on Dec. 13, 2015 :
I'll be honest with the flow of this chapter. It was rushed. The content could have easily been doubled, some of the paragraphs left me confused as to who was talking or to what was going on. I can tell the characteristics were very well done. Though I'm left confused as to why the character had to tell us her hair was short now and we were given a description of much longer hair. Easily enough, I liked how strong the woman came across in her fight to free herself from the man who bit her. I'm aware that as an audience we are reading him as a vampire or a werewolf. He was tall, dark, and dashing. A little scene re-organization, some patience with the flow of the chapter, and double spacing between paragraphs will give the reader a chance to adjust from scene to scene.
The words are 4,960. I can see this first chapter easily reaching 12,000 given the right pacing. We know how she used to look compared to how she looked in the description of what I assume is a different perspective. I'd suggest a slight font adjustment or some kind of marker to let the reader know that someone is speaking.
Grammar should be rechecked. Reading aloud or finding a second pair of eyes usually helps. It's not my strong point as a writer, however, there are just too many commas. Rewording some of the sentences would be helpful in clearing up a lot of the confusion. In one part, between page 9 to 11 was an unedited set of quotation marks.
If the author wishes to keep the chapter short, I'd suggest less time on details, more dialog, and body language.
Time of the story flow needs to be refocused on page three to nine. Too much is happening with very little time to adjust thoughts from point 1 to 2.
Over all, the chapter is very rich in content. The character is well thought out. There seems to be a very substantial plot that can be better brought out. I'm looking forward to a revised chapter.
(review of free book)