Detective Jack Hanlon didn’t see the man jump off the top of the Carbolide Building, but he was close enough to hear it when it happened. He was taking a day off, officially for “personal reasons.” It usually meant that he’d already anticipated being hung over from one of Sabrina’s parties. Even though they were no longer an item...(Please post a review!)
on April 21, 2011 :
This could be a good story if the author could stay on topic.
The general idea here is interesting, but there are a lot of distractions from the plot.Example - "Linda blushed at the sight of Jack she was clearly on the hunt for a relationship, and she would gladly settle for Jack". I could find no basis for this sentence, and it leads to nothing. There are a few other throw away lines like this that have no seeming connection to the plot and do nothing to enhance the story.I hope that other people with more experience of giving constructive criticism will read this story and comment as I feel that I may not have been of much help to the author, and as his idea is a good one and the story is free I think he deserves the help so we can all benefit from his future publications.