Tall Tales of The Bible Belt
Stories recount burning bushes talking in the hills. How atheists are loved in the Bible Belt. We hunt for their fur. Scripture read to a car on a cold morning starts the motor. How fast can angels fly? Prayers helps team win a basketball game. The minister's wife found a girly magazine down at the bus depot. She brought it home, put in the dishwasher. Came out the Ladies Home Journal. More
Funny stories from the Bible Belt. A man was sitting in the second row in church. He burst into flames, shot out the window in a ball of fire. He was eating M&Ms. He deserved it. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. The minister's wife found a girly magazine down at the bus depot. She brought it home, put in the dishwasher. It come out the Ladies Home Journal. Lord moves in mysterious ways.
The Law of Pie. In the Bible Belt, there is the law of pie. If you caught drunk driving in the Bible Belt, you've got to recite Bible verses
and you can't eat pie for two weeks. If you rob a bank, and kill two tellers, you can't eat pie for six years.
If you cheat on your taxes you can't have pie
for six months. And if you and your wife fuss
and fight over nothing like who shot the dog. You stop making love. One of you acting and talking uglier than the other. Here's some pie. You need it.
If you go to church you deserve a piece of pie. If you dressed up nice and your shoes is shined, you get pie. You do a good deed, like help an old lady cross the street, or open the door for someone carrying grocery bags, here's a pie. Help yourself. You deserve it. You are pie-certified. If jump in the lake and save a child from drowning you get free pie from every restaurant. If you shoot a grizzly bear about to eat somebody, you have won yourself a pie.
If you can pray real good, you will receive more pies than you can eat. More pies than it's humanly possible to consume.
But if you don't pray or read your Bible, if you use the Lord's name in vain, if you womanizing, drunk, gambling,cussing, you ain't getting no pie. Don't even ask. Don't whine about it. Don't smack your lips and point at your open mouth and rub your stomach. You ain't getting no pie no how, no time.
The Law of Pie was enacted way back in 1934, by the governor of Tennessee, Hoyt Sallerby, of Bristol, Tennessee. He had a vision that if society was governed by who was allowed to eat pie, punishing undesirable behavior by denying people the right to eat pie, we could arrive a state of utopia.
And that's what has happened. We want to eat pie so bad that we have changed. Criminals who have robbed banks would not think of doing it again. Because they have paid the price. Anyone who sells illegal drugs cannot have pie. Can't buy a pie. Their lips will never touch a lemon meringue or apple or cherry or pecan or pumpkin pie. Same goes for pickpockets, embezzlers, kidnappers, rapists, burglars and arsonists.
No pie for anybody who don't know right from wrong. If you tell a lie, you can't have a piece of pie. And you know why. Pie is reward for rightenous living.
Failure to pay your rent or utility bills in the state of Tennessee will get you on the No Pie List. Use profanity and you go right to the top of the list. And if you smoke or drink too much or gamble or get into a brawl at the local pub, your pie privileges will be suspended indefinitely. If you get caught speeding in your car, if you run a stop sign, if you tailgate or use your cell-phone while driving, what do you think will happen? That's right. No pie.
Of course, for good god-fearing people, the Law of Pie is easy as pie. But there are those who can't find it within themselves to obey the law. And for them, the Law of Pie is tyrannical, unforgiving and all encompassing. It's one dessert that governs us, teaches us how to live within the Law of Pie.
For them that live outside the Law of Pie, you'll know them because they will be sickly and scrawny. Not eating pie robs the body of nutrients and minerals. Let this be a warning to renegades and ill-mannered folks. Pie has spoken.