Rick Gualtieri lives alone in a dark, evil place called New Jersey with only his wife, three kids, and countless pets to both keep him company and constantly plot against him. When he's not busy monkey-clicking out words, he can typically be found jealously guarding his collection of vintage Transformers from all who would seek to defile them - Defilers Beware!
Rick is the author of The Tome of Bill a bestselling Urban Fantasy series.
This series is about a geeky gamer who finds himself thrust into a world of magic, monsters, and assorted other horrors - most of whom want him dead. Looking for brooding heroes pining for lost love? Well, I'm afraid you should seek your reading pleasure elsewhere. The hero of these stories, Bill Ryder, is much more likely to spend his days wondering whether Captain Picard could beat Gandalf the Grey in a battle of wits - all while throwing out caustic one-liners at the creatures dragging the world to Hell around him. What better way to combat the forces of evil than with a quick wit and sarcastic attitude?
The Tome of Bill currently includes:
Bill the Vampire (book 1)
Scary Dead Things (book 2)
The Mourning Woods (book 3)
Holier Than Thou (book 4)
Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill
Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5)
Half A Prayer (book 6)
6 Tips for Avoiding a Vampire Attack from Rick Gualtieri
Being seduced by a beautiful immortal makes for pretty good fantasy, but let's face facts: actually getting your throat torn thrown out by a ravenous creature of the night would probably suck big time - pun fully intended. Here are my tips for avoiding a gruesome fate at the hands of the undead.
1: Avoid being where vampires are
Yeah, that might sound obvious, but you need to cover your bases first if you're gonna live to see your next sunrise. This means staying away from old castles, spooky forests, and villages where they fork the sign of the evil eye at strangers before boarding up their cottages for the night. Note: this shouldn't be confused with avoiding Goth clubs or other places where the patronage are sporting bad capes and false fangs. Those places should be avoided as well, mind you, but for entirely different reasons.
2: Carry a vampire slaying kit
Much like burglars will avoid a house guarded by a Doberman named Grimlock, most vampires would likewise prefer an easy meal as opposed to someone armed to the teeth with weaponry that would make Buffy Summers weep with joy. Some items to never leave home without: Stakes - both wooden and silver, crucifix, holy water, crossbow, machete, and a heavy caliber gun with silver bullets (also handy for werewolves).
3: Wait, won't most of that stuff get me arrested?
Probably, but ask yourself what's worse: a few nights in jail followed by a psych evaluation, or an eternity of servitude to the forces of darkness? Yeah, I thought so. So either man up or just pour some barbeque sauce on your neck and get it over with.
4: Don't rely on garlic
Unless you're a chef, in which case use as much garlic as you want. For the rest of us, though, garlic is iffy at best as a vampire deterrent. It might ward off some, but others might just take it for later use in a marinara sauce and then just bite you anyway. Also, walking around with cloves of garlic hanging from your neck is a good way for ensuring you get ignored by everyone except maybe the vampires chasing you.
5: Running water is a fool's errand
Sure, if you're on one side of the English Channel and a vamp is on the other, the odds are in your favor. Small streams, creeks, and/or swimming pools aren't gonna do much, though, outside of maybe getting a vampire wet - which will only tick them off and lead to a beating before they sink their fangs in. There's no point in adding insult to injury.
6: Only go out during the day
Don't let your friends fool you. They may be out having all sorts of fun at parties, clubs, concerts and the like, but you'll have the last laugh as you sit locked up tight in your home after sundown, surrounded by anti-vamp paraphernalia. Yeah, a member of the opposite sex might occasionally insist that you take them out to a late dinner or a movie, but don't be fooled. They may very well be thralls, hoping to lure you to a messy doom at the hands of their filthy vampire masters. Trust no one. The undead are everywhere.
Where to find Rick Gualtieri online
Half A Prayer (The Tome of Bill, book 6)
An unstoppable terror from the dawn of time has awoken deep beneath the Earth and is headed straight toward Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire. To make matters worse, he’s been deemed a traitor by those he thought to be his allies.
As the world crumbles to pieces around him, Bill must muster his courage, master his powers, and rise to the destiny he’s been trying so long to deny.
Goddamned Freaky Monsters (The Tome of Bill, book 5)
There are reasons we fear the night. Now he’s trying to stop them.
Three months have passed since the fateful encounter in New York City that ended with the disappearance of Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire. Now he’s back and his only chance is to reclaim his life - because if he fails, Hell on Earth will become far more than just a corny saying.
Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill
Payback is a bitch.
For over thirty years I've prowled the night, one of the undead. In that time I've walked amongst you - a wolf in sheep's clothing - doing unspeakable things, killing countless people.
Now, on the eve of Armageddon, a chance for redemption presents itself. My past has come looking for me, beckoning me back to the city of my rebirth for a final showdown with destiny.
Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill, book 4)
There are reasons the undead fear the night...
On the eve of war, The Icon - ancient foe of the vampire race - has arisen. Panic is about to break out within the undead ranks and legendary vampire Bill Ryder is caught smack dab in the middle of it. Destiny has placed them on a cataclysmic collision course.
There's just one small catch: he's in love with her.
The Mourning Woods (The Tome of Bill, book 3)
Bill Ryder: undead geek, dateless dweeb, and legendary vampire is back in his wildest adventure yet.
A war is brewing between ancient enemies from the dawn of time. If it can’t be stopped, the veil will be lifted and all of humanity’s darkest nightmares will be unleashed to wreak havoc.
Now, bill and his friends are the only chance we have...Lord help us all!
Evolution is about to be kicked in the teeth by some very large feet.
An ancient terror has descended upon a remote Colorado town. The legendary beasts known as Sasquatch have emerged from the woods, hell-bent on killing everything in their path.
The only ones standing in their way are a group of wayward campers, a few survivors, and the crew of a cable TV show...but it might just be enough.
Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, book 2)
There are reasons we fear the night. He STILL isn't one of them.
Bill Ryder, the trash-talking undead geek from Bill the Vampire, is back and about to find himself in a whole new world of side-splitting insanity.
New and powerful forces have begun to emerge from the shadows around him. Are they friend or foe? Knowing his luck, do you even have to ask?
Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill, book 1)
There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.
A gamer geek turned into one of the undead?
Surrounded by creatures stronger, faster, and cooler than he is?
Given a 90 day deadline until a more permanent death?
No problem for someone with Bill Ryder's attitude.
Rick Gualtieri’s tag cloud