Ian Watson


"Ian Watson" is the pseudonym of Melvin Bay, Michael Bay's dude piston, who ran away rather than be known as "Megan's Milkman."

Where to find Ian Watson online

Twitter: frankenlotter
Facebook: Facebook profile

Where to buy in print


Transformers Made Me Want To Smoke Crack
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 38,810. Language: English. Published: July 8, 2014. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Humor and satire
(5.00 from 1 review)
After years of watching multiplex garbage, Ian Watson is mad as hell and lets rip about the state of cinema in over seventy irreverent film reviews, explaining everything from the theory of Six Degrees Of Masturbation to why Paris Hilton will one day knock the world off its axis.
Watching Porn With Leatherface
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 24,010. Language: English. Published: May 17, 2014. Category: Fiction » Erotica » Action/Adventure
A collection of bizarre & erotic stories, including 'Semen Demon', 'Greg's Pecker Must Be Destroyed' and 'Sex, Booze & Power Tools.'
Semen Demon
Price: Free! Words: 4,790. Language: English. Published: May 14, 2014. Category: Fiction » Erotica » Action/Adventure
A group of US National Guard trainees, on manoeuvers in the desert, encounter an unusual predator....
The Second Penis Monster's Movie Guide
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 44,870. Language: English. Published: February 6, 2014. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Humor and satire
In 2013, one book was so huge and so awesome that tens of thousands of women became its willing slaves. It later won the Nobel Prize For Literature, thanks to the votes of women. That book was The Penis Monster’s Movie Guide, and now….Ol’ Painless is back!
Son Of Blood Sex & Scooby Snacks
Price: Free! Words: 8,240. Language: English. Published: December 5, 2013. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Humor and satire
Stephen king said: "If you love horror movies you've got to have a love for pure S#it!" Bear that in mind, friends and neighbours, as you suffer through another Michael Bay reboot or a sequel to a movie about a film crew that goes to a haunted asylum. Seriously, who goes to a haunted asylum? Nobody that's who. Well, maybe Scooby Doo....
Price: Free! Words: 3,950. Language: English. Published: October 30, 2013. Category: Fiction » Horror » General
(3.00 from 1 review)
They were illicit, outrageous, obscene. They were the films that were supposed to deprave and corrupt the minds of those who watched them. They were the Video Nasties....and everything you've heard is true.
The Penis Monster's Movie Guide
Price: Free! Words: 11,970. Language: English. Published: February 25, 2013. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Humor and satire
(5.00 from 1 review)
He calls himself "Ol' Painless." He likes bad action movies, Italian zombie flicks and chasing locker room starlets. He's "kind of a dick." And now you can read his thoughts on Uwe Boll, Jean-Claude Van Damme and that mad scientist movie with exploding hookers...
Schlock Sleaze & Cheesy Bs
Price: Free! Words: 12,340. Language: English. Published: December 11, 2012. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Entertainment industry
(5.00 from 1 review)
Sexploitation! Shocksploitation! Blaxploitation! Grindhouses and drive-ins may be gone, but the b-string and basement budget pictures that played them have endured. With their bad acting, drooping mikes and constant mix of day/night shots, you wouldn't call them well-made but there's a strange appeal to their raw, unrestrained shenanigans. Welcome to the golden age of Exploitation Cinema!
The Least Action Heroes
Price: Free! Words: 11,130. Language: English. Published: December 1, 2012. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Entertainment industry
Bad action movies may be the guiltiest of pleasures, but they're also a ton of fun. Whether you're watching Rutger Hauer fight a rubber-suited monster or Chuck Norris single-handedly thwarting a Communist invasion, there's a strange appeal to their occasionally inept, often silly shenanigans. This book is an in-depth celebration of such films, including the likes of Hercules, Silent Rage, etc.
Movies That Witness Madness Part VII
Price: Free! Words: 4,040. Language: English. Published: November 17, 2012. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Entertainment industry
Just because a movie "falls off the screen" doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. Especially if it ends with a naked Susan Strasberg shooting lasers at a 400 year old Indian Medicine Man. In space. In Part 7, "Hollywood Horses#1t", you'll get the lowdown on such incomparable cinematic travesties as The Manitou, Megaforce, House of the Dead and many more...
Movies That Witness Madness Part VI
Price: Free! Words: 3,830. Language: English. Published: October 22, 2012. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Entertainment industry
Attention zombie fans! Like gratuitous gore, diabolical dubbing and showering starlets? In Part 7 of our ongoing series, "Spaghetti Flesh Eaters", you'll get the lowdown on those incomparable Italian Dawn of the Dead knock-offs Burial Ground, Zombie Creeping Flesh, Nightmare City, Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 and more! So dim the lights, open the brewskis and enjoy a bonkers b-movie extravaganza!
Movies That Witness Madness Part V
Price: Free! Words: 3,550. Language: English. Published: October 10, 2012. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Entertainment industry
(5.00 from 1 review)
Which film repeats a shot of Sybil Danning disrobing seventeen times during the end credits? Why did it cause Christopher Lee to apologize to director Joe Dante? And did he know he was appearing in a send-up? In part 5 of this ongoing series, you'll get the answers to these burning questions as well as discovering why we never got to see David Hasselhoff in Pet Sematary 3...
Movies That Witness Madness Part IV
Price: Free! Words: 3,840. Language: English. Published: September 26, 2012. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Entertainment industry
(5.00 from 1 review)
Movies That Witness Madness is an ongoing series exploring the trashy, schlocky, silly joys of midnight cinema. Part IV, "Dwain Esper Goes To The Drive-In" focuses on the peddlers of cheap Drive-In movies who became the kings of turning a profit from trash, including Herscell Gordon Lewis and Al Adamson.
Movies That Witness Madness Part III
Price: Free! Words: 3,560. Language: English. Published: September 7, 2012. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Entertainment industry
(5.00 from 1 review)
Movies That Witness Madness is an ongoing series extolling the trashy, schlocky stupid joys of midnight cinema. In Part 3, you'll discover which film left a drug-addled Stephen King helpless with laughter, how Neil Sedaka was humiliated by a jellyfish and find out which director got their start on Korea-made King Kong knock-off.
Movies That Witness Madness Part II
Price: Free! Words: 3,660. Language: English. Published: August 27, 2012. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Entertainment industry
(5.00 from 1 review)
Movies That Witness Madness is an ongoing series dedicated to the trashy, schlocky, stupid joys of Midnight Cinema. Part II, "Strange Invaders", includes Cat Women Of The Moon, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and Teenagers From Outer Space.
Movies That Witness Madness Part I
Price: Free! Words: 3,870. Language: British English. Published: August 20, 2012. Category: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Entertainment industry
(5.00 from 1 review)
Sick of Big Budget Hollywood Horse$£@t? Of course you are! Who needs all that Michael Bay guff when you can watch movies about modern-day druids, dressed in straw hats and denim dungarees, who exsanguinate their victims in a garden shed? Welcome to the trashy, schlocky stupid joys of the midnight movie!
Now Recruiting
Price: Free! Words: 670. Language: English. Published: July 23, 2012. Category: Fiction » Horror » General
(4.00 from 5 reviews)
Why are homeless people disappearing from from London's streets, never to be seen again? Urban legends of forced labor and black market organ-legging abound, but the truth is far stranger...

Ian Watson’s tag cloud

action    action action packed crime crimefiction fiction france marseille murder mystery oas romance romantic romantic suspense suspense french resistance    action advention    action adventure    action movie    bad movies    bmovies    chuck norris    cinema    drivein    drivein movie    drivein movies    ed wood    erotic horror    erotica    exploitation    extreme horror    film    film classics    film criticism    film essay    film facts    film horror    film review    film reviews    filmstyle scifi    freddy krueger    friday the 13th    grindhouse    halloween    hollywood    hookers    horror    horror action    horror and scifi    horror films    horror movies    humour    humour and sex    joe r lansdale    john carpenter    leatherface    michael bay is the antichrist    movie style sci fi    movies    movies entertainment cinema reference arts photography actors playscriptwriting    movies television beach adventure humor    movies trivia    mst3k    nightmare on elm street    nudity    nudity and sex scenes    nudity explicit sex between two women    nudity in art    penis monsters    penis size    roger corman    sci fi movies    sex    sexploitation    splatterpunk    stephen king    thriller    troma    uwe boll    violence    wes craven    zombie    zombie action    zombie films    zombie movies    zombies   

Ian Watson's favorite authors on Smashwords

Smashwords book reviews by Ian Watson

  • Movies Worth Watching on Nov. 16, 2012

    And this is a book worth reading, especially if you enjoy the brilliantly terrible likes of Galaxina and Barbarella. Best of all is the review of Fire Maidens Of Outer Space, in which the author's love of grade Z sci-fi is apparent.
  • Improper Improvisations 2 on Oct. 26, 2013

    In case you haven't heard, this is the book President Obama cited as his favourite read of 2013. In fact, it encouraged him to return to the typewriter, and Mr Obama now writes erotica under the name "Robin Tumescence." Remember where it all began, people.....
  • Health, The Bible & You : Part 5 - Jesus Recommends Carrot Juice on Nov. 21, 2013

    Read this book. I haven't had this much fun since the rats ate my baby sister!
  • Spooky Stacks: Four Horror Tales on Nov. 21, 2013

    Horror fiction as it should be - fast, unpretentious and FUN.