Ben Trovato's Art of Survival
Around 50 people die unnatural deaths every day in South Africa. This creates the impression that it's a violent country. It's not. We're just rubbish at surviving. This essential guide will help you – wherever you live – to survive armed robberies, shark attacks, smoking, drowning, biological warfare, pregnancy, old age, alien invasion, drunk driving, brake failure and even suicide. More
South Africans excel in many fields and people around the world know of their achievements in sports, the arts and business. What they aren’t so good at is surviving. Every day, dozens of South Africans get themselves bludgeoned, strangled, burnt, stabbed or shot. Hundreds more end up in hospital after falling off balconies, slipping in baths, tripping over cats and crashing their cars.
In this respect, South Africans are no different to anyone else in the world. With the possible exception that they never get themselves blown up by religious fundamentalists.
Everyone needs to learn how to survive better. And Ben Trovato's Guide to Survival will help you do just that. Covering a wide range of territory, Mr Trovato tells readers how to identify and prevent white-collar crimes such as bank fraud, credit card fraud and timeshare.
He also provides invaluable advice on what to do when confronted with a gang of angry perlemoen poachers and, for the more domestic-minded, he shares his favourite recipe for pan-fried perlemoen.
Readers who implement Mr Trovato’s recommendations pertaining to home security will never be burgled again. His revolutionary ideas about minefields and moats will put an end to housebreaking once and for all.
Mr Trovato does not stop at providing advice on how to merely defend one’s self and one’s home. He goes much further than that by advising readers on how to be more pro-active in the fight against crime. His suggestion on launching pre-emptive strikes against suspected varmints would, on its own, go a long way towards nipping crimes of violence in the bud. He is also a staunch advocate of vigilantism and cites former New York architect, Mr Charles Bronson, as one of his role models.
In his book, Mr Trovato provides a valuable public service by listing a number of weapons for which one does not need a licence. These include crossbows, flensing knives, napalm and lions, all of which are capable of deterring the most persistent of varmints.
Mr Trovato also gives women a detailed description of the level of violence needed to stop a drunk man from harassing them in a bar. The rudimentary tracheotomy is step two in an eight-step plan of action.
This vital handbook also provides readers with all the information they need on how to survive nuclear and biological attacks. For those who wish to launch their own attacks, he provides handy step-by-step guides on how to wage germ warfare and make your own nuclear bomb.
And should extra-terrestrial beings make an unscheduled landing on your front lawn, Mr Trovatoʼs advice will help you determine whether they are friendly aliens or the type that will assault you with a rectal probe and steal your wifeʼs uterus.
This book is a must for anyone who is serious about wanting to live. Or not, as the case may be.
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