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So what can I say about myself that wasn't covered in the arrest warrant....
Seriously, I'm a 40-something Black man with a family in Northern Virginia. I have a wife and five kids: three grown men and two small children. I'm self employed in technology, I help people with big problems turn them into manageable problems. If you've been online, chances are you’ve used technology from one of my clients that I helped implement.
I grew up in the city of broad shoulders, Chicago. I still have great affection for the city, so much so that I never visit it and only call the people I know there infrequently. For me it’s like that great love of your life that gave you crabs. Technically you are not super sure it was her, and she swears it was you, so when you see each other you half smile, kind of wave, and don't look each other in the eye. You then head in separate directions as quickly as you can. That, in a nutshell, is Chicago and I.
I have lot of education, most of it has been somewhere between impressive and useless (yes Columbia, I mean you) and just plain useless. Pursuing a degree in technology after you are working in the field is mostly the same as putting on the condom after she gets out of bed, it typically isn't going to do you the amount of good you think it is.
It’s fair to say that I like cigars from a certain island nation south of Miami. I won't expand on that topic because as you go through more and more of my writing that topic becomes less and less prominent.
None of that is important. What’s important is I have a surly disposition, an eye for detail, and a talent for combining the two into a story. Most of these stories, these essays on the condition known as life, are totally streamed from my consciousness and driven by the love of a great cigar and a mind that sees the more colorful illustrations existence brings our way. These stories are, in my humble opinion, both profane and profound. I'd have to admit that unless you live in a culture where fuck, shit, and terms of culturally-pointed humor are in everyday use then these stories might be, by today’s tight definitions which are gagged and bound in political correctness, slightly inappropriate.
Actually they are probably exceptionally inappropriate. As an example, I make jokes about the fact that a lot of men of Latino descent push lawn mowers for a living. But let's be honest, if you have ever seen a white man pushing a lawn mower that wasn't at his house that was more than likely a work release crew member. They are trying to give that accountant a couple of hours of peace each day before they put him back with the drug dealers and gang members for his two o'clock raping. The only reason they send white-collar criminals to jail is because gang members need to get laid or they start shanking guards.
Hey I warned you before, this is just stream of consciousness stuff.
Unlike most of today's authors, I write the same way I speak, and the last time I heard someone use whom correctly the movie I was watching was in black in white. So I use the words I know and write the things I know. You'll like it or you won't; I'll let the chips fall where they may on that point. And most of what you read is true. Some small part of it is poetic license or alliteration, which is a way of saying "I made it up" so it sounds sweeter in your ear.
Is some of it over the top? Well I’d say no, but I'm sure someone will think it is. That's the nature of the beast, I suppose.
While I pretty much make fun of everything and everyone, I’m not against gays, lesbians, black, brown, yellow, white, red (I love all seven of the remaining Native Americans), women, men, cats, dogs, Catholics, Jews, Arabs...you get my point here. So if I target your race, creed, color, religion, sexual preference, previous life choice, etc., it’s not because I dislike those people. It’s because I thought of something funny to say about them. Hell, I’ve made fun of MYSELF in most of these musings, so you will just have to learn to live with it.
That’s all I got. Smoke well.