The Erotic Adventures of Candide
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For Adults Only. Erotic Satire. This is an erotic version of Voltaire's satiric masterpiece with additional satire for our times. More
In Westphalia, a gentle youth lived in the beautiful castle of Baron Thunderstormcumlightning. Anyone could look at the youth’s face and see that he was both good-natured and weak-minded. This is why he was given the name Candide, although Virginia would have been a good choice if he had been born female. No one knew who his parents were, but that did not keep the servants from guessing, aka gossiping. Their guess, or gossip, was that Candide was the son of the Baron’s sister and a nearby nobleman. The two knew each other well enough to sleep together, although they did not know each other well enough to speak to each other in public. After all, in some circles, sleeping together does not constitute an introduction. Besides, the Baron’s sister could trace her noble family back 72 generations, while the nearby nobleman could trace his nobility back only 71 generations. No marriage could ever result from two people who were so widely disparate in social class.
The Baron was well respected, for his castle had a door and actual windows, rather than simply openings to the great outdoors. His hall had a tapestry, and his dogs were numerous enough to form a hunting pack. Such wealth demanded respect, and so all the people around laughed when the Baron told a joke.
The Baroness weighed 350 pounds, thus demonstrating an aversion to starving. She would not die easily in a famine. Such foresight demanded respect, and all the people around looked at her butt whenever she waddled in public.
Other members of the family included the Baron’s 17-year-old beautiful and delicate daughter, Cunegonde, who was a virgin, although all the boys around wished that she were not when they looked at her butt whenever her hips swayed in public. The son of the Baron was as beautiful and as delicate as Cunegonde, and he demonstrated a sense of fashion seldom seen in young men who play sports, which he did not. Dr. Pangloss was the tutor to Cunegonde and to Candide, and Candide marveled at his intelligence.
Dr. Pangloss taught all subjects at the same time and in the same way. He specialized in philosophy and theology and history and grammar and rhetoric and nonsensicology. He argued at length in every lecture that this is the best of all possible worlds and the Baron is the best of all possible Barons and he, Dr. Pangloss, is the best of all possible tutors. He also argued that the paper used to make his Ph.D. diploma was the best of all possible paper, although some people who were apparently jealous of Dr. Pangloss’ great learning thought that toilet paper was more useful.
In his lectures, Dr. Pangloss gave many examples of how the world had been designed to serve Mankind. For example, the design of eyes made it possible for Mankind to see, the design of ears made it possible for Mankind to hear, and the design of dildos made it possible for women to avoid marriage. Because of these things, we know not only that the world is good, but also that the world is the best of all possible worlds.