on Dec. 9, 2013 :
I make it a point to rate everything I read, even stories like this.
The idea is nice, but there is no horror or crime.
Your pacing is not so bad, but there are places the story just jumps or things happen for no reason other than to get characters out of the way... grandma suddenly leaves, narrator falls asleep...
ask yourself how and why things happen, dont just let things happen for no reason, put yourself in the situation and think what would i do, why, and how?
the narrator sees a fuzzy pic of himself at the computer when there is no earthy explanation. Author decides to have character run into bathroom with ipad and a soda.... for apparently the rest of his life. Huh?
ever see "The Matrix"? Neo has alot of wtf? moments, which are explained by Morpheus. This story is kind of like watching only the scene of Neo getting the initial computer text from Trinity, and then the movie ends there.
How about something like having the character search the wall/whatever where the fuzzy image seems to have been taken from? Would you wonder about NSA spying, given the recent news? Would the character think maybe he has been followed for a while for something he did online, or sites he visited? Maybe that's why he took ipad, cause there is something incriminating on it?
For the kind of thriller you seem to be trying to write, I highly recommend you read "The Monkey's Paw"... short, to the point, masterpiece of horror/thriller writing. Study it's structure, word choices to build tension, etc.
You have a nice start, an easy reading style, just dont get lazy and spit out whatever comes to mind. Think of what your goal is and why, and everything in the middle will come together.
(review of free book)