I frequent a writing group every week and we make it a point to edit, revise, and review each others work as all three are invaluable to any writer. This is what I noticed:
“Sam took a sip of his drink and wiped the acquired condensation from his cold glass on his pant leg before opening the box to withdraw the deck.”
This seemed a bit wordy for such a minor detail. Even just removing acquired may have kept this from leaping out at me or if just to omit a ‘his’, “wiped the glasses’ condensation on his pant leg”.
“as it was his custom to allow the cards to ‘hatch.’”
I’m not a card player so this term sent me into a Google search (which yielded no results oddly enough). Perhaps state what’s happening and then add the term? This bit threw me off track considerably.
“I agree, not that I intend to loose.” Lose as in the opposite of win, loose as in the opposite of tight.
“And I’ll close the blinds. (Missing a closing quotation mark here).
Good story with some minor details that could use tweaking. The use of hatch was what really took me out of the story, mainly because it’s a term I could not figure out with a quick Google search. Otherwise, nothing too major and a clear enough picture was formed in my head while reading.
(review of free book)