THE STORY OF MY CAREER
I told my father that I wanted to be a factory production line worker. He said, “tell your mother” ... from the phone in the job centre which is next door to the betting shop.
I, as instructed, told my mother. She said, rather harshly, from the phone in the mental health centre, “Tell your father!”
I gave up parent stuff and did it myself. I went out ever so determined and landed my dream job, putting wheels on cars. I like the air powered spanner thing, it goes ‘Vweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!’
One Saturday afternoon soon after I started graveyard shifts my parents pulled me aside as I stumbled into the house physically exhausted (I’m small and those wheels are bloooody heavy). They told me that they weren’t happy with my career choice in the present economic climate (my mother liked to watch the news as she drank shorts because of the Dow Jones Index thing which stressed her) and how I should have ‘stuck in’ at school like they did do and got a better job, and that they would prefer it if I was a writer/storyteller and stuff the production line crap as it was far far too uncertain.
I replied, ‘but parents, writing is so uncertain especially in uncertain car plants and those wheel things you can stand on are the next big thing, so, sod writing, I fancy putting bodies on wheels and soon the M1 and M6 will be full of them all speeding along at over 100 miles per hour’. They told me I was insane, mad, crackers, duhhh duhhhh and a lunatic and what would NORMAL people say?! ... Especially as I didn’t know my kilometers and expressed them in ancient miles per hour ... and that I should stick to writing and stop the silly, stuuuupid! Pathetic, laaa laaa head in the clouds talk about factory production line work and silly ‘wheel things’ people with too much money like to buy, or I would never be able to receive stacks of cash to pay the bills and my housekeeping beer and betting money to them and have hundreds put aside for a rainy day because of the ridiculous cost of living. I then said, ok, I’ll pack the factory work in and write and sell books; I would give in to the moral working class social demands of having a proper job and it didn’t matter if it was mind numbingly boring, it was ‘money!’ and that’s what mattered!
They then glared at me and told me that apart from not believing me which they never ever had because I was stuuupiiiid! The real world was an extremely harshy warshy place and they were dead against me getting a car with FOUR wheels although I would be great at changing flat tyres and wouldn’t need the RAC thank God because the membership was too dear. They also asked if I would like an appointment with a nice, sensible doctor they both knew through friends who attended the public health clinics, who would give me something to make me happier and calm me at the same time FOR PITY’S SAKE!
I have to say that snuffing them both out at the same time with two pillows was, apart from an act of love very difficult because I could only concentrate on one arm at at once. I tried and tried pressing hard and concentrating ‘ZEN’ hard with the left hand over my mother’s face which was actually behind the pillow. But the strength vacated my ignored stronger right hand and arm and my father kept pushing the pillow off his face. However I eventually managed my inspired mission by again ZENLY meditating there and then and melding both parts of my mind together as one which evened out the pressure differential (an engineer maybe?!) and now I’m on benefits and am peaceful (economy beans-ville) ... and I feed squirrels in the city to chill. However, I do write to pay the bills, so please buy a book, as at some point as I really have to bury those people and it is really expensive.
By the way, good news! My beautiful parents are on holiday in the tropics with Bear Grylls and I just the other day got a text from him saying they had both been fatally bitten by a deadly Rock Cobra by some rocks by a river. They had been wrinkly skinny dipping and he had buried them in a secret location, he couldn’t remember where. Unfortunate, but I shall report it to the police. I shall text Bear back and thank him for my alibi.
‘Good old Bear!’ That’s what I’d like to say.
Where to find Frankie Lassut online
Warm Your Cockles
This is a little bit of fun inspired by a re ... ah! But hang on. That would be telling and it’s in the story. This is another wild and splendiferous ‘quick as a flash story’ like the Green Balloon one, but not short enough to be in the Haiku stable (thank God).
It is something you may want to read on your way to work to cheer you up before you get there so you can arrive with a smile.
The Boot Tree
I don’t like ‘write ups’ very much. I therefore suggest that you would read the book and be surprised. Evo said ‘but people may not hang around if you don’t tell them anything about the contents.’ ... I reply, well, there are many good writers out there so they may not hang about if I scribble a proper write up, so what’s the difference. Now please could you get back to the cooking and cleaning.
Millom in the Dock
A Caricature look at a small / medium sized English Lake District fringe town with an amusingly troubled past, which goes further back than you may imagine. But, trouble for one person is entertainment for another ...
The Darling Buds of June
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is a story based in Shakespeare’s time, it isn’t.; there have been enough of those to render the subject boring. This is word caricature of one town in particular.
Having Fun Loving
Two little love stories. Both are based on the emotional scale. Both are written about as un-Mills and Boon as is possible. The first is a fun adventure look at what might happen to those who have been broken hearted;dumped maybe? ’ The second, The Binman ... well men would be advised not to let their wives, partners, girlfriends, mistresses etc read it, you have been warned.
Some Games We Souls Like to Play on the Earth
Some parts of this iccle book may make you angry, and anger produces some good games, such as judgement. Judgement is a good game, and you may judge me. Let’s see eh? Come in, come play, the ‘party’ is ready to begin.
Remember to bring your body (you can’t hate or laugh or scratch you butt without it).
The Bible According to Monkey Joe
As Editor of Sinner’s Monthly Magazine, I can say that this is a decent sin, a fine demonstration of the noble art of bLAUGHSphemy. The idea of making fun of the Bible to upset the Devil is a good idea and I think this is definitely in the bull’s eye. This may rouse the beast from Revelations, the one with the 666 on it’s head, which in turn may turn into something that will beat Godzilla.
Top Dollar Zombies
These three stories have some awful bits in them. The first one about the zombies has some good parts too, meaning good in the sense of ‘nice’, which is a bit of a change for zombies which tend to go around eating people alive. The second story which features cuckoos is what people might call human nature amplified, so is pretty horrible. The third is the dark the darker side of human nature.
The North West of England, off the main tourist trail of the Lake District, is a fairly quiet place, which is why some city people go there for weekends, to chill out. But, go to a country pub and if you can get talking to the locals, or a local who has stories to tell, you may be surprised at what you hear. I’m not talking stuff from the world’s biggest liar competition, this is more intimate.
Marvo The Magical Plumber
This short story, Marvo the magical plumber, inspired by Woody Allen, was written for an adult audience, (not that it contains anything sexual or violent), but it may also make a good children’s story. The problem could be and, it’s worse than those specific content problems ... if the child asks the adult to explain the word (words actually) ‘.
P.o.r.e 4: Shopping for Mumbo Jumbo
Shopping for Mumbo Jumbo? What that really means is, having an interesting time and even an amusing time shopping. That’s because wellbeing, or ‘mumbo jumbo’ really means, feeling good. That’s your purpose on earth, to come here on ‘holiday’ and have a good time. When we feel good, it’s called wellbeing (mumbo jumbo). So, come hear some shopping stories. It’s ok, they’re free.
The Story of The Black Grouse
The Black Grouse is an English hero in Scotland, helping out where the Scottish can’t, mainly due to their love of barley based refreshments. With his team, not only does the Grouse perform well at the Highland games, but also in his mission. The villains are English too, a right mad duo, but are sorted out by the grouse and his friends. The real villain is a Scot,
Shelley and Stoker
Mary Shelly and Bram Stoker, two great icons who had the human ability ‘afforded’ to some ... the ability to love what they did. Writing though, to both of them was a beloved hobby. Mary Shelley was a maker of things such as tissue boxes, from seashells, so she was self employed and wasn’t normal because she didn’t have a proper job. Her seafront shop was called Shelly’s Shelly Stuff.
England's Ultimate Goal
England win the World Cup at long last and also at long last, the fans are happy as are most of England.
In wellbeing terms though, happiness begins within. That’s always a bitter pill to swallow for people unfamiliar with wellbeing, ‘like attracts like’, and so one must feel good in order to get good. What about when one feels bad to get good, as football fans usually do?
P.o.r.e. 2 & 3
PORE 2 looks at those annoying people, you know, those who are lucky.Everyone I’ve asked ‘believes’ in luck, but that’s the only word they have to describe that state of being. Luck must work a bit like gravity, PORE 3 looks at a couple of ideas regarding deforestation i.e. how to feel good and appreciate it, and more importantly ‘why’.
The three stars lined up vertically and to the naked eye, looked like lights in a block of flats. The vertical celestial line up was directly above Coventry bus station and was an indication from the Lyra Constellation several light years away. This special line up was telling the people of the West Midlands (and England, probably the world) that the greatest bus driver was to start his training.
It’s about this woman who does something really clever which goes a little awry, which is a good job, because if it didn’t there would be no story. I’m not one for giving plots out, so just read the thing. I see actors on TV from soaps and new films who aren’t allowed to say anything, so I’ll keep my mouth shut.
This is a little handbook on life, which isn’t packed with mumbo jumbo stuff. It won’t make you thin or rich or stop you a smoking, which is good because hospitals need patients, they’re their life’s blood (especially in haematology). The little widgy book logically supposes a few weirdo things and, contains some hyperbolic humour. The main logical question isn’t one that is usually asked in pubs.
Please Pray for Me
One man was brave enough to take a look at his last forty years of life, decided that it was riddled with sin ... and decided to do something about it. Unable to join the church because of past ‘sin’ thoughts (over 500!), he nevertheless chose to become Christian in his morals and values (and thoughts).
The Secret Life of Hospital Food
Have a stroke, it’s easy when you know how. Sit in a bed on a hospital ward and decide whether you should be angry or downhearted or feel blessed. Sit there for hours on end with only a wall and other almost completely stroke-disabled patients to look at. s it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? How is your perspective controlled?
Dennis Brown is man whose mind’s connection to the Universe is a bit too good for this world. He’s a fish out of water. He’s lovely and helpful and wants a good life for himself and those close to him and the only way he sees of producing that personal scenario
Housework’s Invisible Gold
like having babies, housework is really for women only; blokes won't do it. i'm, not saying that's right or wrong. what i'm saying is that women take the attitude they take because of a lack of understanding. this book is therefore, for women only.
People are so scared by this cancer ‘condition’ they get angry and offended at its very mention. People who hate their lives and there are many walking amongst the crowds of happy people in towns and cities, do not help themselves by additionally fearing this dark cloud. Our plague, cancer, we are told is very ‘evil’ ...
An Egyptian Farewell
This we hope is an entertaining mix of short stories you can use to get yourself smiling at home, or, on a journey (if you’re driving, try reading them on traffic lights, not when you’re driving, duuuh). If you have as much fun reading them as we had writing and producing them, that will be our mission accomplished.
Part 1. It’s the author’s birthday! Time for blank chequebook celebration which include, hog roast, champagne and fireworks ... ‘not’.
Someone feels sorry for him and leaves a gift on his step, which will be nice to open at his solo party. The gift though is mega and changes his life.
Part 2 tells of the darker, sinister side of the guitar. You probably won’t believe it.
Close Encounters in Cannington
Starting in 1976, until its end in 1993, an event which took place in the agricultural college in Cannington, near Bridgewater, Somerset, stopped ‘local’ aliens from landing there and having a good time ‘researching’, which they had previously enjoyed.
This true story is suitable for musicians and music lovers. It isn’t suitable for classical guitarists at all.
The Atomic Shepherd
Each year, the World’s Biggest Liar competition is held at the Bridge Inn at Santon Bridge, way up there in the wilds of the Cumbrian North West of England. Whoever tells the most convincing lie gets the trophy.The book is also filled out with several other stories all suitable for the competition ... the 2013 winner is shown, but not his story of course.
Bed, Knobs and Groom Tricks 2, Sleeping On the Job.
Learning the lesson from the first book, Dubai, I left the toilet door ajar this time and a draught closed it. The last book (Dubai ... well, did you? Dubai it? LOL!) is out there doing its thing, so now, locked in the loo again, I may as well start part 2.
A Little book of Mumagination
This small book is designed to be read by mums. Hopefully if they like the short imaginative stories, they can then adapt the stories and tell them, in their own words to their child/children using the pictures.Goes hand in hand with Super Nature Imagination and Imagination City, Broken Toy and Thing hospital. Imagination is a powerful tool, nowadays used by sports and businesses alike. Introduci
I happen to enjoy finding broken and abandoned toys and things on the floor, picking them up, and giving them some time in my hospital before finding them somthing to do ... something which they enjoy.
It’s a nice hospital. Very friendly, full of smiles when the patients feel a little better after they have had a rest after being rescued. It’s nice to go for a walk, find a sad face and know that
Bed, Knobs and Groom Tricks, Dubai
You wouldn’t believe it, the toilet door is jammed again. I have nothing to do but wait until the locksmith arrives. Saying that, and idea comes to mind, so I take my notebook from the rear pocket of my diamond and ruby studded jeans and emerald encrusted belt ... and begin to write some erotica.
This though is erotica with a difference, so avant garde you will need binoculars to see that garde.
Super Nature Imagination
Three stories based on a super style of nature from the imagination of the author, which is very child like and so, able to see the beauty of the world in easy to follow ‘short tale form’.
The stories have a wellbeing flavour, and Frankie talks about the soul of the tree, and the friendly vibration of the pot figurine. He does all the photography too.
Pineapple Pleasure 2 - Sleeping on The Job
Carl, Tony and their little winged friend Super Fly get together again. This time they travel to lands far and distant in a flying ‘rig’ designed by Super Fly, to a secret lab where a fantastic scientific/electronics expert genius (you wouldn’t believe how he achieved that position) in a secret lab, helps them design the world’s greatest, revolutionary, ‘probably’ sex toy.
Four Tales of Awful Horror
This is a respectful tribute to the recently passed British horror author, the great, the well loved James Herbert. The four short stories have been written down by Frankie who channels the souls of who were great unknown British horror writers, James Turbot and Stephen Cling.
Hickory Dickory's Mouse Diner
If you have mice that are socially more refined than where you actually live, you may, if you don’t like killing mice with traps (it isn’t very nice, is it), take care of their culinary habits.
We’re guessing 8-10 years with the reader age range. Maybe younger might enjoy it (if read with an adult). Adults may like to ‘borrow it and read it’?
The Legend of Billy Big Eyes
One morning, quite a while after his operation, Billy wakes up to find his life has to change. Things change again after his boyfriend has an argument with some fish. A little different from the normal erotica, but less boring (so to speak).
The Fairies of Burpy Glade
A story about some cheeky fairies that have quite an unpopular talent. Perfect for naughty children 'and' cheeky adults.
We had to click the fiction button, but, is the story actually 'fiction'?
The Tipsy Trip
Frankie has quite a good sense of humour, which on occasion, can raise a smile on people's faces. Since writing a book about his old home town, Millom's strange history, he decided to extend the view to include the rest of Cumbria.
The Gift of Dementia
The people of the world plod along ... and plod along.People are conditioned into ways of life that don’t ‘work’, yet they keep on doing them and keep on doing them, but they don’t work, so they just keep on repeating them, but they don’t work so ... try again. And the same things happen, but we can’t fix them and neither can the people who we give our trust and hope to in order to fix them.
Carl and Tony are two gay guys living together in a Civil Partnership.Carl’s dream is to go to Dubai for the holiday of a lifetime, but they have little money, with the only compensation being a good sex life.Is this to be it? A life where they are sexually fulfilled, but broke. It could be worse, but it could be a hell of a lot better too.
October-Aurora-Sunrise (Frankie’s PA).
Irreverence just means a lack of respect.
Frankie says this was fun to write.
Distractions are short stories to take your mind off the awfulness that is your day. The never ending brain pounding of your work (?), the Olympics, Recessions, unemployment, crime, and a million other things.
Have fun. Laugh ... and then try to laugh at your day. October-Aurora-Sunrise (Frankie’s trauma buddy, PA.
The Even Thinner Collection
This is the first collection from Stephen Cling’s Chizzel House of Horror, the superior cousin to Hammer. In his last book, which he shared with James Turbot, Cling gave such delights as Coo Joe, and Miserly ...written to help Stephen King improve, get richer, and build a bigger fan base.
This time he gives you Even Thinner and Firestarter Meets ... can’t tell you yet.
The Music of Your Life
For women only (men just don’t get it ... it isn’t soccer or baseball),
Do you like your life?
Do you know that everything in the Universe vibrates?
Did you know that this means you live in an active musical symphony?
Did you know that you are a musician in this symphony?
Did you know that the music you produce attracts your reality (part of the symphony)?.Read all about it!(I shouted that).
Irreverent Distraction No.6, Beware of the Scientists
You read in the paper; ‘drinking red wine may cause cancer, say scientists’ ... so you analyse your red wine intake (and cut down).
One month later, you read; ‘red wine may not be a cause of cancer, say scientists’ ... so you up your red wine intake, because you’re ok to do so now ... you’ve been given the all clear by the ‘experts’.
But wait! Your ‘red wine soup’ causes cancer ... again
A Hand in Horror
Strangely enough, this could almost be looked at as a love story, between men, but certainly not gay (not that there is anything at all wrong with gay). It is not written as a love story, but the writings contained are from two would be teachers, to their undisputed ‘heroes’, written in an attempt to make their heroes even greater. Can a teacher love a pupil?
It’s time for the Olympics!
Ah but! On an earth ‘twin’ planet, in a parallel Universe, they have a little extra. Someone came up with the bright idea of having Fringe Olympics i.e. various sports here and there which do not, for one reason or another, get to be part of the main events. What the Olympics do for seriousness, the Fringe Games do for ‘fun’.
Enter the portal, and enjoy th
Wot's the Matter
When you look at the world, you could be excused for thinking, ‘what an awful place’, because of all the things that are happening both to you, and to other people ... few are going to explain that this is a trick, played by yourself, on yourself. Science will try and bamboozle you, religion will flummox you, and ,may even fill you with fear ... over ‘nothing’.
Erotic Distraction No 4; Agony Grant
Grant is a self styled Agony Uncle, the world’s greatest; 'probably' doesn’t come into it.
Although he doesn’t have any proper customers, Grant (named Agony Grant by his mate Trev), for publicity, uses the work of another famous agony columnist, just to show potential customers what an expert he really is; he has tons of common sense and bucket loads of compassion.Plenty of 'dirty bits inside...
Absurd Tales from the NHS
The NHS in Britain is in crisis, so this should be an interesting read for those who like hospital dramas. I'm an outsider, but the people from the NHS who have read it have said ... "Too close for comfort." Some from other walks of life have said ... "Well that sounds about true."
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