on Feb. 10, 2015 :
What's really great about this story is the pace and its slow buildup - the anticipation is nicely crafted. That is honestly one of the hardest things to do, and difficult to teach - so it's great that you've already got a good handle on it.
I would caution you about two major things that can take away from stories that rely on pacing and anticipation: passive voice (iterations of is, am, was, were, be, being, been) and adverbs.
In regards to the passive voice, make sure that each of Edward's actions are his own - they're not being done to him (or, if they are, allow whatever it is doing it to him is owned by that subject). Allowing your subjects to "own" their actions will allow for greater buildup and help your reader feel more of the main character's fear.
Adverbs - as much as you can, get rid of them. This kind of goes in line with the same reasoning as getting rid of passive voice. For example, if someone "gently stroked the cat," you can get rid of the word "gently" - it's assumed that stroking a cat is gentle and not clobbering the animal. Again, getting rid of these helps your reader stay in the moment with the character.
Keep writing - and let me know when you have more! I'd love to read it.
(review of free book)