on Nov. 8, 2012 :
A nice scenario for a short story. I don't really see the need to break such a short story into numerous chapters, however...
Firstly, the characters needed to be much more clearly defined. Angela and Sandy are almost interchangeable, apart from the fact that Angela is the more headstrong we know very little about them. What do they look like? How old are they? What do they do when they're not on a ramble? How long have they been trying to find men for, have they had any previous relationships, why are they single?
Secondly, there's a lack of description, atmosphere. We aren't given a hint of what the weather's like until it becomes significant, for instance. Is it a hot day, a cold day? Is it early morning, mid-afternoon?
Thirdly, the 'drama' seems rather forced. Without knowing how old the protagonists are, it seemed a bit far-fetched that the two girls would be reduced to sobbing wrecks just because they get caught in a downpour, similarly Sandy's change of attitude towards Chris seemed to come about too
easily. For me, he needed to do something a bit more heroic to cause this.
Lastly, a lot of the dialogue tags seemed awkward. Lots of 'Angela asked Sandy' and 'Sandy said to Angela' when there's just the two of them in the scene, for example. And some are just wrong - how can Rob 'correct' someone who is asking a question?
On the plus side, I don't think I spotted any typos, spelling errors or punctuation faults, it's nice to come across a writer who checks their work properly before uploading it.
I think the story has a lot of potential... But I think it needs to be told entirely from Sandy's viewpoint throughout, and it needs more depth through what she sees, hears, smells, feels, thinks, remembers etc.
(review of free book)