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Why a Train? by Dan Schwartz


I awake on a train. Nothing appears familiar. I look around, why am I here? Did I fall asleep coming home from work? No, today is Saturday, I distinctly remember work yesterday because it was Leslie’s birthday and we had cake. So is today Saturday? The sun is down, so if is it Saturday, it is late. What did I do today, and why does it smell like turnips? Maybe not turnips, maybe butternut squash, but definitely some vegetable. There is no one around me on the train, who would be cooking? Well not cooking, at least not on a train, that would be ridiculous, but they could have come on the train with turnips.

The conductor is coming to collect my ticket, wait, do I have a ticket? Wait, I am not wearing pants, where did they go? I still don’t know why I am on a train. I better get off before the conductor fines me for no ticket, plus I don’t know where I am going.

So now I am on a train platform, in the dark, with no pants. At least I know how I got here; I stepped off the turnip train. I hear someone coming, in the shadows. Should I be afraid? I am alone and it is dark, but I have nothing to steal. Nothing but my boxers and t-shirt, but if they took those it would be embarrassing, plus I don’t know where I am. In the shadows, it looks like a dog. Is it wild? It is getting closer. That is bigger than a dog. That is a bear. I think I can worry now. Wait a minute, it is wearing pants. It is wearing my pants. How did my pants get on a bear? Was the bear on the train and get off at the same stop as me, or was it waiting here, knowing this is where I would get off? Should I ask the bear for my pants back or just count it as a loss? They were a comfortable pair of pants, plus I had my wallet in the back pocket. I wonder if my wallet is in there, I should take a look to see if I can tell. But what is the bear thinks I am checking him out and he is a homophobic bear and attacks. Well there is something in pocket, but it could be his tail crammed in the pants. I will just get a new license issued.

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