Successful Kids The 5 Secrets Every Parent Must Know About Educating Their Children in the 21st Century Beth Walker & Honorée Corder Published by Leading Edge Publishing, LLC at Smashwords.com. Copyright 2011 ©Leading Edge Publishing, LLC, Honorée Corder, and Beth Walker All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission of the publisher, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review. Smashwords Edition, License Notes This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may be given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please feel free! Thank you for sharing the hard work of these authors with others who will benefit as you have benefitted. ISBN Pending Discover other titles by Beth Walker & Honorée Corder at http://www.smashwords.com. Disclaimer This publication represents the opinion of the author regarding the subject matter covered. It is for educational purposes only. The publisher and author neither imply nor intend any guarantee of accuracy. Every effort has been made to make this book as complete and accurate as possible but to err is human and this publication was created by a human being. This publication is offered with the understanding that neither the publisher nor the author is engaged in rendering legal, tax, accounting, investment, education or other professional services; nor is this information intended to be a substitute for such services. Please seek competent professional advice should such counsel be appropriate or necessary for your individual circumstances. Many factors will influence your actual results and no guarantees are made that you will achieve results similar to those shared within this publication or anybody else’s. In fact, no guarantees are made that you will achieve any results from the ideas, tools and techniques presented. Each individual’s success will be determined by his or her desire, dedication, persistence, talents, and resources employed in the process of earning an education. The author and publisher disclaim any liability, loss or risk taken by individuals who act on the information contained within this publication. And now that the lawyers are happy, let’s get on with the good stuff! ~~~~***~~~~ Table of Contents Intro from Honorée Intro from Beth How Do You Think about Education? Choosing to Allow Consequences Organization is Key Good Old Fashioned Grit How DO You Learn, Exactly? Final Review Conclusion Who is Beth? Who is Honorée? ~~~~***~~~~ Intro from Honorée My job as an executive coach is to help the professionals I work with become more effective and efficient, thereby making them more money in less time, so they can actually enjoy the lives they are living. A novel concept, I know. What I know for sure is that while these professionals know their core competencies inside and out. What they don’t know: the simple, basic concepts that would allow them to have more of what they want, and less of what they don’t, is costing them incalculable dollars and precious minutes. If your children learn these very basics: how to maximize their time, get organized and make decisions from a powerful position, ultimately they means they will be happier, more fulfilled and in turn, won’t that make you happier? Wouldn’t it be great if they end up doing what they love? If they woke up every morning full of gratitude for life, career, even the contributions they’re making to the world? We all want the best for our kids, and in our minds, making our kids get a college degree in a field where they are less than blissed out, just isn’t an option. This eBook gives you the five most important things for you to do, right now, to make the most of your kid’s college experience and your dollars. Honorée C. Corder ~~~~***~~~~ Intro from Beth Let me begin by providing a framework for what is to follow… My business is to save parents tens of thousands of dollars while sending their kids to college. And what I’ve learned about saving parents money is that it pays to invest time and energy in the students because they are more than half of the funding equation for college. That’s right… the kid actually determines how much you will “save” on college. With that said, understand that the information I’m sharing in this book is the result of having worked with hundreds of families of college-bound students, enduring their trials, tribulations, and triumphs, reading dozens of books regarding education, study skills, career planning, and the like, and spending a considerable amount of time determining how the elements of education, finance, and parenting intersect to discover the “sweet spot” for success. What this book reflects is my filtering of the facts from the fiction – the things that actually matter and deserve your attention. I know how busy you are; I know you don’t have time for more trial and error. This is my attempt to boil it down to the most important, most critical “must haves” and get them on your radar in a meaningful way. What you will learn is that what matters is quite simple. It’s just not easy. And so we begin… Beth V. Walker ~~~~***~~~~ How Do You Think about Education? The first secret you need to know about educating your kids in the 21st century is that we need to change the way we think about education. How we as parents, and how our kids as students think about, talk about, approach, and “do school” has to change. Simply put, our kids do not “get” an education, they earn it. Teachers do not bestow knowledge upon our kids, they are merely guides in the process of our children teaching themselves. In effect, every child is “homeschooled.” Parents always have been – and always will be – the primary teachers. Some of us just choose to outsource much of the work to a physical location called a school. It is only when we as parents and our kids as students have internalized this way of thinking that we will get out of our educational system what we deserve. Said another way, a fabulous education for your student is their personal Mount Everest; we as parents and teachers are simply their “sherpas.” In truth, the kid – your kid -- has to actually climb their own mountain. We can help them avoid predictable pitfalls, provide them with the wisdom that comes from having been to the mountain top ourselves, coach them along the way, but in the end, it’s their journey. The problem is they’re waiting for someone to do it for them. Most students today are passive, reactionary recipients of information instead of being the knowledge creators they are meant to be. The single greatest gift we can provide our children is the framework for understanding that an education is theirs for the taking, not the receiving. They are the ones that have to ask the questions that will fill in their knowledge gaps. They cannot assume what they are being told is what they need to know. How can you do this? Read on! ~~~~***~~~~ Choosing to Allow Consequences The second essential component is the concept of consequence. Our children must experience the consequences of their choices early and often if they are going to succeed. What this really boils down to is letting them fail and learn to recover from that experience, repeatedly. “It is a central paradox of contemporary parenting, in fact: we have an acute, almost biological impulse to provide for our children, to give them everything they want and need, to protect them from dangers and discomforts both large and small. And yet we all know — on some level, at least — that what kids need more than anything is a little hardship: some challenge, some deprivation that they can overcome, even if just to prove to themselves that they can. As a parent, you struggle with these thorny questions every day, and if you make the right call even half the time, you’re lucky.” Paul Tough, NY Times Magazine, What if the Secret of Success is Failure? 9/18/2011 When your student forgets their lunch or their assignment, you can’t rush home to retrieve it for them so they won’t be hungry or get marked down for handing in a late assignment. Letting them confront the realities of the situation will allow them to come up with tools and techniques for not putting themselves in that circumstance again. If they mismanage their time or come up short in terms of completing an assignment, resist every urge to come to their rescue. Let the chips fall where they may … isn’t it better to let them “skin their knees” in elementary or middle school versus high school or college? Also, you don’t need to “pile on.” The great thing about kids dealing with the consequences they’ve created is you don’t have to lecture or raise your voice. The consequences themselves provide the lesson. The hardest part for you as a parent is to let circumstances unfold without your involvement – perhaps the most challenging aspect of mastering this important secret. The best analogy I can think of is putting your child in swimming lessons. It’s scary but necessary. And again, we can’t do it for them. They literally face the “sink or swim” realities of the pool and we have no choice but to let them experience the difficulties of mastering those fundamentals on their own or handicap them for the rest of their lives. Why we forget that simple truth when they go to school is a puzzle. Take a deep breath and let your student experience the consequences of failure or shortfall. It’s as much a part of their education as reading and writing. ~~~~***~~~~ Organization is Key The third fundamental we have to come to terms with is this: kids need to get organized and stay organized. It sounds so basic, so trivial, so matter of fact. The fact is, organizational skills are often overlooked and underestimated. They aren’t really being taught. Were you taught to be organized? Or did you figure it out by trial and error? You can give you kids a gift by helping them not only get organized, but also understand the process of knowing how to get organized. Organizational skills – or lack thereof - really begin to show up in middle school, when kids go from being in a single room with a single teacher all day to moving to multiple classrooms with different teachers. Most students fail to make a smooth transition because they can’t stay organized enough to master the material being taught through different teaching styles in different environments. It starts with the backpack. Then we see it in the desk. When they get older, it’s their locker. If you see clutter and confusion showing up in their physical space, it’s a safe bet their mind is cluttered, too. Does your son or daughter have a dedicated space to do homework? Is it organized and well lit and far from distractions like TV and computer games? Can they quickly find notes, books, past tests, etc. for each of their classes in a color-coded filing system? How do they manage their time? Is there a daily routine? Do they have a weekly plan? Does the student understand the BIG picture by knowing how the month and the year will unfold? Are you helping them take 10 minutes each day to plan for the next day or 20 minutes each week to plan for the next week? Many schools have gone to using a planner: does your student actually know how to get the most out of that planner? Having one and using it effectively are two different things. Also, this is where the hand off from school to home so often falls short – the school provides the tool with limited (if any) in-depth explanation of how to make it useful (“write this in your planner”). The parent assumes that if the school provides the tool they have taken the time to teach the student how to use it; the student lugs a planner around and it never occurs to them to ask someone how to get the most out of it… Because they don’t realize it’s their responsibility to learn how to use their tools! Perhaps this helps you see why the #1 thing we need to change is teaching kids that it’s their job to ask questions instead of simply provide answers to questions that are being asked. Consider spending time with your kids to share with them how you use your planner (when you actually used paper to plan, if you don’t now), and the thought-process behind how you kept things organized. We use post-it notes, different colored pens and highlighters and even paper clips to mark the pages or items that mean the most. ~~~~***~~~~ Good Old Fashioned Grit The fourth critical component is grit. Defined as perseverance and passion for long-term goals, grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity, and plateaus in progress. (Grit: Perseverance and Passion for Long Term Goals. Duckworth, Peterson, Matthews & Kelly) In other words perseverance, the willingness to do what it takes to get it done. In this world of shrinking attention spans – exasperated by the constant distractions associated with the electronic interruption gadget ironically called the “smart” phone – we have lost our ability to stay focused on what is important in exchange for what is considered urgent (usually assigned a high priority by someone else…). Intelligence is simply not the only indicator of academic success. In fact, innately smart kids are often at a disadvantage because they routinely fall back on their IQ only to find themselves derailed by a lack of character in the face of adversity because that’s a muscle they’ve failed to exercise. Grit may be as essential as talent to high accomplishment. If substantiated, this conclusion has several practical implications: First, children who demonstrate exceptional commitment to a particular goal should be supported with as many resources as those identified as “gifted and talented.” Second, as educators and parents, we should encourage children to work not only with intensity but also with stamina. In particular, we should prepare youth to anticipate failures and misfortunes and point out that excellence in any discipline requires years and years of time on task. Think of your role as the personal trainer of character. If you can guide them through the right exercises to strengthen and condition their ability to take chances, fail, pick themselves up and dust themselves off and go at it again with enthusiasm and optimism, you will have provided them with critical life skills they simply are not getting in today’s education system. ~~~~***~~~~ How DO You Learn, Exactly? The fifth secret regarding education in the 21st century is learning how to learn. I’m sorry to say our schools don’t teach kids today how to learn. They spend a lot of time on what to learn (thanks to No Child Left Behind and the propensity to teach to the test) at the expense of teaching old-fashioned study skills. Again, this is where your role as the primary teacher kicks in. If you can teach your child to read, take notes, and write, you will save a fortune in future college tuition. Reading I don’t mean read like they teach kids to read in school. I’m sure your child can read for the purpose of pronouncing words and explaining what’s been written. I’m referring to strategic reading … reading to grasp a message or purpose, reading to identify facts and important details, taking notes as they read (annotating their text books) and reviewing those notes for understanding and learning. They should read and write down questions in the margin of the text. They should scan the opening paragraph, the headings, any words that are highlighted and italicized, and read the chapter summary thoroughly so they can evaluate what they’ve read and apply what they’ve learned. And if you’re in a school that has abandoned text books, then there are a few ways for your student to apply “creative problem-solving” to their situation. Many schools allow text books to be checked out like any other library book; or you can make the investment of buying a book through several on-line resources. If your student does not actually get to take and use the text book as their own, you can teach them to begin using 3 x 5 notecards in lieu of annotating the actual book. And they should read a lot. Constantly. Anything that interests them. For every minute they spend watching TV or playing computer games or getting lost on-line or texting, they should spend 10 minutes reading. What that means in my household (I have a nine year-old son who would be “plugged in” 24 hours a day if I’d let him…) is that I have to schedule dedicated reading time with him and actively participate in reading with him to form the habit. He picks the book or magazine – most of the time – and we take turns reading a page or a paragraph or a chapter. It’s taken concentrated effort, but I catch him sitting alone reading his books after I’ve told him his “media” budget has been met and it’s time to turn everything off. The important thing is to position reading as entertaining, enlightening, equal or better than electronic media. It’s an endless battle but a war worth winning. The habit of frequent and varied reading will dramatically impact SAT test scores and their ability to write well. This is the single most important study skill you can foster and the return on investment is exponential. Note Taking The introduction of the highlighter may have ruined our kids in terms of note taking. They think if they highlight something, they are learning. They’re wrong. Note taking is the active processing of information and it needs to happen in both textbooks and classrooms and then those two different sets of notes need to be combined and refined into a single page summary regarding that topic. A student needs to learn how to paraphrase what they hear, simplify complex subject matter into bite-sized chunks of information, structure notes into manageable blocks of content they can make sense of, develop a shorthand and an ability to draw and diagram ideas for easier recall – this is how they teach themselves the things they need to know. This is how they develop questions that allow them to fill in their knowledge gaps and actually learn. And no one is teaching them how to do this. Writing Good writing is the natural by-product of good reading. Perhaps that’s why the number one study skill is always strategic reading. There are, however, a few other things that will enhance a student’s ability to write effectively. I’m a huge fan of developing skills using templates so that as kids master the template, they can begin to “wander off the reservation” and inject their creativity and personality into the process. But a good grounding in some basic fundamentals can distinguish them not only during their academic years but also well into their professional years. A suggested outline for writing any paper might look like this: BIG PICTURE – what’s it about Research Student’s Position/Opinion Facts and arguments supporting your position/opinion 1st draft Polish/Edit/Proof Final Draft ~~~~***~~~~ Final Review So, in a nutshell, these are the 5 secrets you need to know: Kids educate themselves; our job is to guide them so they do it well Kids need to fail to succeed; let them Kids need to organize their academic life; don’t let them slip into bad habits Kids need to learn how to “stick with it” and not give up when things become difficult; don’t quit on your kids by letting them quit Kids need to learn how to learn; coach them to use the tools that have been proven to work for decades How do you bring this to life? Begin by having conversations that develop a “self-taught” mentality. If you drive your kids to and from school, talk about the fact that they are responsible for teaching themselves, that it’s their job to ask questions and make sure that they understand the material. If you don’t have that uninterrupted drive time, set aside 20 minutes each week when you can discuss education – not grades or test scores or homework but your expectations, philosophy, and perspective on education. And don’t forget to ask your student their thoughts! Create a culture that embraces failure and the lessons it offers. We are so obsessed with success we sometimes forget how we achieve it. Never hesitate to remind your child that it’s their failure to learn from their mistake that disappoints, not the mistake itself. Some of you may shake your head or read this and say “duh!” but ask yourself if you have really made it clear to your student that it isn’t the poor grade or poor outcome you are focused on but the process that produced it. Organization Skills. A teacher with 20 – 30 kids simply does not have the time to provide this kind of inspection, oversight or attention to detail. This is clearly the job of the primary teacher – you! Backpack – at least once a week, go through your child’s backpack together. Make sure you are asking them why they are carrying around what they are, what’s the purpose, how does it help them, why they’ve organized things the way they have; gentle questions and suggestions here will be surprisingly effective. Desk/Locker – when you attend parent/teacher conferences or events held at school, see if you can get a peek at your child’s desk and/or locker. Again, confrontational criticism is NOT the idea here. Specific questions and constructive suggestions (meaning you explain the benefits of what you are recommending) will prove most effective. Homework Space - Milk crate with hanging files – any office supply store will have these types of containers. Think of this as the portable office for your student… every thing they need to know in an easy to carry container. Colored files – one color for every subject. All notes, tests, teachers comments, etc. put into this folder in chronological order. Makes review quick and easy. Colored sharpies – one color for every subject. Yes, it’s a little over the top but it makes it super easy to scan a piece of paper and be able to put it in the correct file. Planner review Daily – make sure your student is actually using this tool for their benefit. Your child should use and review their planner daily, not you. If you want to take 10 minutes each night for a week to coach them on how best to use this tool, that’s a great idea. After that, though, an occasional “check in” to make sure they are using it should be sufficient. Weekly – the 20 minute “review and preview” would be a very worthwhile exercise to take your child through for a month. Look back on what was accomplished for the week (a “feel good” opportunity as well as the chance to catch anything that might’ve fallen through the cracks) and a proactive approach to discussing what your student expects from the coming week. This seemingly small habit – looking out into the coming week to identify certain commitments and time constraints – is a powerful habit that will serve them for the rest of their life. Family Calendar – is your child’s personal life integrated into their academic life? This is where you teach them to combine all the priorities that compete for their time, talents, and attention. Weekly Monthly Annual True Grit This may be harder for you than your child. If they aren’t interested, if they don’t seem enthusiastic, if your family calendar is over programmed, it’s just so much easier not to finish, to call in sick, not to honor the commitment that was made. Do it anyway. Teach your kids that once they’ve committed to something, they MUST carry through. The lengthy discussion and BIG decisions should be made prior to committing; once you’ve decided to sign up, to opt in, to participate, then show up and be present. This goes for classes, clubs, sports, music, volunteer work, fundraising, church, etc. Too many kids today take the easy way out and quit something before they can really learn how strong they are, how much can be learned through overcoming difficulty or boredom, how satisfying it is to see things through. Study Skills Following are a list of resources I would recommend for each of the study skills your child should master. Recommended Reading Lists 6th grade http://www.haisln.org/images/HAISLN_6th_grade_2011_FINAL.pdf 7th grade http://www.fcps.edu/dis/readlist/78.htm 8th grade http://teachers.usd497.org/mstucky/8th%20reading%20list.pdf High School http://www.phschool.com/curriculum_support/reading_list/high_school.html Classroom note taking Cornell System – this is the best, time-tested method of taking notes during a lecture. Simply review the concept and format outlined in the attached PDF with your student and print off dozens of “blank” Cornell formatted sheets for your student to use http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t_Vzeq5L3g&feature=related http://lsc.sas.cornell.edu/Sidebars/Study_Skills_Resources/cornellsystem.pdf http://www.englishcompanion.com/pdfDocs/cornellintro.pdf http://www.freewebs.com/lanzbom/cornellnotes.pdf http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-FCogxQFHI http://www.collegeboard.com/student/plan/college-success/955.html Text book note taking http://www.ehow.com/how_5925471_annotate-school-books.html http://apcentral.collegeboard.com/apc/public/courses/teachers_corner/197454.html http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Study_Skills#Annotation_system Writing http://www.smashingmagazine.com/2009/06/28/50-free-resources-that-will-improve-your-writing-skills/ http://www.infoplease.com/homework/writingskills1.html http://careerplanning.about.com/cs/miscskills/ht/writing.htm http://www.collegeboard.com/student/plan/boost-your-skills/122.html ~~~~***~~~~ Conclusion It is simple. It just isn’t easy. Whenever I feel like I don’t have the time, the energy, the training or the experience to provide my son with what he needs to succeed in today’s world, I just ask myself if I’m doing these five things consistently and enthusiastically. Like all important things in life, sticking to the basics, relentlessly focusing on the fundamentals and keeping the constant distractions of today’s world at a distance remain my most important job in terms of raising my child. You can do this. Set the example of grit and follow through on these 5 secrets no matter how many times you encounter resistance, fatigue, or set backs. You and your children will be glad you did! ~~~~***~~~~ Who Is Beth? Beth is an author, speaker, certified college planning specialist, financial advisor, entrepreneur, wife and mother. And she loves watching football! Author. Beth wrote An Employee’s Guide to Stock Options (2003, McGraw-Hill) Licensed to give financial advice as well as sell securities and insurance, Beth has helped hundreds of families “organize their financial junk drawer” and put a plan in place to become good stewards of their wealth. Entrepreneur. Beth founded College Funding Coaches after the birth of her son, Mack, prompted her to calculate what it would cost to send him to college… a frighteningly large sum of money! Motivated to pay for college without going broke, Beth developed the CashFlow4College™, College Concierge™, and Connect2CollegeCoaches™ programs to help make college an affordable reality for families from all walks of life. College Funding Coaches beth@bvwalker.com www.CollegeFundingCoaches.com ~~~~***~~~~ Who is Honorée Honorée is a mega-successful leader of leaders; player-coach, entrepreneur, author, speaker, and mentor to professionals around the world, helping them grow their businesses and live amazing lives. She empowers others to dream big and go for what they truly want. Author. Honorée is the author of The Successful Single Mom book series, Tall Order!, Master Strategies for Explosive Business Growth, and the upcoming Planned Authorhood. Personal Transformation Expert. She specializes in helping individuals and professionals achieve their maximum potential. Turns Service Professionals into Rainmakers. Honorée gives seminars and conducts training programs on generating business, creating strategic partnerships and practicing exceptional business courtesy for service professionals. Her certified coaches teach her popular coaching class, The STMA (Short Term Massive Action) 100-Day Coaching Class for Professional Women and Young Professionals. Inspires the Masses. Honorée is a source of inspiration, motivation and transformation through her books, radio shows, monthly informational tele-coaching, seminars, blogs, success interviews, television appearances, and online inspirational courses. She presents immediately applicable and practical procedures for focusing vision, goals and actions on the attainment of the life desired. Honorée Enterprises, Inc. Honoree@CoachHonoree.com http://www.CoachHonoree.com http://www.SuccessfulSingleMomBook.com Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/Honoree Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/Honoree Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/Honoree My blog: http://Honoree.blogspot.com ###