Published: May 17, 2010
Words: 10841 (approximate)
Language: English

Description

A war is ruining Earth and the Americans are in danger of being killed at any moment,so in response everybody moves into underwater cities But, what if there is a fish kingdom ruled but a human Queen who doesn't want you in her Ocean? A book of understanding one another and the human nature to acquire more than one needs or even truly wants out of desire.

Tags

war, witch, queen, ocean, united nations, boyfriends, fighting, explosions, cheater, chamber, fishes, german alcala, personification, quards, dome, wwiii, windilia, sinistris, maxtolin, fish robots, ocean people, chola, cholas, fish ity, water witch, witch queen, razorblade, to end a war, to end an invasion, after the war, starfish, war over technology, french love child, japanese technology, streetfighting

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Reviews

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Review by: Persephone Gallo on June 10, 2011 :
I personally liked Max, (I loved that fish!) and ironically, I liked the villain as well. Given the fact that it was written by a ten year old and the wild range of imagination that is presented in the book, I give it five stars.
(review of free book)

Review by: Marts on July 15, 2010 : (no rating)
This young author seems to have a good imagination and a lot of promise but as always, there is room for growth. On a pure entertainment level, the story has value but some writing errors do exist, as is the case with many independents. (After all, we don’t have professional editors to help us, do we?) Giving a rating is difficult since I don’t want to crush a young spirit that has lots of potential. For someone who is 13 the story is excellent and deserves five stars but if it is judged against other professionally written children/teen lit (Harry Potter for example), it would fall a bit short. I’ll be curious to see how this individual hones their craft over the coming years.

I might suggest joining an on-line author’s club (ficpress is but one of many) to get more feedback. Below I’ve included some thoughts about the first few pages.

“Sinistris remembered her apartment back on land, and she began to wonder how long it would take until it was bombed. The war would soon spread into Oregon and her old home would become smithereens.” Nice intro to the problem of the war. You could have included some idea as to her feelings about this. Will she miss her home? Is she scared? Worried about friends left behind?

“She had been planning her first day in the city for weeks. They were one of the first families to come to Windilia the underwater city. That meant the city would be nice and empty for her to wander around at her own will.” Building up a sense of adventure – good.

“Sinistris began looking wildly around her bed with her head swinging madly. Then she found it, and Sinistris grabbed at her starfish that was made out of metal” This phrases gives the impression that her head is like a ball attached to a string and is being spun around. The term ‘looking wildly’ makes me think that there is an urgent need but the following part doesn’t reveal this. Placing the word ‘it’ first is confusing. “That was made out of metal’ is awkward. Possibly try “Sinistris began searching her room, darting her eyes around the messy space until she found what she wanted; a metal starfish.” I’m still not sure why she wanted it. You could include a bit about this.

“ Sinistris put her clothing on very and got out of her room which was a rather difficult feat, because of all the moss on the door knob that made her hand keep slipping.” She put her clothing on very...what? I think you left something out. ‘Got out of her room’ is awkward phrasing. Possibly try “She found leaving her room more difficult than expected; the door being hard to open due to the slippery moss which had grown on the knob.”

“Sinistris threw a handful in and served herself breakfast then after about ten minutes of eating as quietly as possible. Sinistris and Max left the house as quietly as possible.” Misplaced period? Perhaps it should be after the word breakfast.

“The roads were covered in sand, but if you dug into the floor by about seven feet you would find the same stone that made some of the buildings (of course Sinistris wouldn’t know that for a few years)." POV problem. You are suddenly switching to an omnipotent pov and including information she couldn’t possibly know. It jars when reading it and is a fact that isn’t needed in the story at this point.

I hope you realize I’m not trashing your work – just trying to give constructive feedback. As an author, I know it is difficult to put your work out there and have others not immediately fall in love with your ‘baby.’ Just remember there is always room for growth and you can learn something from both good and bad reviews. Good luck in your future endevours.
(review of free book)

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