I Mean It, Daphne!
**YOU'RE BORED** And you’re desperate to read something NOW by a distant relative of the Brontë sisters and Attila the Hun, banging on about the state of our world in an abstract humour/profound kind of way, and whose sentences sometimes go on a bit, according to his wife. Well, you're in luck!! More
**YOU'RE BORED** And you’re desperate to read something NOW by a distant relative of the Brontë sisters and Attila the Hun, banging on about the state of our world in an abstract humour/profound kind of way, and whose sentences sometimes go on a bit, according to his wife. Well, you're in luck!!
So let me introduce you to...
Gav the chav and his snooker-table size TV
Gymnauseums, where the quads and glutes and delts and pects, are the gods of brutes and svelte and sex
Netflix’s one and only continuity error
The human body, which remains a trifle sloppy, and still has a half-baked sponge for brains – so best if we leave it for another 30 mins* or so (*millenniums)
Camouflaging our addiction to Nutella by having year-round suntans
Virtually Empty Green Attentio-N Seekers (vegans)
The new Bond, who’s very much mistaken and who, because of weak legs, leans on things a lot
Tennis on the radio, and a stunning volley of unimaginably difficult to read comments about crosscourt backhands from the deuce court, into left forehand corners of right baselines, retuned with forehand spin down some other line or two, before a mini break for breath and a continuing rally of indecipherable servings that pass way over our heads at all times, which means a sudden, but not before time, backspin dink to Classic FM
Einstein’s long lost equation E = m-c
Farting, farts, flatulence (you get the drift)
Modern architecture, which features featureless, flat-packed, fat-packed blocks, built quick in a trick brick stack, to make a big, thick, sick, stack
Middle-aged guys with not an ounce of flat on them
People snapping up gossip mags of celebrities snapping their heels at the snapping paparazzi, and snapping them up even more (the mags) when they start snapping at them for snapping them
Dumbo filmmakers in their director’s chairs who are continually remaking earlier films with almost Total Recall, while Texas Chainsaw Massacring them in the process
The man who can drink 200ml of mustard in 13.9 seconds, or the (one assumes different) man with a collection of 6,290 sick bags, or the (still one assumes different) man who can unravel a whole toilet roll with one hand in 9.8 seconds
Hard drugs, for example, bending over with one of those asthma inhalers in your pocket doesn’t half chafe your thigh
No more homework, thanks to the movie The Shining
Captain Mainwaring solving America’s gun crisis
The subtly complex and fruity Serving of Plonk, modern day varietal
The chauffering of kids from A to B – that’s ‘A’ as in active and ‘B’ as in burdensome brats with breathing bother
De-risking the problem of having eight hours of tedious work ahead of us by solutionising it with seven hours of timewasting, turd-polishing, corporate jargon
Steves’ labours lost. Apple. Think deference.
Speaking spontaneously without the need to recite our words through a transparent, yet, ironically, acutely visible, A4 glass autocue feed. I have a dream that one day leaders of our nations will budge on the colour of their spin and especially on the content of their teleprompter.
Millennials in service positions wishing us all to have a good day, despite there being only 15 minutes left of said day
The death of the great veteran double act, Earth* and humans** (*the thin one; ** the fat one)
…and many, many more. Bye.
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