Dave on Earth by S Rob
Dave saves Earth
Dave versus the mind master of funk
Dave and the humervian
Dave saves Earth
Dave was walking down the street: it had pubs and shops on either side. “Damn not another burger“, he said as he munched at it. “I hate this damn fitness training.” he said. As Dave was a member of intergalactic defense force he had to maintain an athletic build: Dave was 43 stone, for a minervian he was at Olympic standard, peak fitness. To a minervian he was a wonder to behold because although they looked physically the same as human, their physiology worked quite differently: their bodies utilized fat as muscle and for extra brain power. It wasn’t his fault if earth society didn’t appreciate his moobs. He was so big his stomach had another bottom forming at the front. He didn’t mind: it was all cultural and somewhere he knew the local women where lusting after him as his stomach jiggled as he walked. He was walking home to his council house: he had missed the bus. He had a false identity: it wasn’t difficult minervians look like humans. Therefore the unemployment benefit he claimed was just part of the cover; he used it for extra food, and beer money. High command supplied everything he really needed: but he did like the beer money. At home he checked his intergalactic computer. He had several thoughts: 1. This was so powerful he was amazed he managed to get it working again using only parts from maplins, 2. There would be hell to pay if the council found out he had such a computer: as he had knocked down a wall to put it in, and does this mean he should build the swimming pool in the yard, thinking, what the hell. Just then Bob walked in the room. “ Have you seen my knickers“, said Bob a transvestite grey alien who lived with Dave after he found him drunk at a bus stop after crashing his space ship. Dave would have liked to fix it, but directive 118 clearly stated such technology should be destroyed. Dave didn’t have the time for a complete destruction and mind wipe of all humans in the area. He thought it was Saturday night they would all be drunk, so what the hell and sold it for scrap. Any way minervian’s were an advanced race and they had no real use for rules; the policy was, obey the rules unless you think you have a better idea. Rules only applied if you had recently lost weight. Bob who was still searching for his clothes said, “I was playing strip poker with the crazy bloke down the road.” “He’s not crazy.” proclaimed Dave.” Well why is he on medication” “because you keep playing bloody strip poker with him.” said Dave” Tomorrow he will have his medication increased again. Can you not leave him alone?” “He’s funny“; said Bob “He even hates it when he wins.” Bob liked to go out from time to time. The risk was low: nobody would believe a grey alien in a dress walking down the street in County Durham. County Durham had a massive growth in the quantity of mentally ill people of late: Dave would have to get Bob to stay in more. At that point instructions came through from his computer saying, “We have a job for you, and you must save the universe.” “Can’t you get someone else? It’s my signing on day. I have to telephone about my DLA application.” moaned Dave. “You have to do it. No one else will be able.” the computer boomed. Just then the details printed from the computer. “Fancy coming along Bob“, said Dave.” May as well the there’s nothing on the tele.” He went off to get changed; reappearing dressed as a French maid. “This is difficult“, said Dave talking to Bob who had now reappeared’ I’m going to need the most finely honed mind telepathic mind in the known universe. I’m going to see Mad Malk from South Stanley. He’ll be in the betting shop.” he hesitated,” If he can’t help, all will be lost.” As this was an emergency he decided to use his fake mobility sticker, and park in the supermarket car park. It was bloody hard to get parked some days. Anyway sometimes in order to save the universe, a member of the intergalactic defense force must use a fake mobility sticker to park in a supermarket car park. Whatever it takes, that was his motto. It was a long and arduous drive, made even more so by the shortage of sweets in the glove compartment. At last they arrived and he peaked in the nearest disabled parking spot. He told Bob to stay in the car: which was a fiat panda: and try to look inconspicuous: or as inconspicuous as a grey alien can when dresses as a French maid. But it had to be said, he was glad that he had the considerable advantage of being in the world’s most unnoticeable car, the fiat panda.