You have a talent, convey atmosphere and emotion well, but OMG you need to learn layout: how to set out writing, to paragraph. Don’t guess at spelling; look it up: h'oderves => hors d’oeuvres. Read as much good literature as you can to improve your vocabulary and word usage, and pay attention. Read a book the first time for enjoyment and again to analyse how the author does things. Try some how-to-write books—libraries have them—and learn to edit. Also I doubt this is erotica.
(review of free book)