Ya Can't Catch A Kipper With A Spider

Rated 4.00/5 based on 3 reviews
Detective story were uncouth detective Kirk "the kipper" McClacket recounts to us a very unusual and dangerous situation that he found himself in.

Contains some swearing. More
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Price: Free! USD
Words: 3,260
Language: English
About Jonathan Antony Strickland

You really want me to reveal personal information here?
O.K then...here's some stuff you might (or might not) like to know about me!

Well for starters you can contact me on milthyswinebuckle@gmail.com

My Hobbies:
1_Are you bored. Then do what I do. Take off all your clothes and paint your face and arse bright blue. Then run outside and shout abuse at passers-by....passes the time if nothing else!
2_managed 18 keepy ups with ye old pigs bladder once....What's that you say? Not that impressive you say! Well. What I failed to tell you was that the pigs bladder that I did the 18 keepy ups with was still inside the pig!
3_Not pissing on the evil that is Milthy Swinebuckle, if he where ever to catch fire
4_scratching my arse!
5_Watching Milthy get his arse kicked by a three legged tortoise...HA !!!
6_Scratching my arse and..oh wait I've already said that! Ah, what the hell. It's a good one so I'll say it again.
7_???? **** ???? with **** then ?*?*!
8_Wondering what I'm doing during hobby seven?
9_Plus...yawning, farting, drinking ten bottles of brown, smoking (various substances) and how to become immune to getting kneed in the balls from various women who find my charming advances not to their liking!

MY most prized possession: Hitler's missing left testicle (NOT FOR SALE).

My most famous quotes:
1_A step in the right direction can still mean the death of an ant!
2_I look down on almost everybody...although come to think about it, it's probably because I do climb a lot of trees
3_You know that poem "if", what a load of crap. Kipling got it all wrong. What he should have said was "If you can portray the ideas you get to a sober man (no matter how shite though's ideas may be), and keep a straight face. Then you'll be a man MA SON!
4_HMMMMMM........I think I'll eat my socks!
5_MMMMM.......cheese and onion flavour .........NNNNIIIICCCCEEE!!!!
6_Ignore the above quote's and instead just read and live your life by number 7.
7 As far as I am concerned you should not judge a fellow person on there looks, sex, race or beliefs. Their are only two types of people: 1_Everyday ordinary people who just want to get on with there lives and not bother anybody else...2_The preachers, the arseholes and the gobshites who want to tell you what you should do and how you should be doing it.

My favourite words:...knickers, bra's, boobs, bums, knockers, shit, shite, bollicks, twat, boobs (such a good word it needed to be said twice), gussets, stains, ugabalooga, randy, stodgeflaps, fgkgkujhghrewh, and TURD!

My Arch Enemies:
1_Milthy Swinebuckle....Beware he who sneaks, creeps, squakes and chortles. He who goes by many names. Names such as....Archibald Stott, Feagus the mostly squidgy, Terrance the quite nasty tormentor etc..., but to me I shall always know him as Milthy Swinebuckle (or if I meet him face to face....ARSEWIPE).
2_Mr.Hairy Monkfish....Swinebuckle's main henchman (and suspected bumchum)
3_Randy Stodgeflaps....not much to say about this guy except he is one of Swinebuckle's best mates and a bit of a ballbag!

Charity work.....Milthy Swinebuckle has been infected with writers tourettes. Only i can help him. I really hope I don't catch it though, as every few words he writes he can't stop himself writing "KNICKERS" or"ARSE" or some other filthy word. It takes him a good twenty minutes to write and edit a single sentence. I really "NADS" feel sorry "BOOBS" for the "GUSSETS" poor guy......"B...BB...BBB BOTOMSSS, ARSHOLES, PANTS,......oh bugger".

PS: Milthy ya little ninnyhammer, how are things. I ain't heard from ya me old buddy for some time. I hope you've not been arrested again for snorting tadpoles out'ta Mrs.Plunderthunks fish-pond....ya dirty little sod?

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Reviews

Review by: Michael Carter on June 11, 2013 :
Wherever the gentleman is from, he's a great and highly entertaining narrator; kind of arrogant and full of -isms, he's sizeist, sexist, everything-ist but is a fascinating voice.

This story is really good, and you'll laugh while reading it; an anecdote in the life of a slimy New York-ish [yet Northern England] private detective, explaining how his life is full of peril. People are always trying to kill him.

The tale is funny and wise and has a bizarre afterword. You never know what sort of story you are going to get with Jonny Strickland, but you are always guaranteed a good time reading it.

Incidentally, this was the result of another of our story challenge things from ten years ago or so. The categories went something like this; crime story, revenge, real ale, and a Chilean Rose Tarantula. We usually did our stories in one week so Jonny came up with this, from those categories in only one week. Great stuff, eh? My own story within these parameters was a murder mystery, but where the tarantula was the one that was killed. I wrote myself into a corner though and I have never finished it.

I would enjoy more stories told by Kirk the Kipper. Jonny?
(review of free book)

Review by: Rob Wilkins on June 10, 2013 :
I, too, thought the gentleman of the tale was of a Jersey disposition at first. However, I think that's more to do with familiar pop culture than the actual writing, as once I was given the information about his locale, the accent changed in my mind and I could imagine people I knew from the area speaking in the way described here. Maybe an earlier hint would dispel Hollywood's influence over the initial perception, but either way, the story doesn't suffer for it in the least.

The character himself is unpleasant, much as the author asserts at the end; but he's very watchable despite that, and the tale all comes together quite nicely. It twists and plays with some of the genre's tropes in an entertaining way, and all comes together very well. Quite different to the author's work while retaining his usual sense of humour, it's certainly worth your time.
(review of free book)

Review by: Walter Lazo on June 10, 2013 :
For my taste, this is one of Mr. Strickland's strongest stories. It is, of course, very funny but, also, thrilling. It has some nice tense moments. The narrative style, though tricky--I thought the guy was from Jersey, at first--is very effective, and the protagonist, though an egomaniac, is strangely endearing.
(review of free book)

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