Monster Pirate Cheese Boy

By

Suzanna Stanbury

SMASHWORDS EDITION

*****

PUBLISHED BY 
Suzanna Stanbury on Smashwords

Monster Pirate Cheese Boy
Copyright © 2011 Suzanna Stanbury

Smashwords Edition
License Notes

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Chapter One
Fromagium

For as long as he could remember, when Alfie Rains looked out of his bedroom window, more often than not he would see his neighbour, Professor Fleming walk to the end of his garden and disappear. Alfie was very curious to discover where Professor Fleming was going and today was the perfect opportunity to find out.
“Alfie!” called his mother. “It’s time to go next door to Trixie’s birthday party. Are you ready yet?”
Alfie raced out of his bedroom, pounding down the stairs to the front door.
“Come on hurry up,” he yelled over his shoulder at his mother. 
Trixie Tracy Buttercup Fleming was eight years old that day and the garden was full with leaping, shrieking children. As soon as he could give his mother the slip Alfie dodged away from the other children, running like the wind to the end of the garden. 
He stalked slowly along the line of tall trees seeking a way inside them. They were planted closely together, dark green leaves knitted tightly into a barrier all the way to the far fence. A blackbird flew out of the trees quite close to his face making Alfie jump back in surprise.
“Blimey,” he said. Alfie wriggled between the trees at the place where the bird had emerged. He struggled through a mass of poking branches, fighting them away with his arms. To his surprise he found he could go no further and his nose was pressed up against a window.
“Hmm, mysterious,” muttered Alfie. The glass on the window was far too dirty for him to see what was inside so he edged along to the door. He rattled the handle and pulled it really hard, but the door was locked. Just to make extra sure it was locked and not just stuck Alfie gave it a swift, but powerful kick. The door quivered under his boot and a key fell from above, landing with a plinking sound at his feet. Alfie grinned and unlocked the door. He gave the door a push, it creaked open to bomp against the wall. He poked a foot inside to check for traps, but nothing happened so in he stepped. It wasn’t as dark as he’d expected it to be due to the glass panels set into the roof.
“Solar schmolar,” he said nodding knowledgably.  All along one wall of the shed was a bench with a row of brass-handled drawers set into the base. 
“Wow,” said Alfie when his eyes fell onto the clutter of boxes, jars and bottles stacked high all over the surface of the bench. On every single jar and bottle, plus some of the boxes, were neatly written labels. Some of the words were long and complicated and there were lots of numbers too. He peered into a jar which seemed to be full of moss. He picked up and shook a bottle filled with bright green liquid, he popped the cork and sniffed at the contents.
“Pooh!” said Alfie, hastily stuffing the cork back into the bottle. He decided to have a look inside one of the drawers and pulled a handle. It was very stiff and he wondered if it was locked like the workshop door had been – but he couldn’t see a keyhole. Alfie planted his feet firmly on the floor and gave the handle a really hard tug; the drawer flew out, strewing papers everywhere. 
“Stinkers!” said Alfie dropping to his hands and knees and scooping the papers into the drawer. All the time he was putting the things back he kept looking behind him to check Trixie’s father hadn’t appeared in the doorway. 
Professor Fleming was a large bearded fellow with a deep voice. He had jet black spiky eyebrows which met in the middle over his deep-set eyes making him look as if he were permanently cross. Alfie shuddered. He was absolutely sure Professor Fleming wouldn’t be at all amused if he knew someone, particularly Alfie, had been poking about in his secret workshop. When the papers were all in place, he picked up the drawer and was trying to slot it into the workbench when he noticed something was hidden in the space at the back of the drawer hole. 
“Hello,” said Alfie. “What’s this?” Reaching in he pulled out a dusty red tin box and poking his fingers under the lip of the tin he prised it open. Inside were two bars wrapped in brown paper. Both had labels which said: 
Fromagium.
 “Yum – chocolate,” said Alfie pulling the paper apart on one of the bars for a closer look. He snapped off two of the chunky squares, popped them into his mouth and began chewing. 
“Funny tasting chocolate,” he muttered through his mouthful, “Nice though.” He carried on chomping and in a surprisingly short while Alfie had eaten both the bars in the red tin box. “Ah well,” he said crumpling up the papers and stuffing them into the pocket of his shorts. “Shouldn’t waste chocolate.”
He yawned and stretched, then spotted the comfy chair at the end of the workshop. It was covered in soft squashy cushions and was very inviting. He yawned again, punched the cushions into Alfie shape, climbed on and fell fast asleep. He had the strangest of dreams, he was being stretched and thrown about, colours whirled around him and all his insides were churning and popping.
“Cripes!” said Alfie jumping awake a little while later. Racing out of the workshop, he stopped just in time and remembered to shut the door behind him. He locked it, throwing the key up to the lintel and on the third throw it stayed put.
“Wow a hidden entrance,” he exclaimed when he turned around. For there was a gap in the line of trees and it was easy to see from the other side of the barrier. He raced through the entrance at top speed bursting onto the grass at the end of the garden in a flurry of small, green broken fronds. When he turned around there was no sign of any way in and for a moment he wondered if he had imagined it all – but the taste in his mouth from the strange chocolate confirmed that it had really happened. 
Alfie ran as fast as he could towards the house, hoping desperately that everyone hadn’t gone home or he would be in lots of trouble. But it was all right, he couldn’t have been asleep for more than a few minutes for when he reached the patio the party was still full of children and the food on the table remained untouched.
“Lunch is ready,” called Trixie’s mother, “don’t run!” she added stepping quickly to one side when the children pounded towards her to see what was on offer.
Alfie mooched along the table. There were many things on display he knew he wouldn’t like - worst of all being the leafy celery sprouting out of a tall glass.
“EURGH!” he said scrunching up his face. All of a sudden his eyes gleamed with greed and he headed like a heat seeking missile for the large platter of sausage rolls placed in the centre of the table. He was sure they would get rid of the taste of the strange chocolate so he started cramming them into his mouth until 25 had disappeared down his throat. 
 “Yum,” said Alfie rubbing his now, very full stomach and brushing pastry crumbs away from his mouth.
“OOH, cheesy rolls, my very favourite,” said Trixie, her red curls bouncing prettily as she grabbed one of the few rolls Alfie had left on the platter. Alfie looked at the little pastry rolls suspiciously.
“URGH!” wailed Alfie. “I HATE cheese!”
Suddenly he began to feel rather odd. He had become very warm and his cheeks were burning like a well-stoked fire.
“Phew,” puffed Alfie. “I am hot!” Right then his stomach made a burbling noise and before he could stop it, out of his mouth came an enormously loud cheesy burp. It exploded from deep inside him, echoing all around the table. The children stopped what they were doing and stared at him in amazement. Alfie clapped both hands over his mouth and looked very surprised. There was another dreadful rumble from his stomach, an even louder popping sound - and Alfie Rains disappeared!
Now, you may wonder why everyone at the party didn’t scream and shout and run about when he vanished into thin air. Well, the reason for this is because his body flopped back onto the ground, looking exactly like he had slumped into a big cheese induced faint. But Alfie Rains wasn’t in there any more, for he’d popped off somewhere else.
*
When he opened his eyes Alfie didn’t know where on earth he was, but he knew that he was very, very wet. He groaned and licked his lips, they tasted salty like the sea. Cautiously he moved his head and saw towering masts and the sloping deck of a great big ship. Enormous waves were crashing against the hull, some of them rose up and slapped water over the side and all over him. 
Alfie sat up - something didn’t feel quite right to him. He looked down and noticed his legs were much longer than usual and they were clad in stripy socks and knee breeches. His feet were sticking upwards like huge canoes in big, black buckled shoes. He banged the shoes together loudly, jumped to his feet, rose past his usual height and – kept on going up!
“Wow,” said Alfie, looking down at his brand new body. “I’m blimmin’ ENORMOUS!” He was very impressed and felt compelled to do a little dance to dry off. His big feet thumped on the deck of the ship, splashing in the water left behind by the waves. 
Alfie liked the look of his new jacket, it had lots of gold braid sewn down the front and great big lacy cuffs draping over his shovel sized hands. He looked at his hands in wonder - his fingers looked like big pink sausages. He gave them a wiggle, grinning happily as he made them into fists the size of hams. 
His face felt odd too – kind of prickly. He patted his cheeks and squeaked when he felt how hairy they had become. Realising he must have sprouted a bushy beard like his Uncle Bob’s, he tweaked it and patted it to find out how large it was. It was quite wide and when he went cross-eyed he could see that it was jet black. The point of the beard was plaited and ended in a small, neat red bow.
“Fancy schmancy,” said Alfie, giving the bow a flick. The movement made something on his head jerk and reaching up he discovered a hat – which, of course, he quickly whipped off for a better look. It was a large, black pirate’s hat with a twisted brim, a long curling red feather and some gold braid to match his jacket - it really was a very splendid hat indeed. Alfie crammed the hat back on his head and stamped his feet again.
“HAR-DE-HAR!” he crowed in delight. “I’m a real live pirate!” When his voice came out, it was extremely deep and boomed all around the ship.
“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’M SO LOUD!” 
A shout followed his joyous whooping and then a shriek was heard as men began to emerge from below deck. Alfie’s roar of delight had brought out the ship’s crew to find out what was happening. They froze in their tracks when they caught first sight of him. Alfie grinned. It was fun seeing all the little sailors quivering with fear when they spotted him. Taking a step forward he gave a sudden leap then stamped his mighty feet on the deck. All the sailors jumped with fright and took a few steps backwards. Alfie’s grin grew wider and he took a few more steps forward, pounding down heavily each time. 
“GRRRRRR!” He shouted leaning over and baring his teeth. All the sailors turned tail and fled. Alfie chased them all over the ship, dipping and swooping and trying his hardest to grab a stripy sweater but failing each time as he hadn’t quite got used to the size of his shovel-sized hands.  A couple of the sailors jumped overboard and swam away, some dived into barrels, some hid in coils of rope – the rest shimmied up the rigging and hugged the masts far above his head. 
“HAH!” said Alfie “I’m big and I’m very strong!” He clapped his palms together, making a noise like a thunder-clap and then he waved his hands in glee, jumping up trying to catch a sailor who was dangling from a rope and slipping downwards. 
“Whee!” said Alfie sending the sailor flying over the side to follow his crewmates swimming around the ship. Alfie turned and noticed the Captain trying to crawl behind a crate. The Captain was pushing a wooden chest in front of him. 
Alfie sniffed the air. There was a very odd smell that he didn’t recognise. A sudden urge raced through him while his mind filled up with thoughts of gold and gems and all kinds of precious treasures. He gave a gasp and his eyes sparkled greedily.
“OY, CAPTAIN!” he bellowed. “Stop where you are!” the Captain promptly toppled over sideways in surprise, vanishing from sight behind the crate. Alfie took a few big strides, lifted the crate and discovered the quivering Captain, hugging his treasure chest tightly to his jacket. 
“Give me that,” ordered Alfie plucking the chest from the Captain’s grasp. He gave it a shake and the contents of the chest gave a satisfying rattle in response. 
Alfie purred like a tiger. “Mmm, gold,” he murmured. “And sparkling treasure too I’ll be bound!”  To his frustration he found the chest was fastened with a shiny silver padlock. He placed the chest on the deck of the ship, took a few steps backwards then aimed his foot giving the lock a mighty kick. The lock flew off and landed in a coil of rope.
“Ouch!” said a voice from inside the coil of rope.
 Very slowly Alfie lifted the lid of the chest, flipped it open, then murmured in delight as the sun emerged from behind the grey clouds shining down on the heap of gold and jewels piled to the brim of the chest. When Alfie bent over he could feel the warm yellow glow of the treasure bathing his face in sumptuous light.
“Ahh, lovely gold!” sighed Alfie in a rapturous tone. Plunging his hands deep down inside he rummaged about and sniffed again, filling his nostrils with the scent of gold. He brought out two big handfuls of doubloons, revelling in the delightful feeling of running the coins though his fingers then letting them trickle back into the chest. It was a marvellous sound, jingling and tinkling – the music of money. He scooped up another big handful and stood up to make a pretend waterfall with the tumbling coins. It was just then that Alfie noticed the Captain trying to creep away, tip-toeing along the side of the ship.
“Walk the plank, Captain!” shouted Alfie. He raised a foot, stomping it down so hard upon the deck that a plank spring loose with a loud twang, catapulting the Captain up into the air. Over and over he somersaulted before flipping right across the side of the ship and landing on a canon poking out of the side.
“Ouch,” squeaked the Captain when he landed astride it.
“HAR-DE-HAR!” shouted Alfie who was having more fun than he had ever experienced in his entire life. 
He stuck his hand into the treasure chest, pulled out a diamond tiara from the pile of glittering gems and poked it onto the brim of his hat. Then he selected the biggest and sparkliest rings he could find and stacked them up his chubby fingers. Finally he heaped great handfuls of doubloons into his pockets and jumped up and down to make them clatter and rattle. 
At last Alfie stood still in the middle of the deck, put his hands on his waist and sighed with happiness.
 “Tra-la-la-la–lee. It’s a pirate’s life for me!” he sang happily. But, then quite unexpectedly, Alfie felt very hot, awfully dizzy and in a misty haze he vanished just as the Captain climbed back over the side of the ship. 
*
Alfie opened his eyes to view a sea of faces peering down at him. He sat up and looked around him for the ship, but it had gone and so had all his gold and jewels. There were just lots and lots of children and quite a few puzzled parents gawping at him. 
“Oh, Alfie!” cried his mother, hugging him tightly. “Thank goodness you’re okay!” She planted lots of wet kisses on his reluctant head, making him wriggle like crazy, trying hard to escape. Alfie stood up and glared furiously at the group of people who were all gazing wide eyed at him. 
He announced in his loudest voice “I hate cheese!” 
Chapter Two
Buried Treasure

It was a miserable, wet Saturday morning and Alfie Rains was bored, in fact he was so bored he was playing a game with the fridge trying to catch the light before it switched on. Faster and faster he opened and closed the door, but the light was always far too quick for him. 
His eye fell upon a large, yellow block of cheese sitting on a plate right at the back of the fridge. The block was full of holes, two of them looked like eyes staring back at him. Alfie glowered at the cheese, poking his tongue out at it. 
“Yah! Cheesy schmesy!” He jumped with surprise as a sudden vision of a ship flashed into his mind. Then he saw a chest full of sparkling treasure, some fleeing sailors came next. He closed his eyes to improve the vision and a broad smile spread across his face as he remembered his adventure in Pirate World. 
Alfie’s smile became wider by the minute when the day of terrible Trixie’s birthday party popped into his head. But how, he wondered, had he turned into a pirate? Alfie opened his eyes and frowned. Could it have been all the cheese rolls he ate? He reached into the fridge and pulled the plate of cheese towards him, picking up the block he sniffed it, crinkling his nose at the strong smell. But thoughts of his wonderful pirate clothes and the excitement of running around frightening sailors were too much for him. 
Alfie took a large bite from the block of cheese. Nothing happened, so he took another bite – then another. Chewing quickly, he wondered how long it would take and how much cheese he would need to eat before he transformed into a pirate. It occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, nothing would happen and he would never be able to visit Pirate World again. Alfie felt very sad and took another large bite of cheese while thinking about how much fun it had been to be a pirate. 
Alfie realised he was feeling very warm, his cheeks were burning fiercely and felt as if they were about to burst into flames. He pulled at the neck of his sweater to let in some of the cool air from the open fridge door. But, if anything, he felt even hotter! Now his stomach began rumbling and grumbling and up his throat rushed the most enormous burp. 
‘WHOOORPPP!’ The burp was followed by a loud popping sound and Alfie flopped onto the kitchen floor in a tangle of legs, arms and cheese.
*
When Alfie opened his eyes the first thing he did was to check his feet and when he saw he saw the black buckled shoes and long stripy socks his heart filled with joy. He leapt to his feet and gave a whoop, threw his hat high into the air and capered about.
“Hurrah! I’m a pirate again!” he cried happily, skipping round in circles. Then Alfie noticed where he was. He was standing on a beach full of shimmering white sands. They stretched far to the side and behind him then rolled down to a glorious, bluey-green sea neatly capped with frilly white waves. At either side of the beach soared jagged cliffs, sticking up in the air like witches fingers, the sunward side casting long, spiky shadows on the sand. 
Alfie ran down to the waters edge, but there were no ships in sight, just one battered rowing boat tied to a rock. He climbed over the rocks for a closer look at it.
“What a rubbish boat!” he said giving it a kick. He climbed over a few more rocks then stopped. “Hey - this isn’t just a beach!” he exclaimed. “It’s a blinkin’ island! and there’s a cave too!” He bounded over the rocks, landing with a resounding thump in the entrance to the cave. He ventured a little way inside but the cave was filled with an inky blackness. 
“Bah! “he said. “I can’t see anything without a torch.” He made his way back over the rocks. Behind the beach was a dense green jungle, towering mountain peaks soared above it, the tip of one was so high it poked through a cloud like a marshmallow on a stick. 
Alfie jumped onto the sand and began to walk up the beach. Every few steps were rocks pools, he peered into a few, splashing his fingers in the water to frighten the crabs. 
“What a great place!” said Alfie spinning around on the sand. “It’s got everything a beach should have.” Just then Alfie heard a distant shout. He whirled around to see who was about. Much further up the beach, under some palm trees and in front of a bank of sand dunes were a little group of men all busy digging a hole in the sand. 
“Oh, ho,” said Alfie stalking across the beach towards them. The sunlight was glinting off the silvery blades of the men’s shovels, flashing in his eyes as he drew closer to them. His eyes fixed on the big wooden chest sitting by the trunk of a tree. Alfie stuck his nose in the air and sniffed. A strong scent drifted on the breeze straight into his hair-filled nostrils. His eyes grew bright with longing when he realised what the smell meant. There was gold in that chest, he was sure of it. 
“Hey, you!” he shouted at the men waving his arms over his head. “Give me all your gold or I’ll… I’ll EAT you!”
The men turned around and the same look of horror was mirrored on all their faces when they took in the horrible sight of a huge, ugly, terrifying pirate racing across the beach towards them. The men dropped their tools and ran - their heels kicking up little furls of white dust as they disappeared into the sand dunes. In a trice they’d vanished leaving their treasure chest behind them.
“HAR-DE-HAR!” brayed Alfie rubbing his hands together. “Now it’s all mine!” Reaching for the large wooden chest he picked it up and gave it a good shaking. Clatter, clatter, rattle came the sound from within. He dropped it on the sand and noticed to his disgust the chest was well wrapped in thick chains and all were fastened to a great big padlock dangling at the front. 
“Pah,” said Alfie. He took a few steps backwards, then raced forward swinging his foot and kicked the padlock so violently it flew off and hit a passing parrot right between the eyes. 
“SQUARK!” yelled the parrot plummeting beak first into the sand. Alfie laughed when the weight of the large bird toppled it over into a feathery heap. The parrot was mostly bright green, with a red crest on its head and red tips to its wings. But Alfie was far more interested in treasure than parrots and he turned back to the chest. Minus the padlock the chains had all fallen away. Alfie slowly lifted the lid and stared down at the contents. 
“Wow,” he murmured, for heaped up inside were thousands of gems and gold doubloons. 
“GOLD!” he yelled, plunging his fingers into the pile of treasure and picking up great handfuls. “Lovely jewels,” he sighed happily letting the gems and coins trickle back down again. He rummaged about deep in the chest and brought out a massive ruby, so large it could have been used as a cricket ball. The parrot was now staggering around in circles, looking very confused.
“Gold. Lovely jewels,” it muttered sounding rather tipsy as it staggered past Alfie’s feet. Alfie sat down and wrote his name with some jewels. He scooped up some sand, shaped it into a castle with a drawbridge, a moat and a tall tower. On the very top of the tower he set the big ruby, it caught the light of the sun’s rays, trapping them deep inside its red depths and it began to glow brightly. Alfie grinned proudly at his creation. 
“It’s a lighthouse!” he told the parrot as he stood back admiring his handiwork.
“It’s a lighthouse,” echoed the parrot tottering past the castle and promptly falling straight into the hole the men had been digging in the sand. There was a small squawk and a splat when it landed at the bottom of the hole. Alfie pitched a couple of gems in after it.
“There you are parrot, have some lovely jewels,” he called.
“Lovely jewels,” echoed the parrot’s voice from the bottom of the hole. Alfie looked down just as the parrot picked an emerald up in its beak, tossed it high into the air - the gem promptly fell back hitting the parrot on the head making it keel over with its legs in the air.
Alfie returned the jewels to the chest, all except for the large ruby which he put into his pocket. He stood up and stared hard at the sand dunes. He didn’t want to bury his treasure in the hole the men had dug in the sand, for they were probably watching him from their hiding place and would come back and reclaim it up as soon as he’d gone. 
“What can I do with my treasure, parrot?” he asked the bird which had perched on the treasure chest shaking sand from its feathers. 
“Squarrrrrk!” said the parrot turning its head around in circles.
 “I know!” exclaimed Alfie. He picked up the chest, complete with parrot and walked away down the beach. When he reached the rocks the chest began to slip and slide as he clambered over them. The parrot flew onto his hat where it rested safely until Alfie finished climbing. 
“Squick?” said the parrot, hopping down onto a rock when Alfie stopped in the cave entrance. 
“Watch this, parrot,” said Alfie putting the chest down. He pulled the ruby out of his pocket and walked a little way into the cave, whereupon a rosy glow began to light up the dripping, dank rock walls. Alfie set the glowing gem onto the top of his hat and returned for the chest. The parrot waddled into the cave after him uttering little cheeps as its feet slithered about on the slippery, slimy floor. Alfie set the chest down in a recess far down the tunnel then jumped in surprise when something pinched his bottom painfully. 
“OW!” he shouted in outrage, whirling round to find a monstrous crab snapping its claws behind him. “Not so fast, Mr Snippy,” said Alfie grabbing the crab behind its claws and carrying it down the passageway back out into the sunshine. He dropped the crab onto a rock. It snapped its claws at him, advancing forward menacingly. Alfie swung back one of his big feet, grinning mischievously as he did so. The crab’s eyes goggled, it went into reverse, skittering away as fast as it could before Alfie’s huge foot moved towards it.
“HAR-DE-HAR,” laughed Alfie jumping down onto the sand. 
“Har-de-har,” echoed the parrot flying onto his hat and picking up the enormous ruby. 
“Hey,” Alfie grabbed the parrot by its tail. “Pesky bird, gimme that!” He caught the ruby, returning it to the safety of his pocket. The angry parrot squawked and dive-bombed his hat.
 “Get off me!” yelled Alfie, trying to swat the parrot with his hat as it flew past his head again. He twirled in circles, trying hard to escape the bird’s jabbing beak and sharp claws as he spun around again and again. All of a sudden Alfie was overcome with dizziness. His eyes were spinning and he felt very hot. He tottered about a bit and then faded into a cloud of sand and sunbeams.
*
Alfie woke up on the cold kitchen floor with the remains of a block of cheese on his chest. He shivered, put the cheese back and shut the fridge door and then he remembered the ruby he’d placed in his pocket. But when he patted his pockets, he found to his dismay they were flat and empty.
“Knickers!” said Alfie crossly.          
Chapter Three
Prisoner Rains

It was the day of Alfie’s eighth birthday party. Eight big blue candles were stuck into the icing on the top of his chocolate birthday cake. He already knew when he blew the candles out he would make a wish for a new bike.
The trestle tables in the garden were covered with platefuls of delicious food, the table with the cake was bending a little under the weight of all that chocolate. Alfie licked his lips in anticipation. 
All around the table were gathered Alfie’s very best friends - and Trixie Tracy Buttercup Fleming from next door. He stuck his tongue out at her and was revolted when she blew him back a kiss. Alfie shuddered and looked away and then he saw it. Further down the table was a cheese hedgehog - lots and lots of little cubes of cheese poked onto cocktail sticks all stuck hard into a silver foil wrapped grapefruit. He reached over the table and dragged the plate with the hedgehog towards him.
“Mmmmm, cheese,” murmured Alfie. “I love cheese.”
“I thought you hated cheese, Alfie,” said his mother bustling up with another dish and placing it by the cheese hedgehog.  
“I’ve grown into it,” he announced holding onto the plate tightly and pulling it towards him. 
“The food’s ready children,” announced Alfie’s mother. Alfie plucked a stick out and popped a cheese cube into his mouth and then another until his cheeks filled up and he looked just like a hamster. Very soon, Alfie had eaten all the cubes and the hedgehog was completely bald. He smirked around the table at his friends who were watching him with interest. 
“Phew,” fuffed Alfie. “It’s rather warm today.” Leaning on the table, his cheeks turned as red as a traffic light, his stomach gave a loud rumble then an ominous gurgle came from below the table. 
“BURRRRRP!” Alfie opened his mouth to let the burp come out to its full effect, he smiled when he saw the look of utter disgust on Trixie’s face. He was just trying to summon up another burp when he slithered down onto the floor in a useless heap. 
*
Alfie felt very smug when he woke up because he knew that when he opened his eyes he would be the biggest, most powerful pirate that Pirate World had ever seen. He could feel the sun warming his face, the fresh sea breeze drifting into his nostrils and hear the raucous cries of seagulls clamouring overhead. 
“Ahh!” he sighed happily for it was a glorious life being a pirate. He wondered if he was back on the ship this time, or perhaps, on another desert island. 
Alfie began to give himself a luxurious stretch. But there was a nasty clanking sound and he realised with horror – that he couldn’t move!  His eyelids shot open like shutters. The first thing he saw was a tree hanging overhead, its branches absolutely full of fat pigeons, all peering at him with interest. 
“Coo!” said a grey one with squinty eyes. 
Alfie tugged his left arm. There was a loud clank. He quickly turned and saw the chain attached to his wrist riveted to an iron stake hammered into the ground and when he turned to the right he discovered his other arm was similarly bound and staked. 
“Argh!” yelled Alfie pulling on the chains, making them rattle. He kicked his feet, but they clattered too. “RARRRRRR!” he howled in fury, thrashing and wriggling about trying to free himself, but all of him was chained down tightly and he couldn’t budge more than a few inches. 
 “WHO DARES TO CHAIN ME DOWN?”  A circle of scruffy sailors surrounded him, all of them watching him in awed silence. Several of them were clutching flagons of rum. 
“Hic!” said a sailor close to Alfie’s head. Alfie growled angrily at him and kicked out his feet again. Red hot, boiling fury welled up inside him blowing out of his ear holes with blasts of steam - singeing his ear hair quite badly.
“ARRRRRRRGH!” he raged, startling the flock of pigeons so much they flapped out of the tree making the most dreadful noise. Alfie summoned up all his mighty strength, pulled his arms and legs until the chains were strained to breaking point and then he heaved.
PLINK! One of the stakes shot out of the ground and the chain flew up in the air. PONG, PING, TWANG! Each one of the remaining stakes freed itself and Alfie leapt up to his feet. Whipping one of his wrist chains into the air, he twirled it round and round his head like an extra large sling-shot then he flipped it around the legs of the nearest sailor and pulled hard.
“AVAST YE - YE SCURVY SEA DOG!” he boomed, lifting the started sailor upside down and dangling him. Two and fro’ the sailor swung, like a stripy pendulum.
“CHAIN ME DOWN WOULD YOU? YOU FECKLESS FISH FOLLOWERS!” With a powerful swish he sent the sailor spinning like a top. The rest of the crew were mesmerised, watching their shipmate whizzing in circles. Round and round he spun, so fast his features were a blur. The dizzy sailor was running out of spin. He keeled over like a skittle, landing with a dull thud on the ground, his eyes still spinning crazily round inside his head.
The spell was broken and the rest of the sailors ran for their lives - crashing into one another in their haste to escape from Alfie’s fury as he chased them. One unfortunate fellow ran onto Alfie’s foot and realising his mistake he gulped in fright. Alfie raised his foot sending him skyward soaring over the wall of a nearby inn. 
A mighty crash came from the other side of the wall when the sailor landed. The crash was followed by shouts and the barking of dogs. Alfie stomped over to the wall, peering over the top to see what was happening on the other side. The sailor had landed on a table and was lying flat out stuck in the middle where the table had split in two. The villagers had all fallen backwards from their seats, spilling jugs of beer everywhere. Several dogs of various sizes were jumping about, barking and nipping at ankles and bottoms.
 “OY, YOU! Me lovely ale, you spilled me ale!” A bearded peasant was wailing, trying desperately to scoop the dregs of his beer back into his tankard.
“C’mere you ratfink! You’ve smashed my best Toby jug.” Another man, with a rather battered cap, was clutching the handle of his broken jug. He hurled the handle at the sailor, tripped over a dog and promptly fell head first through the hole in the table with his boots wiggling about in the air.
“Pustulous pimple, look what you’ve done you big…” a woman struggling to get up from the ground shrieked as a passing dog snapped her wig off. “Me wig!” she howled. “Me lovely locks. Quick, fetch it back Joe!” Alfie laughed when the woman grabbed a hairy terrier and wrapped it across her bare head. The dog yipped in surprise and tried to wriggle away but the woman’s strong hands kept it firmly in place. The woman’s husband was tearing around in circles chasing the other, much larger dog that still had her wig clamped firmly in its jaws. 
The villagers had begun thrashing one another. BIFF – THUD – SMACK. Alfie ripped off the rest of his dangling chains and looked around to see who he could fight but the rest of the sailors had disappeared, leaving him standing quite alone on a small patch of grass behind the quay. He wandered down to the water’s edge, casting his eye over the many fishing boats and sailing ships moored in the harbour.
As he walked along the wall, Alfie stopped and gave a little gasp - for there, at the very edge of the quay bobbed a small, but beautiful galleon. She was firmly anchored and roped to a wooden post. The pure white sails were billowing enticingly in the gentle breeze. A sudden gust of wind filled the sails, making them flap with a satisfying whup, whup sound. Alfie sighed with pleasure, it was just what he needed – it was the perfect pirate ship. 
He took a step forward and before he knew it, he was running down the quay towards the ship. As he drew closer he could smell the fresh varnish, polish and resin filling his nose and gladdening his heart. He unfurled the rope from the wooden post, holding it tightly in his massive mitt, leaping into the air, soaring over the water to land with a big thud on the deck of the ship. The gentle rocking of the waves made him bend his knees. He swayed left and right smiling as he rocked, absorbing the feel of the undulating ocean. Up and down he went, side to side and back again.
The ship looked brand spanking new, all the wood was polished and gleaming, even the ropes were clean and fresh. The brass fittings shone like gold and the sails were so white, dazzling in the sunshine, they hurt his eyes. It was truly a most magnificent ship.
Alfie walked to the deck rail, grasping it firmly beneath his palms he peered seaward towards the distant horizon. 
“Arrrrr!” he said smiling at the welcoming waves. A sudden yearning hit him like a blow. The horizon seemed to be beckoning to him. He even thought he could see a giant hand waving at him but realised it was just some shifting clouds skimming across the sky. Alfie went in search of the chain holding the anchor. When he found it he grasped the chain tightly, and as if it were but a thread, plucked it from its mooring. After a quick tweak here and there on ropes and rigging, he spun the walnut wheel hard to starboard, the wind whipped the sails and amazingly the ship turned to the right and began gliding smoothly out towards the open sea. 
Alfie smiled proudly. “I’m sailing! I’m sailing!” he cried, but the tang of salt on the quickening breeze cut his breath away, making him gasp as the ship sped over the waves, out of the reach of the people gathering at the harbour walls. The wind was brisk and soon took hold of the ship sending it far and fast out to sea. 
 “I shall call her the Merry Mary,” Alfie announced to a seagull gliding overhead. The seagull let out a ringing cry setting its wings into the pull of the strong sea breeze and it banked away. Alfie hung onto the wheel. He was so excited, a song burst out of him.
“Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum,
With a har-de-har here I come.
Hide your gold and run like fools,
Or Alfie Rains will steal your jewels.”
The wind suddenly dropped, the ship slowed its passage and Alfie found himself in control of the wheel. The pull from the waves became stronger, he gripped the wooden spokes firmly and the ship lurched.
“Wheee!” said Alfie, thoroughly enjoying spinning the wheel to and fro. He didn’t notice that the ship was weaving crazily across the surface of the ocean in a zig zagging pattern. First it would zoom to the port side and then to starboard as Alfie tried to learn to steer left and right. 
A sudden spout of water shot high into the air. 
“Whale ahoy!” cried Alfie in excitement as a series of big round droplets splattered upon the deck. Abandoning the wheel he raced to the side of the ship for a closer look. The whale was enormous, fixing him with a large serious eye it made a deep moaning sound. Alfie gulped when he realised his ship was turning towards the huge sea beast. 
“Whoops, sorry Mr Whale,” he called out.  Running back to the wheel he heaved it the other way, altering the course of the ship. 
“Phew that was close,” he patted the wheel and tried to steer in a straight line. He was beginning to feel a bit woozy and rather warm.  
“Cor, it’s hot!” he exclaimed. Sweat was dripping into his eyes and he couldn’t see very well, he wiped his face with a red spotted handkerchief, making the ship lurch again as he let go of the wheel.
 “Blistering barnacles! Here we go again!” He was suddenly overcome by a rush of dizziness, it swamped him and all the world went as black as night. 
*
Alfie woke up on the grass by the table surrounded by bobbing party hats. He was so disappointed at having to leave his ship he got up to his feet rather too hurriedly and was promptly sick all over Trixie, who shrieked with horror.
“Oh Alfie!” cried his mother, “You did give me such a fright fainting like that. You must never eat cheese again!”
Chapter Four
The Merry Mary

Alfie Rains was in the supermarket with his mother.
“Coo-eee, Lorraine,” called a shrieky, wavery voice. Alfie turned to see Mrs Winifred Pickles heading their way. He gulped as she bent down and chuckled him under the chin with a gnarled, claw-like hand. Alfie froze, unable to take his eyes from the hairy mole on her chin.  
“Oooh, Alfie,” she cawed, whistling through her loosely fitting false teeth. “Aren’t you a big boy now? What lovely rosy cheeks you have. Ooh, give me a fork and I could eat you up!” Alfie edged away from her, his hands squashing down the packs of soft rolls on the shelf as he tried to winch his body out of her reach.  But, he didn’t move fast enough and her hands zoomed out, gripping him by his cheeks, pinching them hard. 
“What does your mum feed you on?” she asked.
 “CHEESE!” yelled Alfie, squirming out of her grasp and running away down the aisle until well out of grabbing range.
“Now, Alfie,” called his mother. “That’s an untruth! You know you aren’t allowed to eat cheese because it makes you faint away.” She rolled her eyes at Mrs Winifred Pickles, letting out a long suffering sigh. “Cheese makes him faint, you know,” she said. 
Mrs Winifred Pickles nodded sagely at Alfie’s mother, her fleshy ears pricking up at the prospect of a juicy tale. Alfie took his chance and sidled away down the bread aisle, giving a quick glance backwards he saw to his relief that his mother had started talking, and her hands were on her hips - which was always a good sign she was in for a long gossiping session. 
Alfie rounded the corner into dairy products and headed straight for the cheese section. He gulped – there was just so much of it!  He simply didn’t know where to start. He picked up a bright yellow pack but it was sealed tightly shut and he was sure if he tried to rip it open it with his teeth someone would be sure to notice.  
Squeak, squeak, squeak. Alfie turned expecting to find a giant mouse behind him. But instead he found a very large man with a ginger pony-tail pushing a heavily laden trolley towards him like a tank on manoeuvres. Alfie breathed in, closing his eyes, expecting the trolley to hit him at any moment. 
Thump! Alfie opened one eye. A pack of cheese soared over his head landing in the large man’s trolley. Whack! In went another package. Alfie realised he was nicely shielded by the huge trolley on one side and the mountain of a man on the other. He grabbed a carton of soft cheese with a lid, stuffed it up his sweater and scurried behind a display where he sank down onto the floor.  
“Easy peasy,” whispered Alfie, ripping off the lid and scooping a lump of cheese out with his fingers. He gulped it down and it wasn’t long before the tub was empty. Alfie slid it under the display to hide it from view.
Squeak, squeak, squeak. The trolley was on the move again. He crawled out from behind the display and watched the man moving slowly away down the aisle, his sizeable rump swaying from side to side as he went. Alfie wondered if he should go and get some more cheese as the soft cheese didn’t seem to be working. He didn’t feel at all hot and not at all burpy. He thought, perhaps, it was the wrong type of cheese. 
“Hic!” Alfie put his hand over his mouth. “Oh, no! Hic!” he tried to cover his mouth with both of his hands but a big cheesy burp came out, closely followed by a vast pop which echoed amongst the chiller cabinets and Alfie Rains sank to the floor like a deflated balloon.
*
The sound of waves lapping against the shore roused Alfie. His eyes snapped open immediately and he stretched out his arms and legs just in case he had been chained up again. But all was well, and he was gloriously un-tethered. The sky above him was bright blue with little white clouds scudding across it. Alfie was filled with happiness and kicked out his legs ready to leap into action. 
There was a mighty thump as his foot struck something softly yielding. 
WEEP, WEEP, GERUNT! When Alfie landed on his feet he realised he’d accidentally booted a passing wild boar and was just in time to watch it fly through the air then drop like a piggy shaped rock into a muddy ditch. 
GRUNT! snorted the boar from the muddy ditch. 
“Sorry piggy!” said Alfie looking down on the dazed porker and giving it a wave. Behind him stretched rolling fields of lavender while in front was a wet sandy beach. The tide was on its way out leaving little trails of shells and crabs as each wave exposed more and more soggy sand. 
Alfie let out a cry of delight and leapt over the ditch, for over by the rocks at the water’s edge was tethered the Merry Mary. He would know his ship anywhere, her bright white sails flapping, the snazzy red flag wiggling in the breeze. He climbed down the bank to the beach and the wind nearly took his breath away as he strode out across the sand. The Merry Mary grew closer with each step and he began to run, grinning as he went, his feet slapping in the puddles of sea water left behind by the retreating tide. He began to hum a little tune, swaggering as he walked. 
“My ship is a fine ship,” he sang.
“Big fat hold, filled with gold, 
“Lots of ropes for boardin’ boats…”
“About time you woke up!” snarled a voice. Alfie stopped singing and jumped with surprise. 
“Who speaks? Show yourself!” He ordered spinning on his heel, but seeing nothing but a battered old boat covered with peeling paint he was puzzled and turned around again. 
“No need to shout. I’m over here – see?” From out of the battered boat rose a head. The head was followed by a skinny body clad all in black. It was a runt of a fellow with only one eye – well, he may have had another but if he did, it was hiding under a black leather eye patch. On the man’s neck was a dark blue tattoo of a spider’s web. The man smiled at Alfie, showing a row of crooked brown teeth any camel would be proud to own.
“Who the ditherin’ dolphins are you?” Alfie frowned at the grubby wreck of a sailor. The man had now clambered out of the boat and was standing in front of Alfie. He had his hands on his hips and had slipped a big, sharp, shiny dagger between his teeth. Slowly, he leaned backwards to gaze up at Alfie.
 “Answer me - who are you?” Alfie asked his question again – only a little more impatiently this time.
“Mumfle wumfle,” said the fellow in a muffled voice. His voice was muffled because he had a big, sharp, shiny dagger held between his teeth. He spat it out, caught it deftly then rammed it into a holster slung at his waist.
“I’m Spider Sam,” said the fellow more clearly this time. Alfie noticed when he spoke brown spittle splattered out between the gaps in his teeth.
 “Why’d they call you that?” asked Alfie. Spider Sam took his hat from his head and presented it to him. Nestled in the crown of the hat was a huge, hairy spider, which winked cheekily at Alfie.
“Say hello to Vanessa,” said Spider Sam.
“Hello, Vanessa,” said Alfie before he had time to consider talking to a spider may appear a bit silly.
“Ullo,” said Vanessa in a gruff voice. Alfie took a step backwards.
“It spoke to me!” he said in a shocked tone.
Spider Sam laughed loudly and even more brownish spittle shot out through the gaps in his teeth splashing the spider who shook herself like a small dog.
“She’s a ‘she’, not an ‘it’,” Spider Sam laughed. “She won’t like you calling ‘er an ‘it’. And of course she talks. Anyone’d think you had never heard of the Giant Bolivian Talking Spider before!”
“Well, I haven’t!” said Alfie crossly.
“I’ve told you my name,” said Spider Sam fixing Alfie with his one good eye. “So it’s only polite for you to tell me yours.”
Alfie stared at Spider Sam and frowned, wondering what on earth could he say? Alfie the pirate didn’t sound even one little bit as menacing as ‘Spider Sam’ did.
 “Err,” said Alfie thinking hard. “My name is Captain…um…Humungous Thunders!” It was a very good name. He liked the sound of it and he proudly puffed out his chest, flapping his frilly lace shirt cuffs as he waved at Spider Sam. “Captain Thunders to you – you cheeky squid-squeak.”
“Tell me…,” the newly named Captain Thunders glared at Spider Sam. “What is it you want with me, you one orbed oddity? You’d better give me a darn good reason why I shouldn’t squash you and your horrid spider.” 
Spider Sam laughed again and spat a big blob of tobacco onto the sand.
 “I’ve been watching you,” he said, tapping his eye patch as he spoke. “I saw you sail into the bay, you can’t steer that ship of yours - in fact I’ve never seen a worse display of seamanship.” Spider Sam jerked his head over to where the Merry Mary bobbed atop the waves.
“I CAN!” shouted Captain Thunders angrily, stamping his foot on the sand until all the little sand worms crawled away to safety. “I CAN SO SAIL MY SHIP!”
“Cant!” Spat back Spider Sam producing a mottled haze of tobacco juice.
“CAN TOO, I’LL SHOW YOU, YOU SNIVELLING SEA SNAKE!”
“Hah! I wouldn’t attempt it if I were you, Cap’n. Do y’see that bed of coral out there?”
Captain Thunders squinted out to sea. “No! Where?” he asked, scanning frantically.
“Yonder!” 
Captain Thunders frowned, squinting even harder as he tried to see the bed of coral to which Spider Sam was pointing with a filthy finger.
“Can’t see it,” Captain Thunders stamped his foot down harder on the sand until even the crabs in the rock pools scampered away to the safety of the waves.
“Only the eye of an experienced sailor can spy a hazard like a coral reef.” Spider Sam looked fearlessly into the Captain’s eyes, adding artfully. “And that’s why you’ll be needing me.” He pointed to his chest. “There’s none more experienced than Spider Sam Spiggot.” He folded his arms, standing back proudly while Vanessa bounced up and down on top of his hat, snickering.
Captain Thunders glared crossly at Spider Sam. He loved his new pirate ship, but he had to admit he had not found sailing her particularly easy - in fact it was really, really HARD! He didn’t want to admit to anyone that he couldn’t sail his own ship and come to think of it, a pirate as big and important as him shouldn’t be sailing his own ship anyway. He needed a crew to do it for him. Yes! The Merry Mary needed a crew of roughty, toughty pirates with lots of experience of thievery, plundering and skulduggery.  
Captain Thunders fixed Spider Sam with a suspicious stare. This fellow looked rough and very tough with his one eye and spidery tattoo and he must be brave and fearless because he didn’t seem to be scared of him at all.
“Alright then,” muttered Captain Thunders grudgingly. “I’ll let you join my crew.” Spider Sam gave him the thumbs up sign, a crooked smile breaking across his face and he began purring contentedly like a grubby cat. 
“Arrrr!”
“Aye, aye Mr Captain, Sir,” rasped Vanessa sarcastically from inside the crown of Spider Sam’s hat.
“You can be first mate, Spider Sam,” said Captain Thunders, adding “err – do you know any more pirates? Some big strong ones would be best. And could you get me a parrot?”
“No,” replied Spider Sam stroking one of the little dreadlocks which sprouted from his chin. “Parrots is very ‘ard to catch. But I do know a pirate with a monkey.” Captain Thunders wasn’t sure about the idea of a monkey. After seeing the parrot on the island with the white sands he really wanted one for a pet. But, he supposed a monkey was better than nothing.
“Let’s get to sea then,” he said impatiently. “Then you can show me just how good you are at sailing.” 
Spider Sam took the side of his rowing boat in his hands and began to shove it towards the shore. The Captain skipped off across the beach with all the grace of a baby elephant. More little crabs scuttled for their lives before they could be crushed by his great, big feet. As Captain Thunders ran along the sands he began to sing very loudly:
“Oh, swishing, swirling sea,
It’s a pirate’s life for me.
It’ll be such a pleasure,
Stealing your treasure.
Tra, la, la, la, lee.” 
 “Ah, hem,” said Spider Sam pushing his boat into the water with a splash. “Don’t you mean a pirate’s life for ‘us’?”
“And meeee!” yelled Vanessa, bouncing out of the hat onto a bench as Spider Sam jumped into his rowing boat.
“Oh all right then – us! Now come on!” He waded through the waves towards his ship while Spider Sam rowed as fast as he could alongside. When they were safely on board, the Captain clasped his hands together, sighing with contentment, as he watched Spider Sam steer them out of the bay. The open seas were choppy and the Merry Mary began to dip and dive. The Captain gulped. He felt a little woozy and wobbly and with a crash he fell over on the deck. 
*
Alfie Rains woke up by the chiller cabinets in the supermarket. 
“Oh, Alfie,” said his mother. “You did give us such a scare! You’ve been at the cheese again. I see you have it smeared all around your mouth.”
“I told you little boys are nothing but trouble,” muttered Mrs Winifred Pickles firmly clutching her bright yellow knitted shopping bag to her chest. She glared down at Alfie and snarled at him. “Slugs and snails so they say - more like toads and trolls, I reckon. Sugar and spice, little girls are just so much nicer.”
“Girls are STUPID!” grumbled Alfie crossly, wiping the sticky cheese away from his mouth. He wanted to be on his ship, not in the silly old supermarket. He jumped to his feet, stamping away from his mother in a great, big huff.
Chapter Five
Pointy Island

It was a sunny day in August, and Petie Pilchard’s party was in full swing. The bouncy castle was full to capacity with leaping children.
“WHEEE!” shouted Trixie. “Look at MEEEEE!”
Alfie was bouncing steadily nearer to Trixie. With a huge bound, he leant sideways and bounced right into her. Trixie twanged head first into the side of the castle.
BOINGGGG! She ricocheted off the wall, pinging flat onto her face.
“WHAAAAAAA!” wailed Trixie, trying to scramble up to her feet, her little purple socks paddling frantically against the shiny plastic.
“Ha, ha, ha, Trixie,” guffawed Alfie, leaping up and knocking her down again.
“Children!” called a voice from outside the castle. “The buffet is ready now – come and get it!” 
Twenty five hungry children bounced out of the castle, vaulted over the pile of shoes and stampeded towards the trestle tables groaning under of an enormous mass of party food.
“SHOES!” yelled a voice. Twenty five children turned around and flung themselves into the pile of shoes. Seconds later, they were up and thundering back towards the table. Alfie suddenly became aware that his running feet were not going anywhere because his mother had a firm grip on the back of his t-shirt.
“No cheese Alfie,” she said firmly giving him a little shake. Alfie pouted, glaring up at her mutinously. “I’m not putting you down until you answer me.”
 He nodded as best he could from his dangling position.
“Yeah, all right,” he muttered ominously. His mother lowered him until his feet touched the ground and he skittered off to catch the rest of the children at the table. Alfie stuffed a couple of sausage rolls into his mouth and peered around to see if his mother was watching him. She was. He edged along the table towards terrible Trixie who beamed when she saw him and puckered her lips ready to give him a smacking great kiss. Alfie opened his mouth as wide as he could, showing her the mush of half eaten sausage rolls inside it. 
“WAH!” Trixie howled, waving her arms around her head like a small purple windmill. “URGH! Alfie’s disgusting! MUM!” There was a momentary skirmish as all the nearby children fought to get out of the way of her whirling arms. Alfie took his chance to dive under the table. Hidden by a vast blue and yellow crepe table cloth he crawled to the other side and popped back up. There was a tray of cheese stuffed rolls well within reach. But he could see his mother looking for him. Very carefully, Alfie stretched out an arm and whip – whip – whip! He slid the cheese out of a few of the rolls and took it under the table to eat. He chomped it all up and waited. Within moments, his cheeks raged with the heat of a bonfire. He remembered what came next and covered his mouth to hide the sound of the loud and cheesy burp that was sure to follow. But, disgustingly - it seemed to come out of his nose. 
POP! Alfie Rains disappeared, leaving only a small figure dressed in combat shorts and a camouflage t-shirt lying on the grass under the table.
*
“Wake up, Cap’n!” a voice shouted close to his ear. Captain Thunders opened his eyes and saw Spider Sam pointing at something over the side of the ship. He got to his feet, held his hand over his eyes and tried to spy what he was supposed to be looking at.
“Land ahoy! Avast Cap’n, its Pointy Island at last,” bellowed Spider Sam.
Captain Thunders could see the greenery of an island ahead of the Merry Mary. A mountain stuck up right in the middle of the island, its tip as crooked as a broken finger.
“Remind me why we’re going there?” he asked removing his hat to scratch the top of his head.
“Steak and chips! What d’ya think were going there for?” rasped Vanessa from inside the crown of Spider Sam’s hat.
“Have ya forgotten Cap’n? Were a going for a crew. The lads cluster on Pointy Island eager for some new adventures,” Spider Sam patted the cutlass at his waist in its battered leather scabbard.
“Ooh, goody! An adventure!” exclaimed Captain Thunders clapping his hands in delight. He brushed the front of his jacket and coughed realising he sounded a bit of a cissy. After all, he was supposed to be a fearsome pirate and they didn’t tend to say ‘Ooh, goody.’ 
He lowered his voice and growled fiercely. “I mean - the seas await us with vast bounties of gold and jewels. Lives will be lost and ships scuppered in our quest for treasure. ARRRR.”
“Ha, ha! You said ‘Ooh, goody,’” sniggered Vanessa.
Captain Thunders stuck his face towards Spider Sam’s hat and shouted at the top of his voice. “I can feel a spider squashing coming on!”
“All right, all right keep yer hat on – I was only joking,” croaked Vanessa, looking a teensy bit worried. She folded her knees over her head but Captain Thunders ignored her and walked to the side of the ship to gaze at the island which was getting closer by the second.
“Splice the mainsail, bring her round!” yelled Spider Sam at the top of his voice. The Captain wondered for a moment if Spider Sam was talking at him, but realised with relief that he was talking to Vanessa, who had jumped onto the wheel and was making it spin this way and that. Now she was out of the hat he could see that she really was quite a fat spider and he was very glad he hadn’t squashed her as she would have made a terrible mess on his lovely, shiny varnished deck.
“Bring her about, I’ll drop anchor,” yelled Spider Sam to Vanessa.
Captain Thunders took his hat off again and leaned over the side of the ship where he could see a group of swarthy fellows clustered like scruffy barnacles on the rocks below them. Suddenly a small furry body raced up the anchor chain, flying through the air it landed with a bump on the deck. A little monkey with a cheeky wrinkled face, chattering excitedly ran up to Captain Thunders gazing at him quizzically, uncertain what to do next. It decided to run up the Captain’s breeches and go and sit on his head. The Captain pouted. He tried to remove the monkey from his hair, but it had wound its claws in tightly and was clinging on for dear life.
“GET IT OFF ME!” he yelled, swatting at the monkey with his hat.
“Apologies, Captain,” said a tall hooked nosed pirate who swung himself gracefully over the deck rail landing neatly by the Captain’s side. He had the most marvellous moustache, swirling up at the ends into perfect little curls and when he spoke his voice was rich with cultured tones. 
“Come here, Mr Spinks,” he ordered. The monkey released his grip from the Captain’s hair and bounced lightly onto the tall pirate’s shoulder.
The tall pirate bowed low before Captain Thunders, almost dislodging Mr Spinks from his shoulder. But the monkey dug his claws in and hung upside down until his master stood upright again.
“Lord Godolphin Hinton Winton, the finest of helmsmen at your service, Captain Thunders, sir.” The Captain realised he must have looked surprised, because the pirate winked broadly and added, “But you can call me - Hooknose.”
“Are you really a Lord?” Captain Thunders felt he had to ask - after all it would have been rude to ignore such an impressive sounding name.
“Indeed, I am: Lord of the manor, Squire of one hundred thousand acres of heartland, owner of factories, mills and…” Captain Thunders waved his hand to stop Hooknose from speaking. He was starting to feel rather jealous of the pirate’s most impressive pedigree.
“Ok, stop! So you’re really important! But why are you dressed like a pirate and why are you on my ship?”
Hooknose threw back his head and laughed heartily. “Ahh, but Captain, thar you have it; for you see, I am a pirate! I’m bad from the tips of my toes to the end of my hook of a nose. I can no sooner be a grand lord of the manor than you could be a beauty queen.”
“GRRRRRR!” Captain Thunders lunged at Hooknose angrily. He got a good handful of the pirate’s jacket, but soon dropped it again when Mr Spinks jumped up and bit him painfully on the end of his nose.
“Ow! Ow, Ow!” he hopped about holding his throbbing nose and was so mad his cheeks grew red and his eyes crossed with fury. Mr Spinks jumped down onto the deck to avoid the Captain’s frantically swatting hands and ran away chattering hysterically. The Captain chased after him and the pair zigzagged all over the ship.
“Pathetic! Can’t even catch a monkey,” called out Vanessa from her place on the ship’s wheel. Captain Thunders turned his black fury towards Vanessa. She looked startled for a second then began to laugh for little Mr Spinks was capering about pulling faces behind the Captain’s back.
“Cap’n!” called Spider Sam. “The rest of the crew are all aboard and ready for inspection.” Captain Thunders turned and saw ranged in a line before him was a motley trio of unshaven, grubby, scruffy men. They were dressed in an assortment of leather waistcoats, patched garments, garish socks, dangling earrings and were sporting some very unsuitable headgear. The men shuffled about while Mr Spinks the monkey stood in place at the end of the line, saluting smartly and poking out his tongue in a terribly rude fashion at Captain Thunders, who snarled at him. 
“Spider Sam, are all these men real pirates?” he asked doubtfully.
“Ah yes, Cap’n. These are some of the most notorious rogues and ruffians you could ever dread to meet, eh lads?” 
The men shouted, while waving a collection of pistols and cutlasses in the air. Their raucous chorus of, ‘wey hey’, ‘arrrrr’, and ‘let me at ‘em’, caused the seagulls on the sails fly up in a flurry of alarmed squawks. Wheeling overhead and screaming, one of the seagulls unclenched and splattered one pirate’s woolly hat with white and green smelly goo.
“That’s lucky y’know,” called Vanessa resuming her usual place in Spider Sam’s hat. The freshly decorated pirate wiped some goo from his shoulders, scraping it off as best he could on a barrel.
“That’s Unlucky Pete, the boson,” explained Spider Sam. “He’s a useful man to have around, because you know that he’s always going to find any traps first.” 
“What can he do?” asked the Captain doubtfully. “Is he any good at fighting?”
“He’s a master swordsman, a fine shot, and a stealthy stabber as well as a seasoned sailor – and right now he’s been well seasoned – ha, ha, ha!” 
Unlucky Pete removed his now steaming woolly hat and tried to scrape the seagull mess onto a coil of rope.
“OY! Don’t do that – it’s a new rope!” shouted Captain Thunders angrily.
Unlucky Pete continued wiping his hat onto the rope. The Captain threw a barrel at him, it bounced away, rolling across the deck. 
“Who’s next?” the Captain asked, looking down the line at a tub of a man with a small flag planted on top of his battered pirate hat.
“I’m Portuguese John,” said the tub of a man removing his hat and dipping a bow.
“Why do they call you that?” asked the Captain.
“I’m Portuguese!” replied John with a cutting edge to his voice.
Captain Thunders groaned and he moved on to the last pirate who was a big, hefty fellow with a lantern jaw and crossed eyes. 
“Don’t tell me,” grinned the Captain. “Let me guess - you’re called cross-eyed Colin, aren’t you?” he said. 
“No, master,” squeaked the man. “My name is Nathan Brightness. I’m only cross-eyed because that darn monkey is a swinging on my breeches!” Nathan grabbed the swaying monkey, managing to dislodge him with a well aimed punch. Mr Spinks landed in the well at the centre of the seasoned coil of rope. Captain Thunders laughed, he wasn’t at all keen on that monkey. 
“What do you do?” he asked Nathan.
“I’m the cabin boy, Master.” Nathan removed the tiny hat perched on top of his vast head, he swiped it at the monkey which had come chattering back, pulling on the hem of his jacket. 
“Gerroff!” said Nathan pushing Mr Spinks away with his foot.
“Aren’t you a bit big for a cabin boy?” Captain Thunders frowned at him.
“As far as I know, Master - thar’s no height restriction for the job,” replied Nathan trying to shake Mr Spinks from his foot.
Captain Thunders rolled his eyes.  “I suppose they’ll do for now,” he said grudgingly to Spider Sam.
“Ok lads, yer in!” Yelled Spider Sam but his words were drowned out by raucous cheers. Several bottles of rum appeared out of thin air and the new crew all began to guzzle and sing merry pirate songs.
“It’s a pirate’s life we craves,
As we sails across the waves.
We’ll take a ship and empty ‘er hold,
We’ll steal yer rum and pinch yer gold.
Ooo arrrr, we’re pirates bad and bold!”
Hooknose took the wheel and the Merry Mary headed out to sea. Captain Thunders watched his men singing and dancing, swigging from their bottles of rum and smoking big, smelly pipefuls of tobacco. The smells drifted towards him and he began to feel quite sick and very dizzy. 
*
Alfie opened his eyes under a blue and yellow sky and he quickly realised he had woken up under the chequered table cloth. Crawling right to the end he peeked out to discover lots of legs were still surrounding the table. 
“Phew!” muttered Alfie in relief realising he couldn’t have been gone for very long. He crept out carefully, peering to see if there was any food left because he was starving. There was a plate of ham rolls close by so he grabbed one and stuffed it into his mouth, making his cheeks bulge out.  He was just about to grab another when a hand clamped down on his shoulder.
“There you are, Alfie!” his mother appeared by his side. “I was so worried. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Where on earth have you been?” 
“Pointy Island!” replied Alfie cheekily, dodging a good old fashioned clip round the ear.
Chapter Six
The Jolly Roger

Alfie Rains was in the classroom fidgeting on his seat, shuffling his bottom from side to side as he tapped out a tune on the desk top with two pencils.
“ALFIE!” howled his teacher. Poor Miss Pinches had had enough of his bad behaviour and she marched up to his desk, glaring down at him. 
 “For goodness sake sit still Alfie,” she warned - a vision of blonde-haired ferocity in a lilac skirt-suit. “Or I shall have to send you out of the classroom.”
Alfie grinned wickedly. He remained still for a fraction of a second and then began bouncing up and down on his chair, slapping his hands down on the desk each time he landed. 
“ALFIE!” shrieked Miss Pinches, pointing a lilac painted fingernail at the door. “Go outside the door at once. Sit on the bench and stay there until I call you to come back inside.” 
Alfie zoomed out of the classroom, his arms held wide like the wings of an aeroplane. 
“Ner – alm!” he called making the sound of fighter jet. The door banged closed behind him and Alfie found himself in the corridor. There was no-one around and he sat on the bench by the door and looked up and down. Then he sniffed the air - the smell of lunch was wafting down the corridor towards him. Still sniffing, he got up and headed towards the source of the smell. 
He paused by the doors to the school dining hall from where the sounds of bashing, crashing pots could be heard from the other side. Very slowly he pushed open the swing doors and peeked inside. The hatch to the kitchen was standing open and ladies swathed in green overalls were bustling about, dashing to and fro, stirring steaming pots, chopping up food, carrying heavy dishes. Alfie slipped through the doors, edging along the wall towards the kitchen. He ducked down out of sight and crawled along the floor under the big metal counter until he reached the hatch. 
There was only one woman in sight now, and she’d just placed a line of dishes on the counter top to cool. When she’d arranged them, she walked briskly to the other side of the kitchen and, whistling loudly, she took up a long handled spoon and began stirring a bubbling, frothing concoction in a huge saucepan the size of a rain barrel. Alfie took his chance and dodged over to the counter top. To his delight he discovered there were quiches in the dishes the woman had placed on the rack. Quick as lightening he covered his hands with his sleeves, grabbed two of the dishes and ran back through the hatch. The tins were quite hot and he raced through the doors before his fingers were burned. 
Out in the corridor Alfie placed the tins on the floor, waggling his fingers in the air to cool them. He noticed the caretaker’s cupboard across the corridor. He had a quick look around but, the place was still deserted. He picked up the quiches again and ran to the door, stopping when he realised he couldn’t open it because he had a quiche in each hand. He balanced a one dish on his head and turned the handle with his free hand. 
The cupboard was cool and dark - perfect for hiding away from prying, peeping eyes. A window high up in the wall, its glass covered with mesh, allowed in a small amount of light, plenty enough for him to see to eat the quiches. Alfie tipped a bucket upside down, turning it into a seat.
“Yum!” he said taking a big bite out of the first quiche. It was still very hot and he had to wave it around a bit to cool it down before he finished eating the remainder. It was very nice quiche and it didn’t take him long to demolish both of them. 
“Cor, I’m full,” said Alfie, rubbing his stomach. “Of quichy weechy!”  He grinned, and closing his eyes he licked his lips.  
“Oh dear,” he said. “BURP!” he giggled. “That was a good one. Oops. BURP, BURP, BURP!” Alfie fell sideways from the bucket, landing in a messy jumble on the cupboard floor. 
*
“Too much rum, Cap’n?” asked Spider Sam turning his good eye on Captain Thunders who was lying sprawled on his back in the middle of the deck. The red eyes of Vanessa could be seen peeping over the brim of Spider Sam’s hat. 
“Can’t take his drink. HAH!” she laughed.
Captain Thunders rose up to his full height of seven feet and seventeen inches, glaring down at Vanessa he burped a big quiche scented burp all over her.
“Urgh!” she cried. “What have you been eating?”
“CHEESE!” laughed the Captain grinning as Vanessa tried to swat the smell away with all eight of her legs.
“Where are we, Spider Sam?” The Captain looked over the ship’s side at the vast ocean waving back at him.
Spider Sam lowered his eyeglass. “Far out to sea, sir. No signs of any other vessels - yet.”
“Cap’n! ‘Scuse me Cap’n.” Up scuttled Unlucky Pete, shifting nervously from foot to foot, his restless hands wringing at his woolly hat, over and over again he twisted it in his grip.
“WHAT?” howled Captain Thunders. Nervous pirates made him cross. “STOP hopping around like a schoolgirl with her underwear in a bunch. Spit it out!” 
Unlucky Pete did just that and spat a wad of soggy tobacco onto Captain Thunders’ shiny buckled shoe. 
“UGH!” yelled the Captain in disgust. “You rancid little squidlet, c’mere.” He lunged at Pete, who dodged neatly out of the way.
“BEND OVER!” ordered Captain Thunders. Unlucky Pete stopped and stared. “Go on!” Pete cringed and ducked forward, waiting for the impact from the Captain’s large foot on his squashy bottom. But Captain Thunders just wiped the tobacco from his shoe onto the back of Unlucky Pete’s breeches. Pete let out a huge sigh of relief. Backing up against the main mast he rubbed against the ropes trying to dislodge the gungy mess on the seat of his breeches.  
“Cap’n,” said Unlucky Pete again when he’d finished wiping. “There’s a ship on the horizon, port side.” Captain Thunders ran to the right hand rail and squinted in the sunshine but he could see nothing.
“Where?” he demanded. Pete coughed, pointing nervously to the left side of the deck towards the wide, green ocean. The Captain took a few strides to the other side of the ship, where, sure enough, a small Frigate could be seen bouncing along the waves.
“HOIST THE JOLLY ROGER!” boomed Captain Thunders. The red flag on top of the main mast had been replaced with the Pirate’s Standard. Nathan sprang into action and soon the black flag with its white skull and crossbones had flown up the ropes and was now waving in the wind on the top most point of the ship. 
“Hic!” said the Captain. “That confounded quiche! HIC!” Mr Spinks climbed up a rope after the flag. He paused on the rigging when he saw the Frigate and stopped, chattering excitedly, shaking his tiny fist at the vessel. 
“Come hither, Mr Spinks,” called Hooknose from the wheel. The little monkey slid down and jumped nimbly onto his master’s shoulder.
“We’ll be on her in a trice, Captain for the wind is with us,” Hooknose spun the wheel deftly. There was a creak as the ship set a course ahead of the wind, skimming over the waves at a fast pace towards the Frigate. Hooknose’s fine brimmed hat was set at a rakish angle, Mr Spinks gave it a little prod upwards while curling his long tail up and down like a yo-yo.
“It certainly is - hic,” Captain Thunders put his hand over his mouth. He was now regretting choosing quiche as his cheese of the day. “HIC!” he said again, glowering crossly.
“I know a certain cure for the hiccups, Master,” Nathan appeared by Captain Thunders’ side.
“What is it? Tell me now, you roguish rapscallion – hic!” 
“You have to hold your nose and your breath and put your fingers in your ears – that’ll get rid of the hiccups for sure.”
“What?” boomed the Captain. “You nincompoop, how can I stick my fingers in my ears – AND hold my nose at the same time? HIC!”
“Ah yes. I see. That is a problem. I’ll tell you what - you stick your fingers in your ears and I’ll hold your nose.” Captain Thunders plunged his fingers into the hairy depths of his ears. He took a big breath in while Nathan swung up onto the deck rail and poked his fingers up the Captain’s nose. 
“Whoops,’ said Nathan, smiling sheepishly at the Captain’s furious expression. “Silly me. I stuck me fingers up your nose - instead of pinching it.” He pinched the bulbous end of the Captain’s nose until he turned purple in the face.
“ARGH!” he yelled removing his fingers from his ears so fast Nathan fell over the side of the ship and was left dangling by his finger tips from the deck rail. The Captain swung one arm behind his back and removed Mr Spinks who had just sunk his sharp teeth into the Captain’s backside. 
“You little…,” the Captain was about to hurl the monkey over the side but it bit him hard on the finger. “OW!” 
The monkey dropped down and skittered away over the deck until he reached the safety of his master. He climbed under Hooknose’s jacket and hid there, breathing as quietly as possible until the Captain calmed down – which didn’t look as if it would be soon.
“Where is it? Where’s that jungle rat in a hat?” the Captain stormed across the deck, glaring at Hooknose who stared coolly back at him. Nathan had climbed back on deck and was busy stuffing a fresh wad of tobacco into his mouth. He watched the Captain pounding around in angry circles for a while. When he’d chewed his wad into submission he spat it into his hand.
 “Well, that certainly is a new cure for hiccups if ever I did see one,” Nathan grinned popping the wad into his mouth again, he resumed chewing. The Captain stopped, realised his hiccups had passed. He pulled his hat straight and blew his nose on a red spotted handkerchief. 
The Frigate was almost within boarding distance. 
“Quarry in line, muster yer bluster!” Called Spider Sam jangling his cutlasses, getting ready to prise them free from their scuffed leather scabbards.  
“Setting about. Come on lads! Hooks at the ready as we prepare to board her!” Portuguese John leapt onto the deck-rail, with his knees bent he swung out the first grappling hook which clanged into the deck of the Frigate and held fast. Portuguese John set his cutlass between his teeth, seized the rope and swung across to the other ship.
The pirates snapped to attention, each of them grasped a grappling hook and hurled it high into the air, all found their targets and stuck tight. With cries of thievery and intent the pirates whizzed over the gap between the two ships. The sea was rough and choppy waves churned beneath them as they soared through the air before landing with a series of thumps on the deck of the pretty little Frigate. The crisp white sails flapped like washing on a clothes line as the Frigate bobbed atop the waves. Captain Thunders landed last, crashing down on the deck with an enormous thud that shook the entire vessel to its wooden skeleton. 
A door flew open in the forecastle. The sailor who emerged took one look at the pirates advancing up the stairs towards him and, with a frightened squeal he slammed the door closed again.  Footsteps pattered away followed by distant screaming. Soon, a tiny hatch flew open in the deck. Captain Thunders seized the sailor who popped out, holding him aloft by the scruff of his neck with his feet dangling. The sailor’s teeth began to chatter like castanets. 
“GOTTCHA!” growled the Captain. “You scrawny bit’o shark bait.” He stuck his face right up to the sailor’s face showing him his row of glittering white teeth then chomped them down with a crash. “Now then you.” He gave the sailor another shake, making the fellow gibber with fright. “Tell me where your cargo is - the gold, the treasure, the gleaming gems.” 
The sailor’s eyes grew wider and he shook his head. 
“NO! what do you mean no?” Captain Thunders howled. “You won’t tell me? Then I’ll teach you how to fly.”   
“Not nnnnnno!” screamed the sailor. “I’d t-t-tell you if we had s-s-s-s-some gold, S-s-s-sir – but w-we aint got no g-g-gold, Sir.” The shivering sailor’s eyes were now as wide as portholes.
“Then tell me - what is your cargo, you quiverin’ barnacle?” snarled the Captain, breathing a cloud of quiche fumes all over him.
N-n-n-nuns, Sir,” stammered the shaking sailor, choking on the cheesy air.
Captain Thunders promptly dropped the man onto the deck. “NUNS?” he shrieked. “WHAT D’YA MEAN, NUNS?”
Hooknose seized the ring of the main deck hatch, raising it, whereupon twelve nuns popped up like blackbirds in a pie. The nuns began to climb out of the hold, their long black dresses tangling and tripping them as they clambered onto the deck and the pirates were treated to a display of red frilly bloomers.
“Go away, you horrid pirates!” ordered the tallest of the nuns pulling her white wimple straight. “We are nuns of the Sacred Order of St Brenda and as such are not afeared of you!” The nun squared her shoulders and held up an enormous wooden cross in the direction of Captain Thunders.
“I’M A PIRATE, NOT A BLIMMIN’ VAMPIRE!” he yelled angrily. A sudden golden glint caught the beady eye of Mr Spinks and he scampered over to the nuns, grabbing the cross from around one of the nun’s neck. He pulled and pulled but the nun hung on tightly to her cross.
“Get away you nasty little creature!” shrieked another nun jabbing a knitting needle into the back of the monkey’s small velveteen breeches. Mr Spinks screeched loudly. Whimpering, he bounded away, jumping to the safety of Hooknose’s shoulder, where he prattled crossly, rubbing his bottom. 
“You must have some treasure, all ships have treasure.” Captain Thunders stamped his foot angrily. He sniffed the air but his nose was still bunged up. He stomped across the deck, kicking things out of the way. Furiously, he lifted up boxes and barrels and flung them all over the place. But, as they burst open – each seemed to be full of tea, biscuits and knitting wool.
The shaking sailor was still quivering in a heap where Captain Thunders had dropped him. The Captain loomed over him, casting a shadow on the terrified fellow. Just as he was about to grab the sailor a bright yellow parrot with a blue crest flew past his shoulder. 
“A parrot!” cried the Captain. “Catch me that parrot! Now!” The pirates chased the parrot all over the Frigate. Finally Portuguese John caught it by throwing a sack over its head and he presented it proudly to the Captain.
“One parrot is sorry spoils for a ship such as this,” he huffed, slinging the sack over his shoulder and wrenching a hook free he jumped to the deck rail. 
 “Come men. Let us leave these penguins to their knitting,” he shouted. “Apart from one fine parrot - this is a useless ship.” 
He swung back across the waves, landing heavily on the deck of the Merry Mary. When the rest of the pirates had also returned and the small, but neat galleon set off again Captain Thunders opened the sack.
Squawk! Said the parrot, poking its head out and pecking the Captain on the end of his nose.
“OW!” he yelped, dropping the sack. Unlucky Pete picked it up. 
“Let me have a go, Cap’n,” he said. “I’m good with birds.” Pete opened the sack, there was a flash of bright yellow and the parrot flew straight into Pete’s face making him fall over backwards onto the deck. The parrot flapped its wings a few times, uttered a triumphant squawk and flew over the side of the ship. Captain Thunders raced to the deck rail; he stood there watching the rapidly disappearing yellow speck until it vanished from view. 
“I’ll give you good with birds…” he snarled, spinning round making ready to box Unlucky Pete’s ears. The Captain looked everywhere but Pete had mysteriously disappeared. 
He howled with disappointment. It had not been a good day. First there had been no treasure on board the Frigate. And then the yellow parrot had escaped almost as soon as it was caught. Someone would have to pay for this. Captain Thunders stamped both feet and growled. Hooknose was steering the ship. He stuck his nose high in the air when the Captain headed his way. 
“Bad tempers do not a gentleman make,” warned Hooknose sternly. Captain Thunders glowered at him, turned his back and kicked out the side out of a barrel that oozed rum all over the deck. He jumped up and down a few more times, kicked a couple of barrels over the side and stormed down the deck in a great big huff. As he paced again for the umpteenth time, the Captain began to feel queasy. The taste of quiche returned with a sharp cheesy rush, making him burp violently and causing the sails to billow outwards. His eyes crossed and overcome by dizziness, his knees buckled under his weight. He fell flat on his back in the middle of the deck in exactly the same spot where he had woken up earlier.
*
Alfie opened his eyes and saw a spider’s web on the ceiling. A tiny little spider was dangling from a silken rope hovering above his nose. He sat up, brushed the dust from his trousers, then carefully opened the door and looked out into the corridor - the coast was clear. Alfie ran down the corridor to his classroom and had only just settled himself on the bench when the door opened and Miss Pinches emerged.
“Well, Alfie,” she said, folding her arms across her silky lilac blouse. “I hope that this has been a lesson to you.” She frowned at him, her neat little eyebrows joining together in disapproval. “Do you understand now that having to sit outside in this draughty old corridor is a boring comparison to being inside the classroom learning interesting things?”
Alfie fought back a laugh. “Yes, Miss,” he squeaked. “It has been so very boring sitting out here.”
Chapter Seven
The Very Ugly Mermaid

Alfie Rains was tucked up warmly in his little bed. He could hear the clock on the wall endlessly tick tocking away the minutes. Finally, he heard the creak of the stairs as his parents came up them heading for bed.
After all had gone quiet inside the Rains’ house, Alfie whisked back his bedcovers and made a dive for the door. His little feet pattered silently down the carpeted stairs as he kept to the very edge avoiding all the creaky bits.
He opened the fridge door, scanning the shelves for signs of cheese. He eventually found some tucked away right at the very back. But, horror of horrors, it was blue cheese. Alfie’s nose crinkled up in disgust at the very thought of blue cheese. He searched and searched for plain old yellow cheese - but there was none to be found. With a sigh of rib raising proportions Alfie took the chunk of cheese and tip-toed back upstairs to his bedroom.
Under the covers, the smell of the blue cheese was unbearable. Alfie gritted his teeth and took a deep breath.
“Here goes,” he whispered, cramming in a big mouthful and chewing as fast as he could. GULP – it was strong and his eyes were watering. Almost as soon as he finished the cheese, Alfie burped. It was a very big burp and the violent expulsion made his nose run. Then he felt very hot and sweaty. Alfie burped once more, and with a ‘POP’ he was gone.
*
“Take a break from ye sleepin’ ways, Cap’n,” called out Portuguese John, “Thar’s a storm brewing up ahead, and make no mistakes about it.” 
Captain Thunders leapt out of his hammock (it was really two hammocks sewn together to fit his huge body and the pirates used it to drag him over the deck each time he passed out). Snatching the telescope away from Portuguese John’s eye, he scanned the horizon.
“ARRRR.” he growled, the noise rumbling up from deep inside his stomach. “Tis a’bad ‘un too, by the looks of it.” Billowing big, black clouds were rolling over the ocean at top speed towards the Merry Mary. The waves started to rock and roll, big drops of rain gushed out of the clouds and splattered all over the ship. Mr Spinks hated getting wet, he scampered over the deck and opened a locker, swiftly disappearing inside it to hide away from the burgeoning storm.
Spider Sam fought with the ship’s wheel trying to keep control of the vessel as the winds howled through the rigging. Vanessa clung onto the top of his hat with all eight of her legs, grumbling and muttering each time a raindrop soaked her furry body. Spider Sam took pity on his pet, lifting his hat he shook the raindrops from the soggy spider, popped her on his head and dropped the hat over her. 
Rain lashed the sails, the brutal wind whipped away the oilskin cloaks the pirates had donned, the towering waves soaked their clothes right through to the skin as they fought to keep the ship from sinking. Captain Thunders stood firm at the prow of the ship, his hands clamped to the deck rail. 
“GO AWAY!” he yelled at the storm. “DON’T BREAK MY SHIP!”
Almost at once, the winds dropped. The rain slowed down to a trickle and then turned off altogether. The sun came out and began to shine brightly upon the Merry Mary, raindrops sizzling on the deck as they dried up. The pirates began to remove their dripping wet cloaks. Very slowly Spider Sam’s hat rose up from his head, Vanessa’s legs appeared and she crawled down onto his shoulder.
Nathan gaped up at Captain Thunders in wonder.
“Wow, Master, you can truly command the powers of nature,” he gasped, eyes wide with awe.
“HAH!” crowed the triumphant Captain. “I HAVE SUPER POWERS! FOR I AM CAPTAIN THUNDERS - KING OF THE PIRATES!”
“Rubbish!” called a harsh voice from somewhere close by. The pirates began looking around but they could see no-one on deck aside from themselves.
“Was that you?” snarled Captain Thunders to Vanessa, who had skittered along the deck rail to see what all the fuss was about.
“No, but I wish it had been,” she hissed through her clenched fangs backing up along the rail, just in case the Captain’s ham sized fist came heading her way.
“It was me!” Once again, the loud, grating voice called out to them.
Captain Thunders looked over the side of the ship, and there paddling about, amidst the storm tossed froth, was a mermaid.
 “Popping prawns!” he said, gaping in surprise, “You are quite the ugliest mermaid I ever did see.”
“OY!” yelled the mermaid. “How dare you call me ugly! I will have you know that I was crowned the ‘Queen of the Waves’ back in ‘96” 
“What 1096?” Laughed Portuguese John clutching his stomach as he rolled about in the grip of a tide of mirth. “I’m glad I wasn’t there – just imagine what the others must have looked like. They must have been proper gargoyles make no mistake.”
Captain Thunders threw back his head, letting out a mighty roar of laughter.
“OY!” yelled the very ugly mermaid again. “Don’t be so nasty. Pirates are always so VERY rude.” She folded her flabby arms across the two barnacled scallop shells she wore as a top. A shark appeared and began circling her, as it grew closer the mermaid growled at it, baring her teeth. The shark went cross eyed with fear and, tail waving it swam away as quickly as a fired torpedo.
 “What do you want, o’vision of ugliness?” asked Captain Thunders staring down at the mermaid. 
“My name’s Merturtle if you don’t mind,” she called back huffily.
“Merturtle!” laughed Vanessa. “What a silly name.” She laughed so much her furry body rolled onto its back and she shook all her legs in the air.
“I know,” moaned Merturtle, “it should have been Myrtle - but my mother couldn’t spell it.” The mermaid pushed her hands through her frizzy yellow hair and puffed it out so she looked just like a dandelion head. Aside from Hooknose, who had taken over steering, the pirates were now all hanging over the side of the ship looking down at her. Merturtle pouted her big rubbery lips until the top one touched the end of her lumpy nose, her cheeks crinkled and her tiny little eyes almost disappeared into her face. 
“I think she’s smiling,” hissed Nathan to Portuguese John.
“Yuck,” said John. Merturtle tipped them a most alarming wink.
Captain Thunders laughed at her. “Got something in your eye, ‘ave you?” 
 “You think you’re so blinking clever don’t you?” Hissed Merturtle. “Well let me tell you something Mr Big and Ugly Pirate – you didn’t stop that storm, it stopped itself – so there – what do you think of that? Eh? Eh?” She pointed at Captain Thunders and then at the sky, cackling crazily and showing a mouthful of crooked teeth.
The big smirk on Captain Thunders’ face fell away. He really had thought that he’d commanded the storm to stop raging and bitter disappointment swamped him as he frowned down on the mermaid. He had so badly wanted to have super powers. 
Mr Spinks came running over to Captain Thunders, climbed up his breeches and sat on his shoulder chattering and waving a small finger at Merturtle. Then he rummaged in his pockets and began to rain walnut shells down upon her head. Merturtle screamed, ducking under the waves until the onslaught of nutshells had stopped falling.
Captain Thunders laughed. He patted Mr Spinks on his small furry head.
“Good job Mr Spinks,” he said, wondering, if perhaps, the monkey wasn’t quite so bad after all. 
“Hey!” called out Merturtle re-emerging from the waves. “I couldn’t help noticing that you don’t have a figurehead.” She pointed at the front of the ship. “I could do with a job. I haven’t had much luck with the beauty contests lately.”
“I’m not surprised,” sniggered Vanessa. “You ought to try entering an ugly contest instead, ha, ha.”
“OY!” yelled Merturtle, shaking her fist in fury until her sea shells rattled like a basket full of clockwork false teeth. “How dare you say that to me? I will have you know that I am still very comely for my age.”
“And how old would that be exactly?” shouted Portuguese John.
 “Four hundred and seventy,” came the reply. “And you should never ask a lady her age – it’s rude! So, how about it then – can I be your figurehead?”
“No, you jolly well can’t!” replied Captain Thunders firmly. “My ship needs a beautiful figurehead. Have you considered fronting a dredger?”
 “Hey Master,” giggled Nathan. “You could always change the name of the ship to ‘the mouldy mermaid’!” 
“Oh, oh, I’ve got one,” chirped Vanessa jiggling about on the deck rail. “How about ‘the unsightly siren’?”
“No!” howled Unlucky Pete. “The hideous sea hag.” 
At a wave from Hooknose, Pete ran over to take the ship’s wheel so that Hooknose could join in the fun.
“HAR-DE-HAR!” Captain Thunders roared with laughter, thumping his chest and wiping tears from his eyes. Mr Spinks jumped up and down on his shoulder shrieking with glee.
“We do need a figurehead, Captain,” said Hooknose joining the little cluster of pirates at the rail.  “It is bad luck to travel abroad without a figurehead. In point of fact, it may be the lack of one which caused our problem with the nuns and the lost parrot.” 
Hooknose twiddled his fine moustaches, regarding the vision of Merturtle picking her nose and wiping it in her frizzy yellow hair with a pained expression across his craggily handsome face. Mr Spinks leapt from Captain Thunders’ shoulder across to his master’s. He started to curl one side of Hooknose’s glossy moustaches into an even tighter twirl, chattering happily the while.
“I bring good luck - and I’m really good at spotting ships,” called out Merturtle who was desperately trying to up-sell herself in order to get the job.
Captain Thunders cranked up one of his hairy black eyebrows. What Hooknose had said made sense. He still hadn’t forgotten their first attempt at piracy, and those accursed nuns.
“Haul her up lads, and we’ll give her a test run.” Just as Captain Thunders said these words he started to feel rather giddy.
*
Before he knew it, Alfie Rains had woken up in his own little bed. 
Chapter Eight
The Island of Despair

It was lunchtime at Alfie’s school and he was prowling around the playground looking for terrible Trixie – and there she was! Alfie ran towards her, stopping behind her back and grinning. 
“HEY TRIXIE!” he yelled at the top of his voice.
“WHAAA?” howled Trixie in fright. She turned around, her red curls flopping over her eyes.
“ALFIE!” she spat the word out viciously, and then recovered her normal expression, pouting her pretty little pink, rosebud lips.
“What have you got in your sandwiches, Trixie?” Alfie put on his sweetest most engaging voice, dodging away from her offered kiss. Trixie looked puzzled and opened her purple stripy lunchbox to peek under a sandwich lid.
“Cheese,” she said. Alfie knew full well that Trixie always had cheese sandwiches on Tuesdays and he knew he would have to be nice to her to get one.
“Want to swap?” he suggested examining his grubby fingernails.
“What have you got?” asked Trixie, suspiciously.
“Chocolate spread,” Alfie replied, smiling enticingly at her.
“OOO!” squeaked Trixie in delight. “That is my most favourite sandwich filling in all the whole wide world. My mummy won’t let me have chocolate spread because she says it’s very bad for my pearly white teeth.” Trixie bared her fine white gnashers in a startling grimace. Alfie cringed.
“How sad for you,” he said through his own gritted teeth. Trixie blushed and tried to kiss his cheek but Alfie ducked away just in time and offered her his foil wrapped sandwiches instead. 
As soon as the cheese sandwiches were handed over, Alfie ran away. He zoomed across the school yard to hide, ducking behind the compost bins then disappearing into the gap between them and the wall where an old crate lay on its side. Alfie turned it over and sat down to unpack Trixie’s sandwiches. They were cut into dainty little squares with the crusts cut off and he munched them quickly. Alfie put his hands on his knees and waited quietly for something to happen. All of a sudden beads of sweat sprang up on his brow, rolling down into his eyes.
“Phew!” he said wiping his head with the back of his hand. A sudden burp burst forth, frightening a nearby pigeon which flew up with a coo of surprise. Alfie slumped from the crate onto the ground landing in an untidy little heap on the ground.
*
 He woke up to the sound of a raucous voice shouting loudly. Captain Thunders sat up in his hammock and tried to see what was happening.
 “A ship, Captain! A ship!” Merturtle was yelling from her place at the prow of the Merry Mary. The pirates had fashioned the mermaid a wooden seat from where she could sit, waving her scabby tail, scanning the waves for likely looking ships to raid.
Captain Thunders jumped out of his hammock, almost squashing Mr Spinks who was sitting beneath it counting out his walnut shells. He ran to join the rest of the crew who were leaning on the deck rail, looking seaward. 
“Oh, there it be!” cried the Captain, pointing. “A good big one too and I’ll be bound if thar’s no gold in her hold.”  The ship was a fine galleon with a fat, bulging hull rising out of the waves as she glided across the sparkling, briny sea.
“Much gold indeed in her flanks, I think, Master,” said Nathan, staring hard through the eye glass. 
“ARRRR,” rumbled Captain Thunders happily. He was impatient to board the ship, eager to lay his hands on some treasure at last. “Bring us in tight, Spider Sam, spin that wheel, Vanessa.” Spider Sam spun the ship’s wheel so fast Vanessa flew off, landing with a plop on the deck.
“Hey, watch it! That’s no way to treat a lady. And you can push off too!” She hissed crossly at Mr Spinks, who’d scampered up for a better look. Vanessa bared her impressively sharp fangs and turned her eyes red with yellow spots. Gibbering in fear, Mr Spinks turned tail and fled towards the nearest locker to hide. He shut the door with a bang and Vanessa smirked triumphantly.
It was a breezy day and very soon the sleek and speedy Merry Mary drew alongside the big galleon. The grappling hooks were thrown over the side and fastened the hapless ship in tight. Within seconds the crew of pirates had swarmed over the side, swinging over the sea onto the deck of the other ship. Each of the pirates had a long knife in his belt and a cutlass held between his teeth. Hooknose had two cutlasses, one for each hand. The crew of the galleon were soon located and battle commenced. 
SWISH! THUMP! WHACK! 
Very soon, most of the other ship’s crew had jumped over the side, preferring to fall into the waves crashing far below and take their chances with the circling sharks than to die at a pirate’s hand.
Unlucky Pete opened the hold and whistled loud and long.
“Lookee here, shipmates,” he said after an appreciative pause. “We have struck gold this time and in grand abundance too.”
The pirates stood in silence surveying the scores of treasure chests piled up high in the hold. There was more gold and jewels than they could have dreamt up in a year full of Saturdays. 
“Thar’s too much plunder to transfer to the Merry Mary, Master,” said Nathan, jumping into the hold to count the treasure chests. “We’ll have to sail her to your treasure trove.”
“EH?” said Captain Thunders. “My what?”
“Treasure trove, Sir – it’s where you keeps your treasure, Sir.”
“Oh,” said the Captain, thinking there was still much to learn about being a pirate. “I guess that would be the island where I found my first lot of treasure. It was an island with pure white sands and towering cliffs pointing to the sky like fingers. There was a vast jungle surrounding mountains that cut through the clouds - and it had a big cave with a giant crab in it.”
Hooknose’s neatly trimmed eyebrows disappeared under the brim of his hat. “I fear you are talking about the Island of Despair, Captain,” he said. “Are you sure you want to keep your treasure trove on the Island of Despair?”
“YES!” stormed Captain Thunders, who hated anyone questioning his decisions. “It’s a great place to have a treasure trove. Surely, no-one else would ever want to go to the Island of Despair.” He folded his arms across his chest, pulling an expression which made him look even uglier than usual.
“Err, Cap’n,” said Unlucky Pete. “Didn’t you just say you found your first treasure on the Island of Despair? Doesn’t that mean someone else did use it first? OUCH!” he howled as the Captain grabbed him, hauling him up by his cutlass strap and with three big strides he’d hung him on a rigging hook on the mast.
“Cut me down!” cried Unlucky Pete wriggling his legs. Mr Spinks chattered in delight and ran straight up the mast where he pulled Unlucky Pete’s woolly hat off his head and pulled it down over his own little red hat. But the woolly hat was far too big for Mr Spinks; it dropped over the monkey’s eyes, slowly slipping over his head until he couldn’t see. It covered his arms, trapping them until the heavy bobble toppled the monkey from the mast and he fell onto the deck with a splat. Mr Spinks panicked. He tried to rip the hat from his head, his claws tangled in the wool and he rolled over and over on the deck, shrieking and gibbering. The pirates burst out laughing. They laughed and laughed until tears rolled cleanly down their grubby cheeks. Vanessa capered around on the ship’s wheel, giggling happily at Mr Spinks’ plight. With a few long-legged strides Hooknose reached his monkey. Lifting the gibbering little fellow he carefully unhooked each of his claws and freed him. Mr Spinks jumped onto his master’s shoulder, hiding his face under Hooknose’s neckerchief and whickering pitifully.  
Hooknose and Mr Spinks took charge of the Merry Mary’s wheel while Spider Sam and Vanessa sailed the big galleon to the Island of Despair. All through the night the two ships cut through the waves, buffeted by the strong winds helping them on their way. 
At last the Island of Despair came into view. Its silvery white beaches glimmering in welcome as the sun crept pinkly over the horizon. Captain Thunders jumped over the side of the ship, landing in the shallow waters he waded towards the shore. His legs were so long and powerful it didn’t take him very long to reach the rocks by the cave. 
“Very impressive, I’m sure.” Merturtle simpered, flapping her scabby tail along by the side of him. 
Captain Thunders sneered at her.  “More impressive than you’ll ever be, you crinkled crone,” he said spitefully.
“You can talk – you big, lumbering luggard.” Merturtle winched her tail onto a rock and began to comb out her frizzy mass of hair. The shell comb stuck instantly in the knotty yellow tangle and she had to wrestle it free. Captain Thunders left her to it, jumping over the rocks in a series of huge bounds. 
The Captain checked behind him. The big galleon’s anchor had been thrown out and Spider Sam was sliding down it into a waiting rowing boat. The rest of the crew of the Merry Mary were busy pulling in alongside, roping the two ships together. Soon the pirates had filled the rowing boat with treasure chests and the first batch was steered towards the cave. 
“Why’s it called the Island of Despair?” asked Captain Thunders looking at Hooknose who seemed to know something about nearly everything.
“It’s the air on the island, Captain,” replied Hooknose. “It’s poisoned by mercury in the silvery white sands sending everyone into a spiralling madness if they stay too long.” Captain Thunders raised his eyebrows. He was impressed. Hooknose really did know everything.
“Master,” called Nathan from inside the cave. “I can’t see.”
Captain Thunders’ smiled. He stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out his massive ruby. He popped it on top of his hat and walked into the cave.
“Wow,” said Nathan as the walls of the cave glowed red. “That’s amazing. Has it got batteries? EEEK a crab!” 
The enormous crab had heard the commotion and had come skittering along the rock floor of the tunnel to find out what was happening. Captain Thunders marched forwards.
“Hello Mr Snippy,” he said advancing towards it. “So, we meet again,” He began to run at the crab, which rotated rapidly and clattered away as fast as it could go.
“And don’t come back until we’ve finished,” The Captain shouted dusting off his hands. Nathan pointed hopefully to a large treasure chest he’d been trying to carry by himself.
“Here,” said Captain Thunders to Nathan, plonking the massive ruby onto Nathan’s silly little hat. “You can borrow this - I’m going to relax on the rocks.”
Captain Thunders took his rest, tilting his hat over his eyes he fell asleep. A short while later something touched the tip of his bulbous nose, making him sit up crossly.
“Hey!” he shouted. At that very moment a bright green and red parrot swooped down and dive bombed his head.
“GERROFF!” yelled the Captain, waving his arms to stop the excited parrot from pecking him. Suddenly he realised it was the same parrot he’d hit with the padlock when he was on the island the last time he visited. Clearly the parrot was intent upon revenge. 
“Good gracious me, Sir. If I’m not mistaken that is a St Andrews’ Green,” Hooknose had put down the chest he was carrying and was admiring the circling bird. “It’s a very rare parrot indeed.”
“Gold and jewels. It’s a lighthouse!” squawked the parrot heading beak first for Captain Thunders’ hat again. 
“Why’s it saying that, Master? asked Nathan looking puzzled.
“Not a clue,” replied Captain Thunders, ducking away from the hurtling bird. “Gerrof! C’mere you pesky parrot.” He grabbed at it, finally catching it by its tail feathers, pulling it close so he could stare at it.
“Wow, it’s a lighthouse,” said the parrot, wriggling. “Gerrof.”
Captain Thunders beamed. He had always wanted a parrot, now he felt like a proper pirate at last. He put the parrot on his shoulder. But with a loud squawk it flew away.
“Hey!” yelled the Captain in dismay. “Come back here, you barmy bird!” It landed on a nearby rock, cawing crossly at him. Captain Thunders scratched his head then began to climb over the rocks towards it.  
Suddenly there was a lot of shrieking and squawking and a whirling mass of fur and feathers rolled across the seaweed strewn rocks. Mr Spinks and the parrot were tumbling over and over, pecking and poking at one another. Hooknose gracefully vaulted over a treasure chest and picked them both up by the scruffs of their necks.
“Bad, Mr Spinks!” he said, turning to his monkey. Mr Spinks chattered forlornly, he hated being told off by his beloved master. Hooknose put the monkey down and Mr Spinks slunk away, his little shoulders rounded with shame.
“And as for you, Mr Parrot,” said Hooknose sternly to the bird while gently stroking its soft green head. “You will have to learn to behave well for this is your new master,” he pointed to the Captain. “This is Humungous Thunders, Captain of the Merry Mary. Say ‘Hello, Captain’.”
“’Ello, Captain,” squawked the parrot obediently, clearly deeply impressed by Hooknose, who was now plumping up its red crest which had become flat and battered in the tussle with Mr Spinks.
“Now, Mr Parrot,” said Hooknose, rubbing the parrot’s curved beak. “You must do whatever your master tells you or I’ll set my monkey on you. Do you understand?”
“’Ello, Captain,” squawked the parrot again, swivelling its head around to look at Captain Thunders.
“Here, parrot,” called the Captain patting his shoulder invitingly. Hooknose smiled at the parrot and very slowly he released his grip. The parrot flew straight to Captain Thunders’ shoulder where it turned around three times to settle itself then gave a little chirrup. The Captain smiled happily, he had a real live parrot at last and felt full of delight and pride - he was also full of cheese and suddenly felt very sick, his thoughts began to swim about wildly like little fishes in a rock pool. He staggered backwards and fell into the shallow water with a mighty splash.
*
Seconds later Alfie Rains woke up on the ground behind the compost bins, there was a pigeon sitting on his chest.  
“Coo!” said the pigeon.
Chapter Nine
Grandma Rains

“Do sit up straight, Alfie,” said his mother who was in frantic mode rushing around the house, overcharged with energy. “Grandma Rains will be here any minute – please be good.”
“Yes, Mum,” muttered Alfie, sitting on the stairs. His mother raced by then stopped, licked her fingers and used them to plaster his wayward fringe to his forehead.
“Yuck!” he said.
“Stay still Alfie,” said his mother as he cringed away from her dabbing fingers. 
Ding dong, said the doorbell. Grandma Rains had arrived.
“Come in, Delores,” said Alfie’s mother, opening the door. “I have a lovely tea all ready for you.” She ushered Grandma Rains into the very tidy parlour. Alfie trailed in after them. 
“Dust!” announced Grandma Rains in a loud voice as she ran one of her white gloved fingers along the top of a picture frame. Alfie watched his mother’s cheeks flush bright red with embarrassment.
“I must have missed that bit. I’m so sorry Delores. I’ll get a duster immediately to clean it up.” His mother scuttled away leaving Alfie staring up at his grandmother. She stripped off her gloves and put them inside her large crocodile skin handbag, closing the clasp with a sharp snap. 
“Now, young man,” boomed Grandma Rains clamping a large wrinkled hand onto his shoulder. He tried to wriggle away but she had a grip like a vice. “It’s nice to see you looking smart for a change. Are you doing well at school?” Alfie nodded.
“Speak to me, boy,” ordered Grandma Rains fiercely. “I cannot abide the nodding of heads.”
“Yes, Grandma, very well,” he squeaked, wishing his mother would hurry back with that dratted duster.  
When it was time to eat, Alfie sat quietly down at the table. He glanced around at the food spread out all over the neat, white tablecloth. His mother was darting in and out of the room putting more and more food onto the already groaning table. 
Alfie’s eyebrows shot up into his fringe. A plate of cheese sandwiches had appeared, and a cheese flan. He began plotting – the flan was less obviously cheesy than the sandwiches and his mother was so rattled by the presence of Grandma Rains, she may well not notice if he ate some. Alfie bided his time.
“What on earth is this, Lorraine?” Grandma Rains was pointing a craggy finger at a white china dish with something pink and wobbly piled inside it. 
“Its taramasalata, Delores,” answered Alfie’s mother. She looked very flustered and her cheeks were beginning to patch with red.
“Yes, but what is it?” persisted Grandma Rains, poking her finger into the gooey paste.
“It’s made from fish eggs, garlic, olive oil, and…”
“MUCK!” shrieked Grandma Rains. “I don’t eat MUCK.” She made a little piff piffing sound with her pursed up lips, before wiping her finger clean on a crisp white napkin while Alfie’s mother looked on, aghast. 
Alfie knew this was his chance. He reached out across the table towards the flan and quickly drew out a large cut slice. He knew if he picked the squishy flan up in his fingers and ate it Grandma Rains would be sure to notice and would tell him off,  immediately alerting his mother to his intentions. He gently picked up his knife and fork, swiftly cutting the slice of soft, squishy flan into small pieces. He popped the first square into his mouth. Grandma Rains didn’t seem to have noticed for she was still too busy moaning about the taramasalata. Very neatly Alfie popped the other pieces of flan one after another into his mouth. He chewed very fast, swallowing like a hungry frog eating flies. The flan was very cheesy. Alfie gave a little cough. He felt hot and sweaty and his stomach had started to rumble and growl beneath the table. He could feel an enormous burp rising up his throat. He looked over at Grandma Rains and stuffed the end of the table cloth into his mouth, hoping to stop the big burp he knew was on its way. Then he held his mouth tightly shut with both hands and waited.
WHARP! Despite the chunk of tablecloth he had crammed in to muffle the sound, the burp rushed out of his mouth with a deafening noise.
POP, Alfie’s chair toppled over and he collapsed backwards. As he fell, the big white tablecloth came with him and all the dishes of food bounced up into the air.
*
Captain Thunders awoke in his hammock. The parrot was perched on the end of his big nose, its claws digging in painfully.
“OW!” howled the Captain, pushing the parrot away from his throbbing nose.
“Ow,” mimicked the parrot, promptly pecking Captain Thunders on his hand.
“Oh, go away!” moaned the Captain, crossly shoving the bird away. “Leave me alone, you stupid parrot.”
“Stupid parrot, stupid parrot!” it squawked landing on his knee. 
“He knows his name,” sniggered Vanessa skittering down the ropes of the hammock.
Captain Thunders realised he didn’t yet have a name for his parrot; and he wondered what to call him.
 “You need a name, parrot,” he said waggling a sausage-like finger at the bird. He tried to catch the parrot by its tail, but it twirled around and pecked at the gold braid on the Captain’s breeches. “Now what’s a good name for a parrot, I wonder? Shall I call you Pretty Polly perhaps?” The parrot flew upwards squawking in dismay. The Captain scratched his head. “People always say ‘as sick as a parrot’ so I think I’ll call you, ‘Queasy’ – and you’re green too making it a perfect name for you.”
The parrot squawked and fluttered about making lots of noise. Vanessa put several of her feet up to her ears to muffle the racket.
“Make him shut up!” she moaned.
“Shut up, Queasy!” ordered Captain Thunders, frowning at the bird. He jumped out of his hammock with a mighty leap. “Come here, Queasy.” He pointed to his shoulder. The brightly coloured bird flew straight over, landing neatly on his jacket.
“Good Queasy, pretty Queasy,” cooed the Captain to his pet.
“Ship ahoy!” called Portuguese John from his place far up in the crow’s nest.
Merturtle – who should really have seen the ship first, was fast asleep, snoring her head off on the wooden seat at the prow of the ship. She woke up with a loud snorting noise, sounding very much like a startled pig.
 “Wassat?” she asked loudly. “Wisssa ship?” She swivelled wildly around and nearly fell off her seat. “Oh, there it is in front of us. Oy Captain – there’s a ship over there.”  Merturtle wiggled her sea shells back into place for they had slipped a bit while she had been asleep. She wiped the dribble from her cheek with the back of her hand and wiped it in her frizzy hair. Yes, Merturtle really was a most attractive mermaid - but only if it was pitch black, in a cave, and you had your eyes closed.
Captain Thunders ran to the prow of the ship and scanned the horizon. Queasy the parrot flew up from his shoulder in alarm. A big splat of whatever it had eaten for breakfast splashed onto the Captain’s hat.
“Ha ha,” laughed Vanessa. “I guess we can call you ‘Craptin’ now – whoa!” She jumped out of the way as the Captain swished his hat at her. Queasy the parrot squawked in fright then circled over head crying loudly “Craptin, craptin, craptin,”  
“Bad parrot! Naughty Queasy!” yelled Captain Thunders. He hurled a barrel at the parrot, but it missed and flew over the side of the ship landing with a big splash in the waves below.
“That were the last of the rum!” wailed Nathan miserably, watching the barrel sinking until just a few bubbles were left on the surface. Captain Thunders shoved Nathan out of the way and began to shout at the top of his voice. A flock of seagulls flew up from the sails in alarm and several black clouds scuttled quickly across the sky. 
 “PREPARE THE SHIP! HOIST THE JOLLY ROGER – LET’S GO A PIRATING!” He began to whirl his cutlass in circles round his head, almost chopping off the end of the parrot’s tail.
“Hoist the Jolly Roger, prepare the ship,” echoed Queasy landing on some rigging, well out of the way of Captain Thunders’ whirling blade.
Spider Sam gave the ship’s wheel a mighty twirl and the Merry Mary sailed in closer and closer to the other ship. It was a medium sized schooner and as soon as they drew alongside, quick as a flash the shiny silver grappling hooks whizzed across the gap and, clunk, clunk, clunk, they anchored themselves firmly onto the schooner’s deck. The terrified sailors on the other ship frantically tried to prise the hooks off, but the pirates were already flying through the air on their ropes and had landed amongst them before they could make good their escape. 
“Avast ye, me hearties!” called Captain Thunders as best he could through his mouthful of cutlass. “Prepare to die – you luckless lubbers!” Lots of yelling ensued as the sailors all ran for their lives. Captain Thunders’ feet made the deck shake as he pounded about swooping and plucking sailors from their feet, hurling each one over the side into the sea. The pirates heard the splish, splash, spolsh as the sailors landed in the waves far below.
Nathan found some barrels of rum, prising one open he drained it dry almost in one gulp. “AHHHH!” he said, wiping the dribbles from his bristly chin and slumping drunkenly down onto the deck.
 “Master!” called out Unlucky Pete. “I can’t find any treasure. You had better catch one of those sailors to find out where they’ve hidden it.” 
Captain Thunders had just aimed a big kick at the last sailor in sight. The man flew high into the air and plummeted into the hungry sea landing with a big SPLASH, rapidly sinking beneath the waves.
“TARNATION!” he cursed. “Blast me breeches. Where’s all the lovely gold?” 
He sniffed the air suspiciously then whirled around. A small chattering sound made him look up. Mr Spinks was swinging on a rope from the mainsail, shrieking and gibbering excitedly. All the way up Mr Spinks’ hairy little arms glittered jewelled bracelets and golden bangles. 
“C’mere you thievin’ monkey!” howled the frantic Captain, reaching up high he tried to grab Mr Spinks down from the ropes. But the nimble little monkey swung out and dropped softly to the deck where he smartly jumped over the snoring Nathan bounding towards a cooking funnel rising up from the galley below. With an agile leap he disappeared inside it, the sound of his chattering echoing back up to the deck.
“Look!” yelled the Captain. “That monkey has found the treasure – go and fetch him, one of you!” Unlucky Pete and Portuguese John dived after Mr Spinks, bumping heads when they both tried to peer inside the funnel at the very same moment.
“OW!” they cried, also at the very same moment. The two pirates stepped backwards rubbing their sore heads. Mr Spinks popped out of the funnel wearing a golden coronet covered in rubies. It was perched crookedly over the top of his hat. He chattered happily, hopped out and bounced away over the deck. Portuguese John took his chance and leaned into the funnel for a closer look.
“The treasure’s down here, Cap’n!” his voice echoed out of the funnel in strange muffled tone. “It’s all in a great big net. I’ll just haul it up on deck.” Portuguese John reached deep into the funnel, huffing and puffing as he tried to grab the treasure. Suddenly he slipped and began to disappear inside the funnel. Unlucky Pete dived towards his vanishing feet, seized them and began to heave. Very slowly, Portuguese John began to reappear and then his rounded stomach jammed tightly, wedging him inside the slim funnel. Captain Thunders marched towards them and elbowed Unlucky Pete out of the way. He grabbed Portuguese John’s wiggling feet and yanked them hard. Portuguese John came out of the funnel with a loud POP like a champagne cork exiting a bottle. He shot backwards. In his hand he’d been holding the end of the net, which flew out after him and opened, strewing heaps and heaps of glittering gold and jewellery everywhere. Some rained down upon the deck while other pieces landed on rigging and in barrels. The pirates rushed after the treasure, scooping up big handfuls and calling out gleefully to one another. 
Hooknose stood back admiring a fine diamond through the magnifying glass he wore on a cord around his neck.
“It’s not a grand haul,” said Hooknose. “But it’s all good stuff, Captain.” 
The Captain was busy filling up his coat pockets with gold doubloons. Mr Spinks was chattering happily to himself high up on the mast, the coronet was still perched crookedly atop his small red hat. The Captain eyed Mr Spinks. The gleam of the rubies in the coronet had caught his eye – oh, how he wanted to wear that coronet. He stomped across the deck, the boards shaking under his weight. He grasped a rope and pulled hard. The shocked little monkey bounced skyward, tangling his arms and legs in the rigging to stop his fall he came to a halt but the golden coronet flew off his head landing neatly in Captain Thunders’ outstretched hand.
Back on the deck of the Merry Mary, Captain Thunders was swaying in his hammock drinking from a big flagon of rum. He poured a splash into a tiny golden cup and offered it to Mr Spinks. The monkey eyed the Captain suspiciously. The temptation of the rum was stronger than his fear and he advanced forward lapping up the golden liquid. 
“Hic,” said Mr Spinks. Captain Thunders grinned and poured out another splash of rum. Mr Spinks had soon guzzled several cups of rum and was beginning to feel very jolly indeed. He climbed down the front of the ship to where Merturtle was sound asleep, chuffing like a steam train coming into a station. Within a few seconds there was a shriek of pain and big howl from the mermaid. Mr Spinks whizzed back over the side onto the deck and clutched in his tiny little hand was a big, yellow frizzy wig. Captain Thunders roared with laughter as Merturtle pulled her rope and swung onto the deck landing with a big wet slap. The Captain howled in delight – save from a few strings of bright green glue Merturtle’s head was completely bald.
“Give it back, you flea bitten little blighter!” the outraged mermaid screamed at Mr Spinks. She wiggled her scabby tail about trying to move towards the monkey who was now wearing the wig and capering about doing a little dance. Portuguese John and Unlucky Pete popped up from the hold where they had been playing cards. When they saw Mr Spinks leaping around in the wig they both shrieked with laughter until they had to hold their aching sides. Pete laughed so hard he caught his foot on a rope and fell over backwards. 
Spider Sam and Vanessa had been sharing a large box of candied fruit they’d found on the schooner, they stopped eating to giggle at their shipmate’s antics. Hooknose was leaning on the ship’s wheel, a look of amusement gracing his tanned face.
Captain Thunders looked about him at his cavorting crew. Queasy the parrot was on his shoulder. He had riches in abundance all hidden safely on the Island of Despair and he felt so happy he thought he may burst with joy. Everything was just perfect in Pirate World with nothing to spoil it. Just as he let out a sigh of pleasure, his enormous cheeks flamed bright red and he began to sweat. He tried to wipe it out of his eyes but fell over Unlucky Pete and was soon snoring so loudly he shook the mast.
*
Alfie opened his eyes and sat up. He was on the squashy parlour sofa with cushions piled around him.
“Oh, Alfie,” said his mother pushing him back down. “Thank goodness you’re okay.” 
Behind his mother, Alfie could see Grandma Rains and she looked furious. He wondered if it could be anything to do with the fact that her beautifully coifed, blue-rinsed hair was absolutely covered in bright pink taramasolata. Alfie wriggled away from his mother and leapt off the sofa, dodging across the room. Grandma Rains side-stepped into the doorway to block his exit. She planted each of her big feet in their dark brown lace up shoes and threw out her arms trying to catch him but Alfie ducked through her legs, under the folds of dark green and fawn tartan skirt. She creaked forward trying to grab him but Alfie was out the other side and racing down the hallway towards the front door. 
He pulled at the handle, his greasy fingers slipping on the big brass knob. But luckily for him it unlocked and he ran outside, the sounds of his mother and grandmother shouting still ringing in his ears. Alfie rushed down the driveway and out into the street.
BANG! He ran full pelt straight into terrible Trixie who was skipping on the grass. She smiled a wicked little smile, flung her arms around his neck and planted a big, wet kiss right on his mouth - smack! 
“Yuck!” shrieked poor Alfie squirming out of her grip. He spun around and frantically wiped his mouth on his sleeve. There were some giggles coming from behind him. 
“Yuck, yuck! Blergh!” Said Alfie in disgust. After he had finished wiping away the Trixie kiss, Alfie realised Trixie had gone very quiet and he turned around to see what she was doing. 
Trixie Tracy Buttercup Fleming was pulling a strange expression with her cheeks puffed out and her red curls plastered to her forehead.
Burp! She went even redder in the face. Burp, burp, burp. There was a loud POP and Trixie’s dainty little legs folded underneath her until she curled up like a fawn on the grass. Alfie clapped his hands over his mouth and uttered a horrified moan.
“Trixie!” He said bending down and shaking her hard by the shoulders – but Trixie didn’t move. 
Alfie sat back and put his hands over his mouth again.
“Oh no!” he murmured. He knew those red cheeks, that sweaty brow and that cheesy smelling burp. Alfie gulped.  He shook Trixie again and all over her face spread a great big smile as if she was having the most wonderful of dreams. Alfie shook her again until her curls started bouncing.  
“Come back,” he cried. “Come back, Trixie!” But it was too late, for Alfie knew with a sinking dread where Trixie had gone. She’d vanished away to Pirate World and in his current cheese-less state he couldn’t hope to follow her. 

Journey’s End

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