That would have to be China, if it's English Last you're referring to. Yes, I will admit it: I was a whore for the English language industry. I feel dirty, and the book was a cheaper alternative than therapy.

Sometimes they do, yes, Mark. I'd say late at night in unlit areas, yes, public bathrooms can be a little scary.

That may well have been in preschool, Mark. I can't recall the exact date, but I have a strong assumption it was either with a blue or a green crayon. Now hold on for one moment; it could have been a marker.

Well, Mark, first I want you to know that it wasn't some seedy back alley dive, nor a glamorous mountain retreat. Has this hindered my writing? Well, in the former case, perhaps. I'm not a down and out alcoholic and that could be the reason for my low sales figures. In the latter case I think this has also hindered me. Without those mountainous views to lift my spirits I was forced to lift it myself, and let me tell you, it was heavy.

Mark, I'm glad you asked this question, for it's been one that I've been pondering for many years now. You see, I'm stuck on whether it would be possible to eat just half, or even a quarter of yourself. And also, do I have a bun, and would consuming it in any way hurt me? Furthermore, do I have any condiments, such as ketchup, mustard, or relish that may sustain me longer? Or have those already been eaten?

Mark, it's contributed very little. My Amazon sales are far and away higher than those on Smashwords, and as a matter of fact I haven't had a single sale all quarter. Where's the love, Mark, where's the love.

That would be money, plain and simple. You see, Mark, I have none. By publishing my own books I saved money, and even made enough to buy some chewing gum. I'm a big fan of chewing gum and find that it works just as well as toothpaste, and is cheaper.

Hm, this is a tough one, Mark. For many writers the act of writing isn't a joy at all, but a burden that must endlessly be carried. I do enjoy the semicolon, however.

I begin with a rough outline, Mark, as I'm sure you yourself do. Then I'll try to develop characters, if I'm writing a novel, or chapters, if I'm writing non-fiction. After that I'll just dive in. Novels are easier, but non-fiction requires research. It's a long and arduous process and it gives me a headache even thinking about it.

Why, yes, Mark, I do! That would have to be "Dum Ditty, Dum Ditty, Dum, Dum, Dum." It was one of those Dr. Seuss early readers and it really helped me find my rhythm. I attribute it with getting me into the Helena Middle School drum program for three years. Boy did we slack off!

I would have to say none of them have, Mark. Well, let me take that back. This interview is by far the best marketing I've had.

(Do I still get the $2 you promised me when we're done?)