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You really want me to reveal personal information here?
O.K then... here's some stuff you might (or might not) like to know about me!
Well for starters you can contact me on email@example.com
1_Are you bored. Then do what I do. Take off all your clothes and paint your face and arse bright blue. Then run outside and shout abuse at passers-by... passes the time if nothing else!
2_Managed 18 keepy ups with ye old pigs bladder once....What's that you say? Not that impressive you say! Well. What I failed to tell you was that the pigs bladder that I did the 18 keepy ups with was still inside the pig!
3_Not pissing on the evil that is Milthy Swinebuckle, if he were ever to catch fire
4_Scratching my arse!
5_Watching Milthy get his arse kicked by a three legged tortoise...HA !!!
6_Scratching my arse and..oh wait I've already said that! Ah, what the hell. It's a good one so I'll say it again.
7_???? **** ???? with **** then ?*?*!
8_Wondering what I'm doing during hobby seven?
MY most prized possession: Hitler's missing left testicle (NOT FOR SALE).
My most famous quotes:
1_A step in the right direction can still mean the death of an ant!
2_I look down on almost everybody...although come to think about it, it's probably because I do climb a lot of trees!
3_You know that poem "if", what a load of crap. Kipling got it all wrong. What he should have said was "If you can portray the ideas you get to a sober man (no matter how shite though's ideas may be), and keep a straight face. Then you'll be a man MA SON!
4_HMMMMMM........I think I'll eat my socks!
5_MMMMM.......cheese and onion flavour .........NNNNIIIICCCCEEE!!!!
6_Ignore the above quote's and instead just read and live your life by number 7.
7 As far as I'm concerned you should not judge a fellow person on their looks, sex, race or beliefs. There are only two types of people: 1_Everyday ordinary people who just want to get on with their lives and not bother anybody else...2_The preachers, the arseholes and the gobshites who want to tell you what you should do and how you should be doing it.
My favourite words:...knickers, bra's, boobs, bums, knockers, shit, shite, bollicks, twat, boobs (such a good word it needed to be said twice), gussets, stains, ugabalooga, randy, stodgeflaps, fgkgkujhghrewh, and TURD!!! That's TURD... Got it? No? Then I'll say it again, just in case you missed it...T.U.R.D
My Arch Enemies:
1_Milthy Swinebuckle....Beware he who sneaks, creeps, squawks and chortles. He who goes by many names. Names such as....Archibald Stott, Feagus the mostly squidgy, Terrance the quite nasty tormentor etc..., but to me I shall always know him as Milthy Swinebuckle (or if I meet him face to face....ARSEWIPE).
2_Mr.Hairy Monkfish....Swinebuckle's main henchman (and suspected bumchum)
3_Randy Stodgeflaps....not much to say about this guy except he is one of Swinebuckle's best mates and a bit of a ballbag!
Charity work.....Milthy Swinebuckle has been infected with writers tourettes. Only I can help him. I really hope I don't catch it though, as every few words he writes he can't stop himself writing words like..."KNICKERS" or"ARSE" or some other filth. It takes him a good twenty minutes to write and edit a single sentence. I really "NADS" feel sorry "BOOBS" for the "GUSSETS" poor guy......"B...BB...BBB BOTOMSSS, ARSEHOLES, PANTS,......oh bugger."
PS: Milthy ya little ninnyhammer, how are things. I ain't heard from ya, me old buddy, for quite some time. I hope you've not been arrested again for snorting tadpoles out'ta Mrs.Plunderthunks fish-pond....ya dirty little sod!
PPS: Does anyone actually read any of this personal information shit?
on Sep. 15, 2012 :
This is a great sword and sorcery story from Jonathan Strickland, and is very fast moving, full of interesting characters, lots of muscle, magic and monsters and quite a bit of blood.
Calin is a warrior mercenary who loves his women, and his ale. In fact he’s in the pub when he hears a tale of distant Pagzuire, where peoples’ hearts are being ripped from their chests by person or thing unknown. A local wizard on the island has spread the story far and wide in the hope of attracting a group of warriors to locate and destroy the culprit.
So off Calin goes to make his name and fortune, and getting to the island, he becomes one of a “Magnificent Seven” of hard-as-nails barbarians, determined to get to the bottom of the macabre mystery. However, despite a massive battle, all does not go well, and soon Calin has to look much further afield to find a partner –trainee magician Vlax – to help him on his quest.
At 39,000 words, this is the longest thing Strickland has yet published, and yet it effortlessly retains the fast-moving pace and down-to-earth characters of his short stories. OF MUSCLE AND MAGIC is compelling from the beginning, and action-packed. The battle concerning the seven mercenaries makes up quite a large scene in the middle of the book, and it moves with an almost breathless pace, with blood and gore, monsters and severed limbs everywhere. Take care not to break the buttons on your Kindle device from pressing them too fast. Then unexpectedly the story goes off in a different direction, as Calin searches for a young magician to help him; when he finds him, Vlax has big problems of his own!
I loved this story and read it in two exciting sittings. It has everything you would expect had you read any of the authors shorter work; larger-than-life yet down-to-earth characters, evil demons and massive great monsters; humour and sardonic wit, and a great story at its heart. I thought it read a bit like a cross between one of those fast Moorcock novels like THE RUNESTAFF, for its twisting story and fast pace, and the work of Clark Ashton Smith or Robert E Howard for its brilliant flurry of invention.
If you love fantasy fiction, especially the sort written by Howard, Leiber and Kuttner, then this is an excellent read, in fact it very much follows in the footsteps of those authors by being a self-contained and excellent short fantasy novel, instead of a massive never-ending and self-indulgent series of doorstops, like most modern fantasy. Hopefully, Mr Strickland will follow in Howard and Leibers footprints further by producing more stories of his heroes Calin and Vlax and their brilliantly-imagined demon-haunted world.
(review of free book)