Francis W. Porretto
on June 20, 2013 :
Not bad. Not entirely original -- the core motif has been used before -- but still, a nice turn on a particularly frightening quasi-solipsistic fantasy.
The story is slightly overwritten, especially very near the beginning. A career assassin is highly unlikely to be as flowery-descriptive as "Vincent Malick" was in his introduction of himself. You might want to dial it back about 25% in the rewrite.
Also, I must gig you for pronoun errors. The worst of them is what I think of as "the coward's way out:"
-- There is something so viscerally satisfying, so empowering about the feel of taking another person’s life, to see their existence cease, to watch awareness leave their eyes to be replaced by a never-ending blank stare. --
The word "person" is SINGULAR, so any pronoun that refers back to it must be SINGULAR. But like so many contemporary writers, you quailed at the idea of writing "his," which is the proper generic singular pronoun, and used the plural "their" instead. Bad writer! No bourbon!
The other instance that grated on me was the alternate form of "the coward's way out:"
-- The more I know about a victim, the more real he or she becomes to me. --
This is awkward and inelegant. Besides, "a victim" can have only one gender at a time, no? Rewrite: "The more I know about a victim, the more real he becomes to me." As we editors like to say: -30-, and feel free to sneer at the militant feminist language harridans on your way out. You'll find it quite refreshing.
Other than that, well done: 4.33 stars.
(review of free book)