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I never used to be like this though. I am 38 years old, and for the first 37 years of my life, soap and water followed by a rub with a towel was sufficient. Thanks to QVC, I have now become suitably paranoid that if I do not do some urgent repair work NOW, my face will look like my Nan’s by this time next week. No doubt about it. Steve will no longer love me, and I will be offered tickets to grab a granny night each time I pass the nightclubs. Heck I remember as a kid, my mum sometimes used to use washing up liquid on our hair if we had run out of the shampoo. (That awful medicated type that used to blind us for three hours each Sunday night when we had our hair washed. Heck kids get taken into care for less these days). Now? I have two leading stylists products lined up on my bathroom shelf in order of application – shampoo, conditioner, volumizer, colour enhancer, shine enhancer, anti-frizz serum etc. You name it, I have got it (somewhere anyway, and probably as yet unused, but you never know – it is going to be needed one day at least).

Of course clothes are important too. At least 8 pairs of knickers are shoved inside shoes to save room. (I am a dab hand at washing them through or getting them cleaned somehow. Besides which, I have only got eight pairs which have not lost their colour, or elastic properties). I swear if anyone were to search the case, it would cross their mind that I am hiding something – who else shoves underwear far down inside shoes like that? And that is another good reason to only pack the decent ones. You may have your case searched, and your private garments aired for everyone else on your flight to see. Funny if it happens to someone else, but a different story if it happens to you.

Courtesy of the local License discount shop in Peterborough, I have packed an entire new wardrobe too. Each item was a fiver or less which had my name written on it, as soon as I saw what was on display as I passed the open doorway. For the first time ever, I am actually going to be dressed the part on holiday. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the three quarter length cotton trousers are there. They hang somewhat lower on my hips than I wanted, but I intent being hip for the first time in my life, builders bum or not.

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