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on Nov. 29, 2012 :
I found this book to be extremely informative and helpful. The author presents case illustrations and information from therapists and other professionals along with their own professional and personal experience, as well as the survey results. My wife and I are both professionals in the health care field. We took the survey and found that it was very organized, fair and concise. There were open-ended questions that allowed us to fully share our opinions and experiences. We have been together for 23 years and when we read the book, we were so pleased and surprised to relate to this material. We haven’t read any books that are so descriptive, helpful and enlightening about our type of relationship. It flows well and is easy to understand for the general public. If you or someone you know relates to this Leading and Supportive relationship, this book is a must-read.
(reviewed within a week of purchase)
on Nov. 29, 2012 :
If other "self-help relationship" books didn't feel right, try this one!!
As someone who has been trying to figure out where I fit in with all the self-help relationship books out there, and yes, I've read most of the mainstream ones like Mars/Venus, What Women Do, Act Like a Lady, Love Smart...I just never saw myself in any of the examples or definitions. Some element seemed always to be missing.
It was suggested that I read Leading and Supportive Love by a good friend in the BDSM community, I was sure this wasn't going to fit as well. I figured I would read it 'just because' and report back that 'no, this doesn't fit either.' I couldn't have been more wrong!
I did what I usually do with books like this, I jumped to the the part where the types are defined. As I was reading through the extensive list of examples for the two types, I found myself nodding my head and checking off the points that rang true to me and for the different partners I've had over the years. When I was done, I'd nearly checked off the entire list for the Supportive-type for myself, and so many of the Leading-type points for those relationships that I thought worked best -- I knew I had to start from the beginning of the book and read it through.
Let me point out one thing though: while I was going through that exercise -- I was thinking of my parents married over 40 years and my grandparents married nearly 60 years. In the case of my parents, neither one fit either type, but in my grandparents' case, Grandmom was a Leading-type (and still is) while Granddad was the Supporting-type until his death. So it was truly clear to me that the types are not gender-biased.
I really think that if you are someone who has been in several relationships where you felt like you really weren't understood by your partner or that you felt lost in how to behave or that you wished your partner would do as promised (even if its just finishing the dishes) -- you need this book! Don't expect miracle overnight, but know that a better understanding of yourself and how you want and need to function in a relationship will improve your current one or help you in your next one.
(reviewed the day of purchase)
on Nov. 29, 2012 :
A great introduction to understanding how I work in a relationship...and how to explain it to others
I lived with a boyfriend for three years. I was married to someone else for ten years. I had several long term relationships as well. Nearly all of them ended up with me leaving because my needs were not being met.
No, I don't mean my sexual needs. I mean my needs in the relationship dynamic. You see, I am a giver of support: I like to help others succeed because I fixed their resume, I prepared dinner on time so they could go to a meeting, or I followed through on a task list that was given to me. I don't want to be ordered to do things; rather, I want to be asked to do things that would help my partner and our relationship, and in return, I want to be thanked -- genuinely thanked.
In reading Leading and Supportive Love, I found myself identifying with the Supportive-type. It matched my giver-nature from all my years volunteering with charities and donating time and talent. I wanted to have a defined role where I could know my position and know that my partner was going to step up, make decisions, and stand by them as well as recognize my efforts towards our joint-success. I wanted someone else to take charge and make sure that we were making progress as a team.
As a volunteer as well as an employee, when I am asked to be in charge I slip into a Type-A dynamic that is rather hard-edged and intense. It doesn't really present me with a supportive side. And I want that supportive side to show through.
In reviewing my past partners, I found that very few of them were Leaders in my relationship with them. Those that have the traits, I am still good friends with...and we work well together on projects to this day. Then there are others who just don't fit in either role -- and that's fine, it just means I did not get my needs met in our relationships. Then there were a few who were very much Supportive-types like me...and I could see how we spiraled into a "waiting for the other to decide/take action" vortex. Those relationships were very unhealthy for me.
This book is not a primer on the BDSM concepts of Domination and submission in the sense that one partner must over-power the other, and the other relinquishing their independent thoughts or actions. A closer description would be to compare the L/S-relationship to how the 1950's era households worked: and yes, there were some of those households where the wife stayed home but was in charge of the house and it's decisions. It wasn't all The Man's decision regarding how the house operated or plans for vacations.
The types defined are not gender-specific...they are type-specific. One should read the whole book before passing judgement on either type. Both of them are strong in their convictions and how they interact in a relationship. Who knows, if it's not for you...you just may see a friend in one of these types, and then better understand how their life works.
(reviewed within a month of purchase)
on Nov. 25, 2012 :
The content is completely influenced by the author's prejudice rather than solid academic research. The survey referenced as an authoritative research source was badly written, badly promoted, and contained badly leading Q/A options, thus only included those who already participating in the relationship dynamic and forced responses to fit within author's prejudices rather than reality of the participants. The final ebook is exactly what was expected by academics like myself who participated in the faux research: a "pollyanna" writing to support the author's limited awareness and to use as a self justification for promoting the subjected lifestyle. The writing itself is very simplistic like a social site post.
So now we have yet another document written at 10th grade level regurgitating stereotypes with a claim of authoritative origins. Great for those looking for that sort of soft reference, poor for those seeking hard research.
(reviewed within a month of purchase)