Joshua S. Friedman
on Oct. 23, 2014 :
Okay...as I've said over and over again, short stories are hard to write. The secret: subtext. Basically, your story needs to be about more than what's on the page (or in this case, screen); a story between the lines; so to speak. You have to say something. I found no subtext within "Naples". Clearly (but I've been wrong before), the author is writing from personal experience. Kudos. Take that pain and misery and turn it on its head. That's what real writers do. Just make sure there's a point to what you're writing about.
Furthermore, this lacked proper editing. Egregious and inconsistent spaces between paragraphs; awkward phrasings and jumbled sentences.
You realize you're allowed to check that before publishing, right?
I understand people speak differently on your side of the pond, but the sentence, "I questioned her rather puzzled," is a grammatical travesty.
And how the psychic "Seemed to be a lot of fun": How did she seem fun? Did her hazel-eyes sparkle with a whimsical countenance? Did she chuckle hoarsely? SHOW ME these people/characters.
Your writing needs a lot of work, but don't get discouraged. You obviously have a lot of heart. And it shows. All the best, and keep writing.
(review of free book)