Chasing Butterflies

A long-forgotten memory creeps back into my consciousness after a 15-year dormancy. In an attempt to understand why, I embark on a journey through my childhood, trying to track the source of this memory and proof that anything about it is real. The chase continues with a humorous jaunt through a life I vaguely remember, a life of filmstrips, first kisses, and sparse parental supervision.

The tale of one butterfly gives way to a quest to recall my first memory. From school days to family vacations, bullies and big brothers, crushes and crushings, this grade school adventure has a bit of everything. Relive the 80's from the perspective of a confused and bumbling latchkey kid just looking to chase down some friends.

Armed only with a complete lack of supervision or guidance a misspent youth turns into a middle school gauntlet. With a smattering of international travel and visits to both coasts, this coming of age is driven by political change and a soundtrack driven by angst. On a chase to discover how to be, the pressures of society and peers force a change that would dictate the outcome for years.

The 1990's kick into gear along with puberty, driving, music, heartbreak, and outright outrageousness. From the first Iraq war through the L.A. Riots, watching as a strange Texas man shakes up politics only to lose to a guy who played saxophone on Arsenio, this coming of age story leads a boy on a chase for manhood until the violence on television become a reality in his quiet little town.

It's off to college for no other reason than it's the logical next step in the programming. On a chase to understand how to fit in, the folly of taking out massive loans to be "educated" highlights the frustration and confusion of wanting something different from life. Without faith in self or friends, I grapple with the need to belong and desire to escape a time and place that doesn't make sense.

Beleaguered by a life that barely seems real, the only choice is to delve into drugs to see if an alternate reality can bring some answers. Hard rhymes become the soundtrack to hard times as the classroom lessons are replaced with lessons from the cubicle and the street. When the chase becomes striving for credibility . . . let's just hope the behaviors don't turn felonious.

As the lines between physical and emotional incarceration blur, the flavor of freedom from hometown Colorado Springs becomes inescapable. Nothing can stop me from returning to the scene of the crime to resume the chase for a passion outside the cubicle. Then again, old habits are hard to break, especially when those habits are based on earning immediate pleasure without regard for consequences.

In a last-ditch effort to find an escape from life in a town with nothing to do, the universe offers a lesson on humility. With another return to the beginning, life goes from screenplay to improvisation with neither being an effective solution to any of the problems until a life-altering opportunity comes along, breaking the cycle of a mutt chasing his tail.

For a moment anonymity and unfamiliarity bring peace. Then they bring magic in the form of mushrooms. Then, of course, shenanigans spin out of control because there is truth to the saying that one cannot run away from one's problems. Of course there is refreshment in dealing with a whole new set of problems but eventually the old stuff chases one down.

For a moment life begins to fall into place. It isn't a great place, but it is a place. Then again, the most familiar place is one of chaos and uncertainty, which is where things end up as the place begins to be decorated with the trophies won from diving face first into poor decision after poor decision. All the while trying to find peace amid the rat chase.

In the continuation of the battle between Brett and New York, only one can win. With an opportunity to chase down the elusive "great job" things are looking up. At the same time, maybe it will end in a tie. More likely it will end in an emotional and financial bloodbath, but you never know. You would think at least one lesson was learned through all of this.

Once again thrust into the toxic arms of Colorado Springs, there is nothing to do but chase down all the responsibilities ignored through 20 odd years of floundering about. Of course this time is going to be different. This time it must be. This time a glimmer of hope shines through.

The thirteenth installment. One that deserves elevation to the pantheon of Chasing things. A break from the narrative to delve into the aesthetic, the emotional, the very ooze that makes 13rett who he is. You like poetry? Sure you do. Have a gander and try not to explode with feels.

Another jaunt through the tumultuous seas of life without a compass, we rejoin the tale atop cloud nine. How long the wonderful will last is anyone's guess, but one thing is certain. For a man on a chase, this can't possibly be the end. It will more likely end up as a series of blunders piling up until something drastic has to happen.

Resigned to the static of life without guidance or conviction, the path spirals toward familiar habits, familiar places, and familiar outcomes. Or perhaps not. There are redheads afoot, and afoots are hard to resist. Red haired afoots impossible. If only he can find a way to stop chasing what will undoubtedly end up as afoots right in the arse.

All trails of the cycle lead back to the beginning. The chase is Möbius. The ends are frayed and the only redemption must come in finding a way back to an ethical ideal. Probably would have been better if ethics were picked up through a channel other than comedy and gangster rap.

In a less than triumphant return to familiar stomping grounds, my intent settles on finding out the source of the butterfly memory once and for all. This time there will be no bad decisions to distract me from this goal. Then again, chasing is what I was bred for so there very well could be a sidetrack or three.

The debt from dropping out of college 13 years prior still burns and etches like acid rain. Can I move forward in life with that ball and chain keeping my attitude locked in a state of deficit and chase? And what of the crew, the lady friend, the Buffalo Sabres? How can I navigate these waters and retain my sanity? The safe bet is that I will do something stupid.

Finally free of the debt albatross, the loneliness settles in. Instead of continuing the mistakes of past I decide to rescue a dog. Instead of this leading to a series of crazy shenanigans, life begins to take a turn toward decent. Will it last? Let's just pretend the answer is a resounding maybe.