be so kind of you to leave a review of this story. Did you laugh, chuckle, or groan in pain? I’d love to hear your thoughts. ** Check out my other titles. They can be found on Smashwords, Amazon, B&N, Kobo, etc… Geek Love: Erotic Short Stories Funny, Sexy Shorts Becoming Dinner With Wings ~ She Flew (Coming early 2011) Thanks! ~ J. Alexander