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Abraham Lincoln: Fuck Lord of the Moon

Catherine DeVore

Copyright 2013 Catherine DeVore





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July 23, 1865

By now, you are surely familiar with my secret mission. I will elide the details of my rigorous months of ninja training under the secret tutelage of one Matsukata Takayoshi, a man who was my friend, my teacher, and also my lover. I will not bore you with the details of how I spent nearly two years training in secret in a dojo I had constructed to exacting specifications beneath the White House. Let us simply say that such events occurred and be done with it.

While I trained, the world turned and the war ended. On April 9th of this year, the Confederacy surrendered, relieving me of the second largest of my burdens. But my greater burden was almost too much for me to face.

For weeks, and then months, I had procrastinated. All throughout the war, I had known that my duties would take me far, far away from the country of my birth, but I refused to leave while my country still burned—no matter how much Takayoshi protested that time was of the essence. I could find no way out of my predicament. Already, I had spent too much time training as a ninja; I had too long neglected my duties as President of the United States. How could I in good conscience focus my energies on defeating the crazed Emperor of Japan, while my country was still healing from a war that nearly tore it in half?

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