on June 29, 2013 :
You have a very charming story here. I strongly encourage you to make it a full novel and delve some more into these characters, their background, why they are friends, expand some scenes that are summed up in narration. You really skip over a lot of scenes that could be a lot of fun to read. Maybe give the main character an emotional arc so he learns and changes over the duration of the story.
Make sure that you use proper tenses when you tell your story. Sometimes you’ll switch from present to past in the same sentence and often in two sentences linked to each other.
I really like the unusual way you have to retell a special moment that happened by saying “… and it went like this”. It felt strange at first but I got to really like as the more I read the more it created a style and a way for the narrator to express himself.
It might be a simple love story but those happen in real life and they are bittersweet. It’s definitely worth your time if you feel like making it bigger.
(review of free book)