by Adam Wasserman
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to the Bunker! An underground, egalitarian dreamland, its people work diligently, eat slop, and watch the tube.
Traitors are bent on destroying this heavenly utopia. Fortunately, Control has instituted a regime of security clearances to promote the most trustworthy and enlist their aid against the rising terrorist threat.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about.