Gift of Continence

Rated 5.00/5 based on 6 reviews
With the perfect wedding dress, what can go wrong? A great deal, as Fiona McDougall rapidly discovers. From the wedding from hell onwards, Fiona successively discovers that her new husband is stingy, bad-tempered and an adulterer.
WARNING: do not attempt to read this book while drinking hot liquids, as they may shoot out of your nose. More

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Words: 75,130
Language: Commonwealth English
ISBN: 9781301885954
About Tabitha Ormiston-Smith

Tabitha Ormiston-Smith was born and continues to age. Dividing her time between her houses in Melbourne and the country, she is ably assisted in her editing business and her other endeavours by Ferret, the three-legged bandit.

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Reviews

Review by: Pinky Pollock on March 29, 2014 :
I'm probably going to embarrass myself with confessing this, but for some reason every time I see the title of this book my brain reads Continence as Incontinence. Two entirely different words I know, but for some reason, my brain couldn't process it.




OK, second confession, I had to Google continence just so I could figure out what the hell it meant, and why it would be a gift! That said, I now know the difference between Continence and Incontinence and I will get on with the review.




This book is not for the fainthearted. If you do not enjoy side splitting Aussie tongue in cheek humor do not read this book.




We meet Fiona on the morning of her wedding to the man of her dreams, or so we are lead to believe. From that point forward we are drawn into a story that could have unfolded in any number of kitchens around the world, as the wedding from hell turns into reality.




This is a beautifully written story, that by the end will have every reader adding their two cents to the plot as plausible ways to see Tim get his just deserts. Yes there are sexual references and profanity throughout, but anybody who knows a true Aussie will know that's just how we roll.

I thoroughly recommend this story, and look forward to reading more offerings by Tabitha Ormiston-Smith
(review of free book)

Review by: Patti Roberts on Feb. 23, 2014 :
If you love Aussie humor, you will love this gem of a book! Lots of laugh out loud moments. You could call it, "My Big Fat Aussie Wedding". There are a few "F" words, but it wouldn't be a true Aussie yarn if it didn't have a few profanities thrown in from time to time. Give it a go - and after you've read it, you'll agree that it has to go straight to the pool room along with all your other little treasures.
(review of free book)

Review by: Georgina Ramsey on Feb. 18, 2014 :
I thoroughly enjoyed Gift of Continence and it was an absolute pleasure to read it. It had me laughing from the start and it's brilliantly written to boot! The characters are so well thought out, and I would imagine that most of us can relate to at least one of them (if not most). Fi, the main character, is not the brightest button in the box, but the book is written with great wit and charm that her naivety and incompetence just adds to her likeability. The characters are all very well developed (although I didn't like Tim - horrible man, but still a good character) and you get a true sense of reality from this book. The author has a wonderful way of engaging the reader with her dialogue and descriptions, and I loved the fact that the story deals with the dreams, and then crashing realities, of life. It starts off with one of the most important events in your life - your wedding day - but it does so with great humour that you cannot fail to enjoy it. I would highly recommend it.
(review of free book)

Review by: Patricia Halloff on Oct. 11, 2013 : (no rating)
HIGH-OCTANE HUMOR
What a zany, exhilarating, terrific book! Ms. Ormiston-Smith's novel depicting the blunders of a classic bungler is high-octane humor and a must-read for everyone enjoying a good laugh. Poor Fiona can't do anything right. Oh, she tries! It's just that her concept of right is hopelessly wrong. And what doesn't help matters is that her support system--ditsy friend Gloria, delinquent brother Patrick, gin-swilling grandmother, grumpy cat Moses--are as challenged as she in this regard.

From her botched-up wedding to Tim and its series of bad omens, including Moses' ingestion of a sizable chunk of wedding cake, to the possible steps she plans to take in order to escape her short-lived marriage after finding a black garter belt in Tim's suit jacket, Fiona makes a mess of everything. She's a hapless babe in the woods unbelievably naive for her years. Because she has no idea what the gold-plated sex toy some wag gave as a wedding gift is, she displays it on the mantel piece as an ornament. On her virgin trip to a grocery store--apparently she's never been to one before--she buys a few dozen chickens because they're on sale, is extremely proud of herself for saving money, and can't understand Tim's reaction.

I thoroughly enjoyed Gift of Continence. Ms. Ormiston-Smith is an excellent writer who had me laughing out loud throughout. The device she employs of beginning chapters with quotations from a traditional marriage ceremony satirically and beautifully accentuate the contrast between what marriage should/could have been and what it turned out to be for poor Fiona. Gift of Continence is a real hoot! Read it and laugh!
(reviewed long after purchase)

Review by: Gisela Hausmann on July 02, 2013 :
Finding the Magic Dress does not lead to a Magic Marriage. Now what?

"Sex and the City" step aside - here comes a hilarious Australian story of a wedding and early "marital bliss", which will have readers rolling in laughter.

It all starts out like a dream: "The dress was magic. I still think so. It had some supernatural quality that defied analysis..."

Unfortunately for the heroine Fiona, things don't stay magic. Early trouble indicates that not everything may go smoothly: "I looked like Elizabeth the First. My hair rose vertically up from my head into what appeared to be a solid mass about eight inches high."

Tabitha Ormiston-Smith's book Gift of Continence is hilarious for obvious reasons. While we hate when even the tiniest thing goes wrong at our own wedding, we have a tendency to enjoy laughing about others' mishaps, especially if they are fictitious.

Fiona's bold conclusions regarding her wedding also ring true to our own (secret) thoughts: "Actually, I had a wonderful time. After all, when do you get to invite all your friends to a party that's paid for by someone else, and you're guaranteed to have the most stunning dress there?"

While naïve Fiona does not want to work (earlier experiences had not gone well) she wants to be the perfect wife. Her reflections about her attempts are priceless: "People in books always seem to take a deep breath and then be able to do whatever it was they were trying to do. It doesn't work in real life though."

Things really take off when now married Fiona finds a black lace garter belt in her husband's coat pocket. It is an intolerable situation. However, divorce is not a good option for Fiona. It might make her look less than the perfect wife. Even with the people closest to her (brother Patrick, best friend Gloria, and Gran) weighing in and trying to help with advice, Fiona has a hard time coming up with the very best plan.

This reviewer is not a spoiler, thus I will not tell how the situation gets resolved. One thing though - the way how Fiona gets rid of her philandering husband took me by surprise.

Great many female readers will appreciate the many references to how important wearing the right attire is to all matters of life: "When you're in your dressing gown, with your hair tangled and a temperature probably coming on, and the other person is all freshly showered and suited and dripping with cologne, well you're just putty in their hands, aren't you?" and:

"It's always a mistake to get into any kind of difficult conversation when one's not dressed." Which is exactly what happens to Fiona - quite frequently.
(reviewed the day of purchase)

Review by: Tony Spencer on June 30, 2013 :
This delightful book is not a gold nugget, it's a mother load of mirth. I had a smile on my face all the way through and every few pages I would involuntarily laugh out loud at the antics of Fiona MacDougall, her family, friend and associated critters. There were times when I felt in dire need of "The Gift" itself! It starts early on the narrator Fiona's wedding day with her obsession with long lazy hot baths, her OCD mother wanting to speak to her rather late in the day about her ... wifely duties (not that Fi ever listens to any of mum's homilies), and her unique relationship with her cat. This delightful book tastefully avoids the honeymoon and concentrates the reader on the maniacally mad Fiona as she fails to cope with the first few weeks of married life. Reminiscent of a Tom Sharpe novel, the moronic actions which ensue are perfectly logical when viewed from Fi's skewed perspective, and the laughs just keep on coming. I loved the little touches, the quotes from the marriage ceremony which aptly introduce each chapter, Grannie's little proverbs, Fi's short attention span where she misses so much of what's going on. The supporting cast of brother, 14 going on 30, best-friend Gloria and her string of oaths (which reminds me that the rife profanity throughout is condimentary to the dish), Grannie, her dog (what wrinkly calls their dog Euthanasia? I crease up every time). Written in Dingo Lingo (Aussie English), I just had to read it in the style of the Dick Van Dyke school of accents. Try it, it definitely works. The intensity never drops off, this novel is simply brilliant. If you have a funny bone, you just have to tickle it with this. Don't be put off by the cover pic and hints this is woman's fiction or chick lit, don't let the ladies keep this to themselves; I'm a bloke and I absolutely loved it! In fact, I am going to read it again, now, just need to empty my bladder first....
(reviewed within a week of purchase)

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