No Milk Today

Rated 4.88/5 based on 8 reviews
When farmer Noone's cows stop giving milk, Akkadia uncovers a sinister plot to ruin the dairy industry. More
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About James Hold

"First you're an unknown, then you write one book and you move up to obscurity." — Martin Meyers

I published my first book in 2004. It became an immediate collector's item. I know this for a fact as I have several hundred copies collecting dust in my attic. Critics everywhere said it belonged right up there between Ernest Hemingway and Robert E Howard—on an alphabetical bookshelf.

My influences include Rocky & Bullwinkle, 1950s sci-fi movies, and silver-age comics.

I live in Texas with my Princess wife, and cats Rocky and Dusty. You can contact me at

About the Series: Secrets of Akkadia
Akkadia, super-hot cutie and master of mystical arts, battles evil in all its many forms

Also in Series: Secrets of Akkadia

Also by This Author


Review by: Bobb B on June 15, 2018 :
Another masterful work, original manner of storytelling.
Lighthearted reading for a down day.
(review of free book)
Review by: Wagner's Valkyrie on Dec. 4, 2017 :
Final story in my Akkadia binge. Now I want more. Jezzy Bell. So funny.
(review of free book)
Review by: Peter Morgan on Nov. 17, 2017 :
I absolutely loved this!! Cant wait for more..
(review of free book)
Review by: Lee mulubwa on Oct. 23, 2017 :
Please hit us with another HIT Mr. Hold.
(review of free book)
Review by: Diego Forby on Oct. 16, 2017 :
very funny
(review of free book)
Review by: Andre' Mwansa on Oct. 16, 2017 :
My God, this was an excellent read, held my attention to the very last.

Funny words coming from a cow: Retiring to the shade of a weeping willow, Akkadia sat with eyes closed, chanting, "Om... Om..." Only to have a Jersey cow walk up and say, "You're doing it backward."

And the creative one: "Wait! Don't you think it unfair for a superhero to use exceptional powers against a mere mortal? Put aside your magic and fight mano a mano. I warn you tho, I'm an expert in the art of cowrate."

"Cow rate?"


Like I always say, Mr Holds works never let you down, number one fan really, maybe second from Ms Michelle, but still number one.

Readers! Check out the authors other works, they are exceptional.
(review of free book)
Review by: Michelle B on Oct. 15, 2017 :
A short and silly adventure with Mr. Hold's wardrobe-challenged superheroine, Akkadia. Mr. Hold has a nice way of presenting his hero since, although she spends the greater part of the adventure unclothed apart from a loosely flowing cloak, it's never portrayed as dirty or smutty. It comes across as a Benny Hill kind of playful naughtiness which causes men to gape and go "WOWZA!"

On the plus side, we are given a logical explanation for the flaw in Akkadia's magic that forces her to go naked. It actually makes sense when you think about it. We also get an explanation at the end as to why this flaw should not be fixed. That explanation makes less sense, but I can see the motives behind the person giving it.

As to the story itself, it's pays homage to Herman's Hermits with members of the group serving as characters and it name checks 5 of their songs. That is to say I counted 5; there may be more. I liked the group without being a huge follower.

We get yet another disciple of Moo Fanchu plotting to destroy the dairy industry. The method is quite crude and disgusting if you think about it, but fortunately the author doesn't belabor it. I can easily imagine movies of the Porky's, Mike Meyers, and Paulie Shore variety carrying it to unnecessary lengths. It's a credit to the author that he simply presents it and moves on. There's also a sensible comment on the superhero's code of honor. Something which again makes perfect sense. I remember in the late 60s Green Lantern developed a conscience about using his power ring to defeat ordinary crooks so he decided to use fisticuffs instead. (Actually I think it had more to do with Gil Kane wanting to draw bizarre action poses. That however is for another day.)

"No Milk Today" is not as good as its predecessor. It's a bit too long for what the author is trying to achieve with this series. At the same time, I don't know what I would cut out to make it better.

Still and all it's a fun outing deserving 5 stars. If you can get into the spirit of what the "Secrets of Akkadia" series is about you can have a lot of fun with it. Conversely, if you find yourself not enjoying it, check out the author's other works which are more straightforward, but still contain a lot of humor.

A LATE NOTE: It only now dawns on me how "Secrets of Akkadia" parallels the old "Secrets of Isis" Saturday morning TV show starring Joanna Cameron. I'm starting to wonder if that's what Mr. Hold had in mind all along, since I'm sure she inspired a lot of WOWZAs among growing boys in the 70s.
(review of free book)
Review by: Doctor Caronte 6 on Oct. 15, 2017 :
Aunque espero ser un superhéroe como El Santo y Blue Demon me disfrutar las hazañas de Akkadia y espero algun dia alcanzar similar éxito. Sus aventuras son graciosos y tiene un super villano recurrente que Santo nunca tuvo.
(review of free book)
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