Eight days, thirteen hours and ten minutes ago I asked my girl to marry me. The ring that I had carefully picked out for her was now wrapped like a lace bow around a beastâ€™s tooth. Anyone would wonder why there was such expensive wrapping on a dirty, slobbery present.
I rotated the ring back and forth trying to jog it loose, hoping that the bastard wouldnâ€™t suddenly get a boost of energy and bite my hand off.
I put the slime-and blood-covered six-thousand-dollar ring into my pocket and wondered what to do next. People had started to gather around and I had to have a story to get out of this in the clear. Time to turn on the old charm, I thought. Come on high school drama class, donâ€™t fail me now. â€œHelp! Please,â€ﾝ I shouted, â€œthis dog was hit by a car. Please, anyone.â€ﾝ
â€œOh, dear,â€ﾝ a rotund older lady said, â€œcan you carry him? My husbandâ€™s clinic is right down this way a few blocks.â€ﾝ
It was time to kick it up a notch.
â€œThank you so much maâ€™am. Heâ€™s been following me for the last few minutes. I think he likes me, but the poor thing just couldnâ€™t keep up.â€ﾝ Man, I am such a great liar! â€œThen he crossed the street with me at just the wrong time, and bam. His three good legs couldnâ€™t get him across the street fast enough.â€ﾝ
When I smiled just then, Iâ€™m pretty sure one of my pearly whites had a sheen glow briefly, like in those old Pepsi commercials. Enjoy a Pepsi. Ding!
â€œOh, the poor thing. Come on.â€ﾝ
I picked up Satan though it took all my remaining energy. I was surprised by my own strength. Itâ€™s amazing what your body can do after you have triumphed over the Devil himself. His body was limp in my arms and it was difficult to get a good grip on him. After a couple of awkward poses together, we finally settled into a pace that worked for both of us and we stopped stepping on each others toes.