My name is Jamie Kirkland. I live in Ontario, Canada and am an aspiring writer. While I never really pursued a career in writing, I have always had a love for creating characters and telling stories. This is simply a passion I have, and I am thrilled to be able to share my works with others.
on Dec. 03, 2011 :
This is pretty good. In particular, you had a good strong theme in mind and you dramatized it properly through your protagonist's actions. That's far from a given in superhero fiction...though Sam is certainly not the archetype of a hero, as we surely agree.
My quibbles with it are as follows:
1. It's compressed. The story, though good as it stands, would have been more satisfying if given somewhat more leisurely timing and more room for characterization, not merely of Sam but of the Supporting Cast. Also, it would have seemed a bit less blunt. (My wife is forever telling me not to be so blunt about my themes, so I assure you, it's by no means your unique shortcoming!)
2. You need some practice with dialogue. Dialogue is critical to characterization, especially in a short piece, which makes it critically important. The best way to gain dialogue skills is to listen to ordinary people conversing, **without** taking part yourself, and try to note the patterns in their phrasings and pauses.
3. There are a number of avoidable errors in grammar and spelling that a good editor would have seined out for you. (I was about to say punctuation as well, but I noticed that you're Canadian, and British and Canadian schools teach a somewhat different style of punctuation than American schools.) I know most younger writers can't afford pricey editorial help, but there are actually a number of freelancers who won't try to strip you of all your worldly goods. You might want to look into this site: http://www.the-efa.org/
On the whole, well done.
(review of free book)