You detail Caroline’s every movement and action and describe everything she sees, but completely omit her emotions and fantasies if any. She thinks back to her first meeting with Holly, but those thoughts are kept private.
You describe every thing she does to get herself off in minute detail as she is watching. She sighs, giggles, moans and screams and that might be enough for some people, but I was completely unmoved.
Caroline comes across as a cold self-involved bitch. There was nothing for the reader to latch onto to make her real and warm. I couldn’t relate to her at all.
Holly seems far more complete and interesting, but we’re not given enough about her either. Also I cannot understand why Caroline is sure that Holly's approaching orgasm would be her only one tonight when she actually has several more and still hadn’t finished with her young fellow when Caroline’s date turns up.
Eroticism is a mental and emotional thing. If you don’t reach your reader there, your story cannot succeed.
There were 3 errors.
three years when she > three years earlier/ago/before when;; Louboutins, but I tell > but I couldn’t tell;; before push the kid > before pushing the;;
(review of free book)