Claude The Unhappy Caterpillar/Popo The Cheeky Monkey/Sselmorg The Fire Breathing Dragon

Rated 4.33/5 based on 3 reviews
Funny and rather rude children’s story that soon becomes very adult (not in an X-rated sort of way, so all you pervs have been warned).

Contains so much over the top swearing that I’m rather embarassed and feel it is my civic duty to warn you all of the dirty, vulgar, and downright disgusting filth contained within.(And if that does not get ya interested, then I might as well give up).

Available formats: epub, mobi, pdf, rtf, lrf, pdb, txt

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About Jonathan Antony Strickland

You really want me to reveal personal information here?
O.K then...here's some stuff you might (or might not) like to know about me!

Well for starters you can contact me on milthyswinebuckle@gmail.com

My Hobbies:
1_Are you bored. Then do what I do. Take off all your clothes and paint your face and arse bright blue. Then run outside and shout abuse at passers-by....passes the time if nothing else!
2_managed 18 keepy ups with ye old pigs bladder once....What's that you say? Not that impressive you say! Well. What I failed to tell you was that the pigs bladder that I did the 18 keepy ups with was still inside the pig!
3_Not pissing on the evil that is Milthy Swinebuckle, if he where ever to catch fire
4_scratching my arse!
5_Watching Milthy get his arse kicked by a three legged tortoise...HA !!!
6_Scratching my arse and..oh wait I've already said that! Ah, what the hell. It's a good one so I'll say it again.
7_???? **** ???? with **** then ?*?*!
8_Wondering what I'm doing during hobby seven?
9_Plus...yawning, farting, drinking ten bottles of brown, smoking (various substances) and how to become immune to getting kneed in the balls from various women who find my charming advances not to their liking!

MY most prized possession: Hitler's missing left testicle (NOT FOR SALE).

My most famous quotes:
1_A step in the right direction can still mean the death of an ant!
2_I look down on almost everybody...although come to think about it, it's probably because I do climb a lot of trees
3_You know that poem "if", what a load of crap. Kipling got it all wrong. What he should have said was "If you can portray the ideas you get to a sober man (no matter how shite though's ideas may be), and keep a straight face. Then you'll be a man MA SON!
4_HMMMMMM........I think I'll eat my socks!
5_MMMMM.......cheese and onion flavour .........NNNNIIIICCCCEEE!!!!
6_Ignore the above quote's and instead just read and live your life by number 7.
7 As far as I am concerned you should not judge a fellow person on there looks, sex, race or beliefs. Their are only two types of people: 1_Everyday ordinary people who just want to get on with there lives and not bother anybody else...2_The preachers, the arseholes and the gobshites who want to tell you what you should do and how you should be doing it.

My favourite words:...knickers, bra's, boobs, bums, knockers, shit, shite, bollicks, twat, boobs (such a good word it needed to be said twice), gussets, stains, ugabalooga, randy, stodgeflaps, fgkgkujhghrewh, and TURD!

My Arch Enemies:
1_Milthy Swinebuckle....Beware he who sneaks, creeps, squakes and chortles. He who goes by many names. Names such as....Archibald Stott, Feagus the mostly squidgy, Terrance the quite nasty tormentor etc..., but to me I shall always know him as Milthy Swinebuckle (or if I meet him face to face....ARSEWIPE).
2_Mr.Hairy Monkfish....Swinebuckle's main henchman (and suspected bumchum)
3_Randy Stodgeflaps....not much to say about this guy except he is one of Swinebuckle's best mates and a bit of a ballbag!

Charity work.....Milthy Swinebuckle has been infected with writers tourettes. Only i can help him. I really hope I don't catch it though, as every few words he writes he can't stop himself writing "KNICKERS" or"ARSE" or some other filthy word. It takes him a good twenty minutes to write and edit a single sentence. I really "NADS" feel sorry "BOOBS" for the "GUSSETS" poor guy......"B...BB...BBB BOTOMSSS, ARSHOLES, PANTS,......oh bugger".

PS: Milthy ya little ninnyhammer, how are things. I ain't heard from ya me old buddy for some time. I hope you've not been arrested again for snorting tadpoles out'ta Mrs.Plunderthunks fish-pond....ya dirty little sod?

Also by This Author

Reviews

Review by: Ray Hecht on Jan. 02, 2014 :
This short story with the very long-title is an amazingly irreverent. Its postmodern, metafictional, it breaks the 4th wall and its guaranteed to be funnier than your favorite high-brow experimental theatre piece.

There is a treatise on the nature of storytelling, how characters get away from you. Dig deeper and let us question the nature of identity; what makes all these reboots the "same" character just because the narrator says so? Speaking of the narrator, one could get quite theological...

With some commentary on sexism in high-fantasy epics to boot.

Incidentally, I like Popo the Cheeky Monkey as the best incarnation. Sselmorg vs. Kylie was fun too.

And I love how there's a new Smashwords licensing note everytime the story starts over, Smashwords is mentioned in it as well, I mean really how's that for self-referential brilliance?!

A bit anticlimactic at the end, but that's kind of the point.
(review of free book)

Review by: Rob Wilkins on July 13, 2013 :
I've had this happen to me. More than once, my characters have deviated from what I wanted them to do, and on several occasions they've insulted the author too. Usually this happens when I'm being particularly blockheaded in my work.

(I can honestly say they've never taken it this far, though...)

As is so often the case, Strickland's story made me laugh, always a welcome addition to any day. It made for an interesting read, and certainly projects the author's personality nicely. That said, as an alternative to the usual dragons-and-knights stories mentioned in the latter stages of the novel, I'd refer the author to Simon Green's "Blue Moon Rising", one of my favourite fantasy novels of all time.

(And replying to Mr. Carter; a princess's breasts bounce up and down because all fantasy princesses wear Kangoo Jumps. It's standard footwear for buxom ladies in heroic fantasy, I believe, while female characters wear skimpy armour that leaves their vital organs exposed, in order to trick the enemy into attacking. I thought everyone knew this.)
(review of free book)

Review by: Michael Carter on July 12, 2013 :
Firstly I hope this review comes through because Smashwords has gone peculiar today.

Which brings me on to Jonny's new story; in a previous review I accused Jonny Strickland of being bonkers, well here is the proof [if any were needed!].

Claude The Unhappy Caterpillar [etc], is silly, funny, and very bizarre, and an enjoyable easy light read.

However, it actually has, I think, an interesting thing to say about the writing process; what would happen if the characters in a story didn't agree with their author? What if a caterpillar wanted to be a monkey? Why do a princess' breasts constantly bounce up and down? Got you thinking, hasn't it...?

This story [like Smashwords Writers Duel] has been written specifically for smashwords and is very self-aware and contains certain truths about the whole writing/smashwords process [such as why most people only get three reviews]. It's fresh and funny, irreverent [as usual] and self-deprecating and captures fully the personality of the author. In fact there's loads of the author in this work, really quite literally.

For a different and amusing spin on the writing process, a swear-laden kick up the bottom for fantasy stories, a look into the authors spongy beer-addled brain, or just a funny, laugh out loud bit of fluff, give the story a spin. I laughed myself sober reading it, and so might you [if you've had a drink, obviously.]

P.S. There are a few typing errors in here, but they are largely irrelavent in a story about an argumentative monkey!
(review of free book)

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