THE ARK ANGEL RONALD'S QUEST FOR CHAOS

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The world is in danger of becoming dull and boring. Evil has gone and the goody-two-shoes have taken over. Without evil all creativity will be lost. The music charts will fill up with boy-bands and rock and roll will die out. This will not do!

There is only one explanation for this horrendous occurrence. Satan must have gone soft. But the Ark angel Ronald has plans to change Satan back! More
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Price: Free!

Published: Nov. 19, 2012
Words: 4,420
Language: English
About Jonathan Antony Strickland

You really want me to reveal personal information here?
O.K then...here's some stuff you might (or might not) like to know about me!

Well for starters you can contact me on milthyswinebuckle@gmail.com

My Hobbies:
1_Are you bored. Then do what I do. Take off all your clothes and paint your face and arse bright blue. Then run outside and shout abuse at passers-by....passes the time if nothing else!
2_managed 18 keepy ups with ye old pigs bladder once....What's that you say? Not that impressive you say! Well. What I failed to tell you was that the pigs bladder that I did the 18 keepy ups with was still inside the pig!
3_Not pissing on the evil that is Milthy Swinebuckle, if he where ever to catch fire
4_scratching my arse!
5_Watching Milthy get his arse kicked by a three legged tortoise...HA !!!
6_Scratching my arse and..oh wait I've already said that! Ah, what the hell. It's a good one so I'll say it again.
7_???? **** ???? with **** then ?*?*!
8_Wondering what I'm doing during hobby seven?
9_Plus...yawning, farting, drinking ten bottles of brown, smoking (various substances) and how to become immune to getting kneed in the balls from various women who find my charming advances not to their liking!

MY most prized possession: Hitler's missing left testicle (NOT FOR SALE).

My most famous quotes:
1_A step in the right direction can still mean the death of an ant!
2_I look down on almost everybody...although come to think about it, it's probably because I do climb a lot of trees
3_You know that poem "if", what a load of crap. Kipling got it all wrong. What he should have said was "If you can portray the ideas you get to a sober man (no matter how shite though's ideas may be), and keep a straight face. Then you'll be a man MA SON!
4_HMMMMMM........I think I'll eat my socks!
5_MMMMM.......cheese and onion flavour .........NNNNIIIICCCCEEE!!!!
6_Ignore the above quote's and instead just read and live your life by number 7.
7 As far as I am concerned you should not judge a fellow person on there looks, sex, race or beliefs. Their are only two types of people: 1_Everyday ordinary people who just want to get on with there lives and not bother anybody else...2_The preachers, the arseholes and the gobshites who want to tell you what you should do and how you should be doing it.

My favourite words:...knickers, bra's, boobs, bums, knockers, shit, shite, bollicks, twat, boobs (such a good word it needed to be said twice), gussets, stains, ugabalooga, randy, stodgeflaps, fgkgkujhghrewh, and TURD!

My Arch Enemies:
1_Milthy Swinebuckle....Beware he who sneaks, creeps, squakes and chortles. He who goes by many names. Names such as....Archibald Stott, Feagus the mostly squidgy, Terrance the quite nasty tormentor etc..., but to me I shall always know him as Milthy Swinebuckle (or if I meet him face to face....ARSEWIPE).
2_Mr.Hairy Monkfish....Swinebuckle's main henchman (and suspected bumchum)
3_Randy Stodgeflaps....not much to say about this guy except he is one of Swinebuckle's best mates and a bit of a ballbag!

Charity work.....Milthy Swinebuckle has been infected with writers tourettes. Only i can help him. I really hope I don't catch it though, as every few words he writes he can't stop himself writing "KNICKERS" or"ARSE" or some other filthy word. It takes him a good twenty minutes to write and edit a single sentence. I really "NADS" feel sorry "BOOBS" for the "GUSSETS" poor guy......"B...BB...BBB BOTOMSSS, ARSHOLES, PANTS,......oh bugger".

PS: Milthy ya little ninnyhammer, how are things. I ain't heard from ya me old buddy for some time. I hope you've not been arrested again for snorting tadpoles out'ta Mrs.Plunderthunks fish-pond....ya dirty little sod?

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Reviews

Review by: Emily Carter on April 25, 2013 : star star star star
Great view of a world without evil! It just goes to show that you can't have the good without the bad. Loved the ending!
(review of free book)

Review by: Rob Wilkins on Jan. 14, 2013 : star star star star
** spoiler **

This story is like a drug-addict's take on It's A Wonderful Life, and run through with ideas that range from the berserk and twisted to the outright hilarious. At the point where Ron is planning to eat the guy's liver with baked beans because "the supermarket didn't sell the right type" I had to stop reading until I was done laughing. Great fun.
(review of free book)

Review by: Michael Carter on Nov. 22, 2012 : star star star star
My friend Jonny Strickland's first story, and while you can see a huge improvement curve in his recent writing, all of his trademark humour and plot is here.

The story deals with heavy themes, that of neccesary evil, but does so without a hint of pretentiousness. In everyman matter-of-fact prose, Jonny's story is a bit like a twisted CHRISTMAS CAROL with the Ark Angel Ron taking the Devil to see a happy jolly caring world where there is no evil.

Along the way there are observations on sexual positions and whether serial killers have any mates to go to the pub with. The story is increasingly laced with black humour; I was particularly tickled with the thought of Ron copying THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, but not being able to get any Fava beans at the shop, so just slapping a poor mans liver on a plate with a tin of cold baked beans. Oh My!

Reminiscent of Douglas Adams, this is a great fun story, utterly without pretension.
(review of free book)

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