The Haggy Chronicles
After reading my description of the Hagster you have probably come to suspect that there is a darker side to her writing - and you’d be right. There is. Haggy has a complex and severe mental health (MH) affliction that she’s struggled with all of her life. It’s only recently been diagnosed though - but too late to change her core thinking and belief patterns, I’m afraid. So some of her stories More
By Son of Hag
Due to fear of consequential humiliation I have insisted my real identity be withheld.
Of course Haggy took great exception to my demand and sulkily counter-demanded the above alternative. By itself her solution was appalling enough to almost warrant my change of mind, I may add - but then I figured hey! It's better than having my real name splashed across the countryside.
So first up, I want to set the record straight on this whole ‘introduction’ thing. I did not - and still do not - want to become involved in another one of Hag's hare-brained schemes. However, she has left me with little choice. Due to her present state of total physical incapacitation - and the fact that she has no friends - I am the only sucker available to write it. On the only bright side, those factors meant I was able to negotiate an unprecedented deal giving me total control over the introduction’s content.
Naturally I intend to take full advantage of my temporary power. I've decided to begin with a full explanation of her present invalid status, because it typifies what she's like - and I expect a lot of sympathy when you see what I have to put up with on a daily basis!
... the towel she was pegging out suddenly ‘urned eral an in a ishush an unroroked a'ack’ - Haggy lingo for: ‘turned feral and in a vicious and unprovoked attack - bit her on the face. Now being of a passive and analytical nature Haggy responded predictably - by flaying the offending towel against the old Hills Hoist’s upright. Whereupon it promptly bit her again! Both bites had caught her on the left profile and the area began to swell immediately. She was obviously in a lot of pain, but not being one to 'throw in the towel' so to speak (sorry Haggy - not!) she merely increased the ferocity of her attack.
…This action met with a predictable (to anyone but Haggy) response of all-out war.
By the time she finally decided that retreat was the only intelligent option, she looked like a magenta version of the marshmallow man out of 'Ghostbusters' – although he had a friendlier disposition...
...Which brings me to the point of why I call my mum, 'Haggy'.
Most people initially think the term is disrespectful but then, most people don't have the Hagster for a Mother!
Haggy herself regards it as a term of high esteem.
"In ancient times," she went to some trouble to explain to my ten-year old self when I angrily accused her of being 'an old hag'; "wise women and healers were known as crones, witches and/or hags. It is a sad-but-true testes-ment (‘testament’ for the unlearned) to mans' ongoing sense of inferiority that he chooses to misrepresent such titles in his dicktionary. However, I am one of those who reclaim the rightful meanings to ancient terms, thus I thank you for your compliment and applaud you on the astute nature of your perception. Er...but lose the 'old' kid, or you won't see your eleventh birthday."
No, I did not make any of that up.
Yes, she really does talk like that.
....When you read her 'Chronicles' you'll find that out for yourself.
Actually, I’m really hoping that you will read them because then she'll write more of them - and the more she writes the more she stays outa my face. Better yet, the more she writes, the less she sleeps and the less she sleeps, the less she snores - which means the rest of the household (i.e. me) can get restful nights!
Oh...and before you go getting all snitty about my 'selfishness', let me assure you that I am not the only one who espouses these complaints about the Hagster’s noisy proboscis. In fact, I have a petition signed by almost twenty signatories. Well, they're not actually signatures...more like paw prints and insect splodges, but hey! Haggy says that all life is equal so I figure she ought to take notice of the complainant's wishes regardless of their species.
Then again, I figure she should do my washing and ironing too...fat chance!
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