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on Oct. 19, 2011 :
What a huge disappointment. I've heard it said that you should write what you know. Unfortunately, this author should have applied that advice to writing a manual or some other technical piece, for surely he knows about credit card readers, but writing fiction is definitely not his cup of tea. Too much harping on the minutia of banking and credit card fundamentals only acts to slow the story down and drag it out unnecessarily.
Also distracting, and maybe it’s a geographical thing (the prose sound more English than American) is the use of the words “Hence” and “Whilst” on nearly every page. Not that that’s a crime, but the overuse of any word wears a reader out quickly, and those two words own this book. Seriously, the author should do a search and destroy on them. He’ll see what I mean.
I found the narration weak, too, with imagery that strains the ear like fingernails on a chalkboard. In one lame attempt to sound funny, I guess, the author writes, “…couldn’t have been more (insert the F-word past tense here) if Ron Jeremy had been bouncing up and down on it at that very moment”. Nice…Not.
Another attempt at visual descriptiveness has the author painting a picture of one character as he “flicked his eyes over the seated masses”. Really? Flicked his eyes? Bet that hurt.
Also, too many off-the-cuff comments by the narrator seemed more intrusive than narrative. Such passages as: “When he had started at the bank, back in the Cretaceous period, he had been a Supervisor….” Referencing the Cretaceous period might be okay and funny if the narration was in first person, but this story is told in 3rd person omniscient focalized. Attempts at humor like this should be limited to character dialogue, and even then it should be funny.
I felt there were other overly labored attempts to add linguistic dimension as well, which more often than not fell short. Simple typos like forgetting to make “tongue” plural (e.g., “…their tongue hanging out”) is forgivable, and the author didn’t do it as much as other new authors, but clearly a good copy editor could have helped this author get ready for prime time.
Overall, I think the story has potential, once you get past the strained morphology. I would recommend, however, that the author learn to use the comma key once in a while. Too many run-on sentences tripped me up. I had to go back and separate sentences in my mind to get the flow right. A great book by Lynne Truss called, “EATS SHOOTS & LEAVES” could be a huge help to this author. It’s a classic and a must read for anyone that aspires to write well.
Overall, I was not impressed, in fact I was disappointed. If this book were free, I would not have been so critical. But since the author is asking his readers for money, I think the buyer should know what’s in store. It’s nice when one has friends to leave good reviews with words like “Excellent”, “Tremendous “ and “Interesting”, but this book was none of those things. I give it 1-Star.
(reviewed 2 days after purchase)
on Aug. 21, 2010 :
This was an excellent short! I couldn't stop reading and was sad when it was done. Can't wait for more of this story.
(reviewed 27 days after purchase)
on Aug. 15, 2010 :
The story is an interesting look at something the majority of the general public takes for granted. The author has done a tremendous job of entertaining as well as making one think. I would read anything this author writes.
(reviewed 21 days after purchase)
on Aug. 04, 2010 :
I enjoyed this a lot.. can't wait for more on this story and from this author.
(reviewed 6 days after purchase)