Speak if You May.
By Nora Jaber
Copyright 2012 Nora Jaber.
Smashwords Edition

“Mommy, don’t go” I thought over and over while my mother hurriedly gathered her belongings into her purse. Once she was done she walked towards me. 
“Darling mommy has to go to work now okay? It’s all for you, so that we can pay for your treatment and get you out of here as quick as we can, love. I’ll be back in the morning.” She leaned down and kissed my forehead. Tears automatically glazed my eyes. I wished she could hear me, but I knew that no treatment would make ever that possible. 
“Don’t cry love, it’ll be over soon” she reluctantly said as she started to leave for the door; we both knew how untrue those words were though. She turned to look at the nurse who stood in the corner arranging my medications. 
“Mary, take good care of her and don’t give her too much of that, it keeps her too alert. She needs her sleep.”  Mary nodded at my mom then left the room. 
“Don’t worry, love. You’re in good hands” my mother said before leaving.
*****
Within seconds my body was already shaking. I pulled my blanket all the way up to my nose so that only my eyes were visible. I wanted to close them and dose off, but sleep wasn’t an option here; not when my mother was gone.  My gaze kept going back to the door, I prayed that it would stay shut but I knew I was hoping for too much. Time felt like it wasn’t passing and I felt more alone than ever. There was no clock on the wall and I didn’t have a watch; I had no way of telling what time it was. Only a few minutes must have gone by but it felt like I’d been alone for hours. I lay there waiting, just waiting for the night to unleash injustice on me in its most twisted form. I heard a sound coming from my right, and turned my head to see the door knob being turned. Instinctively I pulled my cover around me even tighter and lay as still as a corpse. I could feel my heart pounding so fiercely through my chest; my breath quickened until it felt like breathing was something I had to put effort into. Without looking I knew who walked in. Mary’s footsteps had become so familiar by then; besides, no one else had access to my room at this time except for my doctor who never even came in after seven. 
*****
“How are you feeling?” Mary asked, feigning sincerity.
 I turned over so that my back was now facing her, then I quickly turned back towards her. Although I knew that she would have her way with me whether or not I looked her way, I still chose to watch it happen and resist it while I could. 
“Your mother told me not to give you these meds; she says they keep you awake.” She said with a smirk. “That’s not what really keeps you awake though, is it?” Laughing, she spilled two pills into her hand, “Here, take them.” 
I kept my mouth firmly shut and turned my face away from her. Tears were already spilling down my cheeks, as they did every night. 
“Fine, suit yourself” she said, dropping the pills onto the floor. 
She sat at the edge of my bed and I quickly pulled my knees up to chest, I didn’t want her touching any part of me. 
“I wish I had a little girl like you” she started, “a little girl who would sleep beside me every night.” She slowly moved her hands up to my feet. 
I was trembling. She said the same things every night; she did the exact same things. But every night it felt like it were happening for the first time, it wasn’t like people described it in books; I never felt like I were looking at myself from outside my body or like I was becoming detached from it. On the contrary, I felt more aware of myself than I did at any other time. 
“I’m sure you wish you could tell your mommy about this, don’t you? You think you would if you could, but I know you better than that. You’re weak, you’d never tell.” 
I wondered if she was right, it was another question I’d never get an answer to. She tugged at my blanket signalling me to push it off, but instead I held it tighter. I had to resist. My mind was already swarming with thoughts of what the night promised, with images from all the previous nights. I wanted to block the thoughts out, to stop thinking completely. I wish I had been cursed with memory loss instead of being a mute. She took an impatient deep breath and flung the blanket off of me. I quickly wrapped my arms over my chest and pressed my legs together tightly. I would make this as hard as I could for her. She slowly inched up the bed toward my head. I felt my body stiffen more and more with every move she made. She smiled down at me so serenely that a minute part of me actually pitied her; despite her grotesque way of showing it, I knew she did it all because of a lack of love she longed to feel. Those thoughts left me as fast as they came though, and I went right back to my state of despise, disgust and fear of her. She caressed my face with her hands and traced her fingers along my jaw line, over to my lips. I started to turn my face away but her grip tightened around my chin, holding it firmly. 
“I’d love you if you were my little girl” she whispered. “Don’t move, you know I can keep you still if you do”, and I knew very well how true that was. The first time Mary touched me and I attempted to fight, she gave me an injection that left me paralyzed for a good two hours. I wasn’t going to let her put me through that again, so I obeyed her. 
She slowly moved her way down to my neck, I pleaded her to stop with my eyes but she was too transfixed on my body to notice. I didn’t understand what pleasure she got from this; all it did was degrade me. Her fingers traced the rim of my collar now, her usual slight smile was plastered on her face and her eyes danced with interest. When she lowered her touch to my chest I opened my mouth to yell, knowing very well that no sound would come out. She saw my attempt and smirked again. 
“It amazes me how persistent you are; over a week later and you still hope for a miracle. Relax, you know I don’t want to hurt you” she mumbled. 
I shook my head so fiercely as if denying this tormenting reality that I faced every night. She ignored my distress and pulled my shirt up high enough to expose my breasts. I silently cried as she marvelled at the sight of me. She circled her fingers around my nipples and watched them grow harder; my body responded to her in ways my mind could never; and she took complete advantage of that. She teased me about it, tried to convince me I wanted this but that I was in denial. She was convinced that I was too ashamed to admit that I enjoyed her sadistic ways.
 Once she’d had her way with my upper half, she slid her hands down in between my thighs where I was already moist. I held my legs together even tighter before she threatened to spread them apart herself.  She grazed her nails all the way down to my knees and back up; before I knew it she was already exploring my insides, and my body reacted to her in ways that, for a split second, made me question whether or not she was right about me being in denial. I automatically felt disgusted at myself for ever considering that and attempted again to scream. 
The night went on and I lost any motivation I had to resist her, to fight. I knew they would all be futile attempts, and that no matter what I did she’d have me in the end. I don’t know how much time passed by before it ended, but once it did I spent the rest of the night doing what I did best; waiting. I waited for the sun to rise and bring my mother back to me. I prayed while I waited that she’d accept the fact that there was no cure to whatever illness I had, and that she’d just take me back home, away from this place; away from Mary. 
*****
Eventually my wait was over. My mother walked in holding a bar of chocolate, she waved at Mary then made her way towards me and sat beside my bed. 
“Sleep well, love?” she asked. 
I wanted more than anything to speak and tell her the truth. Mary’s eyes pierced through me, making it impossible not to look back at her. It was all I needed to see to lose any hope of letting my mother know anything. I nodded and reached my hand out to her which she held up to her lips and kissed.
 “It’ll be over soon” she reassuringly said before I closed my tear-filled eyes and fell into another uneasy sleep.