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on July 11, 2012 :
Okay, so it reads a little like a Creative-Writing class exercise. So what? It's pretty, imaginative, even a trifle poignant. I liked it quite a lot.
You made only one technical error I could detect -- a use of "like" where "as" was correct -- and that's so common that I'm virtually the only critic who notices it these days. On the whole, very well done, but with a caution: you could not have prolonged the story beyond where you concluded it without grievously trying the reader's patience. Whether by luck or through innate understanding, you stopped before that point. Beware of the temptation to extend such a tale into the longer forms!
For your further development, I recommend that you study two stories: Ursula Leguin's "The Direction Of The Road," and James Tiptree's "Love Is The Plan The Plan Is Death." Both are highly regarded SF stories; they should be available in anthologies you can borrow from your local library. If you can't find them, drop me a note and I'll see what I can do.
(review of free book)