The Day I Almost Committed A Felony
A Dark Young Adult Comedic Short Story
By Kimberly Van Meter
Copyright May 2011 by Kimberly Van Meter
What do you do when your best friend in the whole world starts dating a Class A Superior Scum Bucket? You’re in luck. I have experience with this very thing. Listen up, because this is choice advice.
First and foremost, you must sabotage their love-fest at all costs. The less bodily fluids exchanged the better (especially if you are unfortunate enough to be present when they are swapping spit. Ugh.)
Second, if at all possible, set up surveillance (high quality digital is best) so that you can catch the Scum Bucket doing something disgusting, such as picking his nose, butt, ears or any other pickable extremity (bonus points if he eats his find!) but mostly, what you’re hoping for is Scum Bucket macking on some other chick because you’d be surprised how forgiving girls can be when it comes to the “love of their life.”
Then, you must download, print (8.5 x 11 glossy is a must) and distribute — anywhere and everywhere. You can post on your social media but it’s much easier to pin down who sent what from your IP address and then you could be facing harassment charges and whatnot so going old-school is preferable. If performed with diligence, the aforementioned Scum Bucket should disappear and you won’t have to share your best friend with a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal. That solves that problem.
But here’s the thing…what do you do when your best friend in the whole world starts dating a psycho who enjoys using her as his own personal punching bag, doormat, and Kleenex? And worse, she insists, in spite of it all, she loves him. Now you’re getting where I’m coming from. This goes beyond Scum Bucket. This calls for bigger action. This is when it gets complicated…and messy.